Nonchalance is Your Friend

[bungalo]

Wow crap...you made my night! Funny stuff!

[4dogs]

I know this is in the GBT forum. But how would this apply with someone youre not technically in a relationship with? I have a friend, and last week we hooked up. Then she got awkward with me saying it was a mistake and (we were drunk.) We havent talked in a week.

Could I use the nonchalant method to maybe alleviate the awkwardness? I was thinking of contacting her and just talking like nothing happened. I kind of like her. I dont know if she does or not. But I still want to be friends. Opinions crap? Or anyone else?

Sorry if this steers this conversation in a different direction, but I feel it is in the right place to post this.

[Mark33]

Sometimes in some relationships there are really terrible things that hapenned, like for example back in july one week of alienating the dumper with accusatory messages and also some stupid threats. Result is that the dumper moved from "I love you and you are the most important person in my life" to "I want to forget about you. You lost me forever". Later on, after about 1 month, she the dumper returned to "I want to know from time to time that you are OK, you were important person in my life".

 

How should the dumpee apologize for that week of alienation and stupid messages?

 

The dumpee changed a lot in last months and wants to repair things.

 

Young people keep on remembering the bad things more than the good things?

 

The she dumper is very attractive and gets a lot of attention from guys,

but also has a difficult family situation.

 

There is a saying "The one who excuses, in fact accuses himself".

 

So then how to say sorry, without accusing yourself or making you look weak?

 

I wait for your opinions on this, from NonChalance point of view . Thanks

[CrapAtNC]

I tell my ex I love her about once a week. The thing is, I can say it in a way that's genuine but in no way needy: it's all about her. I try and say something funny afterwards, like "I said 'I love the VIEW! What did you think I said?", but, generally, if things are good between the two of you, I think it's OK. It just can't be too emotionally charged, or too frequent (A thousand times? Did you say it, like, between every other word?).

 

I think you should genuinely be nonchalant at this point. She's saying a lot of sweet things to you right now, but you have to accept that it means NOTHING until you are together. She could literally hook up with someone else next week. Just don't want your hoped built up and then dashed. Having said that, you're doing great, and for certain are making a great impression--having fun with her bro and his gf would have earned you a lot of points.

 

 

 

It's fine to ask that here. Nonchalance is a tool that helps you get the best out of life, in almost every situation; if you are not so dependent on the outcome of any interactions, they are far more likely to go your way. For sure, banishing neediness and any desire for acceptance from your way of being is a surefire way of increasing not only your attraction but also your ability to have happier, healthier relationships with anyone, from your ex to your boss to a new love to your dog.

 

 

 

Don't. If you have to, simply say that your heart took control of the phone/email while your brain was in the bathroom and it won't happen again. Add something else funny, about your heart now having to sit with your brain next time it's taking a dump, so she's safe now. Say anything. Just brush it off. It only remains important all the while you feed it with further attention. What she wants from you is not words, but actions, so stay focused on getting healthy and working on your self esteem.

[CrapAtNC]

Kevo, I just remembered, I once told my ex that I love her during a phone convo. She replied, slightly shocked, "You love ME?" I said, "No! The person standing behind you! Can you pass the message on for me, please?" She laughed her head off for ages. If you can make them laugh at a time like that, then you're creating incredibly powerful associations. ;-)

[Morning]

Crap, you have incredible sense of humor

[Kevo]

Thanks, Crap. That helped. I'm going to stay the course as best I can.

 

We had been texting yesterday all morning then she went to see a house to rent and we talked on the phone about it. It wasn't a good option so she's still looking. Then she texted me about this piece of workout equip she can't afford. I just didn't care to respond so I didn't. We didn't talk the rest of the day until I sent her a short goodnight text around 12:30. She might have been asleep then but she is surely awake now and I haven't gotten anything. (I know I sound crazy to the people who go weeks and months without any response)

 

Today is a rough day. I totally thought that I would be able to be the stronger person after she has moved but I don't think I am. I'm constantly wondering if she is missing me as much as I miss her. I'm not going to break and contact her again, and I'll be happy and upbeat when she does eventually contact me. But as far as legitimately not being affected by her actions.... I'm sad to say I'm not as far along as I thought I'd be.

[Kevo]

.... just got a text, "I love you hams!"

 

But God, I'm a mess right now. I seriously can't think. I don't know why I'm at work... ugh bad day.

[CrapAtNC]

Ha-ha! Kevo, you MUST stop letting yourself slide into negativity, simply because it's the negativity that will kill any hope of reconciliation here. You have to trust her, but, more importantly, trust your own ability to keep her attracted and wanting more, and remaining buoyant at all times is key. Look at your two posts above. The concern in the first was unnecessary and dangerous. Next time you start wondering why she hasn't responded or what she may be doing, get up or out and do something positive that will distract your mind a while; it's usually during these activities that they pick up on our lack of concern and contact us.

 

You are giving this your best shot, and there's nothing more you can (or should do), so hope for the best, be prepared for the worst, and know that this situation is turning you into a much stronger and more attractive man who is far more capable of maintaining a happy, healthy relationship. That's a great thing you've got out of all this. And there's still so much more possible if you just stop pushing it away by stressing about it. ;-)

[J-L-T]

So I noticed my ex unblocked me on Facebook. I didn't even understand why he blocked me in the first place really. When I asked him he said "I don't know, I've reacted in a messed up way over this whole thing" Annyway. He must have unblocked me lateish yesterday. Because I remember looking through my messages on Facebook, earlier. And everything from him was blacked out, like it is when somebody has you on block. Today is day 6 of NC, the longest we have gone. He hasn't said anything, I don't really understand why he decided to unblock me. My friend told me he also unblocked her. He blocked her before, after they were talking about the break-up via messages. I can only see his info and profile pictures. I can't see his wall, which I'm kinda glad about. I can't see his statuses, what he's saying to people etc. Meh, it just seems strange thing to randomly do. Any idea? lol

[CrapAtNC]

You don't NEED to know. And even if you did, it would be pointless because NOTHING they say or do at this stage has anything to do with how things will eventually turn out. Thus, forget it. Instead, focus on doing things for you, things that will make you feel good, and things that will make you look good. Nothing else matters right now. ;-)

[laszlokovacs]

I was hoping to get some wisdom on my situation. Here's the thread I started:

 

Anyway, I called the ex yesterday. I went into it without any expectations. When she picked up she seemed surprised. I had her laughing within seconds. She proceeded to ask me what I've been up to. I was upbeat and told her a little bit. I asked what she's been up to as well. When I noticed a high-point in the conversation I asked her out for next week. She initially said maybe, but I was nonchalant and she said yes. I haven't called or contacted her since.

 

It's funny, but I have realized that she is not responsible for my happiness. And it helps that I'm going on dates with other women. My ex is choice and not a solution.

 

My goal for next week is to have a lot of fun, flirt, and not worry about the past. I don't want my old relationship with her back. I consider the break a reset and I'm treating seeing the ex as a first date.

 

I wasn't going to contact her until the day we see each other, I don't see the point.

 

So what do you think? Any pointers?

[jenna-is-here]

Even though I know in general what it means, I just looked up the definition of nonchalant in merriam-webster (link removed) and it read:

 

Definition of NONCHALANT

having an air of easy unconcern or indifference[/b]

— non·cha·lant·ly adverb

[J-L-T]

You don't NEED to know. And even if you did, it would be pointless because NOTHING they say or do at this stage has anything to do with how things will eventually turn out. Thus, forget it. Instead, focus on doing things for you, things that will make you feel good, and things that will make you look good. Nothing else matters right now. ;-)

 

HA, I know I don't NEED to know. But I want to know! ;-) It's just weird that he does it now. I haven't contacted him in 6 days, and he didn't reply to my last two attempts anyway. So I don't see any logical reason why he decides to unblock it now. Okay, he said when he last text me that he was running out of credit. But if he wanted to talk to me bad, there's ways around that! Does he want me to say something? Want to be able to see what I "get up to" on Facebook? UGH...I don't know. I asked my mum (lol) and she agrees it's weird, and has no idea. Odd.

[J8415]

Well everyone I have to say being nonchalant really does work. My fiance ended things with me about a month ago. I went through the whole reactions of the relationship ending. The heartbeark, the loss of having someone,the push/pull theory, ect. We had an apartment together, she ended up moving out, we gave eachother the space we needed during the initial break up and I have to say when you create space for someone, they slowly come back into your life. At first I was pushing really hard to get the ring back and she wasnt sure what she was going todo with it, which pissed me off at first then I accepted the fact that she is going to what she wants with it regardless of my thoughts/feelings. We knew since we had the lease together we couldn't just not talk to each other so it was more like a business relationship for about 3 weeks. Tonight we met up because I needed to get her keys from her since I am turningin the keys to the apartment complex in the morning and it was the first time we actually "talked." We ended up talking for a good 45 mins just about our relationship and what we were thinking about the initial break up and our lives(I am in the process of starting my own business, so we talked about that)As we were talking she told me that she was doing alot of soul searching and that it was only right she gave me the ring back which totally caught me off guard because I really thought she wasnt going to at all. I gained alot more respect for her now. As we were talking I was as care free as I could be when I was talking to her and she saw it. I have made some hardcore changes in my life since we broke up and they were changes that I needed to face before I got into this relationship with her, she just made those changes even more evident. I don't know if shes slowly coming back but I do know tonight was the first night I felt I had my best friend back, and that's what I want more than anything. She is a wonderful person. I knew that there was something more to her and I than just "Jeff and Kara" Sometimes people come into your lives to help you grow into the person who you want to be. Anyway.. The other morning I sent one of those text messages that I shouldnt of.."can you tell me when these dreams I have of you are going to end because the one I just had of you was awesome" Of course she didnt reply and I was expecting she wasnt going to, which was fine but I needed to say it. Fast forward to tonight, I brought it up and apologized and said that my brain was in the toilet and my emotions were in control, she looked at me funny and actually started to laugh. I was also joking around that every time that we have talked/or saw eachother since we broke up as been on a Wednesday. I was joking around and said we should make it a weekly habit to meet up on Wednesday, she again looked at me funny and laughed.Iam however going to send her a text in a week saying its Wednesday..to see if shell actually meet up. I can say it was a very good vibe coming from both of us. Right now I dont know if she will back but we took the first step in the right direction tonight. Its amazing when all of your self doubt/negative thinking jumps off a cliff and gets replaced with positive thinking....people start to notice and they notice fast. All I can say is that I dont know what will happen and thats okay, thats half the fun of life.

 

 

(Thanks Crap for posting all of your knowledge here, even though I dont post much, your advice works and you should really publish a book, Ill buy a copy)

[mr_zanon]

All I can say is that I dont know what will happen and thats okay, thats half the fun of life.

Being nonchalant is very rewarding...today I was as nonchalant as I could with a female friend of mine (I've got a crush on her, but that's not important). There was another friend with us, and my nonchalance made us 3 laugh out loud for a while...it was very funny. Besides, it was a very good experience for me, I could practice nonchalance a lot.

[CrapAtNC]

The other morning I sent one of those text messages that I shouldnt of.."can you tell me when these dreams I have of you are going to end because the one I just had of you was awesome" Of course she didnt reply and I was expecting she wasnt going to, which was fine but I needed to say it. Fast forward to tonight, I brought it up and apologized and said that my brain was in the toilet and my emotions were in control, she looked at me funny and actually started to laugh.

 

(Thanks Crap for posting all of your knowledge here, even though I dont post much, your advice works and you should really publish a book, Ill buy a copy)

 

Ha! The line was just an example, but if you said it in your own style and made it work for you, then that's awesome. Re. the Wednesday thing: that might be seen as too much of a commitment for her at this stage; carefully gauge her reaction when it's brought up and have a response prepared for both positive and negative replies from her: "Great! I love that I can plan which days I need shower and brush my teeth and which days I don't!" v. "That's OK. There's a knitting workshop at the community centre every Wednesday, and I have to admit I was getting a bit stressed at the thought of missing out on that." Anything silly that shows you're mildly disappointed but not affected will do.

 

By the way, that text you sent was pretty similar to one I sent my original ex. I said that if she's going to keep taking up so much of my dream time could she at least be naked. It was the first text she responded to in a long time, and she took it as a joke and a compliment.

 

I'd love to write a book, but I would only give it away anyway, and, to be honest, I'm still perfecting this myself. For instance, I think we all need to work on the best way to turn that reignited interest into reconciliation, which is something I don't yet have a solid game-plan for. I suspect it's a matter of balancing nonchalance with honesty, displaying desire rather than need, and demonstrating an ability to respect BOTH person's feelings.

 

Keep up the great work! You're becoming happier and more confident, and THAT is our goal; everything else is simply not as important.

 

Being nonchalant is very rewarding...today I was as nonchalant as I could with a female friend of mine (I've got a crush on her, but that's not important). There was another friend with us, and my nonchalance made us 3 laugh out loud for a while...it was very funny. Besides, it was a very good experience for me, I could practice nonchalance a lot.

 

Tease her too. Make playful comments about her or things she says: "Hey! Did you wash your hair today? it suits you!" Anything that treats them like a kid sister than someone on a pedestal is sure to grab their attention and spark interest, simply because every other guy will be telling them how beautiful they look. If you do want to compliment, make it unique, and try to make it something that you want to see more of because it's good for her and you: "I love that you can laugh at yourself."

 

Nonchalantly yours,

 

 

Crap

[Live-N-Learn]

Thanks for everything Crap, I am doing much better. Watch this...I am not going to post a big long story and every detail that has happened over the past two days!! haha

 

Anyways, she did text me Monday and even went and posted on my wall Monday night late while I was out with my girl friend Jen in Virginia. Then yesterday she sent me a bunch of texts from the bar she was at and then called me around 4am. I got back today and have not heard from her and have not called her. I am just going to play it cool and wait for her to reach out to me. We will see if we go away or not this weekend. I will not bring it up.

 

I really do feel a lot better trying my best to be nonchalant and just see what happens. It takes a lot of stress off of me not having so many obsessive thoughts and trying to control the outcome. It also makes me feel much more prepared and confident for every interaction with her. Clearly it is working. I still doubt she is coming back but at least I am happier.

[CrapAtNC]

Good good good! Don't respond to every contact, and when you do, smile! Let her know you're happy to hear from her most of the time. If you're genuinely busy, let her know.

 

Doubting their return is the PERFECT place to be. This is part of ACCEPTANCE, which is the healthiest place for you to be right now.

 

Be prepared to pull back completely should any tests appear regarding whether you will support her while she branches out. You can stop that happening if she weighs up losing you v. trying another, and you can make it happen by being the safety net. Not scaring you; you're in control, and that's the best place to be. You now need to plan for all events.

 

I honestly envision this one going very well. You are in a different place, and have a new, healthy, attractive outlook on life, and she will be drawn by that.

 

My ex called me today from the city--a first! Usually she doesn't communicate when away. Big surprise. I invited her to come for a swim and in no way acted disappointed when she said she couldn't (she hurt herself a few days ago), and I was the first to end the call. The funny thing is, when I cheerfully ended the call, she tried to steal that from me by telling me, "OK, go, go, go!" Ha! She's incredibly good at nonchalance, and I suspect that's one reason why I'm so drawn to her.

 

(Ha! She just called AGAIN! I told her to come say hi when she returned, and she's trying to turn it around by saying that she will be back soon and will be home all day, meaning that EYE can go to HER. Haha! So I said I won't have time right now, as I'm heading out to swim with friends, but will pop in and say hi when I get back if I have time.

 

Oh, nonchalance tennis--what a game! )

[Live-N-Learn]

That's awesome crap, isn't it funny how once we start being the ones to act as if we care less than they do we get such responses. That is hilarious how when you went to end the call she tried the old "take away" move and end it. haha. My ex did the same thing a few days ago. She was shocked I was ending the call and said NO, you don't end the calls I do!

 

We are forcing them to chase us and in all truthfulness it is driving them nuts that we are not the same old puppy dogs that we were for so long post breakup. It really does feel good and empowering no matter what the final outcome will be. Keep up the great work....you are an inspiration to many my friend.

[jenna-is-here]

Crap -

 

The recent interaction with your ex leaves me with a question. If you have two people that are incredibly good and dedicated to nonchalance, then how does anything ever get accomplished? You are both keeping it light and pulling much of the time. I know in her case you are not trying to get closer (I think) but the question still stands.

 

Im on page 20 of this thread so sorry if this was touched on already.

 

Jenna

[CrapAtNC]

Crap -

 

The recent interaction with your ex leaves me with a question. If you have two people that are incredibly good and dedicated to nonchalance, then how does anything ever get accomplished? You are both keeping it light and pulling much of the time. I know in her case you are not trying to get closer (I think) but the question still stands.

 

Im on page 20 of this thread so sorry if this was touched on already.

 

Jenna

 

If both people are nonchalant (upbeat, funny, not affected, confident) it just makes the WHOLE experience that much more enjoyable. It's actually very fulfilling. It would simply get to a stage where the excitement is so intense that nothing needs to be accomplished; things will take their natural course, and passions will overtake the moment. Nonchalantly, of course.

 

So, massive test of nonchalance for me this evening. Had a dinner date with the ex, and I ended up doing a colour-psychology test on her, which turned out to be uncannily accurate, according to her. It said, again and again, that she wanted out of her current relationship, which was kind of interesting. But one of the colours she chose early on indicated that she may be pregnant. Lo and behold, she admits that her period is late. So I end the evening driving her around looking for a pharmacy at which to purchase a pregnancy test to see of she and her current guy are expecting.

 

I remained nonchalant throughout, and it was easy. Why? Because, to be quite honest, I'm over her now. This was exactly what I needed to make me realise that I should be moving on. Way too messy, and way too inconsiderate. I get the impression I will always face these tests with her, and that they will just keep increasing in intensity. She's lovely, but I'm closing the book on this one; I really can do so much better. I actually have not a single shred of feeling as I write this, other than looking forward to who fate brings me next.

 

Thing is though, now that I'm shutting down all desire to get back with her, what's the betting she comes running?

[jenna-is-here]

Ive read much on the topic of "How you think, is how you feel." In summary, it is the idea that we can not control how we feel but we can control how we think about those feelings. For example, we wake up and it is raining and crappy, it makes us feel blue. One person could think, what a bummer, this sucks, etc. Another person could wake up and still feel that blueness and say, I think I will use this time to clean my house, curl up with a book and enjoy this time. You can apply that to any situation.

 

My point is I know you are Crap, the Genius GURU on Nonchalance, but I can not forget you are human and I am incredibly inspired and impressed at your ability to have such profound control over your thinking. I know you and her only dated for a month, but I can so easily see how someone could get caught up with her in a bad way (very into her). Kudos to you for dealing with the above situation with such grace.

[J8415]

Update- Ever since the conversation we have had last night, its been up beat between eachother. I dont want to say this yet..but maybe the tide has turned in both of our favors. She is now sending me pics of our cat we had (makes me know that shes thinking about me) Nonchalance is really the only way to live your life.

[sadchick83]

Hi Crap,

 

I have a similar issue-- that is 2 people practicing non chalance. I'm meeting(I initiated this time) the ex on Saturday, day or evening to be confirmed, we committed to meet. He made a few efforts 2 weeks ago-he initiated a drinks, then follow up call, then a visit to my work. He might very well be playing his own game. I found dvd courses on how to pick up women in his childhood bedroom, I believe he made it to the instructor level! Of course this does not bother me, I find it comical.

 

I guess 'cause I have a sales job, I have to be a "closer," in order to survive. This means (I hate to say) transactions like these are either going to happen, or not. The worst thing you can do as a short cycle salesperson is waste time with a dead deal that's going no wheresville.

 

Two people playing non chalance could go on forever. At this point, what do you suggest I do , besides look great, be non chalant?? I really want to either start again, or move on. I waited 2 weeks or so since he cam to my work--He had been working 7 days a week/ 12 hrs a day, has family in from Europe, and is now sick. I've been busy as well.

 

I've read the "flirting" part of this post, but I think this would be a bit fake. We have been honest and not the flirty type.

 

Really Crap, how does one close the deal already??