Nonchalance is Your Friend

[CrapAtNC]

Nice! And not being able to hang out too long afterwards will only create more desire to spend more time with you again. It's perfect! End the evening early and you'll have her thinking about wanting more as she drifts off to sleep. ;-)

 

Be sure not to draw out the good-bye; briefer is better!

[kim1]

Mate, it's pretty clear to me that she ONLY wants to make sure she can reach out to you when she feels like it. And most of the time she doesn't feel like it. YOU are WANTING to give her everything; she is giving you NOTHING in return. And it's your own fault. You are not just too available, you are still pushing. It's time for you to ONLY communicate with her by answering her calls. Do not call back. Do not text back. She thinks she can toy with you while she contemplates others, and I think you deserve more than that.

 

If you want to continue to live unhappily like this, then keep doing what you're doing. If you want to break the pattern and find a truly rewarding, happy relationship, then you MUST break the pattern. She knows you want her but she's made a choice. Now you must show her what that means. You have to start filling your time with something else that's important to you--something that helps you feel better about yourself and not NEED to be NEEDED. There's a reason you're reading the codependence thread, remember. Because you want to fix yours. Now fix it. Stop getting your daily fix by desperately trying to be needed.

 

 

 

Yes, it's perfect for friendships. You are not putting up a wall; you're taking one down--it's called neediness, and it's been a barrier for you, as you know. Nonchalance breaks that wall down.

 

 

 

Hey Crap,

 

I love what you wrote here to these posters. I want to get myself back but I find it so hard to find things that are important to me. my whole life revolved around him. I have to get myself back. Also thanks for responding to my earlier post I am not going to initiate contact with him at all ever. I may respond once in a while. This could take a while but I really don't give a crap. Also who cares if he misses me or not. I love the nonchalant lifestyle. What do I do with all of the anger that I have inside me? Will it go away when I find things to fill my time?

[CrapAtNC]

I love the nonchalant lifestyle. What do I do with all of the anger that I have inside me? Will it go away when I find things to fill my time?

 

Remember: The nonchalant lifestyle still allows you all the feelings that make us human; it just puts you in control of how they will affect you.

 

I would have to suggest looking up ways of dealing with anger, but, for me anyway, I used to lift weights, go for a long walk with the dogs, or clean the house like a naked madman. All the while I'm doing those things, I work on reframing the thoughts in my head that cause the anger; that is, I try to see them from her point of view, to see if I'm not choosing to play victim where no harm was intended against me. I also have a movie in my head of how I will act as soon as I start to feel anger, and my reaction time (to control it) is getting better and better.

 

Anger is an emotion that we choose; therefore we can control it. If you don't believe that, consider something that always makes you angry. Then imagine it being done to you by accident, by someone you greatly admire. Would you still choose to be angry? Or would you instead brush it off so as not to offend them? Given that you can make that choice in that situation, you can exert the same amount of control in all other circumstances, including ones that include your ex.

 

You can't control your life and relationships until you can control yourself, so this is a great goal for you to achieve. Read up on and practice ways to handle situations in which you previously chose to get angry.

[Live-N-Learn]

Crap,

 

I was out tonight having drinks with me ex's best guy friend who she has known for 15 years. Him and I are good freinds as well. He is a real player and is one of the best I have ever seen at non chanlance. Anyway, he and I were drinking and took a couple of cool pics of him and I having fun and he emailed them to my ex at work to make her jealous. She does not really like it when he and I are out without her and usually gets jealous. Not in a bad way, just she loves him so much she gets upset when I am with him. Kinda a weird dynamic.

 

So she gets off work at 8:30 and calls him and he says watch this and ignores her call. Then my phone rings and he tells me to ignore it knowing it would get to her. I play along and she then calls him again right away, Then she calls me and we both ignore her calls. Not being mean just playing.

 

Then I get a text from her saying: Wow OK He says don't worry she is just mad you didn't pick up right away like you always do and it bothers her. He said text her in 10 min. She never text him saying this. So I wait 10 min and send a text say: Hey sweetie, she does not respond. So he calls her she does not answer. I call her she does not answer. He says she is just playing the game. So he then text her saying: was on the phone sorry I missed your call. About 30 minutes later she texts me back saying: what? I respond after about 10 min You shoud come out were having a great time. He then text her I am buzzed come out and join us. She text him back saying: I am at home. then she text me saying: Well good for you. I wait a bit and text her back: You crack me up your the best. She text right back: Thats nice. go ahead and laugh. I wait a few min and text back: lol love you too. She text right back: Please stop laughing im not being funny. Then she text him: are you still out and he does not respond. He tells me to text back. OK sorry. So I did. about an hour later she text me: are you still with Jesse? I tell her no. Don't her from her again.

 

The thing that gets me is that we both were playing with her and she does not even know why I did not take her calls and she is being all * * * * *y to me and not to Jesse! He text her a little after he asked her to come out and asked if they were going to hang out Saturday night and she responded nicely and said yeah a bunch of us are getting together. What the hell am I doing wrong! I was trying to listen to him and be not so available, took his advice on what to text back to her and it only seemed to make her more frustrated. But when he did it, all is OK. I can not win. I give up. I feel like a total loser at this non chalance thing. I thought he was leading me in the right direction and now I feel like such a fool.

 

I don't have a clue what I will tell her if she calls me and asks why I did not pick up her call. That's if she calls. He told me to tell her I was sending an important text and could not take her calls. They were only 1 min apart. I just feel like I can't do anything right. I try to play it cool and not answer her call on demand and get crucified for it. I give. I just can't understand why she is overeacting to me not answering her calls when she does not even know why I did not answer. Why is she being nice to Jesse and not me? Why do I have to be the bad guy? this sucks

[CrapAtNC]

She doesn't have strong feelings for Jesse.

 

And you guys were out of line. You were treating her like a toy. What kind of reaction did you expect? Nonchalance is about not letting things bother you, not being at someone's beck and call, and about leading relationships in a happier, healthier direction.

 

The idea is to improve yourself. The by-product is often that they will get jealous, or start to want you more. You guys made the by-product the goal. Therefore, how could things possibly improve?

 

You'll be doing well in nonchalance when you keep your focus on you, not on your ex.

[Live-N-Learn]

I know, I screwed up. I feel like an idiot. I never do that to anyone and listened to him. Btw..10 minutes ago she just wrote on my wall on FB "sweet dreams" I have no idea if she is serious or being sarcastic. I just sent her a response sweet dreams to you to I felt I needed to since I was an ass. This girl really confuses me. Was short with me in all the text, then at 1:30 in the moring goes and writes that on my wall on fb.

 

Jesse, told me not to tell her the truth that he avoided her calls or to tell her I did on purspose. I feel llike I am is such a bad spot now. I want to her the truth but then things will be bad between him and I. I hate this. I have learned my lesson. Just don't know how to handle this.

[CrapAtNC]

Just brush it off. No apologies. Playfully point out that you can't answer all your texts and calls when out having a good time. Lightheartedly rib her. Tell her this is why you broke up with her; she's just too needy! But PLAYFULLY! With a wink or a smile. The idea is to ignite fun and interest.

[VinnieMarlboro]

LNL - hope you do what your name is!

 

You used (dodgy) noncahlance to play a game - poorly.

 

Dynamics - you said it yourself. Your dynamics with X are completely different to Jesse and X's and her perception thus reactions are different aswell.

Would of been interesting if you just swapped phones and texted her without any communication between you and Jesse - maybe for your next trick!!! I'd bet that if you both send her same question - there would be a completely different reply to each phone.

 

Jesse had nothing to lose - ie nothing invested to lose. He can do no wrong as he does not pressure her as his motives (towards her)are different to yours. She is relaxed and calm.

 

She feels pressure from you regardless - her defenses go on red alert whenever you get involved. She is careful and wary.

 

Nonchalance is meant to allieviate the pressure/stress between you in a natural way, she will know something is different, but wont be able exactly define it. More often than not, the subtle change she is looking for in you. It will assist in breaking down the emotional wall she has for you. It isnt going to happen overnight.

 

I agree with Crap - you guys were out of line. What did you expect to gain from making her jealous?

 

Women are the kings of mind games and will beat the sh*t out of you everytime. Look @ your next post - 'sweet dreams' on your FB page - who got the last laugh? Her - she just F**ked you over again.

 

That's why nonchalance can not be faked - you have to live it. Go NC - practice nonchalance on some one else. Then when you have a decent enough grasp of the concept - give her another go.

[sadchick83]

Ok Crap,

I will do what you say...I consider you an expert, and so far your method has got me this far. I'm the type of person who need a plan in life, or I get anxious. So now I have my plan....I will keep you posted!

[J-L-T]

I screwed up. I got a weak moment last night. I called him, and he didn't answer. There could be many reasons he didn't answer I know. I don't know why he didn't, could have been asleep or etc. etc. Last time we spoke, he said he was almost out of credit. Maybe he missed the call for whatever reason. Then couldn't call or text, because he has no credit. Maybe he just doesn't want to talk to me though. He said he was okay with it last time. *shrugs* How am I gonna get myself out of this one? I don't even have an excuse as to why I called him, late at night. I don't want to say "it was an accident" because I think that's pretty obvious it's a lie? That's if he even asks anytime.

[sadchick83]

Do any women out there find NC, non chalance is especially difficult at certain times of the month? There are a few days during the month that are just so tough to keep NC or low NC. So guys out there, consider yourself lucky you don't also have hormone fluctuations to deal with as well as all the mixed emotions that go with a break up!!

 

Just my 2 cents....

[Live-N-Learn]

Vinnie,

 

I hear what you are saying and know I screwd up. Some of your post is a little harsh. I already feel bad enough.

 

I just hope her message last night on fb was sincere and not meant to hurt me. I think bsaed on the texts it probobly was meant to hurt me. I just dont know.

 

Listen I did feel bad about not taking her call but it wsa not that big a deal really. We both called her within 10 min. She over reacted IMO. She probobly knows we were playin with her but nothing more.

 

With that said it was still immature and foolish on my part. Just know this girl plays these games all the time and is no angel. If she decides not to talk to me over not taking one of hre calls so be it.

 

One mistake does not define me and all the good I have done and been in hre life. She has done much worse to me.

 

Not sure if I should send her a text today or not. If so not sure what I should say.

[CrapAtNC]

I screwed up. I got a weak moment last night. I called him, and he didn't answer. There could be many reasons he didn't answer I know. I don't know why he didn't, could have been asleep or etc. etc. Last time we spoke, he said he was almost out of credit. Maybe he missed the call for whatever reason. Then couldn't call or text, because he has no credit. Maybe he just doesn't want to talk to me though. He said he was okay with it last time. *shrugs* How am I gonna get myself out of this one? I don't even have an excuse as to why I called him, late at night. I don't want to say "it was an accident" because I think that's pretty obvious it's a lie? That's if he even asks anytime.

 

Be nonchalant about it. "Yeah, I did. How's work?" If he pushes, just tell him it wasn't for any reason and quickly change the subject. Don't stress it. Accept it and move on.

[CrapAtNC]

Don't try to decode the FB message. It makes NO difference, because you are on a road called nonchalance and nothing is going to cause you to deviate anyway. Whatever the meaning, you will still keep doing what you're doing. So forget it (and the mistake) and move on.

[VinnieMarlboro]

I blew it too! Tricky situation involving a kid. Whom by the way is the maestro of nonchalance - that is the problem - he just dont care bout nofen(as he would say).

Very hard when my X is Assistant Principal at his school in charge of discipline. He is getting in trouble everyday, well almost 39 out of last 40. It doesnt look real good for her, when the naughtiest child in the school is hers. From what I gather, it is harmless to anyone else and his acts are only doing himself discredit. This is beginning to get to her. She rings me tonight distressed and at breaking point as to what to do with him. Nonchalance was not gonna cut it in this situation, there is a time and place for the big N. I have researched many things, including what to do a woman in venting. Listen, empathise, nonchalance is usually the best course of action, as Crap has advised earlier re the same situation.

 

Answers and action was what she was looking for here - not just a shoulder to lean on. The breaking point was an incident at their home - he was the only one who could of committed the act - but steadfastly refuses to admit it.

 

So now, we will have to open communications and come up with a plan to get him back on the right track. I dont mind so much about re-openning comunication lines, as it did have to happen one day, but it is too soon for my liking. I fear I will be like LNL - not fully prepared for the nonchalantness to work. Its working a treat on this other girl tho - got her rininging everyday, asking me out - dare I say a bit needy and clingy - hmm - it really is awfully unattractive.

 

I broke my NC -f**k!!!!!!- and spoke about me (dbl f**k). Not to much, but enough. FFFF***********KKKKKKKK IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've tried with my child to use examples of what I am doing to right myself - ie - self control and the benefits of that. The consequences of losing that self control - commiting stupid acts on emotions and the damage they do, by using examples relevent to him. (F**k - I am so dirty on myself). I have tried to portray this to her, f**ked it, and had to use examples of what I am doing. In a very non - nonchalant way. My only saviour was, I said it in a calm soothing fashion. I could feel my anxiety levels rising at alarming rates, can only hope she couldnt(kidding myself - of course she could tell). I also gave her a piece of information that I was going to tell her one day - but not right now.(sh*t).

 

Anyway, will deal with the kid situation. And will have to use my new best friend - nonchalance- to fend off the demons of breaking my NC. I'll start by saying - 'every now and then you gotta say "what the F**k". "what the F**k brings you freedom. Freedom brings you opportunity" - Miles -Risky Business

 

ps - here's an example of my boys nonchalance in a FB exchange with his(overbearing) grandmother -

 

My Boy(11) -I love being me, it pees off all the right people.

 

GM - I thought you had a better opinion of yourself...my grandson **** is a wonderful young man who can be such an angel when he wants to be...we saw him when we went to *****...we....love ...him

 

My Boy - oh well

[Morning]

We broke up two weeks ago. I decided to talk with him, I used my last chance to convince him that we can make it work. But he is so cold to me and so convinced that our relationship never work, that we are not matchable.

I just wanna hit my head on the wall, because I ruined our relationship.

I love him so much and I want continue love him, but he don't want to let me do it.

I told him that I'm glad to have in my life and that I won't disturb him anymore.

I don't know what to do anymore.

[Live-N-Learn]

Thanks crap, this attitude is much harder to adobt than I expected. But who cares. Right!

 

Can you recommend a good book on the subject?

[CrapAtNC]

Vinnie, you HAD to break NC. And clearly you handled things far better than you would have previously. Remember, the mistakes can set us back, for sure, but we soon get back on track if we just brush them off. Give yourself a break. You're doing great.

 

Morning, it's time for you to stop trying. Nothing works, so do that--do nothing. We're all in the same boat, and all feel the same way you do. Those of us who have made a lot of progress have done so because we adopted a more positive way of handling our loss. You can too.

 

Live-N-Learn, I don't know any books about it. It's easier to adopt if you play scenarios in your head before they happen. Even if you just get to put one into practice well, it will be a major move forward, as you'll learn from it.

[VinnieMarlboro]

Sorry for harshness - hey, no I'm not(just being nonchalant with ya).

 

I think you got my point though. Its no good playing mind games with her - regardless if she plays them with you cause you are gonna lose.

 

Don't try to decode the FB message

 

That was her playing with you, you know that. Dont fall for that 1 again. You can never really ask her what she meant by it - so nonchalant it away!

 

Liken your nonchalance to a flower growing. If you watch it all day everyday you will notice little change. If you leave it a couple of days, you will see the growth. I'm suggesting you give her the opportunity to see the change by staying away for a while. That is all.

 

We all do make mistakes. I've made plenty much to my detrement. We can only learn from them. All I can do is pass on my experiences, as I did get back with her. It would of happened a lot sooner if I had of had the knowledge and advice( & if I listened and acted on it) from here and still been with her right now. But like a * * * * * * * - I went back to doing all the things I done before - I know without a doubt nonchalance would of saved my marriage - I dont want you make the same mistakes as me.

[rapunzel]

Live-N-Learn, I don't know any books about it. It's easier to adopt if you play scenarios in your head before they happen. Even if you just get to put one into practice well, it will be a major move forward, as you'll learn from it.

 

This book is about nonchalance per se but it is about how to have fun, healthy, loving relationships with people (of both sexes) without losing your dignity and sense of self-worth and it has some great chapters on how to deal with difficult people, people who are playing hard to get, people who break up with you, etc. It's called "Intimate Connections" by David Burns, M.D. I think you can still find it on Amazon. It came out many years ago but is still relevant and the way he describes scenarios and uses role playing I found it incredibly helpful and empowering.

[Morning]

Morning, it's time for you to stop trying. Nothing works, so do that--do nothing. We're all in the same boat, and all feel the same way you do. Those of us who have made a lot of progress have done so because we adopted a more positive way of handling our loss. You can too.

 

I'm trying, really trying. But my positive attitude crashes every few days. I know I'm strong, I know I can handle it, but something don't wanna give me peace.

It's not my first break up, but I have a strong feeling that its different this time.

[VinnieMarlboro]

Originally posted by Morning

I'm trying, really trying. But my positive attitude crashes every few days

 

Hang in there morning. On these days it is imperative to continue NC.

 

Rather than do nothing(no disrespect crap), focus on yourself.

NC has a two fold effect - The first and most important allows you to start healing. You need find happiness within yourself - this should be your primary goal. Nonchalance will help immensly with this. Stay vigilant to not breaking the BU rules(craps nothing) - begging, pleading,clingy, needy, controlled panic etc by living noncholantly.

 

 

 

Read this post - You know crap - you could probably write an ebook and make some money.

 

And the second is wholly dependant on the first - the opportunity(?) of getting back with your ex. You can use this as your secondary goal.

 

So find yourself first, enjoy that - it truly is a wonderful experience. Its a rollercoaster of ups and downs, experimenting, trying new things(those things your relationship didnt allow). As you say, you've been through it before so you have an understanding of whats coming. Stay positive and focused on your primary goal and the rest will then take care of itself.

 

Good luck

[KateUK]

This thread has made me so much stronger.... and REALLY helps when my upbeat attitude crashes.... Thanks everyone for their input - especially Crap. I now have an image of Crap cleaning his house naked and that will help me get through the tough times...!

 

Last night, my ex started being active on facebook and briefly put a girls picture as his profile pic (I am assuming it is the girl he has feelings for...) before swapping it for a different pic. I only saw as noticed more than one change on my feed, scrolled through his profile pics and saw it. I just thought 'well it's not something I can control' and went on business as usual (who cares eh?).

One of my friends put a comment on their profile which I 'liked' - Don't dwell on who let you down, cherish those who hold you up! I wasn't thinking of my ex at the time but, having had a lovely time putting the world to rights with my friend, it spoke to me.

 

This morning, I got the following text from my ex:

"Sorry to text but noticed your comment on facebook about people letting you down, just wondered if that was some kind of subtle dig at me? If so any reason why?"

 

I left it a while and replied:

"Not a dig at all. Just liked the sentiment. It goes alonglines of my 'love me or go away' statement on my profile which was there long before this happened."

 

Over the next hour and a half, I got:

"Ok sorry, take care

"Actually im very sorry i said that i know you would dig at me especially like that, sorry."

"Sh*t sh*t sh*t sorry i meant wouldn't not would lol, sorry"

 

to which I thought WWCD (what would Crap do)

"I don't know, smith. Your brain is a dangerous thing! ;-)"

 

Got the reply "Glad you think i have one ;-P"

 

Then a few hours later.... I got the following:

"Hi just wanted to say the more i talk to and have experience how other people are and act, the more i appreciate what a special happy and caring person you are."

 

Made me smile and hey, it's true!

 

I have a third date with a really nice guy tomorrow and finally got through to the benefits helpline so can see the light at the end of the tunnel financially, and have lots of cards and presents from people I love and cool plans for the weekend so I am feeling in a good place right now.... maybe he can sense I don't need him and that is why he is trying to connect. Shall I just ignore him, or flash something witty back?

[CrapAtNC]

I have a third date with a really nice guy tomorrow and finally got through to the benefits helpline so can see the light at the end of the tunnel financially, and have lots of cards and presents from people I love and cool plans for the weekend so I am feeling in a good place right now.... maybe he can sense I don't need him and that is why he is trying to connect. Shall I just ignore him, or flash something witty back?

 

Now is DEFINITELY the time to ignore. It will have far more impact.

 

I don't like that he put another woman's photo up as his profile pic. That's low class, considering he's still into you.

 

He's said nothing significant, but he's about to, so don't spoil it by responding. He's enjoying the chase.

 

Just be sure you really want someone like him . . . does he even do housework in the nude? Thought not . . .

[Morning]

VinnieMarlboro

I know, I already started the NC thing.

Nonchalantly is not for my "case", because we are not gonna communicate anymore and we live in different cities now.

 

Yeah, tnx, I'll read it.

 

I can't go out and enjoy, I don't have friends So I'm gonna focus on my study, this is should be the most important thing right now.

 

Tnx for support