Nonchalance is Your Friend

[VinnieMarlboro]

A real (nonchalant) man expects NOTHING in return for his actions, no matter how kind and generous they are.

 

Awesome quote - it will be very difficult to live up to this one - can see it as being extrememly rewarding as selflessness is a great attribute.

 

 

 

Very needy, wussy, and non-nonchalant. You may not like it, but playing the victim like that will only work against you later. My ex was a big-time salsa dancer. I had to watch a lot of guys (gay and straight) dance sensually with her, and I knew I had to clear all jealous thoughts from my head. This was her world, and I had no right to complain about that. Actually, I learned to man up and enjoy that I was the man taking home the girl all the other guys wanted. It was great for me; I learned to combat my jealousy. But if you really don't like her doing that, something has to give, and it might not necessarily be her.

 

You are the (nonchalant) man!

 

Now I'll be focusing more on dating others and doing other life-improving stuff. I'll still see her, but far, far less than before, and I'll be certain to keep it more brief in light of my new priorities.

 

Just a question re you Crap - do you want your ex('s) back? Do you still have genuine feelings for them?

 

I believe you are nonchalanting in order to improve yourself(my plan to) - what is your overall goal/plan with it - do you even have one(with respect to your ex's)?

 

I only ask due to the LNL question of friendship - I currently am NC but really do not want friendship with her without the relationship. I see that as a kick in the nuts - horses for courses here as each situation is different.

 

 

NC is No Contact. Nonchalance is just Nonchalance. Don't get them confused.

 

 

NC is for a specific situation. Nonchalance is a lifestyle!

[CrapAtNC]

Just a question re you Crap - do you want your ex('s) back? Do you still have genuine feelings for them?

 

I believe you are nonchalanting in order to improve yourself(my plan to) - what is your overall goal/plan with it - do you even have one(with respect to your ex's)?

 

Well, I would actually have any of my exes back, although one of them would REALLY need to change. I'm not a playboy. I only date women I already like, so, yes, I did have and still do have genuine feelings for them. I have kept all but one of them as friends. A couple I'd call close friends. The one I'd like most to get back with is the most recent, but it's not my goal; my happiness and sense of self-worth is in no way dependent on whether that happens or not.

 

And I believe that attitude is what is most likely to bring her back. ;-)

 

So, the plan is to lose all my insecurities by adopting a more 'nonchalant lifestyle' (love that quote by you!), and if that brings my most recent ex back, then all the better. It will certainly bring me somebody amazing (it has done already).

[J8415]

Hey Crap,

 

New member here..I was referred to this site by a friend who thought it would help me. My fiance ended things with me due to my codependency issues I struggled with. I stumbled upon your topic you posted and I can say the same experience you had two year ago I recently had a month ago. Reading it I was like holy crap..thats me. We both have issues we need to take care of. Shes one of my best friends and I hope in due time it works out but I have learned not to put all my eggs in the basket. At first, she said she wanted space..and ofcourse I didnt, my mouth got me in trouble but within the last week I have done nothing at all to try to call her or text her. Yes, i have my moments when I want to but I'm respecting her wishes. I have learned when you truly do nothing..They communicate with you. I have no problem talking to her if she sends me a text or calls me but I am going on almost a week of not communicating with her and I can say it feels good. I am a much more assertive and confident person than I have ever been before.

[CrapAtNC]

J8415, that's great! Codependency is such a frustrating way to go through life. Are you reading any books on overcoming this? It's a pretty simple process.

[J8415]

I have..and yes..its a real simple process. I wish I would of known it a long time ago, but hey we all learn right? I enjoy reading alot..my ex knows I have been in therapy for this(i started therapy when I was with her)..I believe with a little reading from experts and falling flat on your arse it makes you scratch your head and go "What was I thinking" How we went about ending the relationship was wrong, theres no question about that..right now I am just hoping for a friendship.

[VinnieMarlboro]

This should be put up on the the front page of ENA for all of those who want their X's back. IMO it is the only way.

 

I also think anyone suffering from depression or anxiety(me) should adopt this 'lifestyle'. It is a far healthier path to travel than anti depressants.

 

So 3 cheers for Nonchalance- hip hip hooray hip hip hooray hip hip hooray.

[rapunzel]

So my ex sent an mp3 yesterday of an artist we love (whose work we often perform), a little known clip...and it was quite beautiful. He sent it to all of us and a couple other musicians he works with. Normally I would ignore this but since I'm returning to the nonchalant lifestyle AND it was an amazing piece so I wrote back, told him so and thanked him for sharing. He wrote back that he thought it was awesome and "Would LOVE to hear that live!"

 

So do I just stop and let it go here....or respond? We really talk very little other than brief pleasantries and band-related business. But I feel I should just leave him wanting more...such a game.

 

But who cares, right?

[okane24]

Crap,

 

Not doing so well today. I miss her like crazy. She used to tell me everything. Now, we hardly even speak, about anything. I feel like a floodgate, and when I get to speak to her I wanna tell her everything... Even though I WON"T and know I shouldn't.

 

We've kind of been on LC and I don't know....

 

She texted me yesterday to CALL MEEE!! (which made me really happy)

 

I got the text late, so I couldn't speak to her when she "needed" me. It was night time for her and day time for me.

 

I texted her back the next day and told her I'd call her when she got home and night. I said, "Hi beautiful. I'll call you later when you're home. Have a great day"

 

I still want her to know how much I LOVE HER and think she is Gorgeous and sweet and caring and... I could go on and on...

 

Anyhow, she texted me back, "It didn't work..." Meaning the app program. And then she wrote, "I was a little drunk, so don't worry about it".

 

???

 

Don't worry about what? About us? About calling her back?

 

So she was drunk and wanted to talk to me. And I missed that opportunity.

 

Normally I would have been tempted to call her and text her back ASAP to clarify what she meant, but I FOUGHT IT, and didn't, right away.

 

I left it as is and actually did what I said I was going to do and CALLED HER when I thought she would be home. She didn't pick up the first time, but I called an hour later and she did.

 

She sounded tired... I was soo happy to hear her voice though. I said, you sound tired, are you sleeping? She said, yeah, I was laying down, talk to you later... and that was it.

 

I said, ok. Bye. No I Love you's or anything like before...

 

THIS SUCKS CRAP!!!!

 

What kind of relationship is this? I can't even speak to the girl I love?

 

Now I have to wait again???

 

I have a busy life but I want to include her in it...

 

I think I'm doing the right things, right? NC. Only calling or texting her back AFTER she reaches out to me.

 

I'm not initiating it. I'm reacting. But when I do, she's acting aloof or busy.

 

This is just so damn hard... Why can't I have my baby back, the way it was........

[Live-N-Learn]

I am feeling a little down at my inability to be as non-chalant as I need to be. It is very difficult when you care for someone and they string you along and give you less than you want from them. It sucks when your only option is to settle for less if you want to still be part of their lives. I understand the whole non chalant concept but sometimes you have to ask yourself what you want out of the relationship. Being non chalant does not neccessarily mean they will change and someday give you what you want. It feels more like you have to be non chalant so that you can deal with your current status with them. Which may be all it ever progresses to.

 

With that said. I now need to decide if I want to accept my position in her life. Btw... I know you are right. Me saying these things is only going to push her away further and further. She has not went away so I don't think I have totally blown it yet if I want to continue like this. Maybe this girl and I are just not compatible and want different things out of life right now.

 

She just called me on her way to work and I was upbeat and casual. Ugh...time to decide what I want and can accept.

 

I have to learn to just not give a "crap" no pun intended lol

[rapunzel]

Agreed, it's not easy. I work with my ex so it's the only way I can deal with the situation. If I did not work with him i would have just disappeared and gone No Contact. He probably would have come after me after I became "unavailable", and we would have had a failed reconciliation like the one we had anyway. Although I do think that the working together thing has made me less interesting as he seems me on a regular basis (1 to 4 times a month usually). Whatever, who cares?

[abigheart]

Still working on reading the entire thread, and I'm not sure if it's been brought up but would this "practice" of nonchalance be possible when attempting to be friends with an ex?

 

His absence in my life hurts. Sometimes I think that life is too short to put up a wall against someone who never hurt you (aside from breaking up...) and who is too important to push away...

 

Btw, bought the book Codependents No More - defines me to a T...but I still find myself struggling.

[SA2000]

I texted the ex back yesterday after she texted me on Monday. I was as cool as the breeze. She ended up calling me and asking me to a movie on Friday. I told her I would get back to her in a few days. She got mad and said she would make other plans if she didnt hear back from me by today. Whatever. Ha.

 

I said "You sound tired so Ill let you go" like 3 times. She kept saying "No, I can talk longer, why are you trying to hang up?" I would just laugh it off every time.

 

So now I am deciding if I want to go to this movie on Friday. I'd rather go Saturday but I think she said that wouldn't work for her. Not sure if I should say "Well maybe in a couple weeks" since Ill be out of town or go Friday. Atleast the ball is in my court.

[CrapAtNC]

So my ex sent an mp3 yesterday of an artist we love (whose work we often perform), a little known clip...and it was quite beautiful. He sent it to all of us and a couple other musicians he works with. Normally I would ignore this but since I'm returning to the nonchalant lifestyle AND it was an amazing piece so I wrote back, told him so and thanked him for sharing. He wrote back that he thought it was awesome and "Would LOVE to hear that live!"

 

So do I just stop and let it go here....or respond? We really talk very little other than brief pleasantries and band-related business. But I feel I should just leave him wanting more...such a game.

 

But who cares, right?

 

Imagine: if he expects you to definitely respond to that one and you don't, a huge spark of interest will ignite. The BEST way to show them the new, more attractive us is to NOT do what they expect us to do.

[J-L-T]

It's really hard not contacting him!!! Is there anyway I can do it in an attractive way? lol

[SA2000]

I seriously think Nonchalance is attracting my ex back. New guy is being pushy. He is calling and texting all the time. She seems to be gettting annoyed. Being cool, funny, and in a good mood is really attractive. I love being around people like that, so I AM one of those people. I will never ask her though if this is what attracted her back (if she ever comes back that is. Haha.) because that wouldn't be nonchalant!

[J-L-T]

I seriously think Nonchalance is attracting my ex back. New guy is being pushy. He is calling and texting all the time. She seems to be gettting annoyed. Being cool, funny, and in a good mood is really attractive. I love being around people like that, so I AM one of those people. I will never ask her though if this is what attracted her back (if she ever comes back that is. Haha.) because that wouldn't be nonchalant!

 

Do you ever initiate contact?

[SA2000]

I did once so far in the 6 weeks since we broke up. I was drunk and I acted like it was an accident. She got mad and hung up on me. I called her right back and said "Uh, I think we got disconnected or your phone dropped the call". She said "No, I hung up on you." To which I replied. "Oh. So how was work?" She then said it was fine and asked if she could come over. Non chalance works again!

 

I will text her tonight but in response to her question from yesterday. So, not really.

[SA2000]

The way I figure it is if she wants to talk to me, she will call. I will answer. If she doesnt want to talk to me, she wont call. Easy.

[CrapAtNC]

Mate, it's pretty clear to me that she ONLY wants to make sure she can reach out to you when she feels like it. And most of the time she doesn't feel like it. YOU are WANTING to give her everything; she is giving you NOTHING in return. And it's your own fault. You are not just too available, you are still pushing. It's time for you to ONLY communicate with her by answering her calls. Do not call back. Do not text back. She thinks she can toy with you while she contemplates others, and I think you deserve more than that.

 

If you want to continue to live unhappily like this, then keep doing what you're doing. If you want to break the pattern and find a truly rewarding, happy relationship, then you MUST break the pattern. She knows you want her but she's made a choice. Now you must show her what that means. You have to start filling your time with something else that's important to you--something that helps you feel better about yourself and not NEED to be NEEDED. There's a reason you're reading the codependence thread, remember. Because you want to fix yours. Now fix it. Stop getting your daily fix by desperately trying to be needed.

 

 

 

You're having a bad day, but generally you're on your way to greater happiness. Of course you miss her. Of course you want things to be perfect. But like the fatty talking about desiring a healthier, more attractive body while chowing down on a bucket of fried chicken, you need to step back and take a look at how your cravings just take you further away from the relationship that you want. If you care, leave them to fix their own problems. You are not settling for less; you are building the foundation for something great. Stay upbeat. Find a distraction. Choose the distraction over the ex as much as possible. Then see what happens.

 

 

 

Yes, it's perfect for friendships. You are not putting up a wall; you're taking one down--it's called neediness, and it's been a barrier for you, as you know. Nonchalance breaks that wall down.

 

 

 

It certainly is. Great job! Be prepared for a last-ditch threatening move by her, which you must NOT reward. A cheerful "OK!" and suitable upbeat response will do the trick. You are about to get the "I'm strangely drawn to you!" speech from her; I know it.

 

 

 

No. Read my 43 Reasons to Go NC thread if you need reminders.

 

 

 

You the man! It's very attractive. It's also very healthy for us (and them). Just make sure you're prepared for reconciling--that's the most difficult time, as it's when you might be most likely to fall back into neediness and clinginess as a huge sense of relief sets in.

 

 

 

Perfect! You broke what I'm guessing was a previously destructive pattern. You refused to let HER mood affect yours, and THAT is healthy and attractive. You switched that around beautifully! I had my ex tell me she's never speak to me again in one sentence to cute pleasantries the next by simply responding "You'll survive" after the threat. I totally showed that it would only affect her and not me, and lead her into a far more productive mood. It's amazing how quickly it turns things around. Great job!

 

 

 

Yes! Be sure to be upbeat and funny and in no way need to know anything about her. Also, break the convo off before it gets into that "I'm just hanging on to you as long as possible" stage. Leaving them at a high point will ALWAYS have them wanting more of you. Haha! Bye!

[rapunzel]

Imagine: if he expects you to definitely respond to that one and you don't, a huge spark of interest will ignite. The BEST way to show them the new, more attractive us is to NOT do what they expect us to do.

 

Right. The problem is I'm not sure what he would "expect" me to do or if he even thinks about it - or cares. But who cares what he thinks, right?

 

Anyway, since I was in doubt, I decided to do nothing and not respond. Whatever!

[sadchick83]

Hi Crap,

I am having a bad week...last week after about a month of NC, he called and we met for a drink for an hour- no talk of the relationship. He was very tired and yawned for most of the hour...he has been working 18 hours a day to finish a home reno (he works by himself). He called me back a few days later, to chat and to apologize for being so tired on our date. The next day he came to my work- I work at a bank branch, to pay a bill...he could have gone to many other closer branches.

 

Anyway, nothing this week. I know he has to visit family, because he has a family reunion a few hours away... and he still has to finishe the job in order to leave.

 

I feel like he tried 3 times last week and was sweet every time, I should make some sort of effort...What do you think?

I have been extremely good at non chalance. I even bought a house last week, so have been occupied etc.

 

Is now a good time to make an effort??

Please help!

[CrapAtNC]

In my opinion, no. If your goal is to bring him back to you, and to take the relationship to the place you have found for yourself, then stay exactly where you are.

 

Have you ever tried catching a cat who is spooked? They stay away. We chase. They run further. We stop chasing. They come out of hiding. We make a move towards them to reward them for their bravery, and they immediately run away again. We don't move. They come out. We don't even look. They move towards us. We turn. We narrow our eyes--a friendly smile to a cat--and they approach. We turn away. They make contact. We try to touch them. They run away again. Then we just stick to not moving and friendly cat smiles and they end up on our lap.

 

Right now you have his interest. Nonchalance will attract him to you. His reward for coming forward is to enjoy your company and not be chased away by you. Stay still. Stay smiling. You're doing great, so don't change a thing.

[SA2000]

Haha just used non chalance again. The ex called because she saw me driving. I was supposed to let her know if I was going to go to a movie with her this weekend by tonight. I was mid text wording my reply as cool as possible and my phone rings. Problem solved. I brought up the movie. She was like you were supposed to tell me today. Not all late at night! I laughed it off and said It's my late week at work. I told her we should go to the 9:45 showing. She was like oh that's kind of late. I have to be up early(Crap called that one). I said OK cool. We can go another time. She was like Oh no that'll work. I just can't stay out late afterwords. I'm like ok cool. She is going to go early and get tickets so we don't have to worry about it selling out and I can go home first. She is being so considerate and nice. And I get to keep my NIC record. Yes!

[CrapAtNC]

By the way, the cat analogy is worth remembering. Do you know why cats always stay away from people who REALLY love cats but end up on the laps of people who don't? People who like cats stare at them wide-eyed, but, to a cat, that's a predatory threat. The ones who regard cats with disdain narrow their eyes when they see them and unwittingly send out the signal that they're safe to be around.

 

People who love cats and want to be close to them have to learn to resist their natural tendencies to unwittingly push them away.

[CrapAtNC]

Nice! And not being able to hang out too long afterwards will only create more desire to spend more time with you again. It's perfect! End the evening early and you'll have her thinking about wanting more as she drifts off to sleep. ;-)

 

Be sure not to draw out the good-bye; briefer is better!