babysunshine Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 My boyfriend of four years broke up with me on Valentines day, after doing the whole begging,pleading, crying, promising to change we finally met face to face (it was a LDR for the past 2 years), and basically at the end of the conversation and after we both had cried our eyes out I told him to NEVER call me again unless he wanted me back. He was very upset and said I knew him better than anyone and hewould miss me like crazy but that he understood that it was not fair to me and that he could not have his cakeand eat it too. This was about three weeks ago. In these three weeks there has been no contact whatsoever from either of our parts. The thing is.... now I'm starting to feel like maybe I was a little drastic? My birthday is coming up in a week andI'm pretty sure he won't call even though I want him to of course. Anyways I guess my question is: Is it likely that he will never call again and did I do the right thing? =( Thanks in advance..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
renaissancewoman101 Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 If you are regretting what you did (which may have been done in haste because of the heat of the moment), it would behoove you to contact your ex and ask him if you guys could talk it out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babysunshine Posted April 2, 2008 Author Share Posted April 2, 2008 The only thing is, I really want him back and he wants to be single. He's twenty six and has been with me since he was 22 and said the long distance was too much stress right now. So I guess NC is best for me in order tomove on but at the sametime he was my best friend for four years. I wish I hadn't said NEVER to call unless he wanted me back.He even said "Oh you'll change yourmind you will want to see how I'm doing". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bronte Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 I don't think it was a mistake to tell him...I told my ex when I was going into NC, and he has not contacted me since then. That is very painful at times (on my birthday, for example)--but it has also helped me move on and start the healing process in a way that I never could have while still in contact with him. You told your ex what circumstances he could call you under--if he wants to get back together . If he doesn't contact you you know that while he may be missing you, he doesn't want to get back together...and it's better in my opinion to know that for sure than to be in continued contact with him and always wondering if it's going to lead to something more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
renaissancewoman101 Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 If an ex (that I was on good terms with), didn't contact me on my birthday, I would be terribly hurt and crushed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babysunshine Posted April 2, 2008 Author Share Posted April 2, 2008 Bronte- You are right. It does eliminate the false hope and wavering thoughts about getting back together, which to me might be more painful then NC. Oh well. Nothing I can do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
renaissancewoman101 Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 I guess I am the one who would rather be in contact with an ex, than just cutting him/her out of my life and where i could be in the position to never hear from them again. The "never" is the hardest thing to swallow. At the end, when you met up, you pushed him away, and he is giving you what you wanted. If you have second thoughts, I would let him know. Life is too fleeting to live with regrets. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babysunshine Posted April 2, 2008 Author Share Posted April 2, 2008 Renaissance- When you keep in contact does it not hurt you or stir up feelings? Maybe you are stronger than I. I do have regrets about saying NEVER AGAIN. but at the same time I don't know if I could handle just chatting with him every couple of months or so. I think it is rare for someone to break up with someone an then call them back without having talked to them and say"I WANT YOU BACK!!. " That is why I feel sad about putting down an ultimatum like that. Now even if he wanted to call and see how I was doing he probably wont. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
orangesoda Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 I think you did the right thing for yourself. Don't feel bad if he doesn't contact you on your birthday. It may sting for a bit, but NC will make you whole again. It really does work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
orangesoda Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 You know, it doesn't have to be never. Give NC some time to work. Maybe he'll come back. Maybe he won't. But it doesn't mean that 6 months from now, or even a year, when you've moved on, that you can't ring him or email him to reestablish a friendship. Many many people have tried to be 'just friends' immediately after a breakup and a lot of times, it just doesn't work. There's still too much tension and emotion involved to just be a 'hey, whatsup' friend. So do NC for a while until you get your head straight, and everything will sort itself out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babysunshine Posted April 2, 2008 Author Share Posted April 2, 2008 Ugh. Just the thought of someone I deeply loved for four years being a "hey-what's up friend" makes me want to throw up. =( It's so sad. Thanks for all the advice guys. I appreciate it so much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
renaissancewoman101 Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 Renaissance- When you keep in contact does it not hurt you or stir up feelings? Maybe you are stronger than I. I do have regrets about saying NEVER AGAIN. but at the same time I don't know if I could handle just chatting with him every couple of months or so. I think it is rare for someone to break up with someone an then call them back without having talked to them and say"I WANT YOU BACK!!. " That is why I feel sad about putting down an ultimatum like that. Now even if he wanted to call and see how I was doing he probably wont. Yeah it stings sometimes and hurts. I am not that strong. Maybe I am odd. But I believe in what I believe. But you look at the person, beyond the broken relationship, the breakup, as a person you once counted on as a friend. Remember those days and experiences, and realize sometimes you click as a friend more than in a relationship. To me, sometimes people are more than what they count in a relationship. People are people, with their own intrisinc worth and value. And to see that, you have to be strong and look at their worth ABOVE and BEYOND the breakup. Breakups are breakups, a small part of our lives. People are people and they have an influence in our lives. Each person that graces our lives with their presense, imparts a pearl of wisdom, and gives us a piece of themselves. Not to sound critical, personally, I don;t think you should have given an ultimatum like that, and I think part of you regrets it, since it kinda shuts the door on him coming back, even on a friendly mission. If I were you, I would swallow your pride and apologize to him and explain to him what you want from him. And then see what happens. I am a person that is not ashamed to admit when she is wrong. And I will put myself out there for what I believe in. Life is too short not to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 personally, i think you did the right thing the first time. i am not for staying friends with an ex, it keeps you hurting for too long, too much false hope. as far as i am concerned, you are not ready to be friends with your ex until you are so over them, you would hear that they are engaged to be married to a victoria's secret model, the sex is great, and she's the best cook ever, and a genius, and you would be genuinely excited for him. i think that NC will help you heal. he told you himself he doesn't want to be in a relationship, and you said yourself you don't want to talk to him unless he wants to get back together, so it seems really clear what is going on here (he doesn't want to be with you.) so, i would just remind yourself of that and move forward. get the book 'it's called a breakup because it's broken.' read it a few dozen times. PS - i gave an ultimatum like that once and was glad i did. he wasn't a bad guy, but staying friend with him would have messed with my heart and head and i would have never gotten over him and moved on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babysunshine Posted April 2, 2008 Author Share Posted April 2, 2008 that they are engaged to be married to a victoria's secret model, the sex is great, and she's the best cook ever, and a genius, and you would be genuinely excited for him. That is hillarious. and You're right. Too much false hope. It's been 21 days NC and it seriously feels like 21 years. When you talkto someone everyday for four years and then all of a sudden put a stop to it. It's very scary. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
renaissancewoman101 Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 I'm too afraid to give ultimatums. I admire those who can. And then I also admire those who can look above and beyond that, and admit maybe they were wrong in doing so. Yes, it is my belief. But that's me. And babysunshine, yes it is VERY scary to not ever talk to someone, a person that you had been talking to on a daily basis for the last few years. Very scary and leaves you feeling very lonely and empty. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 but ren - i think you are left feeling lonlier and emptier when you drag things on and don't sufficiently heal over the ex, rather than going NC, getting 150% over them, and THEN maybe being friends in the future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babysunshine Posted April 2, 2008 Author Share Posted April 2, 2008 But when you are dumped you "force" yourself to heal. But sometimes dumpers have to "force" themselves also. If I gave such an intense ultimatum such as to never call me unless he wanted to get back, aren't I diminishing the chances of having a reconciliation and in actuality helping him move on as well? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilred Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 I know you're hurting right now, but can you really stomach your bf rejecting you again? if you think that you can, and he is worth fighting for, and you can see him as your only soulmate, i say "go for it"---have that difficult conversation. But if he still rejects you, then remember you need to start your healing process from square one again. Let us know what you do! Best of luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
renaissancewoman101 Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 if she doesn't have the conversation, she will always have second thoughts. Life is too short to live with regrets. Who knows, maybe I am the wrong person to give advice about this. I feel so passionately strong about friendships with an ex. Why I don't know anymore. Maybe I just enjoy the pain of being burned time and time again. Yeah, maybe! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EyesOnThePrize Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 Ren, I hear what you're saying. My ex-wife leaves the house next week, and I am going full NC. And I'm terrified that next week may be the last time that I ever see her for the rest of my life, and the last time I ever hear her voice. And yet, right now hearing her voice gives me pain. I walk on eggshells in my own house, she has a new boyfriend, and I don't mean to her what she means to me. And I do not want to be pining after her for the next 30 years. I need a break from her. I believe she still loves me, and I believe this is just a phase for her, and I believe we will be together again one day (if I think she deserves me, which I don't at the moment)...and I could be wrong, and we could never speak again. And if that's what is to be, then that's what is to be. It is just the consequences of the choices we both made. And it won't be me closing the door to future contact. And who knows what she will choose. Yeah, the possibility sucks, but I am not going to chase after this woman. She has jerked me around for too many years and the rules have changed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babysunshine Posted April 2, 2008 Author Share Posted April 2, 2008 Eyes- I wish you all the luck with your NC. They say if it's meant to be it will be and if they never contact us again, hopefully by doing NC successfully, by that time we wont even care.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 look, i know plenty of people who tried the 'let's be friends' route, and continued being friends, hanging out, occasionally hooking up. i've never seen this lead to a reconciliation, only further heartbreak. the dumper already made the decision, they said it loud and clear. continuing to prolong this stage only hurts yourself. the dumper gets the benefit of having your company without any of the responsibilities if you get hurt along the way. they get everything and give nothing. on the other hand, i think that going NC really forces them to think about what they are losing, what life is like without you, etc.... i've never had a dumper come back to me after we decided to 'stay friends.' but i have had a guy come back to me after i went full NC. he told me he really had the chance to see what life was like without me, and that he didn't want that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greensleeves Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 You know, it doesn't have to be never. Give NC some time to work. Maybe he'll come back. Maybe he won't. But it doesn't mean that 6 months from now, or even a year, when you've moved on, that you can't ring him or email him to reestablish a friendship. Many many people have tried to be 'just friends' immediately after a breakup and a lot of times, it just doesn't work. There's still too much tension and emotion involved to just be a 'hey, whatsup' friend. So do NC for a while until you get your head straight, and everything will sort itself out. I think that Orange Soda gives some great advice here. Right now you're probably better off having zero contact with him...give yourself a chance to move on and heal. Leave the door open to contact him someday in the future, but only when you feel that you can do so without getting hurt by the fact that he no longer wants to be in a relationship with you. By doing this, you can put aside your worries about saying "never". Also, by sticking to your guns on what you've told him...he'll have the opportunity to miss having you in his life and may have second thoughts about his decision. But, don't have any expectations of him coming back to you...having no conact is something you need to do for yourself so that you can get over the break up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 But when you are dumped you "force" yourself to heal. But sometimes dumpers have to "force" themselves also. If I gave such an intense ultimatum such as to never call me unless he wanted to get back, aren't I diminishing the chances of having a reconciliation and in actuality helping him move on as well? i think it gives him the time and space to see if you are really the one for him. if he can live without you and finds he isn't missing you, etc... then you two were never meant to be. if he has the opportunity to miss you, then he may see that he made a great mistake. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 I think that Orange Soda gives some great advice here. Right now you're probably better off having zero contact with him...give yourself a chance to move on and heal. Leave the door open to contact him someday in the future, but only when you feel that you can do so without getting hurt by the fact that he no longer wants to be in a relationship with you. By doing this, you can put aside your worries about saying "never". Also, by sticking to your guns on what you've told him...he'll have the opportunity to miss having you in his life and may have second thoughts about his decision. But, don't have any expectations of him coming back to you...having no conact is something you need to do for yourself so that you can get over the break up. yes, i agree. maybe in the future, one day, you can be friends again, but in the foreseeable future, no. heal first. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.