Ed1 Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 I posted a thread on the Trust forum last week, as I have been having a few issues with my g/f of 3 months. We get on really well, and have really connected, but there is one issue that seems to be recurring, and I would really like to sort it out, as it detracts from all the amazing times we have together. My g/f seems to feel that it is perfectly normal for her to go away with her g/f’s, stay at random guys (her g/f friends) houses for the night, and go clubbing with her g/f, and the guy and his friends. She will go for nights out where she knows another ex will be attending (who has been recently e-mailing her saying he wants her etc). Last weekend she went on 3 nights break with a group of 6 including her ex b/f (something she had booked before we met). She shared rooms with a female friend, but I just felt really anxious all weekend. Although she assures me that nothing is going to happen, she wants to be with me etc it makes me feel really uncomfortable. I just don’t feel that this sort of social activity is right when you are in a relationship. She says that she will consider my feelings more in the future, but then I feel guilty, as I don’t want her to feel like she can’t see her friends or go away for fear of hurting me. She says this has never been an issue with her previous partners, and I am just left feeling that maybe I am being unreasonable. What are peoples thoughts? Should I just let her do all these things, and accept that she likes to do them, and totally trust her? It is not a case of not trusting her, more a case of I know that guys will be trying to hit on her, and in the environments I have described, I just don’t like it. Any help / advice would be greatly appreciated, as I really don’t want this to erode our relationship, especially if it is an issue that is a result of me being inadvertently unreasonable. Many thanks, Ed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
richmonder80 Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 You've only been dating her for 3 months, you cant expect her to give up all of her social activities, especially the fact that she made those plans before you got together. If you feel that you can't trust her then you need to tell her that and see what she has to say about it. Without trust and honesty, this problem will be a continuous battle for you two. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darkness_Falls Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Yes I think you are being unreasonable. Unless you have been given reason to think that she would be doing something like cheating on you whilst away then just trust that she isn't doing anything bad. You can't stop her going out with her friends, even if it is for a few nights. She is perfectly entitled to do these things. She obviously enjoys spending time with her friends and having fun. As long as you get to spend time with her as well then what's the problem? Can you ask to join her sometime? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
juicey Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 "What are peoples thoughts? Should I just let her do all these things, and accept that she likes to do them, and totally trust her? It is not a case of not trusting her, more a case of I know that guys will be trying to hit on her, and in the environments I have described, I just don’t like it." Whoa, back up here. You are not in an authoritative position. I think you need to kind of get shift the way you are looking at this. IMO, it is unreasonable to expect her to stop activities that she likes. She said she will consider your feelings and I think that is reasonable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darkness_Falls Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 "What are peoples thoughts? Should I just let her do all these things, and accept that she likes to do them, and totally trust her? It is not a case of not trusting her, more a case of I know that guys will be trying to hit on her, and in the environments I have described, I just don’t like it." Whoa, back up here. You are not in an authoritative position. I think you need to kind of get shift the way you are looking at this. IMO, it is unreasonable to expect her to stop activities that she likes. She said she will consider your feelings and I think that is reasonable. Agreed, the "just LET her" stood out to me as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ed1 Posted March 31, 2008 Author Share Posted March 31, 2008 Thanks for the replies...... maybe my message sounded a little too authoritative..... that really is not the case. I guess my main issue is that she has openly admitted that she would not be comfortable / happy if I went away and stayed at a womans house and went clubbing with her female friends. She also said that she would have been upset if I went away with a group of people that included my ex...... To me these are natural feelings, especially when I really care for her. I know it may sound silly, but I do trust her, I just hate the idea of men hitting on her. I just kind of think that if you are in a committed relationship, why would you want to go away for a weekend and stay with a group, including a number of lads? Why would you want to go away for a weekend with a group including your ex? I am all for my g/f going out with the girls and having a fun night out, wether that include drinking or clubbing.....it is not a problem. I just feel like it is double standards if she would feel uncomfortable if the shoe was on the other foot. Am I really being too possessive? not wanting my g/f sleeping in an environment with a number of single guys or her ex? This is really confusing me, as every other relationship I have been in, the g/f has not wanted to do these things..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Girl79 Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 You may be a little unreasonable, but it's not right that it is totally cool for her to do those things yet she would be upset and not want you to do the same thing. To me it sounds like she's not ready for a relationship. She's in party mode. Sounds like she has some growing up to do before she is ready to be in a commited relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darkness_Falls Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 People can be friends with the opposite sex, and indeed with their exes. I am good mates with my ex and my bf is cool with it (I actually live with my ex and he's fine with that too) but I know not everyone would be alright with this. I do think its fine for people to be able to go out with their friends in groups, be it males or females. Remember that there are people out there who get on better the opposite gender for whatever reason. Should they miss out on nights out because of the gender of their friends? I don't think so. And just because someone is in a relationship, it doesn't mean they should need to change many things, apart from obv seeing other people in a romantic sense. So if she did these group things when she was single she should also be able to do them while in a relationship, otherwise that can be quite constraining. HOWEVER, you have mentioned that she would be upset had you gone away with your friends in this kind of situation. Have a discussion with her about the double standards here. Because that doesn't seem at all fair that she can do this yet you can't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
juicey Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Hi Ed, It does seem weird that she would not want you to do it, but will do it herself. Is she not on the same level of commitment? Maybe start your conversation with that to see where both of you are and where both of you are heading. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brokedownpalace Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 the more you tell her NOT To.. the more she will do. Its just the natural reaction of people who dont like being told what to do. Its the begininng of the relationship and you dont want to start it out already controlling her life. You need to realize the distinction here that I dont think other people are telling you is that you are not feeling unreasonable. Her actions dictate a train of thought in ANY person that would coincide with yours. However YOUR Actions are unreasonable. Shes an adult - you dont own her - you arent married - she really has no responsibility to you nor does she owe you anything. You need to stifle that urge to tell her what to do and let it go and if she cares about you and your feelings she will eventually stop. Patience my man, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
awnestj Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 i don't think you're being unreasonable at all. however, you also cannot change someone. if you express your concern to her, and she's not willing to make an attempt to make you feel more comfortable, then maybe you two aren't a good match. this wouldn't make her a bad person, just not the right person for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iceman26 Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Bottom line is if you aren't comfortable with it then you aren't comfortable with it. Funny how she holds you to a different standard than she does for herself. She wouldn't be cool with you hanging out with exes yet you should be? Big red flag there Ed. I know I wouldn't be down with dating a girl that hung out with exes and partied all the time. Didn't you know this before you started dating her? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ed1 Posted April 1, 2008 Author Share Posted April 1, 2008 Hi, Many thanks for all the responses, and advice - much appreciated. In response to some of the questions raised: Yes, she did see her ex at social gatherings before seeing me - but over the past 2 - 3 months he has been contacting her a lot via e-mail, saying her really misses her, and asking her to meet up. She shares the mails with me, but I don't feel comfortable around an ex who is obviously trying to hot off with her. She really does not like me be in contact with my ex(s). Again I share with her when I get a text or e-mail from them, as I have nothing to hide, and if it makes her feel more comfortable...... She says that she is totally committed to me, but that a lot of her friends are male, a lot of her group of friends include males, and her ex(s) are exactly that..... Thing is I do not want to be controlling or limit what she does (within reason). All I hope for is a little sensitivity to certain situations, and for her to consider how she would feel if I was doing what she is, and if she would be really uncomfortable with a situation to consider taking me along, or maybe not attend that particular event. Ed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darkness_Falls Posted April 1, 2008 Share Posted April 1, 2008 I'm all for exes being friends and having opposite gender friends etc, that's just me though. Now, you would think, that because I am all for it that I shouldn't mind my bf being friends with exes/females. I am fine with it on the outside, I don't tell him who to see and who not to see. I trust that he will let me know if his exes get in touch, which he does, and I do the same. However, when I hear that an ex is talking to him again I do tend to get insecure. But I know it's just irrational thinking in my head so I don't take it out on him but I will share with him what is going through my head. He knows I have issues and is supportive in helping me through them. It's kind of a calm approach to something that other people could easily blow out of proportion. You seem to be approaching this in a calm manner, by both of you sharing any contact you get from exes. And that is a good mature thing to do. What you now need to do is completely recreate the situation that she is doing to you, but reversed. You say this ex of hers is attempting to get back in the picture perhaps, well completely recreate that situation by giving her a situation like that with your ex. I don't mean go out and do it but say "How would you feel if (exs name) got in touch with me and said she still had feelings for me, would you want me still to contact her?" By including the ex's name, you are making it that bit more personal. Then maybe she will be able to feel what you feel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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