Ed1 Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 Hi, I would really appreciate some advice regarding an issue that I have with my g/f of 3 months. We get on really well in every way, and I really like spending time with her. We have really connected over the past few months, and I want to make a real go of things. I just have one issue.....I don't know if it is me, from a trust perspective, or her just not respecting my feelings.....this is where I would appreciate your advice. 4 weeks ago she went to a ball with her friends, knowing that her ex b/f was in attendance, and a guy that had been trying to hit on her for months. I could not go, as she went with a g/f, and she didn't want her g/f to feel uncomfortable (which I could understand). Last weekend, she went away for 3 nights with a group of 5 others, mixed sex, including her ex b/f. It had been planned before we got together, and she wanted to go to see one of the girls, whom she is good friends with. I was not comfortable with the situation, but wanted her to go, as it was important to her. Her ex b/f even drived her to the venue which was 2.5 hours drive. Again, I trusted her, and although not comfortable with the arrangements, let her go.... Today, she announced that she has a weekend away planned with her 2 best g/f's. This involves going to stay at a male friends house (of one of her g/f). They plan to go clubbing with the male friend, and sleep at his house. I just feel really uncomfortable with this, not because I don't trust her, but because I hate the idea of her being in an environment where guys will be hitting on her. I have discussed with her to try and get her to appreciate my perspective, and she says she would feel really uncomfortable if it was me doing these things, but that she wants to do them, and that I should trust her. I understand that it any relationship there will be times when your partner will go away, or be in situations/environment where you may not be totally comfortable, and those feelings are because you really care for that person. My problem is that these situations seem to be regular, and I hate feeling uncomfortable, and worrying all weekend while she is away. Question is: Am I right to feel really uncomfortable? Is it natural to not want your g/f to be in this situation? Although I would never say she could not go anywhere, am I right to say that I would prefer she didn't stay at a single guys house (who I have no knowledge of)? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Many thanks, Ed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aviatormy Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 I think that there are times when it is appropriate for a girl to go out and have fun with her "lady" friends... If she is committed to you and would feel uncomfortable if the situation was reversed... WTH is she doing this for??? If I were you, I would leave her and find someone that includes you in her life. Thats way too many occurrences in my opinion. Seems like you have been patient for long enough. One question, does she find it "fun" to hang out with you? I mean, when you are in fact out with her and her friends, are you that guy that everyone like to hang out with cause you add to the situatioin or are you that creepy guy that is just really quiet and just sits there by his GF's side? This could be a reason that you are not being invited. Give us some more info. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ed1 Posted March 25, 2008 Author Share Posted March 25, 2008 Thanks for the reply.... In response to your question.... I am considered as a very sociable guy, can adapt to any social environment, and get on well with most, if not everyone. I met a group of her friends a month or so ago, and they commented on how sociable I was.... it was difficult as they were also her ex's friends, but I just focused on the positive, and we all got on really well and had a great evening. She just seems to think that I am having her on too tight a leash, where as I see it that there are boundaries in a relationship, and you do have to consider your partners feelings when you are in a relationship, and make comromises. I REALLY was not comfortable with her going away with that group including her ex last weekend, but I compromised, as I knew she really wanted to spend some time with the lady friend...... she just makes me feel like I am so sort of possesive freak for feeling uncomfortable, and wanting to share time with her - quality time during the weekend, when you don't come home from work tired, and have to go to bed early for the next day at work.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aviatormy Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 I think that you should have a stern talk with her. Lay it out and give her an ultimatum. To my understanding, she would hate for you to do to her what she is doing to you. There are two way to approach this. 1) Start maiking plans with your friends. Start having your own life outside of her. If she calls you and says that she wants to spend time with you.... tell her that you already promised your friends that you are going out for a "guys night out". If she gets upset then pin her with being hypocritical. If she does not see your logic behind this then I would strongly suggest leaving her. 2) It seems that you are a nice guy and are fun to be with. Why not just break off your ties with this girl.. more often than not i read about people holding onto someone that is toxic to them. By this I mean, they are manipulative, controlling or in your case, hypocritical. Why waste time with someone that is not compromising and understanding of your own feelings? Man up! Take the lead in the realtionship. I can gurantee that she does not see you as a MAN when you are so submitting to her behavior. Make your point known to her and tell her "I am not going to do this anymore, you either need to include me in your life or continue your single lifestyle" The ball is in your court now. make her understand this! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
talo Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 Question is: Am I right to feel really uncomfortable? Is it natural to not want your g/f to be in this situation? Although I would never say she could not go anywhere, am I right to say that I would prefer she didn't stay at a single guys house (who I have no knowledge of)? There is not really any rights or wrongs in this life, only what you are comfortable or uncomfortable with, or what you prefer. Some people prefer to be uncomfortable. If you prefer to be comfortable, then you negotiate, either with her, or away from her. Be warned however, that there is no ongoing comfort in this world as of right, it is all a matter of negotiation. One may learn to be comfortable negotiating. With best wishes, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ed1 Posted March 27, 2008 Author Share Posted March 27, 2008 Thanks for the replies...... I guess what I am trying to ascertain is.... Would any guy (in a loving & caring relationship) be happy with his g/f going away for the weekend, and staying at some random guys house (a friends friend of my g/f) with a couple of her female friends? and probably have this guys mates over too? It is not really a case of not trusting my g/f, more the fact that I know she would really hate the idea of me staying at a random womans house for a weekend. I just don't feel comfortable with her staying there, but don't know if I am being unreasonable. I don't want to be in a controlling relationship where I stop her doing things because I am not comfortable, but equally I don't want her constantly in environments with guys trying it on with her, regardless of the fact that she would say no - if that makes sense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scorpion Fury Posted March 27, 2008 Share Posted March 27, 2008 I don't know if she is truly ready to commit to you. She doesn't respect your feelings, and no they're not irrational. What person in their right mind would want their boyfriend/girlfriend to spend a weekend at some random guy's house getting wasted at the club all weekend? No one. Going out with your friends every weekend and clubbing is a single person's lifestyle, in my opinion. When you're with someone you want to commit to, you don't feel the need to do those things anymore, maybe once in a while go have some drinks with your friends. But not the entire weekend at some guy's house! If this relationship is important to her, your feelings should be important. If she really respected how you felt, she wouldn't go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
orangesoda Posted March 27, 2008 Share Posted March 27, 2008 you sound a lot like a disposable boyfriend for her. granted your relationship is only 3 months old but if you had written this without mentioning her as your GF, I would have thought this was about a single, available girl. She sure is spending a lot of time *not* with you, and with other guys in general, including ex-BF's, and guys that are interested in her. You should either scale back your interest in her or put your foot down before your come off as a pushover. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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