Volkslad Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 Three months after she broke up with me, and after two months of trying to stay friends, it wasn't working..I still loved her and totally wasn't getting over her. So I, rather rudely and abruptly, told her I needed some space from her to heal and move on. She was upset by it because she thought we were going to stay friends, but she totally respected it and didn't contact me. I saw her at work, and as she was looking at me all sad-eyed I (temporarily and briefly) broke NC after 10 days just to tell her I wasn't mad at her, and that I would always care for her, and to take care of herself..and went back into NC. Well, what I thought was a nice see ya later gesture was taken the wrong way. She contacted me for the last three days, and today told me she thought my visit meant I wanted to go back to being friends. It didn't, so I told her: We'll always be "friends", but I've told you how I feel about you, and if I could be just your friend, it would mean everything I said to you was a lie..and it wasn't. You are more than welcome in my life, but you know my conditions. Anything short of that...and we should both just move on. I think it was the perfect way to leave things, and I wish I had said it before I went NC the first time. This way I'll get my NC, and if she breaks it I'll know why. So...good? bad? comments? improvements? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Volkslad Posted March 20, 2008 Author Share Posted March 20, 2008 some things are better left unspoken.... Mysterious words...care to elaborate? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thinkstoohard Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 I think you did the right thing. Period. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 I agree with bildit. If she was hurt that you didn't want to be friends, maybe she should consider that it is a worse feeling when you are in a relationship and then dumped. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wtm78 Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 I, rather rudely and abruptly, told the ex I needed some space from her. She was upset by it because she thought we were going to stay friends, but she totally respected it and didn't contact me. dont know how you did it. but rather rudely and abruptly doesnt sounded very nice... I saw her at work, and as she was looking at me all sad-eyed I (temporarily and briefly) broke NC after 10 days just to tell her I wasn't mad at her, and that I would always care for her, and to take care of herself..and went back into NC. you need not say this before going NC. its misleading... Well, what I thought was a nice see ya later gesture was taken the wrong way. She contacted me for the last three days, and today told me she thought my visit meant I wanted to go back to being friends. It didn't, so I told her: We'll always be "friends", but I've told you how I feel about you, and if I could be just your friend, it would mean everything I said to you was a lie..and it wasn't. You are more than welcome in my life, but you know my conditions. Anything short of that...and we should both just move on. you need not say this... what you think was nice, will hurt her like crazy... I think it was the perfect way to leave things, and I wish I had said it before I went NC the first time. This way I'll get my NC, and if she breaks it I'll know why. So...good? bad? comments? improvements? it is not the best way to leave things... some things are better left unspoken.... however what done is done... don't cry over spill milk... you don't need assurance if it is good or bad or any room for improvement... you wanted your NC you got your NC... i suggest you keep your NC... if you love her as a friend. don't mislead her again... it hurts big time... some things are better left unspoken.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smoochie Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 Why were you rude and ended it abruptly? I do not think you were very nice with the "we can be friends on my terms" kind of statement. It doesn't appear you explained anything to her. She didn't break NC, you did. Now, you say something like that? Not cool..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Volkslad Posted March 20, 2008 Author Share Posted March 20, 2008 We'll always be "friends", but I've told you how I feel about you, and if I could be just your friend, it would mean everything I said to you was a lie..and it wasn't. You are more than welcome in my life, but you know my conditions. Anything short of that...and we should both just move on.[/b] you need not say this... what you think was nice, will hurt her like crazy... I didn't say it to be nice. It's true. She truly believes that our friendship could continue on like nothing had happened. When of course it couldn't..and I need to heal, not softshoe around someone that wants to be friends and come visit me everyday and talk like we did when we were together..if she wants that so bad..she shouldn't have broken up with me. THAT hurts like crazy. I love her, but I have to worry about me first, her second. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wtm78 Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 i understand. you have to worry about you first, her second. but she is a female... do watch what you say. women takes emotions at a different level than us man. we live and learn. we can protect ourselves and not hurt someone else at the same time. that is when we walk away a bigger man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smoochie Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 I didn't say it to be nice. It's true. She truly believes that our friendship could continue on like nothing had happened. When of course it couldn't..and I need to heal, not softshoe around someone that wants to be friends and come visit me everyday and talk like we did when we were together. THAT hurts like crazy. I love her, but I have to worry about me first, her second. This makes no sense. You love her so you break up with her rudely. Then you purposely hurt her because YOU are hurting. It sounds to me you are a tad bit selfish and shallow. And a real, stand up, decent guy WILL put her feelings first in a breakup. She's better off.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Volkslad Posted March 20, 2008 Author Share Posted March 20, 2008 This makes no sense. You love her so you break up with her rudely. Then you purposely hurt her because YOU are hurting. It sounds to me you are a tad bit selfish and shallow. And a real, stand up, decent guy WILL put her feelings first in a breakup. She's better off.... I don't think you understand that I was the one that got dumped. I've edited the original post to make it more clear. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smoochie Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 Oh ok. Thanks for the clarification. Yeah, in light of the new info, you did the right thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wtm78 Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 i agree with smoochie... decent guy WILL put her feelings first... be it that he got dumped or he dumps... that is the basic responsibility of a man... it is Male by birth... but a Man by Choice.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emalkoc Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 I agree with bildit. If she was hurt that you didn't want to be friends, maybe she should consider that it is a worse feeling when you are in a relationship and then dumped. CAD, always words on the spot...people mature take ownership of what they do...if she does not, she is not mature enough to be with anyways... you did the right thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LE DHUY NHUT Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 i agree with smoochie... decent guy WILL put her feelings first... be it that he got dumped or he dumps... that is the basic responsibility of a man... it is Male by birth... but a Man by Choice.... I disagree with this statement.when a person is dumped and can't be 'friends' with an ex then all contact is cut,no announcements,no apologies....this has nothing to do with gender or being 'decent',a dumpee has to take care of themselves first because for whatever reason it was they who was 'dumped'.What does this have to do with putting a female's feelings first after she broke your heart? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wtm78 Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 like i said.. "she is a female... do watch what you say. women takes emotions at a different level than us man. we live and learn. we can protect ourselves and not hurt someone else at the same time. that is when we walk away a bigger man." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LE DHUY NHUT Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 like i said.. "she is a female... do watch what you say. women takes emotions at a different level than us man. we live and learn. we can protect ourselves and not hurt someone else at the same time. that is when we walk away a bigger man." When you've been dumped by someone and are trying to get over them and is in no contact it doesn't matter one single bit what they think,male or female...all you want is to get away from them and move on.They made their choice and then you make yours.....all of us hurt and bleed the same way in breakups more so when 'dumped'.It's all down to survival and self preservation so who cares what dumpers think and what 'level of emotion' they're at?. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wtm78 Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 i think you are not following the thread... i never said going NC is wrong. but what you do to go NC makes a difference. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LE DHUY NHUT Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 i think you are not following the thread... i never said going NC is wrong. but what you do to go NC makes a difference. I'm responding to your statement that women should be treated differently in a breakup just because they are women....so whether a woman dumps or is dumped they hurt more than us and should be treated differently?The 'perfect way to go NC is to just do it...whether you are a man or woman...no announcements of NC And no explanation about why you're going NC. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XCRunner1 Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 She broke up with him. Wanted to play the friend game. It doesn't work. I know how you feel Volkslad. and I need to heal, not softshoe around someone that wants to be friends and come visit me everyday and talk like we did when we were together It was her choice. You want it known that you care for her...but can't just continue on as friends when you know you are not going to be able to feel/talk to her like a friend. Stay NC. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MattyG Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 I agree with bildit. If she was hurt that you didn't want to be friends, maybe she should consider that it is a worse feeling when you are in a relationship and then dumped. I like that, very good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
binah3 Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 She lost the privilege of having you in her life when she dumped you. It sounds to me that she wants to have her cake and eat it too. It doesn't work like that: she was free to exercise her right to let you go, and now she must face the consequences of your exercising the similar right not to have her in your life on any other terms or conditions than your own. I thoroughly support your stance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Volkslad Posted March 20, 2008 Author Share Posted March 20, 2008 Thanks for the feedback everyone. I was pretty sure it was an ok thing to do, and way to say it, but its tough to have perspective when it's your own situation. As a cautionary note..I thought I was doing awesome after 10 days of NC, but as soon as I had even the first bit of contact it set me back considerably. You, like me, might think it is ok to break NC to give some sort of parting gesture..but don't break it if you don't really have to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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