Dealing with a narcissistic mother

[daintyfairy83]

I have posted before that my MIL-to-be doesn't like me and is really controlling to his son. We discovered that she suffers from NPD. Of course we never got it officially diagnosed, because as a narcissist she believes that she is perfect. However it's very stressful to us and there's just no way to win over her because she never admits it. Does anyone have any suggestions on dealing with her? Better yet, if anyone knows how to treat a person with NPD, would you mind sharing your experience?

 

Thanks sooo much. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

[Mock Chop]

My mother is narcissistic. I wish I'd known 20+ years ago, instead of living my life letting her 'conditioning' influence my every choice and decision. My wounds run deep, and it's only now that I can see I'm not some sort of freak or weirdo and that my actionsw/reactions and behaviours are typical of one raised by a narcissistic parent.

 

What you have to realise is that you cannot change her behaviour. All you can do is change your own reactions to it. I have gone NC with my mother. Some people manage (just) to get by with limited contact. These people will never see they're doing anything wrong. Other people are there to please them. A narcissitic parent sees the child as an extension of themselves and not as a separate individual. Fighting against this causes nothing but grief. As I said, they cannot change because they will not admit they have a problem. It is the problem of the other party - they're 'too sensitive' or 'over reacting' or even better 'picking things up alllll wrong'.

 

That's how they are. They have no compassion, no empathy for others. It truly is all about them.

 

The only way I can cope with it is to distance myself and grieve for the mother that I should have had. That probably doesn't help you. There are various forums for adult children of narcissistic parents - you might want to google them for more advice. It's too close to home for me to be objective!

[Mock Chop]

This link might help you define her behaviours link removed. A lot of it hit home with me.

[daintyfairy83]

thank you so much for your responses and your link. His mother scored on every single one of them. However, my concern really is how to handle/tackle such a person. How can my bf (and I) get to live our own lives if leaving her (to him) is not yet an option?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

There is a book called malignant self love, written by Sam Vaknin who readily acknowledges that he himself has narcissisitic personality disorder. Check out this website: link removed

 

You will never be able to change them...you can only change how you react to them.

[MorbidMetalHead87]

I think it's true how you may not be able to change them but how you react is important. Like for one don't take what they say seriously. And Don't act angery, or hurt in any way, because they love any kind of attention even if it is bad attention. I have a story about a narcissist. But it's a long story. If you wanna know tho PM me.

[Mock Chop]

The book "Children of the Self Absorbed - A Grownups guide to getting over narcissistic parents" by Nina Brown is a good read. Not only does it explain the behaviours, but also the child's reaction to those behaviours and the ways in which it can be carried over into adult relationships. It gives you various 'coping' mechanisms and advice on how to maintain a relationship with the narcissistic parent whilst minimising the damage to yourself. I didn't delve too much into that bit because I don't want a relationship with my narcissistic mother at this point in time. It's way healthier (and empowering) for me to just keep a large emotional distance.

[emailas]

just a quick question for all the posters...how DO you come to the conclusion of NPD. I mean if THEY don't think they have a problem, and the constantly think everyone else is, then how do you really know they are narcissitic. (It's really a serious question)

 

Without hijacking this thread...I don't know, I have often thought that my mum has NPD... I just lack the validation I need because of the lack of objectivity with diagnosis.

 

Regardless, I agree with everyone else here, the best way to play their games is to not play.

Humour and empathy (not sympathy) tends to buffer the situation

Don't engage with her if she starts up

ALWAYS talk to your bf before commiting to anything...or else your MIL will start to play you both against each other

Be neutral and calculated with your reaction. Emotional arguments get you know where with these people

Let her rant and rave, without taking what she says personally

 

 

their words can be hurtful. There is a lot of labelling, guilting, lying which goes on with them. Don't be tricked into feeling that this is a situation you have to "fix" to make her feel better.

 

hope this helps...

[Mock Chop]

just a quick question for all the posters...how DO you come to the conclusion of NPD. I mean if THEY don't think they have a problem, and the constantly think everyone else is, then how do you really know they are narcissitic. (It's really a serious question)

 

Without hijacking this thread...I don't know, I have often thought that my mum has NPD... I just lack the validation I need because of the lack of objectivity with diagnosis.

 

Well, I'm 37 and I didn't 'find out' until I started therapy about 6 weeks ago. I had always felt something was wrong - but I thought that the something was me No matter what I did, what I had, it never felt enough. Something was always missing, and I was always struggling to win my mother's approval and love. Time after time, I reached out to her only for her to knock me back again. My therapist listened as I poured my heart out and said "You do realise that she exhibits several strong narcissistic traits, don't you?". I read everything I could, and it was true. It all fit. I felt like I'd been finally handed the missing piece of the jigsaw. How I felt about myself, how I acted and reacted are textbook for an adult child of a narcissistic parent. How she behaved is textbook. The things she did and said - it's was all there. I wasn't nurtured or cared for emotionally as a child, far from it. I lived in fear of when she would turn on me. And unfortunately, I carried it all into my adult life, without realising what I was doing or why I was doing it, but just feeling inherently flawed and useless. Now I know that it was never me, and I'm getting great strength from that and growing away from the shackles that have always bound me.

 

The very fact that THEY don't see they have a problem and it's the fault of everyone else - well, that's kind of a clue.....

[emailas]

Thanks for your response Mock Chop. It's sounds scarily like my situation. I actually posted about her just last week.

 

I'm sure your clarification has helped a few people who are wondering the same, who don't know that they are trying to fight a battle they are never going to win. Hope you're is slowly turning into a and you're realising your true self-worth!

[emailas]

This is sort of an extension of this post- but how do you deal with the spouse of a narccisist eg the FIL in this case?

[Mock Chop]

You don't. They either have similar traits themselves, or over the years they've been consumed by the narcissist. Sounds pessimistic, doesn't it? My father is not a 'bad' man. However, I recently confronted him with the way I felt about my mother, the things she had said/done over the years. His reply? A very sad, very dejected "I know". So you see, he knew what she did and said, but he did nothing to stop her. Why? I think because he didn't realise the damage it did. He was an adult, he could shrug his shoulders and say "so what" when she started her nonsense with him. I was a child, I didn't have that emotional resilience.

 

It very much depends on the individual in question. They may not want to admit their partner/spouse has a problem. They may be similar in many ways. Or they may just turn a blind eye and hope it goes away.....

[savannahohsavannah]

There is a book called malignant self love, written by Sam Vaknin who readily acknowledges that he himself has narcissisitic personality disorder. Check out this website: link removed

 

You will never be able to change them...you can only change how you react to them.

 

 

You may not want to go there! I went and put myself on the email list and it took me forever to get off of it. I personally did not find him that helpful. PD's are just too strange and once I get that vibe I back away. That's likely a good choice for the OP too.

[healthseeker]

I have a narcissistic sister...no question about it! I think her picture is next to the word in the dictionary! She completely controls my parents...if she is mad at someone, then they better follow suit, or ther is hell to pay. My mother always changes her own personality when my sister is in town.

 

I have never thought in terms of my mother being a narcissist as well, they are very different...mom is weak and completely accomodating to my sister...and my sister is a complete monster.

 

Mock, I read the link you posted to see how much it hit home for my sister and I really nearly fell off my chair. My mother fits about 80-85% of it. I am not kidding...my life may have changed today, because if you read my other post, I am struggling with the decision of cutting my family off or not. I think your link could have possibly give me the answers as to why I am constantly confused with guilt. Here's where it doesn't fit though...my mother was very nurturing when I was young. When I was a senior in high school, it switched. She seemed exhausted when I needed anything...like she resented it. She just cut me off emoitionally...my problems were my own and she and my father have treated me like that since. I went through a major depression, a health problem...you name it and they have never been there. They do have the ability..they have been consumed with my sister and brother. I have another sister that was cut off like me and about a year ago my mother decided to become her best friend and now tha sister has quit speaking to me. I am the cinderella of the family. Another difference...I am not an extension of my mom...I am just forgotten by her. Silence is her weapon. She ignores, I get sick of it and stay away and then I am the bad guy because I have not called her. If I talk to her she spends the entire time talking about her other kids and grandkids and ignores me. It has become so pointed. She is always waiting to blame me. Another difference, she does not always want the attention..sometimes she wants the narc sister to have it all...like she is living through her. Can another narc take on actions in honour of another?

 

I am at a pretty desperate crossroads right now and appreciate all opinions. If you want more of the picture...please see my other post (warning: it is long). I just have not been able to get any understanding except for what I may have found here.

 

Thank you!

[confusedmama]

I'm not confused here, just looking for suggestions. My ex is narcissistic and we have 3 children together. How can I keep them from some of these issues. They have court ordered visitation and overnights. My oldests behavior is escalating in a bad way because-I'm sure- that he can't deal with his fathers crap. I can't be there to help (not that I'm very good at dealing with it either) and he turns on me when I correct behaviors that stem from his father.

 

I am at my wits end.

[healthseeker]

Oh my, confusedmama...

 

I have been doing a ton of reading on NPD and a lot say if you have a parent with this...well, that's the worst ever!

 

But, having a kid manipulated by and N-ex...worse, maybe learning some of these characterisitcs...that is THE WORST ever!

 

My heart goes out to you. I would get all 3 of your kids (if you can) in with a therapist immediately! At least the oldest. That is your healthiest move and your fastest protection in a case where the courts let your ex see them regularly.

[confusedmama]

Thank you healthseeker. I do have them with a therapist-the oldest more than the others but I am scared. I KNOW what living with him did to me and I guess I'm going to have to read up on how to help my children cope with this.

 

That is one of my biggest fears, that they learn/copy his behaviors/characteristics. Unsure if my 14 year is doing that or simpy being 14. Wish I could have a counsellor live in my house for a couple of months to help.

[healthseeker]

how did you finally figure out tha your ex was a narcissist?

[confusedmama]

Started doing some reading on bi-polar, adult ADD and this just kinda fit in or was brought to the forefront in those readings. Then my therapist mentioned he had those tendencies, and then a friend of mine called me with more information. I just couldn't look the other way anymore.

[healthseeker]

WOW!

 

I am glad you got to the point where there was, at least, some understanding! I am so sorry for your recent stress. On another post we have both been on....you said something about how last week was esp. bad....hope this one is better!

 

I also think that maybe your eldest will come out of this...esp. if this is a recent thing! Notice how people tend to "take out" their stress on the people they trust the most? Hopefully that is what this is and not a long term deal!

[tleto]

hello, I am 31 year old girl who has a mom that doesnt care about me...at all.She has always made me feel like i am not goog enough,that i was just a waste of time.I am happily married living far far away from her now but, i have a 13 month old daughter that i NEVER want to feel this way. I also know that as much as i dont want to admit it, her actions still affect me and how i feel about myself still. how do i move past this for my sweet little girl? Any advise would be great.

[PawsHeal]

Ok, so up until about 2 hours ago I had never even know what a Narcissistic Mother was or that I had one, but I have been googling it tonight and I sincerely believe that my mom is one now... but a mild one. I do love my mother and know that she does have a lot of great qualities... BUT OMG I CAN'T STAND HER HALF THE TIME AND SHE DRIVES ME NUTS!!! I'm 24 and I am really thankful that I have grown up to be a pretty self reliant, independent person and never fell victim to peer pressure or anything like that, so I have been able to stand up to my mom, but only in small ways. My mom is notorious for giving me the silent treatment whenever I disagreed with her or got mad at her (cause ya know, its always MY fault that I got mad at her for something she did), but instead of letting it affect me I just treated it like a vacation and enjoyed the peace and quiet. lol! But anyway... I always felt that my mom and I had a strained relationship, so tonight I decided to search for results on "dealing with a bullying mother" because I felt that she has always been bullying/antagonistic towards me and always putting me on the defensive. I've been dealing with depression for almost 2 years now and medication has helped me, but now something big has happened in my life and she is making it really hard.

 

Almost two months ago I woke up and couldn't move so I had to call my mom to pick me up from my apartment and take me to the doctor where we discovered that I had 2 herniated discs in my lower back and one of the bulges was pinching my sciatic nerve. This happened on a thursday so she stayed home from work and took care of me till monday. By Monday I was somewhat able to take care of myself. Its 2 months later and I have had 2 epidurals and a lot of therapies and I am around 75% better, but my mom still insists on coming with me to my doctors appointments and is always bragging to her friends and co-workers about how she has to take care of me and do this and that for me. She takes it upon herself to do things for me, only so she can brag about how great of a mother she is or to use them as fuel against me in arguments. Yesterday though was the last straw. My doctors have prohibited me from walking up inclines because it aggravates my spine and pinches the nerve more. Yesterday we went somewhere that requires walking down a hill, and my mom parked at the top because we left the house 20 minutes late (for which I was, of course, the only person to blame) and she was convinced we would not find parking (and driving down to check would have been unspeakable). Well, when it was time to leave, she would not even consider the suggestion that she walk up the hill and brig the car down to pick me up... so I HAD TO HIKE UP THE DAMN HILL!! By the time I got to the top I was in so much pain that my eyes were tearing up and I had to pop a pain killer. My grandma was with me and she wouldn't even tell my mom to get the car even after I asked her to ask for me! My best friend was also with me and all she could do was cast a sympathetic look and ask discretely if I was okay.

 

So basically... it is now at the point where my health is now at risk because of her. My grandma and grandpa will not stand up to her and they always back down to her in order to keep the peace. I can only stand up to her so many times before its not worth it anymore. I lived on my own for a little over a year and LOVED IT! I miss it so much and find myself crying a lot these days because I miss my freedom and I literally cannot escape because I am disabled now. I can't move out again because my savings are dwindling and my disability has not kicked in yet and I cannot go back to work yet. I cannot get away from her and I cannot stand it anymore! All I think about is running away just to get away from her. I feel like a prisoner in my own home. She belittles everything I do and even though I can barely walk or bend down, she still asks me to things for her!! I am her slave still even though I may face surgery in a few months and the word "paralysis" has been thrown around by a few doctors. I am scared more of my own mother than my medical situation right now!!!! I am feeling completely helpless and I honestly do not know what to do!!

 

And get this.... last year I organized a convention all by myself that was incredibly successful. My mom didn't life a finger to help, but she did attend for an hour and in that hour a ton of people told her how great I was, how much I had accomplished, how much I had done for the community, etc. So after she got an idea of how big a deal the convention really was and how much I really had accomplished, now this year she is trying to take it over. She is researching locations for me ("trying to help") and telling me she will work the ticket booth for me to prevent anyone from sneaking in. Then I was on a deadline to get the contract in to secure the convention location, and she decided she wanted a friend of hers to look at the contract. I kept bugging her to have her friend contact me after she told me the friend had some issues with it, but the friend never called and she never gave me the friends number, so I began to question whether this friend really existed and I told her to fax it anyway. Then she tells me that now she has issues with the contract after reading it, so then she calls the location coordinator, telling them she is my mom and demands explanations for the issues she has with it. Well long story short, we lost the location and suddenly my mom is calling around and looking online for a new location. * * * !!!! By butting in she lost the location I had picked because it wasn't good enough in her eyes and only HER locations will do. And she just had to embarrass me in front of the location coordinator by telling them she was my mom. Like I'm not adult enough and had to have my mom fight my battles (she does this a lot). Well, screw that, my partner and I straightened things out with our original location and signed the contract, HA take that mom.

 

And get this... I bought a car this year... my grandma gave me a loan to put the money down and I am making the monthly payments. My mom has no financial responsibility whatsoever with this car, but she insited in being on the contract with me!! After the purchase was made, I started to ask myself why she needed to be on the contract at all? It didn't make sense. Well, now I'm stuck with it because no one at the dealership will tell me how on earth to get her off the contract. UGH!!! She has to but in on everything!!

 

*sigh*

 

Then there is that personal boundary thing. She is always asking me if I am still a virgin, but says it in such a way that only a yes answer is the only answer that exists.. "you are still a virgin RIGHT?" Granted, I still am, but for my own reasons. But she takes it as "oh I'm such a great mother for raising a daughter that is still a virgin, yay me!" She doesn't realize that I'm still a virgin because I can't seem to meet a guy that will turn into a boyfriend that will turn into a loving relationship that I will feel comfortable loosing my virginity to. It goes along with that whole, "I never got the guide to dating that everyone else seems to have gotten" thing I read about on a few sites. I always look around and see all kinds of women with boyfriends... unattractive women, unsuccessful women, trashy women, abnoxious women, women with bad hygiene, uneducated women, hell even 12 year olds! But never me, so I ask myself, what is wrong with me that all these women and girls can get boyfriends but I can't? My mom didn't raise a responsible blushing innocent virgin, she raised a daughter with relationship issues that can't even get a date or keep a man. Greaaaaat.

 

*sigh again*

 

wow, didn't mean to rant or write a novel... I guess it is just nice to find an outlet where other people will understand what I am feeling. *sigh of relief*

[Nikki228]

I cannot believe someone else has the same mother I do. My husband and I have tried to help her repeatedly. From selling our house 15 years ago when my step father died and buying a house that had an apt for her to live in then she didn't help with the mortgage & utilities like she said she'd do and we couldn't afford to keep it after we lost our jobs to the company we worked for being sold to recently paying $1600 for her car to get fixed and she has only paid us back $200 so far. Anyway, the car is a 1998 and something else went wrong with it so now she says it was a conspiracy by our mechanic of 13 years to sabotage her car so something else would go wrong with it. Our youngest daughter has a rare neurological chronic disease (she has never helped to take care of our children growing up...which is a good thing I'm sure) and I have an iron anemic problem and get monthly infusions. Today I had my infusion our daughter is having a flare - but she calls and is screaming at my husband about her car. When she said it cost her $1600 for it I told her it didn't cost her that much because she's only paid $200 so far and she said "I knew you'd throw that up in my face"...and started yelling that much more. When I didn't reply she said "What did you hang up on my again - you're good at that"...I told her I was going to go because my head hurt from my infusion today and I wasn't fighting with her again. Why do they have to be like this???? I have no siblings which make it that much more difficult for the guilt, but I cannot take it anymore. After almost 50 years I have had my fill and God help me but I wish it was my stepfather that had lived and not her. That sounds so awful...but she is getting worse as she gets older. Our oldest daughter is in college (on scholarships...a great kid) and my mom calls and complains that she only calls her once a week and is so self centered. That was the last time (2 weeks ago) we got into a big fight. I will not have her treating my kids like she treated me...I won't allow it. Thanks for listening to me vent *sigh*

[kookybird]

Healthseeker, I share your pain in having a mother and a sister, both of whom are narcissistic. It's hard to say who is worse although I know my mother, along with my father, is the root of my sister's narcissm. What is clear though is how manipulative, dishonest, and stuck they both are. I have tried to be compassionate only to be hurt, "guilty," and confused, time and time again. My problem until now is that I could not see how selfish and aggressive they are because I tried to look beneath their behavior at their woundedness and take care of them. After a horrendously stressful visit at Christmas from my mother, I am finally ready to feel the pain of admitting that she cannot love me.

 

Having both sister and mother be narcissistic, is confusing. I always thought my sister was stirring the pot and turning my mom against me and I couldn't fathom why my mom would believe her lies. Now I wonder if my mom likes that pattern as she can upset me that way (by running to me to tell me what my sister has said). I've set boundaries with both of them, saying that I will not talk about other people when they are not present. I need to take more drastic action. I am considering limited contact now (they do not live near me). I don't know what you've chosen to do, but I myself am hesitant to cut them off altogether because I feel that I learn about myself from them. So much of my past is a blur--all the confusion, lies, denial, and manipulation led me to numb out and distract myself. Now I see their behaviour as a window into why I am the way I am. But...I absolutely need to protect myself against their sneaky, sometimes subtle, abuse. I am also going to try EFT tapping and hope that it will help me heal. I hope all is going well for you.