Volkslad Posted March 8, 2008 Share Posted March 8, 2008 I have been friends with a girl I work with for years, over the past summer we dated, nothing heavy, but we both realized that we have great chemistry and great "relations" on top of our solid friendship. While she wanted to be a couple right away, I wanted to wait as I had just got out of a 3 year relationship, and didn't want to mess things up by moving too fast. While she said nothing at the time, I have since learned this made her quite upset. I do love her, but waited too long, and she started seeing someone else. I have told her how I feel and that I would like a second chance. She has never said never, in fact she knows we are a better match and says she has agonized over the situation, but that she isn't ready to dump the new guy just to give me another shot..as it could end in her being upset again. She always said she wants to maintain our great friendship though. I did a month of begging, but at the end it was more me begging her to tell me there wouldn't be a second chance..as it would help me move on. She kept saying, I can say that to you, but it isn't true. After a month I was going batty, so went NC and decided to move on. She still dropped by my desk everyday, and seeing her killed my heart. Then my "friend" saw me out for dinner with my ex (we're not dating, it was just dinner). Well didn't my "friend" change her tune a little bit. Started dropping by my desk twice a day, and we would go out once or twice a week after work and it seemed like we were on the verge of reconciliation..but she would never commit to the reconciliation. Made me crazy..and I started to be a little bit beggy again..for her, and also trying to get her to tell me to give up..or make her ask for some space..nothing. So after a month of this I again went NC. The visits to my desk still hurt me. She felt I was getting distant, and I tried to let her know we could still be friends. She cried when I told her that "if nothing else we would always be "friends", but I did have to move on". While she was crying I said, "say yes to me or no to me, but you can no longer do neither as you're making me crazy"..she said I made her heart sad and she took off in tears. I thought this would make her finally stop contacting me..and for one weekend and one work day it did. But then she stopped by the next day to have a chat as if nothing had happened. I was in shock for most of it so was distant, but as she was getting ready to go I said, I'm sorry about pestering you the last two months, but it would be best for both of us if we had some space right now..and she took off. It has been a week and there has indeed been no contact. I know it was the right thing to do as I was going crazy...but I did not have a chance to tell her I will always be there for her, but that I needed some space now..and do it in a kind way. Not sure if I even have a question...I could ask, as it is always on my mind: will she come back to me, or does she miss me.....but I just miss what could have been. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CatsMeeoow Posted March 8, 2008 Share Posted March 8, 2008 That's a very sweet story and I'm sorry that you've realized a bit too late what you had when you had it. However, you sound extrememly mature with a good head on your shoulders and you are taking the right steps here. I don't know what will happen with the two of you but if she is ever to realize that she's going to lose you for good if she is not careful then you must follow through with this. Good Luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anggrace Posted March 8, 2008 Share Posted March 8, 2008 Its' sounds to me like you did the right thing. There was nothing wrong with wanting to take things slow with her. Some people just can't do that. They want it all, now. Maybe in the end, she will respect you for what you did. At the very least, I hope she'd understand it. I certainly can. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ladyspirit Posted March 9, 2008 Share Posted March 9, 2008 Why would you have messed things up by "moving too fast"? Why would it have been too fast? It's funny, 5 months ago a guy I started to see asked that of me, and he'd broken up just 3 months ago with his gf of 3 years. At first I understood, but I guess emotionnally I didn't. It's very sour between us right now because he kept asking me for space and I kept doing the "yes ok", and then contacting him anyway. I found it too hard to be in the "waiting game". I guess I am all or nothing. Maybe that girl is too. Yes, it sounds mature to wait, but it's not automatically immature to go ahead. I guess I wonder if you were scared on some level and this is why you hesitated. She may have taken that as rejection, and as you being unsure you want to be with her. This is how I took it on some level, and the fact that the guy I was seeing didn't appreciate my wanting to keep in touch has led me to think more was going on here than just needing space for our sake, and that we were'nt meant to be if this is what "broke" the possibility of us being together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Volkslad Posted March 9, 2008 Author Share Posted March 9, 2008 Catsmeeow, perfect first response. Thank you. I of course feel a little stupid right now for playing along with her "I can't decide" game for two months..but in a couple years I will feel better for knowing I did all I could, and said all that could be said, instead of just letting it go. I really cannot think of one more argument I could have made. If nothing else, I got to say my piece..but if she couldn't decide, I had to let her go. Anggrace, I obviously agree. When you break up, a rebound girl is always an attractive option...but when you love the girl you start seeing soon after a breakup.....you want to make sure you are in a place where you won't hurt her. ladyspirit, it would have been too fast because my ex was very special to me and I did miss her..and while I was in love with my friend, I did not want to get into something where she might get hurt. Never did I say I needed space or wasn't sure while we were "dating"...I just didn't think it was a good idea to be a 5-7 day couple 1, or even 5, months after my break-up. I had to wait until I was ready to be in another long-term relationship. Does it suck that I didn't move faster? Sure. But does it suck more that my friend moved on just assuming I wasn't really interested? You bet. Are we both in a way worst position now than we would be if she had come to me and said she thought I wasn't interested? Absolutely, because I would have told her how I felt about her and wouldn't have let her go. Silence while in love, in an attempt to protect your dignity, is a stupid idea. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Volkslad Posted March 9, 2008 Author Share Posted March 9, 2008 If someone you say you saw yourself spending the rest of your life came to you and said they wanted the same thing..and you couldn't tell that person no, go away...why wouldn't you leave a new 3 month relationship to be with that person? Wouldn't not being able to say no be a pretty big clue that you find the offer pretty attractive, and should make the tough decision? Is it merely a fear of getting hurt? or could it be something else? We are both 35, so it's go time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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