Dissapointed in my insecurities...

[candice378]

I pride myself in being strong, independent and secure. So when my boyfriend of a year leaves to his home town on the other side of the country for a bit over a week I am really disappointed in myself to find me entertaining insecure thoughts. (Also we don't hang out every day or anything....in fact we usually go several days without hanging out because we both like maintaining separate lives within our relationship so its not the time apart thats the issue) I find myself thinking thoughts of him cheating or realizing he doesn't want to do this anymore. I'm fine with being single...as in not terrified of him leaving because what happens happens. I'm not going to live my life scared of the unknown But I hate that i have these insecurities and don't know what to do about them or how to shake them.

 

He cheated on his last girlfriend a year in. Got to drunk and doesn't remember it. The only reason she found out was because he went to a very small college. My ex boyfriend (only other long term) cheated on me with my best friend. Not just sex though...he fell in love with her. So there is my attempt to justify my insecurities and fears but I still just feel weird. My boyfriend now is a really good guy and grossly in love with me....should I just tell myself to shut up? Just accept that these are leftover trust issues from my past relationship?

 

Any advice/experiences would help. I'm just really disappointed in myself...

[barbielovesmac]

as hard as it may be, try and shake these feelings.

 

it's not healthy to bring past insecurites/issues into a new relationship.

 

when i was with my ex years ago, he cheated on me countless times. we eventually parted ways. that experience made me a very insecure person and i carried that over to my new relationships. it wrecked those relationships. i just made a disaster out of them. you have to understand that your boyfriend now isn't your ex boyfriend. he deserves a shot and if you have NO reason to mistrust him then well there ya go.

 

i cheated on an ex before. but im totally crazy in love with my fiance now, and wouldn't even THINK about cheating on him. so that's proof that just because he cheated on a gf before, doesn't mean he's going to cheat on you. people make mistakes.

 

although i'd say your feelings are 'normal' doesn't make them healthy. it's not healthy to worry all the time.

 

try your best to shake this. smack your wrist when you start getting stupid, lol.

[outre]

My boyfriend now is a really good guy and grossly in love with me....should I just tell myself to shut up? Just accept that these are leftover trust issues from my past relationship?

 

It is nearly impossible to let go of all issues that may have manifested in previous relationships. We are products of our history and experience; we all grow out of our childhoods and relationships are somewhat similar as experiences that result during intimate relationships leave lasting impressions. Heartache is not quickly forgotten and many of us do not take the time to work thru the issues before jumping into another relationship. However, that being said, it is important to try to separate previous situations from the present. After all, your new boyfriend is not your old boyfriend and you are not the same girl he may have cheated on while drunk. Your relationship together (the TWO of YOU) is a living, breathing, completely unique experience.

 

This isn't to say that one should forget past experiences and ignore the signs of trouble, only that if trouble is absent it may be that it doesn't exist. Trust your gut and believe what you see and feel until there is a reason to do otherwise.

 

Any advice/experiences would help. I'm just really disappointed in myself...

 

The disappointment sentiment is an unfortunate side effect of modern society. disappointment should be attached to something tangible and associating it with how you feel is a losing battle -- you feel how you feel and you're dealing with it -- that's ok and healthy. Don't feel bad about how you feel, simply dive into it (as you are) and try to identify the source. In the end you may find your insecurity is unfounded and just let it go, but try not to punish yourself for feeling something; just make sure you keep searching for answers... One common reason for such feelings is not mistrust of your partner, but some doubt in yourself.