rikka Posted February 26, 2008 Share Posted February 26, 2008 ^^^^^ RayKay, I just was watching the same episode while reading this thread, I thought it was fitting! Just goes to show how much can be fabricated in the "safe" confines of cyberspace. Bebe, I don't think this guy is necessarily a predator, but I do think he isn't everything he says he is. Like the others who have posted advice, I agree that things aren't adding up. (My personal shock is that he "let you" call him by the wrong name for a few months.... wow!) I can tell you a story from the other end. A few years back, I had a friend who was bored and in a chat room and created an alternate persona. Her alter ego "jenni" ended up in a 2 year "relationship" with a guy she met in the chat room. She fabricated EVERYTHING from what she looked like, to specific details of her life, to a family history. She even went as far as to create family members with emails and IM's so she could validate and verify the things she was telling him. Meanwhile, she was actually living her normal life, going to school, dating other people. She just led this fantasy life online with mike and he believed it. There was nothing overly elaborate in her tales, everything was believable. I couldn't believe what she told me about it. She claims her intent was never malicious, she was just bored and then got in too far and felt obligated to carry on. So, she wasn't a predator so to speak, she just wasn't who she said she was. When she was confessing all of this, I asked her many of the questions people here are asking you... she said she could always come up with various excuses to all of his questions. She used many of the same tactics that your friend is using - blurry photos, compatibility issues, illnesses and holidays. Quite frankly, it sickens me to think of what she did to this guy. But the point is, it happens. People get caught up in a "small lie" and it grows out of control. I echo the sentiments of previous posters in that I think you NEED to be aggressive in pursuing some of the truth out of him. You have every right to insist upon seeing current images of him - and if he cannot/will not provide those, walk away. Ask for proof of little things, asking him for his address so you can send him a package or a card is totally reasonable. If he cannot/will not give that (after a year of being in a "relationship"), you have reason to question. Do not take everything he tells you at face value, he hasn't given you reason to have blind faith in him. Most importantly, do not let your heart blind you. Safety for yourself is so important, if things don't completely add up.... listen to your head (and the wisdom of those around you). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
metrogirl Posted February 26, 2008 Share Posted February 26, 2008 RayKay, it's funny you mentioned Dr. Phil because last week I watched an episode where this guy and girl meet online, have this online thing going on, he tells her that he is a doctor, I forgot what medical school he claims to have graduated from, he said that he owned a 10 million dollar home in Florida, dated strippers and various beautiful women blah blah. Well she tells him that she is a marine biologist and a former phone sex operator. The whole thing started with lies. Anyway, they hook up, she confesses that she isn't a marine biologist, he's furious. They get hitched, have kids together, he is still claiming to be a doctor and rich yet, they were living out of her car. On their way to Florida, he remembers that he forgot the key to his 10 million dollar mansion so they sleep in a motel. HUH? Says his father is dead, he is dying of pancreatic cancer, says she molests her son, says he saw her do it. Lie dectector proves that he isn't dying of anything, his father is still very much alive (Phil spoke to his mom), he never went to medical school and it showed him to be very much the sociopath that he is. I really think that he lives so deeply in this fantasy that he can't separate truth from lies..... A lot of sick people online..... So easy to hoodwink young girls these days. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maya_A Posted February 26, 2008 Share Posted February 26, 2008 Excellent message RayKay! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lila... Posted February 26, 2008 Author Share Posted February 26, 2008 Hi everyone =) You know, now that we're in the topic of online stories gone bad, I know one myself. An older friend of mine met this girl online and he was instantly mesmerized by her. At first they would only chat as friends because she needed advice with some problems she was going through. Then the inevitable happened...they fell in love. She was MUCH younger than him, only 17, and he was I believe 39 at the time (but single...he was divorced but no kids, and lived by himself). He never lied about his age, he was always sincere and honest about himself. Well this girl was very pretty, young, and VERY mature for her age. Everything seemed perfect, they would chat with webcams, they showed and sent each other pictures, they talked on the phone. There was nothing to indicate she was lying or hiding anything. He grew to trust her, and over time he gave her his home address, phone number, work and cell number, every piece of information. To make the long story short...it turns out this 'girl' was a 40 year-old woman, married but with a lot of problems at home, and she had teenage kids. Whenever my friend would chat with her by webcam, she would actually put her 17 year-old daughter in front of the computer screen while she was typing. That wasn't the worst part... when he found all this out and wanted to cut contact with her, she became all crazy and obssesed, she would call his family and his work colleagues nonstop and invented lies about him, she threatened him, she called him nonstop, and just made his life into pieces. He almost lost his job, and well...went through a horrible time. It went so far and got so ugly that it almost went to court. It took time, but eventually everything became fixed and he got over it. It is very true that there are messed up people out there who are very able and clever in making up lies and stories and being so good in them that nobody has reason to suspect anything. That's why I will take some precautions before I meet this man. I love him, and I have no reason to suspect anything bad of him, but sometimes when I'm upset with him (like now) I begin to think about things...and everything you guys have told me pops up in my mind. Tonight or tomorrow night when we chat, I'm going to tell him if he can give me his address so that I can send him something. Or I'll tell him that I already told my mom about him and she wants to know if he can send me some official government document like his passport or driver's licence to verify his identity for my safety. I'll see how he reacts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyAsALark Posted February 26, 2008 Share Posted February 26, 2008 The internet is so funny, yet sooo dangerous. I guess if you want to be someone you aren't, pay a monthly service fee and you can do it on the internet! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JamesSweetypie117 Posted February 26, 2008 Share Posted February 26, 2008 I see that mostly everyone who has responded to this thinks that this man is a liar, and he is not who he says he is. This, of course, did cross my mind as well, but I don't think I can assume this is true because I have never talked to this man, as you have. So if you really do think that he is being self-conscious, then I would just tell him how you honestly feel, and tell him how much it would mean to you if he turned on the webcam. If, after truly expressing and explaining your feelings honestly (rather than just simply saying 'can you turn on your webcam'), and he still does not turn on the webcam, I would consider cutting off the relationship. Because, well, then perhaps he is not who he says he is, and if he is who he says he is...he is not fully commited to you, and is not as committed to the relationship as you seem to be....and you would just be setting yourself up for more heartbreak later on if you continued the relationship. Coming from a girl whos been in a long-distance relationship for years, and has quite a bit experience with webcams, I know it can be quite awkward and nerveracking turning it on for the first time...especially if you're self-conscious. But if he still does not turn on the webcam after you've told him how you've truly felt...then I would say that it is not worth continuing the relationship. And besides...phsycial attraction does matter. You can know almost everything about a person, but you can't truly love them until you know what they are like in person..which includes phsyical attraction. Also, I wouldn't recommend meeting this man until you have seen him on webcam, and you exactly sure who he is. Doesn't seem safe to me...physically and emotionally. I'm sorry that was such a long rant. I'm done now, haha. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleadragonhawk Posted February 26, 2008 Share Posted February 26, 2008 Those sound like great things to do. Does he have your address already? If not, make sure that when/if he sends something to you it goes to a PO box, and don't be too surprised if he asks the same - just as I wouldn't give someone I met in a bar my home address, I wouldn't give it to someone I met over the internet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maya_A Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 Tonight or tomorrow night when we chat, I'm going to tell him if he can give me his address so that I can send him something. Or I'll tell him that I already told my mom about him and she wants to know if he can send me some official government document like his passport or driver's licence to verify his identity for my safety. I'll see how he reacts. ^^^ Great Bebe You'll learn more about him from his reaction if you do that. Let us know how the whole thing went when you have a moment... Take care Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myluv Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 I would sort of view this as a red flag! Iam involved in an oline R myself.. have been for the past 6 month's.. My guy had a picture of me from the start.. I requested one from him and he sent it along..it was just a normal looking picture.. nothing suggestive.. this helped me to put so much trust in him.I would come out and ask for a picture.. and if he's not willing I would be very leary. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Portage Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 Okay i've been following this thread from the get-go. If BeBe doesn't get a pic sOOOONN i'm going to call him and get one myself. I can't handle the anticipation. If i can't, bebe, HOW CAN YOU?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
desert_rose26 Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 Hey Bebe, I have to say, it sounds like you are coming around now. I think it's great you are going to ask him in your next chat. I hope everything goes well. I agree that physical attraction is the most important...if you're not attracted to him, it can't be a romantic relationship. You need to know what his eye colour is, does he have curly, light or brown hair. His nose, his lips, his skin tone, does he have any moles, how his ears are shaped. The curves of his face...you get the point. I still can't believe you risked 1 year of talking to someone you might not even be attracted to. Like I said, hopefully he's not a killer, but he sounds really shady. But if he was a serious con man, he would have probably sent you really nice model looking photo of a "man" to represent himself long time ago. G'luck to you, and remember that men are not the most important thing in life - YOU are. Keep us posted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 I've met many men in person where the picture was accurate but in person there was no physical attraction - nothing to do with particular features - but eye contact, posture, presense, energy, vibes, the way he carried himself. A picture is good to screen out someone who is, I guess completely repulsive to you and good for people who have particular types for hair color, eye color, body type. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
diamond78 Posted March 1, 2008 Share Posted March 1, 2008 haven't seen bebe posting in a few days......i hope she is doing okay with her situation... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope75 Posted March 1, 2008 Share Posted March 1, 2008 At this point I really don't think she has anything else to say- she isn't pushing him for a picture and she doesn't believe he has something to hide, despite evidence to the contrary. I'm worried that she is letting pride get in the way of her common sense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Portage Posted March 1, 2008 Share Posted March 1, 2008 I personally think she is contemplating getting that pic before 2010 now. If nothing else, i think this thread has raised her curiosity meter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lila... Posted March 3, 2008 Author Share Posted March 3, 2008 Hi you guys!! Well I'm happy to say that I've come back with good news. No he still hasn't sent me nor shown me any picture nor bought a webcam. I haven't brought it up either since that day he told me he'll try to get one some weekend. Anywayyyyy... Like I said before, I asked him if he would give me his address so that I can send him something. He was totally OK with it. He said he could either give me the address where he works at or his parents' home. I was not expecting him to want to give me any of his addresses because of what you guys have told me...so I really don't have anything to send him. But he was totally fine with giving me his addresses. He said he would send it to my email so that I can have it there. That happened on Thursday, and today we were talking on msn and HE was the one who brought it up, he asked me if I decided on what address I wanted, his parents' or his work. I told him his parents' would be ok. See!! He's not a criminal/predator/ or anything of the sort. He did not act strange, hesitate, or refuse to give me any info. Now I only have to worry about WHAT I'm going to send him... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 No, that doesn't mean much at all. Interesting that he still refuses to show you a picture of himself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lila... Posted March 3, 2008 Author Share Posted March 3, 2008 It's true, but I haven't pushed him either. Yes I've brought it up a couple of times, but...I guess it's just an issue of insecurity, not because of anything else. I don't really care about the picture or camara anymore, I mean I would love to see him and know what he's like, but it's not very important anymore. There's still a while before I meet him so there's still plenty of time. Before I meet him I will insist he either send me pictures or show his webcam, but for now I guess it's not important. I could live with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CallingAllAngels Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 What? Why can't he give you HIS address?????? Who cares about his parents? He can make up any 2 people he wants. Work? Same thing. Bebe.. come on now...get his last name and HIS ADDRESS...WHERE DOES HE SLEEP AT NIGHT??? WHERE DOES HE GET HIS MAIL. GET THAT ADDRESS. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 It is important for safety purposes and if he is that insecure that he cannot show you a picture (highly unlikely) then that shows instability. He doesn't have to be a criminal or a predator to be unsafe for you. I am sorry to hear that you can be so convinced just based on his willingness to give you an address. I assume you will use the address to have a complete background check run, right? If I were you I would worry a lot about how he is evading your several requests for a picture. Someone who wants to meet you in person should want to show you a picture. I realize that you are making huge excuses for him because you've gotten attached through the typing or talking and our posts are a waste of time at this point. And why don't you yet have the address? Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CallingAllAngels Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 I realize that you are making huge excuses for him because you've gotten attached through the typing or talking and our posts are a waste of time at this point. Bebe... I will mirror back to you what Batya said above. It is very frustrating to keep pointing out all the logical dangers associated with you meeting this man, given all that you have stated in your thread. You have been given some fantastic advice, and yet, you have gotten so attached that I am very afraid you will meet him. ONCE AGAIN, I URGE YOU NOT TO MEET HIM. However, if you do... I STRONGLY urge you to meet him in a VERY PUBLIC place with SOMEONE with you, and DO NOT get in a car with him, no matter what he says. I feel that all our advice is falling on deaf ears, and, it is very frustrating. ~Allie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mythical_Suicide Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 Because he offers you an address it automatically makes him safe? Girl, I think you are completely blinded by this man. All I can say, since it's obvious you aren't going to listen to any advice given anyway is to be safe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Portage Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 Where is the pic???? I agree with the above, but how much longer does one have to wait for a pic someone could snap on their phone????????? Good GOD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lila... Posted March 3, 2008 Author Share Posted March 3, 2008 Ok thank you. No the posts haven't been a waste of time. Everyone has helped me a lot. I'm just saying this guy is not what you guys think, you are thinking to extremes. I think you've been watching too many of those online predator shows and that of course makes everyone who is not living the relationship immediately think badly of it, based on the limited number of details I've given you, details which are not bad at all. He can't give me HIS address because HE doesn't have a fixed address, he travels a lot and is currently living in a friend's home, in which he doesn't spend too much time in. He offered to give me both his work and home address. He was pretty excited about me sending him a gift. Anyway, I don't want to bother or annoy anyone that thinks I'm just making up excuses for him and that I'm not thinking clearly because I'm blindly in love, so I'm just going to continue on with him and take care of my own problems myself. Thanks to everyone who worried and cared and gave me advice. I know and I can feel that he is a true, sincere man and there is no doubt in my mind that he is who he says he is, and the picture/webcam issue is not a major deal, it's just him not being very comfortable with pictures. But thank you anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 wow, this man is so full of excuses!!!! who cares if he is living at his friend's house, why can't he just give you an address? and why the heck would he be living with his friends, surely his company pays him more than enough to get his own apartment. honestly, i think you are acting foolishly. did you ever even call his work to see if he even works there? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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