Help - I'm weakening... how to avoid the "friends&quot

[The Morrigan]

link removed

 

That's the previous thread on this topic. Most recent update - I was on the phone, and he started messaging my away on AIM. Now, to put this in persepctive, my away message was a very typical one for me, saying I was getting dinner and reading, leave a message and I'd reply when I could.

 

I got like, 9 messages within 1/2 hour. To give his side of it, I wasn't idle, my daughter was checking her email. He knows my kids sometimes get to use my computer. However, his messages were on the lines of "hello?" "are you there?" "I'm getting worried, are you there?" "Hello?" etc. Since I couldn't respond at the time, I got VERY irritated, since I'd given him NO reason to worry, and had just talked to him earlier on. It was right after dinner time, when he KNOWS I'm busy, too. So when I did get off the phone, I yelled, and blocked him.

 

Now, I figured, common sense, he'd email me in a day or so and apologize. Nope, by the next night he's CALLING my house. I've told him I didn't want to talk to him on the phone whenever he's brought it up, so this just made me angrier, since it was completely disrespecting what I'd asked, to me, and it's not like there weren't at least a couple other options (email and PM) he could've tried that would have been within the boundaries I'd set. Anyways, he tried to call again the next night, and again the following morning. I either didn't answer or hung up every time.

 

A mutual friend offered to try to talk to him, and at my wit's end, I agreed and told her to go for it. So she talked to him, showed me what he was saying, and basically much of it, he was trying to shift the blame to me, that he HAD to because I had had him blocked for 3 days. She did get enough accross that he stopped calling and emailed.

 

His email had some, though little, apology for his actions, and then proceeded to blast me for involving a third party, basically he accused me of "dragging her into it" and "putting her on the spot." Now, had she not offered, I'd never have asked anyone else to intervene. Basically it was VERY condescending, "I'm very disappointed in you and your integrity" etc. Needless to say, I was even MORE angry.

 

Then I get another email, slightly toned down. I ignored them.

 

Now I get a PM, basically saying "I understand if you're not ready to talk to me yet, but I really do value you as my friend, so let me know when you're ready to talk, I'll be here."

 

And here's where I am now, with guilt setting in.

 

In his defense, I have to say he HAS been a good friend in many ways. I just can't handle the "obsessive crush" part anymore, worrying about everything I say about our mutual friends, especially my best friend, and how it will be taken. Being in the position of defending the level of intimacy I allow with my other friends emotion-wise and being open-wise (not in a sexual way). And having him dependent on talking to me every day, feeling guilty I don't regard him in the same way he regards me.

 

So, do I give him a chance to prove he can be "just friends," or keep the no contact rule in effect? I'm torn, I hate to just ditch a friendship, but I don't want to deal with feeling like I'm allowing him to stay dependent either.

 

Any suggestions would help!

[osewa77]

Hi,

 

Blocking someone is not the mature thing to do when trying to resolve a conflict. He probably was not sure that you were not reading his messages (most IM blocing is silent).

 

You do not get a guy to apologize to you by driving him mad. and not telling him what he did wrong in a calm way. He is different.

 

Regards,

me.

[Cleo983]

Since I am the "friend that offered to talk to him" let me just clarify one point. I offered to talk to him because I had JUST gone through the same conversation with him with regards to his behavior with me. I am not nearly as nice as The Morrigan and as such I don't tolerate a whole lot. She knows my opinion of him - I think he is pushy and his actions border on stalking. He is trying to make her feel bad for involving me, but I offered to mediate in a way - since he only hears what he wants to hear. I had hoped that if it came from someone else he wouldn't dismiss it as easily.

 

Sorry Morrigan.... just wanted to point that out....

[Osiris]

Greetings Morigan,

 

All I can say I agree with avman view in a previous thread.

 

You have to be strong. It`s not easy yet that`s what you have to do, imho.

 

 

All the best,

 

Osiris.

[The Morrigan]

Osewa77 - I have to ask, did you read the previous thread? This is a topic I've discussed (amongst other issues) with this guy many times, and as Cleo (thanks, btw) can tell you, his reaction was that I could've answered, even when I had said if I don't answer, it's because I can't, not that I'm deliberately ignoring him.

 

I'm not saying blocking was the mature thing to do, I know it wasn't... but this is something I've been dealing with for months, and I finally lost my temper.

 

Everyone else leaves a brief message, like "get back with me when you can," and instead he floods me with IMs as if I'm just electing not to answer, pressures me to call after I've said I'm not comfortable with it, and presses me on if he'll "ever have a chance with me" even when I've said no, I value him as a friend, but my feelings concerning him aren't romantic, and I've been very clear about that.

 

That's the part I dread if I open up communications again. The pressure gets stressful, and it's not a good feeling to have to turn a friend down repeatedly. Like I said though... I hate losing the friendship, it just really bothers me that he can't seem to see what I say, and respect the boundaries I draw.

[osewa77]

I think subconsciously I almost deliberately refused to read the previous thread because I have too many situation where a gir cuts contact or behaves funny in other ways just because she is upset and refuses to mention why. I think there is a part of me that is unwilling to discover that some situations may arise where a girl would be justified in putting on the sort of behaviour I have suffered from often enough.

 

I also think the guy's making an issue about bringing in a third party smells of a manipulative tendency. I suppose in 30 minutes to 24 hours I will be ready to read the previous post.

 

Regards,

me.

[The Morrigan]

I can understand that completely - I've seen what you're talking about and I don't condone it as an "easy way out" instead of trying to work things out. And I appreciate you being willing to look at it later, and see what you think then - it's a unique situation to me as well, which is why I've been struggling with this one. Thanks!

[Cleo983]

Just one more side note.... Giving this guy the benefit of the doubt (must to my chagrin) - I did personally ignore him earlier that week. I was on AIM without an away message and not idle (I was chatting to some other friends). He IM'ed me and I chose to ignore him - he knew I was ignoring him because I later told him that I was. It is possible that he thought Morrigan was ignoring him too, since I did. BUT, in defense, this guy is seriously CLINGY!! I am quite happily married (and he knows it), yet it hasn't stopped him from coming on to me either. I have quite clearly told him that I don't appreciate his come-ons, and that they make me uncomfortable, yet he still persists. I don't have any second thoughts about blocking him or completely ignoring him, but I know that The Morrigan is a softy...