My NC Diary

[lonely83]

Hi Everyone,

 

I've had tremendous response to my other thread and as a result I've decided that I'm going to start a dairy chronicling my feelings thoughts and temptations as I attempt NC with my ex.

 

The situation was we broke up in Oct '07, the sole reason was her fears of commitment and seriousness of a year and a half together. We remained friends and over Christmas she started texting and ringing me more and more about how she was missing me, no longer scared of commitment and wanted to get back together. Skip forward to early-mid Jan '08 and we met up, she stayed at mine and we talked about dating and taking things slow. Few days later we had lunch and that was the last time I saw her - we spoke on the phone a few days after and she said she things weren't the same and wouldn't work basically. She also said she'd been on a few dates with another guy. (This was two weeks ago)

 

The first two weeks of NC were so hard - I guess I had the same feelings everyone has, fear she'll forget me and move closer to this guy she was dating, the feeling of worthlessness and loneliness. I couldn't help thinking that suddenly meaning nothing to her made me look at our entire relationship as a farce. The other thought beside the desire to contact her I was experiencing was that her life seemed so much better than mine - she was out enjoying herself with her friends, dating someone new so quickly it left me hurt that I was grieving and she didn't appear to be.

 

I'm ashamed to say NC was broken on two occasions in this two week period. The first time we happened to be in the same nightclub VIP area and walked in to each other, we said 'hi' and had a kiss on the cheek then that was it. The second time, and more major occasion was today. We spoke for over an hour on MSN - discussing friends, family, what we'd been up to since that phone call, she said it was to soon to be friends and it appeared I wasn't ready. It felt amazing to be able to talk to her and everything seemed so normal, until the end when she said about being to soon to be friends.

 

I'm going back to NC, leaving things in her hands and in some ways those of mutual friends that she discuss things with.

 

I'm unsure where to treat tomorrow as a new phase of NC and as day 1 or to continue as it were about day 15-16.

 

I hope you can help provide me with support to regain my self-esteem and confidence and through this difficult time.

 

lonely83

[lonely83]

Have just woken up an hour ago, feeling slightly better about things today, had over 8hrs sleep for the first time in over three weeks since everything began with my ex. Although still feel mentally and physically tired.

 

My mind has wandered once or twice to my ex already today, the fact I'm waking up each morning alone when she might well be waking up next to the new guy she is now dating is something I still find hard to come to terms with. I am also nervous about the fact that I might end up seeing her, (maybe with him), when I go out tonight as we often go to the same club on a monday. At the same time the thought of seeing her, even if we don't speak, still puts a smile on my face. Foolishly I'm still taking hope from the fact she still credit's herself as single on facebook etc.

 

I know she is meeting a mutual friend for lunch or coffee today - I can't help thinking that when they talk about things he might make her realise she still has feelings for me and needs to give us more of a chance - I get my hopes up to easily and I need to prepare myself for the worst.

 

I'm still finding it hard to keep myself positive that it is the right thing to do, (NC) - the fear of loosing her forever, friendship and all, is constantly at the back of my mind. Along with the fact that through NC she will think I no longer care about her and forget about me still upsets me.

 

lonely83

[lonely83]

NC Phase 2 - Day 1 - PM

 

Just got in from a night out, didn't drink - still don't feel I am in a position where I can be able to drink with out either going over board or ending up depressed about my ex and trying to contact her.

 

Generally felt a bit more happier today on the whole. This is not to say I haven't had periods when I have thought about my ex, the times we spent together and her with the new guy she's meant to be dating. Her facebook relationship status is still single - something that gives me hope although I expect that to change any day now.

 

Didn't end up seeing her in the club tonight - she nor her friends were out. Not really sure if I'm pleased about this or not. In some ways I think it's good in others bad. I'd have liked to have seen her, and for her to see me having fun flirting etc and hopefully get jealous. But with her not being out I can't help think the worst that she spent the night with this guy.

 

Her house mate was out, she's a shot girl. I made every attempt to be friendly, polite and relaxed around her with out mentioning my ex - enquiring how she was, what she was up to etc.

 

I'm still not hopeful that she will ever contact me again and I find that hurts - at times I question are entire relationship and can't help thinking it was my fault we broke up.

 

Off to bed now.

 

lonely83

[lonely83]

[uNC Phase 2 - Day 2 - AM][/u]

 

Morning all.

 

Have just woken up after another night of bad/restless sleep - only managed 5 hours last night and not feeling myself already.

 

Again woke up feeling down about my ex - I fear she is going to away for the weekend for Valentines Day with this new guy she is dating. The thought of this really upsets me - it appears clear to me that they are becoming more and more serious and that it is obviously no longer/never was a rebound as people keep trying to make me believe. Obviously this means there is no/little chance of her ever wanting to be with me again.

 

I'm still waiting for my friend to meet her and speak to her, the one I referred to meeting her yesterday for coffee - although I risk loosing him as I'm becoming so desperate for him to do so.

 

I hate how much control and influence she has over my life even though she is clearly not a part of it right now. Yesterday was much easier but today I fear is going to be much more of a struggle.

 

I feel so lonely and unloved again, I have no one in my life close to me now she has left and I can't help think I ever will again. The whole situation has changed me, made me more guarded against getting close to people, trusting them and letting them in.

 

lonely83

[lonely83]

NC Phase 2 - Day 2 - PM

 

Had a day of very mixed emotions today - high and low! Since my post this morning when I checked my facebook her status was about her being 'annoyed again and losing patience' I couldn't help but think this was aimed at me although I had done nothing to contact since our conversation on sunday. All I can think is that her flat mate must have twisted something I said when I saw her last night.

 

I had a message also from my mutual friend checking on how I was - he had some bad news regarding my ex and how she wasn't bothered about me anymore. For some reason I still can't help thinking she's hiding something from herself. I met him later in the day - we spent a few hours shopping and having coffee talking. He provided good advice and support and is going to talk to my ex in person tomorrow and make her consider her actions and talk to her about being friends. I've reluctantly accepted we won't get back together for the time being but hope we can now be friends. It seems a waste to through away such a good relationship away I just need her to realise this, and hopefully he'll make her.

 

He also talked of how he believed nothing more was happening with this other guy she was dating, while this cheered me up - I'm not sure if it is 100% true and will learn more tomorrow I guess.

 

Since returning home from the gym, (the best place to take my mind off everything), again after checking face book her status is about how she is excited for the next few days. I know that excitement doesn't involve me in any way as it used to and I found that upsetting. I also can't help thinking that I'm going to spend valentine's day alone again.

 

I'm off out again tonight, I'm not drinking still and hope that this will help take my mind off her. I still don't feel ready to be meeting anyone else yet.

 

lonely83

[lonely83]

NC Phase 2 - Day 3 - AM

 

Morning all, woke up again after very few hours sleep - I'd say about 5-6 hours. This is starting to worry me as I'm the kind of person who usually requires double this amount. I'm concerned that insufficient sleep might soon start to effect my masters studies etc.

 

In regards to my feelings relating to my ex, I again woke up missing having her lying next to me - I guess this will take some considerable time getting use to. I have also been really upset this morning as I washed some pj bottoms she bought me and I have managed to ruin them, I know that sounds sad but they were a meaningful present she bought me. It just seems to me that nothing in my life relating to her is going right - she won't/never wants to talk to me, she's dating someone else, she doesn't think about/miss me, and now I've ruined something of great sentimental value from our relationship. Life just seems like one great big conspiracy against me/us right now.

 

As for the actual NC it's self. Obviously it is still on going, I still find it hard. Everytime my phone beeps, or shows an email I only want it to be from her, (it never is). When I'm in town or around uni I'm always looking out for her, (where we live isn't a big city - it's inevitable we will bump in to each other sometime).

 

I still genuinely don't believe she will ever make an effort to contact me and I can't begin to explain how much that hurts - especially when while I still have loving feelings (and always will have) towards her I want to make the effort to be friends with her.

 

Despite everything I do have a slightly happier feeling about myself today, how long this will last and what will trigger it to change time will tell. I she is seeing a mutual friend today for coffee finally, I can't help foolish hoping and praying that he can talk sense into her regarding friendship - he was in the same position a year or so ago only he was the dumper like my ex. Hopefully he can use his own experiences and mistakes to prevent mine from doing the same. I can do nothing but hope, dream and pray for a second chance at friendship with her.

 

lonely83

 

p.s. feel free to offer any critique, support, advice etc of my actions and thoughts.

[lonely83]

NC Phase 2 - Day 3 - PM

 

So I haven't heard back from my friend about whether he meet up with my ex or not. Not sure what to make of this - no news is meant to be good news after all??

 

Feelings wise about my ex I've had a mixed day. There have been times where she's been constantly on my mind and I just wanted to reach out and contact her but will power ensured I didn't. At times I've also resigned myself to the fact that it's her loss and I'm better off with out her. I still don't know what I'd do if she did come running back to me, (which I sincerely doubt she ever will).

 

I learnt that my fears she was going away for the weekend with the new guy she is dating aren't true - while she is going away it's with her flat mate, although I'm still not entirely sure why they are going away. Knowing she wouldn't be spending tomorrow, valentines day, with him cheered me up no end, (selfish). Although I guess there is no reason why he won't do something before she goes or when she returns. At the bottom of my heart I hope she choses tomorrow to contact me but I know she won't. In the end I opted to not send her anything - I wonder if she was expecting me to and the shock of me not might make her come to her senses, although equally I guess the opposite is true.

 

I'm still not looking forward to tomorrow and wish I could sleep through the entire day. The thought of seeing happy couples everywhere is not overly appealing given my current situation.

 

Night all.

 

lonely83

[lonely83]

NC Phase 2 - Day 4 - AM

 

Another restless night of sleep - I remember dreaming of times with my ex which means I've woken up in a down beat mood. Already feel really lonely and depressed about everything today - probably worse than I've ever felt so far. I think given it's Valentines Day and I'm not able to contact my ex hurts me so deep.

 

I can't help preying that she'll realise today that she misses me but I know she won't. The fact she's going away for the weekend and everything I don't believe a second will pass by where she thinks of me. I know I'm going to be the opposite - not a second will pass by when I don't think of her.

 

I've no motivation to do anything today - although I know I have to do something to keep myself busy.

 

I just want to hear her voice, see her smile, feel her touch against my skin.

 

lonely83

[lonely83]

NC Phase 2 - Day 5 - AM

 

Sorry for not posting anything last night - I really didn't feel like doing anything and I also had to work. I found yesterday to be the worst day since we initially broke up back in Oct and after everything that has happened since. I think this was more down to it being valentines day than any other reason - seeing other happy couples all around me just made me think of and miss my ex even more. Knowing she wouldn't spend a second thinking of me as she'd be having to much fun with her other guy really upset me.

 

Her facebook status I believe was again aimed at me, to provoke me or get a reaction - although I have no way of knowing this for sure. It was about how she had the best night ever last night - I can't help think that it was with this other guy and it seemed to me as if she was saying all the times we spent together seem insignificant to her.

 

I am very proud that I managed to resist all temptation of contacting her yesterday - although my secret hopes of her texting me were unfounded - I guess I really do mean s*** to her now.

 

As for this morning I generally feel a lot better about things - I'm not sure why the sudden change in my mood has occurred. I'm not saying I still don't think about her or us when we were together but rather than be negative and get depressed I seem to be thinking more of the good times etc and it brings a smile to my face - I'm not sure if this is the best think to do or not?

 

I still pine to hear from or see her, but I'm still committed to ensuring it is her that contacts me first - not that I have high hopes of this ever happening.

 

lonely83

[lonely83]

NC Phase 2 - Day 6 - AM

 

Now up to 3 weeks of NC minus the conversation on MSN - can't decided if I'm feeling any better about the whole situation. I know for certain that I still miss her and am still in love with her and craving after her. I still can't help thinking that if she'd give us the chance to be friends hang out occasionally etc she would reasile what she has given up and how perfect we are for each other and she'd fall back in love with me again. (foolishly)

 

Yesterday and today rather than thinking negatively about her, and getting depressed about her dating this other guy I've tried to adopt a more positive approach. When ever I think of her I now try to remember the things we did together, the fun times we had, the trips etc - thinks that bring a smile to my face. I'm not sure if this is a wise thing to be doing or not but time will tell.

 

I still haven't heard anything from her and still don't really think I ever will if I'm honest.

 

Hearing about how the likes of EddieAdams and GameX are making progress with their respective ex's gives me hope that one day I'll be able to do the same with mine.

 

lonely83

 

p.s. on a more positive/different not - attempted to ask a girl out for drinks etc - she had a boyfriend though and declined - just typical of my luck!

[lonely83]

NC Phase 2 - Day 6 - PM

 

Hey,

 

Just got in from a night out with some people I work with - went to a few bars then a club, I'm still not drinking, (i feel it would make me to depressed about my ex and break NC), so I was driving. The night started off really well until got to the club. One of my ex's flat mates was in the club to but we had an a bit of a fall out about 2 weeks ago now, and him being out tonight made me really conscious of everyone I spoke to and everything i did - as if he was watching then going to report back to my ex. I also thinking the new guy she was dating was there as well, although I'm not sure, and I just feel he'll make up things that aren't true to paint me in a bad picture to my ex so she won't come back.

 

Other than that generally had an ok day - didn't do much besides go to the gym and use the jacuzzi, sauna etc afterwards. I'm not sure if NC is working or not, I guess it depends how you define working. Am I still in love with my ex? yes. Am I still missing her? yes. Has she made any effort to contact me? no.

 

I received some very supportive and constructive advice from another member today -

love is in the heart, what's in the mind will change someday, but what is in the heart will not. if you will always love her that is more important than what the mind is telling you today. - I guess this relates to the negative images I always have regarding her and the new guy she is dating and fearing the worst etc.

 

lonely83

[lonely83]

NC Phase 2 - Day 7 - AM

 

Morning - had again about 5-6 hours sleep, starting to get annoyed that I don't appear to be gettin my normal amounts of sleep - might consider sleeping tablets or seeing the doctor if things continue much longer. Sleep was very restless and I know I dreamt about my ex, but I can't really remember what - my current state of mind has me believe it was something negative regarding her and this new guy so thereforee feeling a bit down today.

 

Spent more time thinking about her than I'd have liked so far this morning. Still miss her and can't help thinking there must be something I can do to get her to give us another chance. Still have the fear the more she spends time with him the more sh'll fall for him.

 

She comes back from her weekend away tonight - now doubt she'll be spending it with him.

 

Still can't decided if I'm nervous or excited about the prospect of maybe seeing her tomorrow when out - I guess it will depend on the context in which I see her in. In some ways I want to make her jealous she's not with me but then at the same time I don't want her to think she made the right decision - I feel like I'm in a catch 22 situation.

 

lonely83

[lonely83]

NC Phase 2 - Day 7 - PM

 

Just a quick post this evening - another busy day and night out with friends, but still found myself thinking of her on occasions. I'm not sure if this is related to thoughts that I might see her out tonight and that this is then making me anxious or not?

 

Also considering stopping writing my diary and posting on this site in general - I'm beginning to question if both my diary of thoughts and reading/posting here are productive to my getting over her process? Although each posting and diary entry only takes a few moments to write they still force me to think about things that have happened, what could be and how I could change things etc.

 

Night all,

 

lonely83

[lonely83]

NC Phase 2 - Day 8 - AM

 

Morning all

 

Had another terrible nights sleep - really think I need to go to the doctors or something, I seem to be stressing myself out, worrying or anxiety about thoughts of my ex. I miss her so much.

 

It's now been over 4 weeks since the fated phone call. I thought by now things would have been getting easier and that I'd have started to move on and forget about her but things only seem to be getting worse. I really don't know how much longer I can go on like this - it's not as if I've spent the last four weeks sitting around doing nothing thinking of her either I've been keeping so busy yet I still just don't appear to be moving on.

 

I don't know what to do, I'm at the stage now where I know she'll never come back to me - it's been to long since we last saw each other there's no way she'll have any feelings for me any more she'll have moved on and I only wish I could too. Yet I still can't help thinking if she gave us that chance to meet up she would fall for me again that we could work things out yet it just feels like the world is conspiring against me.

 

I think for the first time I'm going to let her dictate whether I do something or not - I've mentioned previously about us always going to the same club on a monday and how normally knowing she'll be there wouldn't put me off going but tonight I think I actually might not go as I know she'll be there.

 

I know if I do go I have to be strong and show her what she's missing but I'm not sure I can do that - I'd just want to tell her what she means to me and end up begging her to give us another chance - it feels like I need to see her to convince her to change her mind - why can't I get over this girl?

 

lonely83

[lonely83]

NC Phase 2 - Day 8 - PM

 

So my mates eventually twisted me to go out to the club tonight - I'd originally planned to stay at mine after they left but in the end I ended up going with them, was driving so again not drinking. I've decided I'm not drinking until I'm completely at peace with what has happened.

 

Kinda of only saw her once all night which I can't decided if I'm happy or sad about. As I was walking through a part of the club I caught sight of her coming out of the toilets with her friend - I'm not sure if she saw me, but at the time I was chatting and laughing with my mates so that's good I feel. I won't lie I did spend some time looking out for her - not sure if this is because I wanted to see her or because I wanted to see her with him, that might sound slightly strange.

 

While in the club she did actually text me - it took a while to realise it was he because I deleted her number from my phone. She didn't actually say anything in the text it was just blank so I assume she mustn't of meant to send it but at least she still has my number in her phone. Either that or she sent it in the hope I'd text back or something - which I'm proud to say I didn't. I was half tempted to text back just saying 'yes?' but I stayed strong and resisted.

 

This might seem strange but to me it feels like I attracted a lot more attention from girls when I was in a relationship to when I wasn't. I mean I never cheated on my ex - but it always felt like when I was in a club girls were looking at me, now it doesn't feel like that any more. Can a girl tell when a guy is spoken for? And does this make him then attractive to them?

 

lonely83

[lonely83]

NC Phase 2 - Day 9 - AM

 

Ok so dreamt about her last night - can't remember what exactly but I know I did.

 

Have just broken NC with her again. We spoke for over 2 hours on MSN. To me it felt so right again. We started off talking normally - I enquired about her text last night, she said it was drunken accident. We talked all about what we'd been up to about uni and general things like that. We talked about last night, she was asking if I was out and saying she hadn't seen me - this is good surely?

 

She mentioned about me having spoken to some of her friends about us - a mistake I made when we broke up - and I apologized for that I said about how I didn't expect her to understand my reasoning behind it and how at the time it felt like my only option. I explained to her that not a moment went by when I didn't regret having done it and that I'd have to live by the consequences of my actions. I also asked her that I hoped she'd give me the chance to regain her trust as a friend.

 

We talked about when she thought she'd cheated on me - and I explained about how although we'd broken up I never stopped loving her and wanted for her to prove to me I could trust her again.

 

I asked her if she still had feelings or thought about me and she didn't say yes or no but she merely said that was why she didn't think we could be friends or if we ever could be. Is this good or bad? In response I told her that yes while I still cared about her and always would that I'd moved on and accepted we wouldn't ever get back together.

 

We talked about when she stayed her that night, that night she lay in my arms crying about her diet etc and I wanted to know her diet was ok - I've always worried about her eating as she's always had problems with it. I explained to her that it wasn't my business but how I felt other people might not notice it etc but I did still care about her and always would and things like this made me worry about her.

 

To be honest I'm not really sure how I feel right now about it all having spoken to her. While part of me is happy we spoke and would like to thing we are making progress in terms of being friends I can't help thinking that maybe I've put a question of doubt in her mind about having broken up with me. There again her statement that she wasn't sure if she ever could be friends with be still cuts deep.

 

I managed to avoid temptation of asking about her valentines day and what she did etc as well as enquiring about what was happening with this other guy.

 

lonely83

[lonely83]

NC Phase 2 - Day 9 - PM

 

Evening all!

 

Since my post this morning I've gone back in to NC with my ex so maybe I should title this 'NC Phase 3 - Day 1 -PM'.

 

I think in some ways my conversation on MSN with her this morning has been really good for me. I know it sounds strange but it gave me the chance to get things off my chest regarding the mistakes I made talking to her friends. I don't expect her to understand why I spoke to them - for those that want to know it was because I felt my ex left things so open and talking to them gave me more closure about what she was thinking etc. I didn't initiate contact with them in every case some of them asked me how I was and was I meant to lie?

 

I really feel like I might actually be starting to move on - I know some people think my conversation with her shows me as being needy but I really tried to make her see that I was actually over her. I was careful when saying I cared for her but wasn't in love with her etc.

 

For the first time it's felt like I'm the one that's kinda in control - I proposed the friendship and she went on to say she wasn't ready. To me this still gives me hope that she cares about me in some form and maybe hasn't moved on as she thought - is NC working perhaps?

 

I know in truth she still dictates what ever our relationship is to be i.e. friendship or whatever. But it honestly feels like we are making progress towards friendship.

 

I know I'm still not in a place where I'm ready to fall for another girl but I am going to make a more conscious effort to start dating others. Even if I use it as a selfish act to show my ex I am over her and to help better myself.

 

Today I realised that I'm looking forward to the day in the future when I can look back at the whole episode and be like - what was I thinking. I know that time will come and I'll laugh at how I am now and in some ways that gives me motivation to keep moving forwards no matter how slowly the progress is. And at times it's certainly seem liked two steps forward one step backwards.

 

I only hope my positivity continues tomorrow

 

lonely83

[lonely83]

NC Phase 3 - Day 2 -AM

 

Just a short post this morning.

 

Speaking to the ex yesterday has made me think about her loads - I sort of drift between wanting her back and accepting that it's over and I've moved on. I can't tell if I'm still in love with her or it's the idea of having someone close that I miss. I mean I know I still have feelings for her but is that lust?

 

Although I've gone back to NC with her I still feel positive in the long term for our friendship - call me crazy but I think eventually given time we will work things out in terms of plutonic relationship.

 

I read an interesting post this morning about wanting the ex back if they might just end things again - surely that's the same risk in any relationship? No matter who you are in a relationship with there is always that risk of it ending? If you weren't willing to take that risk then you'd never get in a relationship - so I guess in my mind what's the difference between taking the risk getting back together with an ex and taking it with someone new? They could both ultimately end up in the same place, heart break or ultimate happiness.

 

lonely83

[lonely83]

NC Phase 3 - Day 2 -PM

 

Originally wasn't going to post as have been feeling so much happier today - only felt really seriously down about things once all day, (I can't remember what triggered this off), although feeling a little hurt now (through my own fault). I just looked at her facebook and the guy she is dating/in a relationship has commented on a photo with him, her and a friend in as my ex looking 'HOT'. Kinda up set me at how close they seem to becoming - guess its no longer a rebound and is becoming a serious relationship.

 

Still in NC - although I keep praying she'll contact me, even if it were just a drunken text.... anything to show that she is still thinking of me etc.

 

I'm by no means over her yet but I feel I am starting to show slight signs of progression.....

 

lonely83

[lonely83]

NC Phase 3 - Day 3 -AM

 

Seem to have taken a step backwards - I don't know what it is, (maybe that comment on her facebook photo in the back of my mind) but I seem to be getting upset at the thought of the two of them together loads today. As before it upsets me that shes moved on so easily and is lying in bed next to someone else and I'm waking up every morning on my own thinking of her. I can't help thinking that it should be lying next to her, the only reason we broke up was she was scared of commitment, that sounds like such a pathetic excuse to me?

 

I'm a bit upset with myself as a result today as the past few days I thought I'd been showing signs of progression of taking tiny steps forward in my quest to over coming her - evidently I must have been mistaken.

 

lonely83

[lonely83]

NC Phase 3 - Day 5 -AM

 

Sorry for not posting yesterday - I've been trying to reduce the amount of time I spend on ENA, not because I don't value the opinions of everyone etc but because I feel at times it might be giving me unrealistic hopes about the situation with my ex.

 

Since my last entry I'd generally say I've been a lot better about the whole situation. Obviously I still miss her and I think about her, what she's up to etc and wonder, (hopefully), if she ever thinks of me, (which I doubt).

 

Strangely the thought of her with this other guy she's dating, (facebook still says she's single doesn't seem to be as upsetting or depressing as it used to! - Is this a sign I'm moving on?

 

I keep wondering if going on dates with other girls - while I might not be attracted to them or feel for them way I feel for my ex - might be a good means of helping me get over her even more? In some ways I think the idea of me with someone else would make her jealous and hopefully change her mind but then I guess the opposite is true, (she might get the impression I'm over her and if she does still have feelings for me not bother doing anything about them). Why is life so confusing and complicated?

 

lonely83

[lonely83]

NC Phase 3 - Day 8 - AM

 

Hey all,

 

Sorry I've not been as active the past few days - I was testing to see whether spending time away from ENA had any impact on my mood/feelings etc.

 

I kind of saw my ex last night, I walked by her in a club - I don't think she saw me, she was dancing with her friends, no sign of the guy she's 'dating' or whatever at that time. Her facebook STILL says single, has photos of us two and quotes and it's now been over a month since that fated phone conversation.

 

I'm at the point now where I genuinely believe she'll never regret what she's given up. She clearly has no feelings for me and obviously never felt the way she claimed to for me. It's naive but all I want to know is if she ever things about me etc anymore, I know the answer is most definitely a 'no' but for some reason I still can't hope thinking she might? In some ways I kind of hoped she'd have contacted me by now, it's been a month, in which time we've only spoken twice on MSN.

 

As for the NC it's self. I think it's helped me move on, I'm by no means over her yet I realise that but I know I don't spend anywhere near as much time thinking about her, I'm generally happier and sleeping more peacefully and properly too. My main concern is that is NC the right thing to have done to make her realise what she's doing etc?

 

I think part of my problem is that I don't believe that we had enough 'closure' in the way our relationship ended. I still don't think she gave us enough of an opportunity to work things out and I only wish I could talk to her about all this.

 

lonely83

[lonely83]

NC Phase 3 - Day 9 -AM

 

Ok so my ex just broke NC with me, unfortunately it was only on msn to ask about when I wanted to get my stuff back and we didn't really chat for long but she kept on saying she'd text me and every time she wrote something she was putting 'xxx' at the end of every sentence. I know its only msn and it doesn't mean anythin but it just seemed so odd for her to be doing that especially when she hasn't in the past. No doubt I'm over analysing everything and getting my hopes up that she might be missing me - as is usually the case.

 

Two thoughts are going through my mind, first - that she really wants rid of my stuff and me from her life completely and second - that maybe she does miss me and wants to use this as an excuse to see me? Naturally I'd like it to be the second thought but in all honestly I know deep down it's the first.

 

Other than that I had a dream which she was in last night, it wasn't about her as such but she was in it. In it we were so coupley holding hands etc which naturally left me depressed when I woke up. Why is it when I thought I was moving forward/getting over her, things like this dream just knock me back down again?

 

lonely83

[lonely83]

NC Phase 3 - Day 10 - AM

 

Ok so firstly why is it that our NC is appearing to be broken every 10 days or so? This time it was broken by her as you will see from below.

 

Ok so here goes, there I was sitting there in the uni canteen minding my own business reading the paper eating my lunch and who sits down opposite me... my ex.

 

Obviously I'm civil, we talked for about 30mins about what we'd been up to, how uni was going and she was asking me about my plans for when I graduate etc. She mentioned about the guy she was dating and how things weren't going that well about how he was to serious and she didn't want a relationship and how she thought that today would be the last time she saw him, (she said they were going for lunch). She said I wasn't really the person to be talking about it with given our history, I said I understood but if she wanted to I was comfortable listening.

 

She was saying how she'd been to a few places recently that reminded her of me, places we'd been together etc and how she'd wanted to ring me etc but didn't. She was also asking if I'd been out much and saying how she hadn't seen me out recently and couldn't remember that last time we actually saw each other.

 

She was telling me about her diet, something I've always been concerned about and how she still worried about it and how she was worried about finding a year placement for uni. And she was saying how she didn't want to burden it on me or anything.

 

While we were chatting a friend of ours ended up joining us which made things a little bit more awkward so me and her couldn't really chat anymore which was upsetting as it felt like we were starting to connect etc again.

 

Right now I can't decide how I feel, am I happy I've seen her and spoken to her? yes. Do I feel up set about the whole situation? I'm not sure.

 

lonely83

[lonely83]

NC Phase 3 - Day 11 - AM

 

Ok well since yesterday I suppose it's technically Phase 4 Day 1 but since I wasn't the one to break the NC on this occasion I've decided to continue on day 11.

 

After yesterdays conversation with her I don't really know how I feel anymore. I guess I'm just going to have to continue on with my life as I was trying to previously and wait and see what happens. In some ways I wish I could speak to a mutual friend about it all to see if they know any thing but I know I can't.

 

lonely83