What to do/How soon to act?

[Bogre]

Hi guys.

 

My gf. just broke up with me half a week ago, and it's kinda shaken me. I know that sometimes things don't work out, but I definitely can't escape thinking of her and almost every little thing seems to remind me of her. More than that, though, I've taken some time to think about things and I can't get away from the feeling that we've been great together, and achieved more in our relationship than we've ever had with others before, and I feel that it could be a really long-lasting, great thing.

 

I think that the lack of time to spend together for more than an hour at a time over the past couple of weeks (holiday break + hectic schedule) was a definite stress in the relationship. I had felt things become different and more distant, but I mean at times when we'd be together it would feel much like it ever did. I thought that if I got a chance to spend an evening with her it would settle things back into the groove. But I never got that chance and its bugging me.

 

Anyways, it wasn't a messy break-up at all. She cried and told me she just couldn't see us being together forever, and that we are too different to match well, but that she had really really wanted for us to be it. My opinions are that we aren't that different, and we do make a really good match. I'm not the type who looks forward years and years but I do think of it occasionally and there is not a problem of me seeing her in my future. But apparently there is one of me being in hers...and I don't know what caused this. And she was affectionate when we broke up, holding my hand and squeezing it, kissing me, etc, which I don't know what that means.

 

Anyways I really hope this relationship can be saved because I think there's a good possibility of it being a great thing for a lot longer. I'm doing the low contact thing...no contact is impossible because of school. Also, she told me she didn't want me to be the type who avoids her, and she said that would totally ruin things. But I haven't sent her begging emails or called her or anything. I have smiled at her/said hi, joked around a little bit, etc, when we've seen each other.

 

Anyways this is my conundrum. I don't want to pointedly ignore her but I do realize I need to give her space. I don't know if I should contact her or to totally let her come to me, because there may also be another guy 'waiting in the wings', so I don't know if giving her a ton of space will be detrimental or not. Also her friends will surround her and probably try to make her forget me. (good friend thing to do but prolly not good for me.)

 

So am I doing the right things? Should I be doing anything different? Are there any tips you all would have for me? I know breakups aren't lethal, but I feel this relationship could still have somewhere to go and I feel that until we both give it 100% it won't realize that. And until I give it 110% to making things right I'll never forgive myself.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You can want things till the cows come home, but the fact is she doesn't want a relationship with you right now...she doesn't see you in her future. You are doing the right thing by being friendly with her because you are at the same school. Other than that I don't think you should make any attempts to contact her and I would be very careful if she contacts you...you don't want to get strung along and have false hope. If she cares about you enough she will come back even if you never initiate contact. If another guy goes after her and she reciprocates then that shows that she is not interested in a future with you. It is over right now and you have to accept that her dreams are not the same as yours. Don't hang on to false hope...accept that it is over so that you can move on with your life. If she wants to come back, nothing will stop her from coming back and telling you she made a mistake.

[Bogre]

Thanks for the comment, but I am still looking for advice on how to repair this.

[ourtrees]

There's really nothing you can do to repair this, not if she doesn't want it, anyway. And in trying, you might just push her away.

 

If you feel that NC is not possible, fine. On the other hand, try not to initiate contact unless it is absolutely necessary, at least for a little while. If she approaches you, be friendly if not somewhat detached. Give her space, let her miss you and work out her feelings. While you're doing that, improve yourself. Think about what you could work on in the relationship if you should get another shot. Go out and do things and live your life without her, find some other positives.

 

Like the person above me said, nothing will stop her if she wants to come back and you're willing to take her back. But pushing too hard might keep her from coming back.

[Bogre]

Okay, I know that most advice is to let her come to me and stuff, but I mean how do i know if thats the right decision? what if she seems like she likes me and that I would have a chance (just through some gut feelings I had) and it seems like the more I wait the less chance I will have of rekindling the fire and the more chance we'll just grow apart. I mean it seems that I missed my chance already because it seemed that she was trying to get chances to be near me a few days ago...or maybe i'm just deluding myself and making things out of nothing.

 

So what should I be doing? Should I just continue doing the same things?

 

I still feel I have some things to get off my chest...about how I really appreciated our relationship and how i felt it really helped me try to be a better person and that it was a really good thing and that I was hoping it would be serious...should I tell her this, or wait? I mean I don't know if I should tell her that and also that it would be the last time I would be the one initiating this, and I don't know if I should have told her this sooner, or what.

 

I just don't know and so many scenarios and choices are playing through my mind...

[thouse]

I think you should get everything off your chest one last time, by this I don't mean begging and pleading for the relationship back, but more of having a conversation about what you think your part in the demise of the relationship was and anything else you would like to say. After having this last conversation I would give her space, and let her think about all the things you have said to her. I would let her initiate contact for awhile and work on yourself in the mean time. If things were basically good during the relationship I'm sure in time she will make some sort of contact.

[Bogre]

It's so weird though...keeping myself from initiating contact. I mean tonight there was a huge group watching the superbowl, and she stayed even though most of her best friends left, watching.

 

But she had a seat open next to her, and I felt she was waiting on me to come sit down. (I was sitting on the other side). I don't know if I'm just wishing that to be so or whatever but could that have been a signal? I was going to go sit next to her when someone took my seat, but somebody sat down right before I got there....then she left before the game was over. Do you think I screwed up?

 

Edit: And is there anyone who would like to talk to me over aim/msn about this? I'd really appreciate it.

[doyathink]

Bogre, your private message box is activated. It may be easier to talk to someone through pm'ing....if that helps.

 

Pm one of the mods if you'd like. I don't know who all is on atm...but I know DN is on, and he is soooo much help with relationship help.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

She broke up with you...if she is playing games with you and expecting you to run after her then I would leave her be. She could have come over to you. What difference does it make if there was an empty seat next to her. She broke up with you, you are not obliged to sit next to her hoping that by doing so she will change her mind about the break up. She broke up with you because she didn't see it working out...why should you run after her trying to prove you are worthy and looking at vague things as signs she might be interested and if you don't act on those vague signs then somehow you blew it. You didn't blow anything...SHE BLEW IT. If she wants you, she should fix what she blew and not expect you to try to interpret possible vague signs from her. Let her do the work and take responsibility and if she doesn't want, let it go. Sorry, it may not be what you want to hear, but that is the reality. She broke up with you...if she wants to be together with you, she will make it crystal clear, no games.

[Bogre]

I mean she's not the game playing type...but she is the type who might not take the initiative...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Well, if she can't take the initiative after she was the one who broke up with you, then she would not be holding herself accountable for her actions and for hurting you. If someone makes a mistake, it is their responsibility to correct it fully and beyond a shadow of a doubt...not in a half-assed manner so that somebody else bears the brunt of the responsibility. If you chase after he based on subtle hints she is giving you, she will never learn to take responsibility for her actions and this kind of attitude will simply escalate knowing that you will always cover for her.

[thouse]

Well, if she can't take the initiative after she was the one who broke up with you, then she would not be holding herself accountable for her actions and for hurting you. If someone makes a mistake, it is their responsibility to correct it fully and beyond a shadow of a doubt...not in a half-assed manner so that somebody else bears the brunt of the responsibility. If you chase after he based on subtle hints she is giving you, she will never learn to take responsibility for her actions and this kind of attitude will simply escalate knowing that you will always cover for her.

I agree my ex is doing the same thing now. He keeps saying he made a mistake and is dropping little hints like "I can't believe I have lost my oppurtunity with you" Like he's waiting for me to say "No you haven't" But I won't do it. If he wants us to try again he will have to swallow his pride and take the risk I will not make this easy for him since he IS the one who broke up with me.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree my ex is doing the same thing now. He keeps saying he made a mistake and is dropping little hints like "I can't believe I have lost my oppurtunity with you" Like he's waiting for me to say "No you haven't" But I won't do it. If he wants us to try again he will have to swallow his pride and take the risk I will not make this easy for him since he IS the one who broke up with me.

 

 

Yeah, those little hints are just baiting...they want you to grab for the dangling carrot so that they can just pull it away. If they really meant business, they wouldn't just be dropping hints, they would actually go do the work it takes to re-build.

[Bogre]

Okay, kind of an update. She sent me a message congratulating me for something and we sent a few back and forth- first time she's contacted me besides just friendly hi/hellos. And she still seems to try and initiate conversations with me and we've still been friendly.

 

Yikes it feels like I missed my chance though thats probably just delusions right.

 

I still haven't tried to talk with her about what happened or anything.

 

There is, however, a movie coming out that we had planned on seeing a while ago cause its named after kind of an inside joke and things. Should I ask her to go see it with me? If so, how?

[Bogre]

Guys? Any advice?

 

Also I still haven't told her that I wanted to reconcile beyond when we first broke up...should I have done that/is it too late to do that now?

[dreamguy]

First of all, no amount of convincing from her friends to forget you will work if she loves you. In one word: Don't worry about their influence on her life.

 

Right now, what will make her get over you easily is if you do not respect her decision and give her ALL the space she needs.

No I am not saying this because it's the trend on this website. I am saying it because of personal experience with my current ex.

 

We all have a fear that when someone breaks up with us, we HAVE to fight for them and always maintain contact, always do our best to be in their life somehow... to remind them of us and keep whatever is left in their heart (as love for us) alive.

 

I know, it defies logic. It awakens fears and doubts in your heart when you think about staying away from your ex but in your case right now it's the best thing to do.

 

She didn't break up with you because you betrayed her, cheated on her or abused her. She broke up with you because somewhere inside confusion took over.

 

Before you do anything ask yourself why this confusion and uncertainty pushed her to take her decision. Like they say: A break up is an EMOTIONAL decision and you cannot use LOGIC to influence emotions. Emotions will ALWAYS win !

 

I won't tell you to go NC (it's up to you) but I will tell you not to initiate contact even if weeks go by and you don't hear from her.

 

If she contacts you then do not ask to see her. Do not ask if she is seeing someone else. Do not ask if she still loves you / misses you. Do not ever tell her how sad you are or how miserable you feel.

 

You don't have to lie and pretend to be over the top but you also don't have to act like you are a victim. Dumpers avoid you when you act in this needy way. They do NOT want to be responsible for your feelings and happiness.

 

Even if you can show them you have everything under control they will respect you much more and, trust me, they will still know you are sad and hurt.

[Bogre]

Thanks, that was a great post.

 

But I mean, am I wrong in thinking that the best chance for us to get back together was a couple of weeks ago when I posted about the game? I mean...it just seems like now its gone too long...

 

I mean it seems like the people who break every 'rule' who always leave NC are the people who get back with their exes...not the people who don't contact them.

[dreamguy]

I mean it seems like the people who break every 'rule' who always leave NC are the people who get back with their exes...not the people who don't contact them.

 

I don't think it matters whether or not you stay in touch with an ex IF the ex has clearly lost all feelings for you.

And, yes, I agree that holding on to NC forever won't help you get someone back. In the end (sometimes it takes a lot of time), it just makes it easier for you to get your balance back and go on with your life.

 

Keeping in touch with an ex may end up in reconciliation ONLY when both parties still harbor feelings for each other.

Even in that case, there should be an initial period of NC (weeks to months depending on the length of the rels and the gravity of the problems) after the break up to allow the dust to settle.

[Bogre]

Yikes. So I saw her at an event at a bar and I know she looked over my way a couple of times, but I made no effort to go over and say hi, or talk. Though I did say something very briefly to someone standing right next to her, then went back to my own conversation (she wasn't facing me, really).

 

Could that have sent a bad message? Should I have talked to her? I know its past, but I will get myself over it easier if I know someone's elses opinion of that.

[dreamguy]

You did good. You don't have to go over and say "hi".

Besides you said she was not even facing you so it doesn't look like she was eager to have a conversation anyway (unless she hadn't noticed you but I think she did because you were talking to someone standing right next to her).

[Bogre]

It's just difficult living in the same building And it seems that she used to try and find reasons to talk to me or start conversations but it seems that its gotten awkward or not that way anymore for some reason...any ideas as to why that could be?

[Bogre]

Well its been a month.

[SamT]

Hi Bogre. Im sorta in the same situation as you. Shes still loving and gives me mixed messages. But ive realised at least for now, that you have to attempt to let go. Give yourself space to eas your mind. With the energy that you want to giver her...use it on yourself. This is an opportunity to get yourself back together and to think about what you want to do with your life, and your ambitions...

After 6 weeks of Loose contact, ive decided to try no contact for a while. Not jsut for her..but for myself to get my feet back on the ground. Try concentrating on other things in your life that you love, apart from her. Maybe your hobbies?interests?friends?try and look forward to other things that might be happening in your life.

I reccomend this article to read it helps a bit :

 

If you want my advice:

If you think that you still want her back - after getting yourself back together, and do some serious thinking. Try and be happy aall the time if shes around, and if you think she might see. You should be happy about yourself now anyway, but try and laugh with friends and have a good time. After all, she did not fall for you because you were grouchy? You can BE HAPPY AT ANY TIME! (remember that)-keep saying it to yourself.

If you talk or argue..and you do not agree with what shes saying. Go Along With It, make yourself understanding! Shed like it if shes sees that your a listener and that you care about what She wants. You dont have to be Right all the time!

So all in all dont do the wrong things that havent worked before i.e. begg, explain, promising.

Be HAPPY AND UNDERSTANDING! If you want to know i tried this theory...and it did go a long way for a bit. She was contacting me! ringing me in the night...and in the end i slept with her again lol.

But be sure not to get your hopes up to high... you both need time to grieve and get your thoughts together. Everything takes TIME...

[Bogre]

I just can't get over the feeling that I missed my chance, that I've waited too long etc. I mean its not like I'm so terribly broken up over it but I still find myself thinking about her a lot and every little thing reminds me of her.

 

And it seems to me like every couple who did the wrong things got back together while those who did the 'right' things haven't.

 

Gah.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You didn't miss your chance because there was no chance to be had....she broke up with you...she has made no effort to change her mind...chasing after someone who broke up with you is not going to win them back. If she is the kind of person who breaks up with guys because she wants them to chase after her then she is not the kind of person who is healthy relationship material. Let it go and stop feeling so guilty...you made your position clear at the break up...it is up to her to initiate any talk of reconciliation.