what should i do

[biggi]

i have been married for 12 years, we had our up's and down's, just like every other couple does.

right before thangs giving, my husband changed shift's at work and startet going to the gym at night.

as his houres at the gym got longer and longer, i thought something may be going on.

so i drove out there and he wasn't there, i asked him about it and he had an excuse.

he stoped going to the gym, but had to work late everyday, he said they were short handed.

i didn't question that, i was a military wife for 11 years and was pretty much used to him working all houres of the day and night.

thanks giving came and i had the turkey ready, the kids and i were waiting for him to come home.

after a while i called his job to ask him when he would be back, the answer i got was: nobody is working late, no one can pull overtime, first shift got of on time and they all went home.

when he got home i toled him that i called his job and he was not happy with me, asked me who in the hell i think i am to call his job.

i got a rental drove to his job and waited for him, he came out and i followed him into a neighborhood ( not ours).

what happened that day was i forgot my cell phone, my daughter got sick at school, so he got the message on his phone.

since i didn't want to follow to close i lost him when he drove into the neighborhood.

he must have went to her toled her about our daughter and left.

i drove thrue the neighborhood looking for him and saw a women with the same uniform as his go into a house.

i thought this must be the one and the next day i was going to confront the both of them.

next day and short of funds i took my own car and waited for him at a corner where he would turn to go to her house.

he did take that turn, but as he looked back for travic he spoted me and turned into a gasstation.

i called and had the cell phone bill idomized and found that he calls her several times everyday.

he didnt know about the bill and i thought i can get him to stay with me, if i change.

i had already ask him about that women and he toled me that she is just a friend and all they do is talk.

he toled me he would brake of all contact to her and we tried to make a new start.

for 2 weeks everything was great, i put all my trust in him and he didn't give me any reason to think that it was still going on.

last monday i had a great day at work and got of early, i had a funny feeling so i drove by her house and he was there.

i knocked on the door and her daughter opened, i asked to speak to her mother.

she went and knocked at a door, they were in her bedroom.

i asked her if they were having an affair, all she did was stand there with a smile and said i have nothing to say to you , talk you your husband.

i asked him and he said yes we are having an affair.

i turned and left, he went back in the house with her.

when he came home i had his stuff packed, he refused to leave.

we argued like crazy and then sat and had a quite talk, in which he toled me that he likes her and she likes him, that hurt so bad.

he also said that he could never have a relationship with a women who works at the job they do and be happy there.

and he could never life with her, because she has 3 kids.

we talked about divorce and he said he dont want one, he wants to be with me.

he is even willing to move to prove it to me, but i dont think that i can ever trust him again.

i gave him all my trust during those 2 weeks when everything was great and he took it and stomped on it.

i love him so much, i cryed so much and lost a lot of weight ( a blessing for a lot of women, but i am skinn and bones now) inside i am so drained.

i dont know which way to turn, what to do or what to say.

can i ever win him back?

will he stay with me?

will he still call her?

who will be next?

i dont think it will ever work, but for the kids i have to try.

i hurt so bad inside.

if there is anyone out there, who went thrue something like this and you are still married to the same person please ,please, please reply to this and tell me what i can do to make it all better again.

thank you!

[mermayd]

I am not married, however, I may have some advice. What your husband did to you is disrespectful and inexcusable. He has no right to treat you as he did, especially because of your children! I sympathize greatly with you and wish that you..or anyone for that matter, should not ever have to go through this kind of pain and sufferage. I do believe you have some choices here. I think you should consider seeing a marraige counseler to solve some of these issues. Because you are right, "will he stay with you? Will he call her? WHO WILL BE NEXT????" You put your trust into him and now you can never trust him again the way yoou did when you took your vows...and that is HIS fault. If you did anything to drive him away, he should have communicated with you about it rather than result to another woman. Another choice you have that I am sure has crossed your mind and you have considered, is divorce. I know...I understand that you want to go about this another way because of your childeren. However, there are some key points that you should consider. He has LOST your trust completely. I can see that you are looking beyond your personal happiness and considering what is best for the kids...which is a wonderful effort on your part. But you know that after this situation, you cannot be happy with him. You gave him that second chance for 2 weeks and like you said, he stomped on it. it meant nothing. I always tell people "do what makes YOU happy" but you are looking out for your kids...which makes this a very difficult situation. On a personal note, I come from a broken home, my parents were never married and I had a ton of instability in my childhood. To make a very long story very short, I am adopted. I ahve had many friends that were the product of an unhappy marraige and many friends that had divorced parents. I want you to consider what you really think is best for your children...Do you want them to be in a family where there is no trust? no love? arguments? Or would you rather have them be in a loving, caring environment with you and still be able to keep in contact with their father??? This is a choice you will have to make yourself. However, I have found that the friends that I have had, including myself, a loving environment is far better than a destructive one. Children who are brought up in a destructive family or who can feel the tensness of the relationship of their parents, tend to have destructive and unhappy relationships in the future. Look at the BIG picture, what is outside of the frame...I am sure that this decision will be a difficult one, and will involve pain as well, but wont staying with him produce the same results, or worse?

[biggi]

since i first posted this note, things have gotten worse.

even though we dont argue, we dont talk at all and i sleep on the sofa.

in all this time he has never once said he is sorry or has taken any action to make it up to me.

i feel like he does not care at all.

however i am done crying, i went and got a complete makeover and i feel great.

when he saw me, he said "damn", dont ask me if that is good or bad, i do not know.

tax time is here and my refund is going to my attorney.

i love him so much, but i will never get over that picture in my head (him at her house).

what's even worse, is that he is blaming me for everything.

now i must have someone else, cause i want a divorce and i dont love him anymore.

i dont know what is worse, seeing him with her, or getting the blame for it all.

anyway, ty.

P.S. my parents got divorced when i was young, but they are still friends and my sister and i never had to suffer.

[knightbear]

can you get out of this .....i am sure there is a long list of things he has done.i hope that you and the kids find better

[Texas Consultant]

My advice on infidelity:

 

Unless the other person cares enough to humble themselves totally, admit they completely screwed up and hurt you badly and that now they realize they didn't want to do that and never want to again, they're going to do something to slip your trust again. Affairs. Addiction. Crime. It's all the same.

 

Don't be a doormat. Forgive if you wish, but I suggest you make the person see what they've done first. It's not much different, training dogs or men...