Getting Back by LC or NC

[thouse]

Just wanted to see how you guys think most reconciliations happen by doing LC or NC. By LC that could mean either leaving lines of communication open by letting them only contact you, or by mutual contact.

 

Also if you choose to only let the dumper contact you wouldn't after awhile they realize they are the only ones doing the contacting and eventually stop??

[czjnkn]

Thouse, I have been wondering that same exact question. We're sort of on the path to reconcilement. She is the dumper and I am making her do all the contact. I always wait for her to call or IM me. I never call or IM her. This was advice put forth by others and I have been adhering to that. However, when I saw her the other day, she said she'd call me later that night, yet didn't. When I mentioned it later the next day, she said sorry but she didn't remember saying she would call and responded that "you can call me to you know".

 

I just responded that I didn't want to bother her because she has been really busy and stressed with work and school lately. Though it's really starting to make me wonder. Will she stop contacting because she realizes she always has to be the one to do it?

[SapphireNoir10]

Just wanted to see how you guys think most reconciliations happen by doing LC or NC. By LC that could mean either leaving lines of communication open by letting them only contact you, or by mutual contact.

 

Also if you choose to only let the dumper contact you wouldn't after awhile they realize they are the only ones doing the contacting and eventually stop??

 

My reconcilliations have always happened by one person phoning and wanting to talk and reopening the lines of communication.

 

NO contact gives them a chance to think and gives them space to think and perhaps see what their missing. They can sort out their heads out. They might panic when you realise your not talking to them anymore and understand they cant play games and finally make a decision on what they want.

 

I think if they want to talk you should talk. But i wouldnt activley contact them first. However if their phoning or talking to you they've reopened the lines of communication so contacting them back wouldnt be a bad thing.

[thouse]

My reconcilliations have always happened by one person phoning and wanting to talk and reopening the lines of communication.

 

NO contact gives them a chance to think and gives them space to think and perhaps see what their missing. They can sort out their heads out. They might panic when you realise your not talking to them anymore and understand they cant play games and finally make a decision on what they want.

 

I think if they want to talk you should talk. But i wouldnt activley contact them first. However if their phoning or talking to you they've reopened the lines of communication so contacting them back wouldnt be a bad thing.

I understand about the contacting them back if they contact you first, but I guess I am asking about a situation where they might call you on Monday and you guys talk for awhile is it ok to contact them again or do you have to wait for them to contact you before you talk again. Me personally if I was the one always doing the calling I would eventually stop.

[SapphireNoir10]

I understand about the contacting them back if they contact you first, but I guess I am asking about a situation where they might call you on Monday and you guys talk for awhile is it ok to contact them again or do you have to wait for them to contact you before you talk again. Me personally if I was the one always doing the calling I would eventually stop.

 

Yeah if i always had to do the chasing for the person i'd broken up with id think they werent interested in reconcilliation and give up. If I was the person who'd been contacted by the dumper, id ring back if they'd rang me on the monday. Just to keep the communication open.

[NorthDallas40]

I've thought about this a lot, as well. My LDR ex dumped me 4 weeks ago because she didn't "have time for a boyfriend," among other personal reasons. But it was obviously a difficult decision for her, there was no other guy involved, and she never said she wasn't in love with me. So we parted with no hard feelings.

 

I instituted NC immediately. But every weekend since, she's texted or called me - always around 2-3am, and usually drunk - to say she misses me & wants me back. I never pick up or respond.

 

But this past Monday, she left me a VM at 7:30pm her time, and was clearly sober. She didn't have anything specific to say, but she admitted that wonders what I'm doing, has been looking at the new pics I've posted on my Myspace, and despite having more time to pursue her projects, she still is emotionally not doing well because I'm gone, and wants - and sometimes needs - to talk to me.

 

So this morning I decided to break NC with a short email:

 

"It was a nice surprise to hear your voice the other evening, especially sober and before 2am. Thanks for asking about my mom - she's much better now. I'm sorry to hear you're feeling blue from time to time, but I hope everything is going well for you otherwise.

Cuidate mariposa,

-ND40"

 

I figured she deserved a response this time, because she seemed to be genuinely reaching out with her phone call even though she didn't even hint at getting back together.

 

And with that in mind, I made sure to say nothing about my life now, or how I felt about her. If she's fishing to see if I still miss & love her (which I still do), she's going to have to say it first, and really mean it.

 

So to answer your question I think that yes, LC - only AFTER NC - can help bring someone around. Or at the very least, show that you're not so proud or so spiteful that you won't respect their reaching out. Only time will tell if I'm right in my situation.

[thouse]

Yeah if i always had to do the chasing for the person i'd broken up with id think they werent interested in reconcilliation and give up. If I was the person who'd been contacted by the dumper, id ring back if they'd rang me on the monday. Just to keep the communication open.

Exactly if I felt like I was chasing somebody I would definitely stop, but also I think if you let the dumper do all the contacting it could be seen as one sided. I guess I'm wondering if the ex does intiate contact initially would it be ok if we (dumpee) initiated contact sometimes, but still letting the dumper initiate contact most of the time.

[rapunzel]

I was unable to have complete NC with my ex due to us working together but I did not initiate any contact for almost 5 months.

 

I called him as described in a prior thread about 1.5 weeks ago. It was to give him some information that would save him a trip into the city.

 

I think a long period of NC and acting aloof helps, especially if you are a woman who was dumped. After a couple of months I would respond to his calls in a day or two with an email, as I could not bring myself to dial his number.

 

Now that I've gotten past that stumbling block of calling I feel a little less guarded but I still don't feel ready to initiate. He sent me an email Tuesday that was an impersonal forward basically reminding me where he'd be Weds. night if I wanted to go...and since it's a long drive and the first time we went to this place, he picked me up...I did not go. And I did not reply as it was just a forward.

 

But this morning I sent him an email response (in response to a business type email he sent to everyone) that I hoped he had fun last night.

 

I would agree after a certain period of time of NC, a few to several months, that LC would lead to a more successful chance of reconciliation. But than again, I have no freakin' clue as I have not (yet) had a reconciliation with my ex. We are on friendlier terms but he's still flirty so I don't know if he's just interested in the ego boost, or what.

 

I agree that if the dumper never got a call back or a response he/she would eventually give up and move on. I'm keeping the door cracked ajar to my ex but I'm also actively considering my other options.

[lynxwizard]

What if your ex is living with another Man ? for Me I think NC is the only thing to do, agreed ?

[Irish Jax]

There are no guarantees or rules when it comes to LC or NC. If you feel comfortable contacting your ex, then do it. If not, choose not to answer. Instead of worrying about what your ex is thinking or doing, worry about yourself and making yourself feel better. If your ex wants to be with you, they will call you and tell you. If he is not telling you that, then he is probably calling to see if you are moving on. I would focus on myself and not worry about whether calling him affects your chances.

[rapunzel]

What if your ex is living with another Man ? for Me I think NC is the only thing to do, agreed ?

 

Yes, No Contact in this situation!

[samantha20]

I'm wondering the same thing. My ex text me tonight to 'see how I'm doing' and tell me she has an exam tomorrow. Like Lynxwizard I'm wondering whether nc is the best thing because she has a bf now. Is she just reaching out for friendship? does she miss me as a gf? does she want an ego boost? I don't know whether to reply, as it seems mean to ignore her, especially when she has told me she has an exam tomorrow. I feel like I should at least say good luck? I'm also scared she will give up on me if i don't reply.

[Opaque1997]

I want to agree with Irish Jax - maybe because it gives me a reason to continue on as I have been. I told my ex that i needed NC as he was opening the door to date, but after 3 days (and not really even that as we still have a lot of communication about logisitics (but honestly only talking logisitcs) I broke last night - luckily he wasn't around to respond (in bed asleep and I am sure of it) I couldn't get the immediate satisfaction and when he wrote this morning I was in a slightly better place. THe communication I initiated was purly for me, I told him point blank it wasn't fair to him because I was looking for assurance that what we had was real (not that it is real now but was then) I told him where I was in grief over this and where I needed to go, I told him it was for me and only for me, and that he needed to do what was good for him, even if I didn't understand it.

 

I feel good about it but have some guilt as it was still communication - your post is giving me strength to say - heck - it is me and I know what is best.. because I so desperately want that trust within me back

[rapunzel]

I'm wondering the same thing. My ex text me tonight to 'see how I'm doing' and tell me she has an exam tomorrow. Like Lynxwizard I'm wondering whether nc is the best thing because she has a bf now. Is she just reaching out for friendship? does she miss me as a gf? does she want an ego boost? I don't know whether to reply, as it seems mean to ignore her, especially when she has told me she has an exam tomorrow. I feel like I should at least say good luck? I'm also scared she will give up on me if i don't reply.

 

You could reply with just a brief "good luck" and leave it at that. It doesn't mean she misses you as a GF. Perhaps she does. I'm sure she misses things about you and your past. NO ONE KNOWS WHAT IS IN YOUR EX'S MIND EXCEPT YOUR EX. But she is with someone new now and she may just reaching out for friendship. Take it at face value.

 

In my opinion there's nothing wrong with replying (I think it is considerate unless there was abuse or cheating involved with your ex) but don't get your hopes up. It does not mean anything. It is what it is, just a text from your ex. Nothing more and nothing less. Don't read into it and if you do reply, don't expect anything.

 

And of course, you have the right to not reply. It's up to you but either way, just take a deep breath, close your eyes and remind yourself that you were fine before your ex, you are fine now, you will be FINE in the future and all is well in your world. Count your blessings and write down 5 things that you are grateful for today. This works for me when I am feeling frantic about my ex and I'm finding that is happening less and less.

[samantha20]

Thanks repunzel. It's weird actually, because I've spent all week secretly hoping she would make contact. Now she has it's just made me obsess about her again and I was feeling slightly better today.. I replied saying 'i'm ok thankyou. yeah work was busy last night.. good luck tomorrow'. Brief but polite. I'm pretty sure she won't reply, which is kind of annoying because now I feel like I've reassured her that I'm still speaking to her and she has the upper hand and has stopped thinking about me now she has been reassured..

 

I couldn't ignore her though. I don't want her to think that I'm being malicious or playing games or whatever, because like you thouse, the thought of her giving up on me and leaving me alone scares me.. she doesn't know that I've gone back to my parents place and I've got a feeling that she will ask to meet up with me this weekend as her exams will be over and her bf will be at work. If she does I don't know whether to reply that I'm at home, ignore her or say something else.. what do you think?

[pryda]

I've spent all week secretly hoping she would make contact.

That's not really a healthy mentality to have...

 

Now she has it's just made me obsess about her again

...and that is precisely why.

 

But yeah, you did the right thing in response. I never advocate ignoring people; as long as you aren't the one initiating the contact, you can still reply to the ex, providing it's pretty brief and neutral and you don't go off on an emotional tirade.

 

I really hope you get through this stuff OK!

[rapunzel]

Thanks repunzel. It's weird actually, because I've spent all week secretly hoping she would make contact. Now she has it's just made me obsess about her again and I was feeling slightly better today.. I replied saying 'i'm ok thankyou. yeah work was busy last night.. good luck tomorrow'. Brief but polite. I'm pretty sure she won't reply, which is kind of annoying because now I feel like I've reassured her that I'm still speaking to her and she has the upper hand and has stopped thinking about me now she has been reassured..

 

Well, you can't be annoyed by something that hasn't happened yet? And you don't know what is going to happen as you cannot predict the future. So don't let yourself get annoyed. If she doesn't reply, she doesn't reply. So be it. It's not the end of the world. If she contacted you once, she will most likely contact you again.

 

And you cannot assume that you have reassured her or that she has stopped thinking of you. You don't know that, you just think that. It doesn't mean it is true. Also, why does she have the upper hand? Because you think and you tell yourself she does. Change the way you think about her. By replying you did not give her the upper hand. You were just being a considerate human being replying to another human being who contacted you. You made a choice to reply, and you replied. That's all it is. It's not going to change the course of history.

 

I couldn't ignore her though. I don't want her to think that I'm being malicious or playing games or whatever, because like you thouse, the thought of her giving up on me and leaving me alone scares me.. she doesn't know that I've gone back to my parents place and I've got a feeling that she will ask to meet up with me this weekend as her exams will be over and her bf will be at work. If she does I don't know whether to reply that I'm at home, ignore her or say something else.. what do you think?

 

Again, you have a "feeling" but it doesn't mean it is going to happen (asking you to meet up with her). Anything can happen. Do you feel ready to see her? If you are too emotional and you won't be able to be yourself, and be as cool, calm and collected as possible, then it's too soon. And it's OK to tell her that. Or just tell her you are busy.

 

In the meantime, keep busy, clean out your closets, go for a long walk, anything to take your mind off trying to figure out what she is going to do. Believe me I KNOW how hard this is. But I am learning it's a waste of time to try to predict the future or someone else's behavior. Just live in the present moment, and try to have a good time while doing so! Smile at everyone you meet and walk with a spring in your step. Fake it till you make it and eventually you'll convince yourself that you are just fine, fine, fine without her!

 

This will put you in a much better place emotionally for reconciliation or for your next relationship.

[thouse]

What if your ex is living with another Man ? for Me I think NC is the only thing to do, agreed ?

Yes, if they have somebody else then yes I would say NC is the only way to go, or atleast let her do all the contacting.

[tushboy]

My EX hasn't contacted me since I initiated NC as we cudn't be just "friends'....I guess that says a lot about where I stand. I am moving on........