maegirl78 Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 My ex and I were together for two years. We were unable to physically be together for reasons I will not go into here (but I am sure you can imagine). And before you judge, the answer is "No, I did not know initially getting into the relationship that he was." In any case, while I absolutely love this man, the relationship began to utterly destroy me for moral reasons, long distance, my needs not being met, etc. Being with him wasn't what hurt me...it was being without him and always being without him. I tried several times to end the relationship, but he always managed to put things into perspective to convince me to keep plucking through...that things would get better. In the end, he told me: "I love you more now than I ever have and I realize it because I can honestly say that I love you enough to let you go. You're unhappy and I can't change that right now. I was selfish in the past in convincing you to stay and wanting you, but now I know this is the greatest gift that I can give you." The best way to describe the situation was a quote I heard in a movie once: "I would rather fight with you than make love to anyone else." What do you think? Do the reasons sound genuine or fabricated - a "its-not-you-its-me" thing? Is it possible to love someone enough to let them go if you think the relationship is turning them into someone they're not? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope75 Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 I'm not sure I understand why you couldn't be together physically ( and I don't understand your 'before you judge answer either).... But if being apart physically was indeed destroying you and making you miserable and there was no foreseeable end to the distance, perhaps a breakup was the kindest thing? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 I think that was a cop out. If he loved you enough, he would have been with you. It sounds like he toyed with your emotions to get his ego stroked and then threw you away. That's not love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caro33 Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 I think it depends on what we are talking about - - If we are talking about impotence and there is nothing anyone could do about it (which is what I initially assumed from your "unable to be together physically") then he's done a thoughtful thing in letting you go. - If we are saying he's married then he should not have talked you into staying but in the end he's done the right thing. - If we are merely talking about the long distance then I think if there was a powerful love there someone would have moved and breaking up was also the right thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maegirl78 Posted January 7, 2008 Author Share Posted January 7, 2008 caro33: We had two of the three scenarios you mentioned and no problems being physically intimate. issues. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caro33 Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 Ah okay. I tend toward the view of Crazyaboutdogs then I guess. To be honest, he sounds like he lacks integrity if it was like that. He may have loved you but actually been incapable of "love" as we would like to imagine it (that is, a genuine and relatively selfless love). I would have to assume you are better off without him, and whether he let you go for the "right" reasons or not, the outcome is still the best one for you... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 If he was married and messing around with you and trying to get you to stay with him...that is selfishness and he just wanted his ego stroked. The fact that he then claimed to love you and that is why he is letting you go, is just a load of BS. He just got tired of the game he was playing...either his wife caught on or he found another plaything who is not long distance. He is giving you a "gift", please...this guy is crap. In another thread you wrote that you started seeing someone else. Good for you...this married loser is full of it and you deserve someone with honesty and integrity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maegirl78 Posted January 7, 2008 Author Share Posted January 7, 2008 Yes, he was married. He led me to believe he was single. I lost my virginity to him at 27 years old. Then, he broke down and confessed he was married. Of course, by that time I had fallen in love with him. I tried to end it...never did...we moved away physically from each other into different states. Tried to maintain a long-distance relationship with occasional visits but in the long-run, I was just completely and totally devastated emotionally, mentally, and spiritually bankrupt because of the moral issues with the situation. I really would never have sought it out in a million years. In any case, I tried to end it multiple times but couldn't stick to my guns and I guess he ended it for me. Though, he claims that he is going to leave the marriage but did not ask me to wait. He said that he hopes I am available when things are complete (around October of this year) and that he hopes that he has the courage to look me up but doesn't want to face rejection if I am involved with someone else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maegirl78 Posted January 7, 2008 Author Share Posted January 7, 2008 I hated to confess that he was married. I feel like I'm branded with the Scarlett Letter for adultery. I've hated myself for this relationship for a long time...and for being weak in ending it. On another note, the guy I went on a date with last night is one of the kindest, most sincere guys I've met. I just hate that I happen to be in emotional limbo right now because I would be devastated to accidentally hurt a man this sincere and nice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caro33 Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 He sounds like a cad, truly. Please do not hold out hope for this one. You will look back on this one day and be absolutely grateful that fate/luck/god (whatever you like) intervened and saved you from yourself. You have to be worth more than someone like this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maegirl78 Posted January 7, 2008 Author Share Posted January 7, 2008 He, himself, has said that I am worth more than this situation and what is able to give me. In fact, I think he threw something like that out during the break-up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caro33 Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 I hated to confess that he was married. I feel like I'm branded with the Scarlett Letter for adultery. I've hated myself for this relationship for a long time...and for being weak in ending it. On another note, the guy I went on a date with last night is one of the kindest, most sincere guys I've met. I just hate that I happen to be in emotional limbo right now because I would be devastated to accidentally hurt a man this sincere and nice. Just take it slowly, look after yourself, and be kind to him. I was with a cad like you were and could not give it up, but moved on to meet the kindest and most loving man I have met. Took me a while to stop worrying about being hurt, but he has not hurt me yet... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JadedStar Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 He, himself, has said that I am worth more than this situation and what is able to give me. In fact, I think he threw something like that out during the break-up. Hon take it from all of us when we say that is another way of saying he is done with this relationship ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 So, he got together with you under false pretenses and continued to cheat on his wife for two years. Now he says his marriage will be over by October (if you can actually believe that) but then says he hopes that he has the courage to look me up but doesn't want to face rejection if I am involved with someone else. Yech, what a coward!! He doesn't want to face rejection and yet by being married to someone else while encouraging your interest, he basically spent the last two years rejecting you. This guy is a creep. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caro33 Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 Hon take it from all of us when we say that is another way of saying he is done with this relationship ... Agreed. The cads say this and while it's true, it's also a well used caddish copout. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope75 Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 If he isn't willing to leave his wife than it's really the only option. You don't sound like you were OK with being the other woman so I think he did you both a favor. He sounds like a real jerk who doesn't love anyone but himself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maegirl78 Posted January 7, 2008 Author Share Posted January 7, 2008 Thanks so much. You have no idea how great it is to hear this from an outside party. My friends and family knew the situation and said the same thing, but they tend to take-on my personal battles as their own. I'm fortunate that they're so protective of me. As for the new guy, he's really sincere and nice. I just hate that we met on the cusp of this other relationship ending. It is going to take some time for me to open up 100% to him because, obviously, I now have trust issues. But, I can't/won't hold him accountable for another man's indiscretions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caro33 Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 Good for you maegirl. You sound like a smart woman, hope you stick around here for a while. At some point in the near future your cad will just be a distant memory... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maegirl78 Posted January 7, 2008 Author Share Posted January 7, 2008 At some point in the near future your cad will just be a distant memory... Better sooner than later... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope75 Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 Just be careful and take it slow... I don't think I'd be ready for a healthy relationship right on the heals of a messy breakup/dysfunctional relationship like the one you just got out of. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skyling Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 Maybe this was posted somewhere else but I'm too lazy to read it all through. If he was willing to cheat on his wife, then once he gets into a relationship with you minues the adultery, what makes you think he won't cheat on you too? I'm not blaming you for doing this, but I don't think it would be the wisest move to continue a relationship with a man who had cheated on his wife to go with after it has ended. If he was a REAL man, he would have had the moral-fiber to keep his friend locked up where it should have been. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carrickfergus Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 Opinion: He might just be holding on to a sinking ship and you are letting him. You know what is best for you better than anyone else and by allowing yourself to be convinced into staying in this relationship means that you are not thinking in the right perspective. Now the cincher, you may believe this will hurt him irrevocably, but you always have to do what is best for you and in the end... Is it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blender Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 It's interesting that he has both himself and you worried about HIM getting hurt at some point? Where was this consideration for you OR for his wife? Trust that if he'd cheat with you, he'd cheat on you. this is a married man, you have learned that it didn't feel "right" to be involved with him, you need to take some time to do some soul searching and discover what your own values and standards are and IF you are going to CHOOSE to live within those values and standards.. and hopefully you will not choose to ever be involved with ANY MAN who CHOOSES to cheat on his wife, no matter if he has a bad marriage or not, he IS married, and it's time for you to forgive yourself for getting involved, to heal, to learn from all this, and to NOT ever repeat the same behavior in the future. Take time BEFORE you start dating again, the new guy you met is innocent, and you are not emotionally ready to be getting invovled with anyone so let him know that and get his number and tell him that when and if you are emotionally ready to date again you will call him.. but that right now you have too many issues, regrets, and heartache you are working through and it wouldn't be fair to involve anyone else before you have a chance to find yourself. As far as his break up speech is concerned once again it's all about him.. he's the 'hero" who "loves you enough".. ugh... don't take anything he says or does personally, in a negative or positive way, that man does what he wants for himself.. he's not thinking of you, or his wife or anyone else but HIM... and I'm sure you weren't the first affair, nor will you be the last.. this guy does not have class, integrity, courage..if he did he would have left his wife BEFORE he involved anyone else... Just think if he was able to go home evey night and face his wife and not ever let her know that he was "with someone else" is that something you respect and admire in a man? She is not deserving of this betrayal no matter what she has done, because he is STILL WITH HER... he's not a very mature, stable, respectful man.. I'm sure you were blinded, flattered, and infatuated by his attention, and he took advantage of your precious heart for HIS OWN needs... just like he does to his wife... and whomever else he will meet in the future.. remember "rejection is god's protection" and FATE is nudging you away from this unsophisticated, unloving, and selfish cheating scenario... you will actually have gratitude in time that you are no longer involved with something you could never be proud of.. so breathe, feel grateful, learn, grow, forgive yourself and take time for yourself BEFORE getting involved again... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jessicake Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 there is no justification for cheating on his wife. if things were so bad at home, then he should have ended it before he moved onto you. if he loved you so much and was so attracted to you, then he should have ended it with his wife before he started dating you. either way, whatever the scenario at home is, he did not need to lie to his wife or you. i am so glad that you are finally seeing the light. congratulations that you are now realising that you need to move on. its so great that you have family and friends who care for you and will help and support you through this breakup. once again, congrats for ending a hazy and unhealthy chapter in your life and starting a new one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maegirl78 Posted January 7, 2008 Author Share Posted January 7, 2008 He has now called me today and wants to "fix things". I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster. Obviously, whether it is right or wrong, I still have feelings for him but deep down, I know I shouldn't go back. I think he is getting scared because he emailed me today about a Christmas gift I gave him that he is returning so that he can give me the money back. (I told him that I wasn't interested in having contact with him over the present and that I'd rather he throw it away than use it as an excuse to contact me. I also told him that I was certain that I would meet someone else who would give me 100% of his time, love and attention without me having to beg for scraps of it like a mongrel dog.) I think the idea of me meeting someone is what has spurned him to call me to "work things out". I think I'm ready to put one foot in front of the other and start moving forward, but just when I'm in the right mindset, he starts calling and pleading for me to give it another shot. I feel so weak. He says all the right things, but actions speak louder than words. I'm like a moth being drawn into a flame even though I know I'm going to get burned. I need some encouragement to put my foot down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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