Would like to have casual SEX over the holidays... what should I know? birth control?

[Lily04]

Hi ENA ... I hope everyone is doing well. I haven't been on this site since Sept. if some people remember me - I was a "regular" on here for quite some time. I just haven't really been needing much relationship advice since then, have been a bit more indpendent in my decision-making abilities which is really great.

 

I am back, however, because I do have some concerns... maybe you can help. After my relationship ended in August, I experimented by dating a bit more and feel a bit more confident around men and not so innocent and... inexperienced as I was before. However, I am still a virgin and recently turned 23 (about 2-3 weeks ago.)

 

I haven't had much sexual experience with men... I've had many opportunities but felt such pressure and the fact that I was inexperienced... I guess I felt very nervous about the whole thing. Then I met some new girl friends and we chatted about it, and I felt more open about sex and not so... scared of it.

 

The thing is... to get to the point, I now feel more confident about my sexuality and want to have sex. Even if it's just a one-night stand... I want to try it. Have fun. I don't feel the pressure and social stigma anymorer of being a virgin so it's not because of that, but I would like to 'have some fun', no-strings-attached type of thing... if I find a loving and caring bf who I can have it with, even better, but chances are that won't happen. I have very high standards and most guys don't appeal to me enough to be in a long-term relationship with. So... I'm thinking maybe some holiday fun wouldn't be so bad.

 

The only thing is... being inexperienced sexually/a virgin, and not knowing much about birth control... is it OK to just use condoms? Or is it more likely that sometthing will screw up? Should I use another form of protection or do you think that is enough if I am just having casual relationships? If anyone can give advice, that would very much be appreciated.

 

Take care and best wishes for '08!

 

Love,

 

Lily

 

(p.s. I would like to add please don't judge me for this - it's just the reality, and as nice as it would be to have a boyfriend and so forth, I am not opposed to having my "first time" with a guy who i find physically very attractive and who I have some chemistry with emotionally, but who I cannot be in a relationship with. I don't think this is such a 'bad thing' despite the stigma some members may attach. It's just a personal choice. thank you.

[BronzedSkin123]

You shouldn't lose your virginity to a one night stand. Bad idea. You should find a guy friend that you've known for awhile and use him as your first time expeirence.

[BronzedSkin123]

Lily, we're both the same age, you are old enough to know that condoms are defintely a must have for casual sex.

[Mysterygirl]

ok ...

 

first i think what you want to do is something you will regret... but now after saying that, you are a grown woman and can make your own decision's regarding your sex life..

 

Even if you were to start taking the birth control pill the pill does not take effect right away. And even if you were on the birth control pill you should still always require the guy to wear a condom (birth control does not prevent STD/STI's).

 

If you and your partner are not experienced with using condoms, Yes something could "screw up".

 

You have come this far in your life being a virgin why not now take the proper steps to ensure your safety and future are not in harmsway.

 

Go and see your doctor and tell him/her .. your doctor will then be able to perscribe for you the proper birth control for you. Go and buy a box of condoms and practise putting one on a banana or something .. to get yourself familiar with it.

 

I still think it's a bad idea and you should wait until Mr. Right comes ... but if you can't wait ... please see your doctor first and do it the right way.

 

Good Luck, and Happy New Year

 

PS ... I think you should be proud of yourself for still having something many of us woman wish we could get back.

If I could do it all over again, I wouldnt have done it with some random guy just to say i did it ... I would have loved to have my first time be with someone who loves me .. it means so much more to make love then to just have sex.

[BronzedSkin123]

Everybody says that they wish they would have saved it for the 'right guy'..but it's not always meant to be that way. For some, the right guy might not come much later in life for some, you mean to tell me you'd wait until you are say 38 to have sex for the first time?? I think not.

[Lily04]

lol, of course everyone is saying exactly what I just said not to, in my p.s.!!

 

Well... the thing is that it takes at least a month for birth control pills to become effective, right? I dont want to wait that long... school starts in a week. Can I just have it with condoms?> I'm scared of a "Jamie Lynne Spears" scenerio happening -- what is the best way to prevent that?

 

I know that condoms are necessary (as one poster said) and that it prevents against most STDs. so I am OK with that. Why is it necessary to be on the pill as well? Or is that just simply added protection... but not absolutely necessary? I guess because I am inexperienced there's greater chances for things to go wrong? maybe i *could* use the morning-after pill as added form of protection..thx so much for the quick responses guys... xo

[Mysterygirl]

Everybody says that they wish they would have saved it for the 'right guy'..but it's not always meant to be that way. For some, the right guy might not come much later in life for some, you mean to tell me you'd wait until you are say 38 to have sex for the first time?? I think not.

 

No but definatly not with some random guy. She is 23 yrs old, most girls are teenagers when they lose theirs and don't really know any better.

 

She should at least wait until she finds someone who is at least a friend and cares about her feelings.

 

Some random guy is not going to care that it is her first time, all he cares about is the fact that he is going to pop some girls cherry. sorry to be so blunt lol but i dont know how else to say it ...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I am with BronzedSkin on this. Lots of people have regretted losing their virginity in a casual encounter. It may seem like a good idea now but when it is over and done with, the regrets will come. I really hope these new girlfriends aren't the ones who put these new ideas in your head. I hope you are not feeling pressure from them to lose your virginity. Maybe all of them have lost it but that doesn't mean you have to lose it as well in order to fit in.

[Lily04]

Everybody says that they wish they would have saved it for the 'right guy'..but it's not always meant to be that way. For some, the right guy might not come much later in life for some, you mean to tell me you'd wait until you are say 38 to have sex for the first time?? I think not.

 

yes, i agree with you 100%... I am 23 years old. I've been attracted to a few guys but nothing materialized... I am usually attracted to older men -- I am attracted to one professor now who is in his early 40s. I think he is attracted to me too, but because of our relationship at the moment it's not possible for us to date... and be in a relationship together. Things like this often arise.. I think when I am in my 30s, more stable in a career and able to meet more mature men, I will have a more fulfilling sex life but for now.. men in their 20s do not appeal to me enough to have anything long-term and so being satisfied merely sexually is enough for me at the moment. That is my reasoning, I hope I did not offend anyone by saying that, it's just the way I feel about this... thanks

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Everybody says that they wish they would have saved it for the 'right guy'..but it's not always meant to be that way. For some, the right guy might not come much later in life for some, you mean to tell me you'd wait until you are say 38 to have sex for the first time?? I think not.

 

Well, if the right guy doesn't come along until 38 and the woman chooses to wait, it will just be very special for her and she won't have the regrets that others have had.

[Mysterygirl]

Hey Lily .. i did not read your PS until after i posted my first post.

 

Girls take Birth control because they do not want to have children and this is the way to go to prevent your body from making babies (maybe someone knows the exact statistics?).

Condoms prevent the guys sperm from going anywhere. But just like anything accidents happen. The condom break or not be used properly.

 

I am only suggesting that you share your first time with someone who is going to care about your feelings and be gentle and considerate.

 

Either way, yes most definatly ALWAYS bring condoms and require him to wear one. Watch him put it on, and every now n then reach your hand down there and feel to make sure it is still on. Guys can be sneaky .. especially at a party drunk.

[BronzedSkin123]

Lily, while you may be inexperienced with the act of sex (techniques etc), it's important that you at least know the pre cautions that you should take if you have sex i know i did when i was a virgin..how can you not know that at 23 yrs old? Condoms and birth control are used in conjuction for added protection..but condoms alone if used properly are very effective.

[Lily04]

Well, if the right guy doesn't come along until 38 and the woman chooses to wait, it will just be very special for her and she won't have the regrets that others have had.

 

lol, seriously keep dreaming. by then the man will be so sexually experienced and shhe will not, it will be hell for both of them. anyway, i didnt really want to enter into this debate....

[BronzedSkin123]

Well, if the right guy doesn't come along until 38 and the woman chooses to wait, it will just be very special for her and she won't have the regrets that others have had.

 

I don't think it's a good decison to wait THAT long, but that's just me.

[Lily04]

Lily, while you may be inexperienced with the act of sex (techniques etc), it's important that you at least know the pre cautions that you should take if you have sex i know i did when i was a virgin..how can you not know that at 23 yrs old? Condoms and birth control are used in conjuction for added protection..but condoms alone if used properly are very effective.

 

i do know a bit about birth control but am not totally certain on it. just wanted to make sure I was 100%... but now i know. thanks.

 

what should i know regarding techniques? any advice on that..? sex experts wanted LOL

[Mysterygirl]

I don't think it's a good decison to wait THAT long, but that's just me.

 

I agree lol ... i am sure she can find someone before then to share her first experience with .. just not some random guy

[Crazyaboutdogs]

lol, seriously keep dreaming. by then the man will be so sexually experienced and shhe will not, it will be hell for both of them. anyway, i didnt really want to enter into this debate....

 

And how would you know it would be hell on both of them...maybe it would actually be quite wonderful...certainly a lot more wonderful than getting naked and banging away with a complete stranger like some kind of porn star.

[Lily04]

I agree lol ... i am sure she can find someone before then to share her first experience with .. just not some random guy

 

to be honest, i'm not so sure... ! Really. I am thinking I'm not really the 'relationship type.' I'm too difficult for most men... i'd rather just have casual relationships at this point -- sex first, see if chemistry and commitment develops later... you never know! take the chance and experiment. if not, no harm done...

[itsallgrand]

Well, on the most superficial level here, the sex is likely to be really bad. Seriously.

 

And, you can use condoms birth control and the whole deal, but there are no guarantees. Since it is casual, the risk increases. There is less care involved overall.

 

To choose the holiday season on top of this, when many people are out drinking and unleashing chaos and pain, that just increases the odds of this being a bad experience. Maybe even one that can last a lifetime.

 

No debate. Only the reality. Casual holiday sex is a rather ugly scene. Take a look around tonight. Look, really watch people.

 

I hope you change your mind.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I don't think it's a good decison to wait THAT long, but that's just me.

 

Well, if Mr. Right doesn't show up then what choice is there...bang some random guy just to get it over with...not smart.

[Lily04]

Well, if Mr. Right doesn't show up then what choice is there...bang some random guy just to get it over with...not smart.

 

why not? I'm 23 years old. I'm practically ancient already. Everyone has sex, talks about it, I have no idea what it is. I'm attracted to guys who I find hot/sexy, why not just go for it and have some enjoyment for a night? let go of my inhibitions and any fears i had surrounding this... there's no other way to gain experience, right? Men like girls with some experience... otherwise she's bound to be not-so-fun and a first time with anyone is not exactly the best experience. i'd like to gain some experience so when I DO find the right guy I can pleasure him as well and know a little bit...hell, my sister is only 18 and already having sex....

[Mysterygirl]

Well, if Mr. Right doesn't show up then what choice is there...bang some random guy just to get it over with...not smart.

 

no but i am sure she has guy friends along the way that would be a little more caring about it then some guy at a party she just met

 

JMO

[Lily04]

no but i am sure she has guy friends along the way that would be a little more caring about it then some guy at a party she just met

 

JMO

 

hmm......but the thing is that most guy friends i have (although they may want to 'do' me) I am not attracted to. physically. or emotionally in that way. we don't have that type of chemistry..........so. the sex is likely to be very, very, bad if we don't have sexual chemistry. you know what I mean? there's only really 1 guy friend i have who i may have had it with.. (I don't have many friends I should also mention...) but he now has a girlfriend. There's another guy I am somewhat friends with -- he lives in another city, we mostly chat on msn, but he's not that hot... not my type. but a nice guy. another guy I just recently met from an online website actually... we're acquaintances, again he's nice, we've chatted a bit and developed a rapport but he's not that hot.... i'd almost rather have it with a hot guy i meet at a club who i have a lot of sexual energy with, than some guy i'm not-so-attracted to, who i've been friends with for a longer while.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Well, I guess if you just view sex as an animal instinct then it is fine to go out and bang random guys or people who you know and have absolutely zero feelings for. Some people are indeed more highly evolved and view sex as an act of love so banging random men or having an FWB arrangement just to get experience would not be an option.

 

Is 23 ancient...absolutely...I guess that means I am prehistoric...I was around when the dinosaurs roamed the earth. Not all men like girls with experience...in fact if you look on these boards, many men are actually repulsed by women who have had one night stands. So as what has happened to many women on this board who once thought like you...then they met who they considered Mr. Right, and Mr. Right was horrified that the person they are with banged lots of random guys just for fun. Also, you shouldn't compete with your sister or with anybody. Sounds to me like you are so insecure within yourself that you think having sex is suddenly going to make all your issues go away....no they won't....if anything, the issues actually get worse...just ask people on this board.

[Lily04]

hmm I dont have time to reply to all of this right now, as I am heading out for NYE... but why do you say "the issues get worse"? Incidentally enough, I still think I struggle with low self-esteem...I dont view sex as ONLY an animal instinct, but I believe if you are having it with someone who you are not in a relationship with, then it is mostly an "animal" activity... it's not out of love, but rather lust. Or at least lust *should* then be involved... which is why i am not so crazy about the idea of having it with a friend who I have no attraction with! At least if you are doing it mainly to gain experience and "have fun" you should have it with someone whose company you can enjoy..sexually.