I Am A Stranger To You

[Toki]

..and I intend it to always be that way except for this.

 

In the past two years of my life I have accomplished a lot compared to the lazy outlook my parents had on me. I'm too sporadic, I never make a plan I typically just wing everything into working. But even if it doesn't it all comes out well in the end.

 

It was all a struggle. Apart from quitting my job and relying on alcohol to kill the boredom of a small town. Ignoring friends, they are just a waste of time anyway and nothing changes here. How many times I stared at the ceiling of my bedroom wondering what else could be out there. But some of the best motivation came from a disturbing loss.

 

Years before..

 

A fellow student who in 7th grade who used to be pick on me and really tease me became my best friend when we were freshmen in high school. How about that. We were inseparable, yup that duo you remember was me and him. For years until we were close to graduating we played guitar together, ran the hallways (literally).

 

It really hit me what a value he was to me then, even more now. And I always think back to when we were walking together to class and he paced beside me and said:

 

"I'm sorry."

 

Of course I asked for what. "All those times I was mean to you back in middle school, I feel bad and I'm sorry about it all."

 

Over time we drifted (more noticeable in the senior year) and realized it when I spotted him out in town and he spoke to me like I was a complete stranger. We were beyond distant, a smile and a nod where a playful yell or shove would of been.

 

I hadn't seen him for a long time after this. I was caught up in all my work (my job). I hadn't kept in touch with anyone other than those I directly had to be around. And even then I wouldn't of been if I had a choice.

 

The distance I was creating was because of a couple of reasons. The betrayal of friends which increase the value of my dear old bully. The lies of girls, and my foolish antics.

 

And all that distance in the world would never spare me from the pain of coming home to have my parents tell me that my best friend had passed away. He was born only 8 days after me. He died at 18 of natural causes.

 

Needless to say I was in disbelief, even at the funeral. This funeral is much different than all the other ones I had ever been too. Not only was I treated like an outcast except for those who truly remembered me. I was dismissed as somebody who truly didn't know him because I wasn't crying as loud. Because I wasn't voicing so much grief I was not close to him.

 

It was like a competition. I sat there and only shed a tear when the preacher came to a close. And I was one of the last ones standing as they closed the casket and had to leave the room so many times. I probably looked foolish to them. But you can't picture your best friend being in a casket for too long.

 

I can't even detail how horrible of an experience this is for me, and I really don't think it has even hit me 2 years later. So many times I drive miles to visit his grave. So apart, so distant - so much regret that I let all my mistakes and grief which became shame be the barrier between us.

 

In my mind he sees me and knows me better than ever. He knows my secrets and my faults. He knows what he means to me, and he knows that I hold his memory dear to my heart.

 

Strangers decked themselves in his memory to win a popularity contest and cast aside those who don't join in.

 

Staring at the ceiling with no more commitments of a job (that I quit) and the loss of many friends that are dead or might as well be. I laid and there. Not a plan in the world. A high school graduate without a plan. Stuck.

 

This is where I consider my start, although I could reflect on many more experiences that led me to such a distant distrust. So many reasons I had to leave.

 

I've had a hard time writing this up as of now, and still consider deleting it all as I add this to the bottom. I write it not for attention but more so I can remember what has led me here. There are reasons I fear I forget many things, I sometimes wonder if I'm left in a link removed. Then again I may not add more to this, but atleast its a start somewhere.