Maree79 Posted December 28, 2007 Share Posted December 28, 2007 I posted here about 3 weeks ago about my boyfriend who broke up with me due to his inability to cope with his depression, it was too much to deal with the relationship of 15 months. Since that dreaded night we have remained friends & I even convinced him to seek therapy. However, every few days my old boyfriend would reemerge & tell me he loves & wants me, & then on the bad days he would tell me he felt like he was giving me false hope. He tells me over & over that he loves me & just needs to fix himself. Today he told me that the therapist wants us to go to No Contact which was like getting hit by a bus. I can't stop crying, I can't work & I just keep replaying the phone call. He still says he loves me. Can someone please tell me why the therapist would advise no contact if he loves me? He was my rock & I am struggling without him, even though this only happened today. In an act of stupidity I went by his house just for the closure of a proper goodbye as the phone conversation was lots of tears from both of us. But there was no answer at the door. I left him a message saying that i don't hate him for this, but that i really just don't understand. His depression is severe & the thought of not knowing if he is ok it too much to bare. He has no-one else in his life to talk to, we saw each other daily....why can't I help him though? I thought I made it better & I guess I was making it worse. Please, someone tell me the benefit of no contact...is it to start the ball rolling on a permanent break up or is it to see if life without me is what he wants? It hurts so much. It has only been a few hours..how do I get to a few days? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen33 Posted December 28, 2007 Share Posted December 28, 2007 He's really depressed and needs to sort his head out which is why he was advised no contact. It doesn't mean forever Maree but this is probably best for both of you at the moment. If you stay in contact then you don't know ifits whether he really wants to or is just needy and thats hell in itself. Also you're around someone who's miserable and that can't be good for you as obviously if someone is miserable around you its not exactly making you feel to good about yourself is it? You want to be happy with someone and them be happy around you. The first few hours and days are hell but all things will pass. Think of other times in your life where it was too much to bear. And you're ok about those times now aren't you? You got through them because you're a really strong woman and you'll handle everything. You're a beautiful and caring person but in a relationship you need to compliment each other and make a happy person even happier. So what you can do now is do some things to care about you. You probably feel totally like things are out of your control right now and that makes it harder, when we haven't got a choice. That feels like rejection and its very hard. If a counsellor feels its best for no contact at the moment and he does too then try to accept that the counsellor probably means for your sake too. You're really important and I believe that things may be worked out but time apart will let him get the help he needs and clear his head and that could be a good thing for you. And for your part in this process why don't you get yourself strong and decide exactly what you want ad think about Maree for a change? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bustertypsy Posted December 28, 2007 Share Posted December 28, 2007 I must say that I am lost as to why the therapist would recommend no contact.To me NC is used by the person who has no choice but to get over a relationship that has not been ended by them.His depression is his problem,not the fact that he loves you.I can't see why going NC with you is going to help his situation. I would seriously question his therapists advice.I would even go as far as to get a second opinion.You are not the problem! If anything,it is your support and understanding that will help your man,and not your absense.Seriously,get a second opinion.I am no therapist,but this does not sound like good advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elveden Posted December 28, 2007 Share Posted December 28, 2007 NC does not have to be a permanent arrangement. People believe too often that feelings and emotions are permanent. They're not. This may be, according to this professional, what both of you need at this point in time. Temporary closure and detatchment from each other while he sorts out his problems. Depression is something which people often say can only be solved by being surrounded by other people. This in my experience is not true. He needs to deal with his depression himself, and reapproach you and the concept of relationships when he has sorted this out. Hope it works out for you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
circi Posted December 28, 2007 Share Posted December 28, 2007 My Ex's therapist told him in 2 sessions that if he wasn't feeling in love with me now that he never would again and recommended he leave me. I truly question these therapists who give advice like that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maree79 Posted December 28, 2007 Author Share Posted December 28, 2007 Thank you all so much. I am pretty much at a loss. I just don't feel in my heart that No Contact is good for his mental state. The one other person he can open up to is leaving in 4 days & if he can't talk to me, then all he has is his therapist & himself. Hell, maybe that is what he needs. I have been trying to respect his wishes, but all the perfect memories come flooding back & I become overwhelmed by desperation. The truly weird thing is, I feel guilty when I have gone one or two minutes without thinking of him....am I crazy? I have never been heartbroken and am 28, i can't imagine life without him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emalkoc Posted December 28, 2007 Share Posted December 28, 2007 My Ex's therapist told him in 2 sessions that if he wasn't feeling in love with me now that he never would again and recommended he leave me. I truly question these therapists who give advice like that. bunch of idiots some good... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maree79 Posted December 28, 2007 Author Share Posted December 28, 2007 New development: He texted me saying that he is so conflicted over this decision & told me i could come by if i want - I went over. He doesn't know whether or not it is the right choice. I suggested that maybe we just not talk for a few days & take it from there. He agreed initially, but my the time I left I asked how many days. He said "I can't deal with that right now". What do I make of that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaNg0s Posted December 28, 2007 Share Posted December 28, 2007 Obviously his therapist thinks that it will be emotionally healthy for him to clear his mind for a while. I think you should leave him be for a couple of days let him sort out his head as his therapist has most probably made him more confused then ever. Soon he should come around and realise that he needs you in his life. I am sure everything will work out but yeah that's why I don't see my therapist any more he never gave me any sound advice all he would do is nod and say how does that make you feel every 10 mins useless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maree79 Posted December 28, 2007 Author Share Posted December 28, 2007 I just got up & feel terrible. Last night was the first night since we met that we didn't exchange goodnights. I hurt so much. I find myself now just waiting for him to make contact, it is agony. I hope he is ok. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ycmanvs Posted December 28, 2007 Share Posted December 28, 2007 He needs to work on his issues. His therapist wants him to focus on therapy and to deal with his emotional problems in a controlled environment. If he has any interaction with you, without the therapist's presense, then the therapist has no control over that situation. I know it will be very difficult for you to let go, but if you want him to get better, you have to let him go through the process alone. If he contacts you, then that is a different story, but you should try to respect his boundaries and not interfere too much while he is going through the initial therapy sessions. After a few months, when he is better, you may be able to resume contact. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clabs Posted December 28, 2007 Share Posted December 28, 2007 Hey Maree I am really sorry you are going through this pain right now and know just how wretched you feel right now. Your boyfriend has been advised to not contact you for both your sake's, as hard and bitter a pill that is to swallow right now. If he doesn't love himself, he won't have any room in his head for any kind of a healthy relationship with you right now. Try to respect his wishes to not contact him - I know, i know - easier said than done. But from your point of view, this will also allow you to give this some time away - and with a bit of time will come clarity - the dust will begin to settle and you will begin to see things more clearly. In situations like this, it is very easy to fall into the trap of focussing on them - what they are doing and what they are thinking. But it is important to not lose sight of you and to give you and your feelings some consideration too. Nobody knows what will happen in the future. Hopefully, he will deal with his depression, and come around. But I think you need to realise that this may not happen. This won't be easy, but you have to take things a day at a time - and you will feel lousy - really lousy. But you will feel better if you give this some time. Take care of yourself hun. Mark Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maree79 Posted December 28, 2007 Author Share Posted December 28, 2007 Thanks Clabs, I am trying so very hard not to contact him...it is killing me. It wasn't us that needed fixing. And it is all very hard to swallow. I fear that no contact is like Out of Sight, Out on Mind. I just want to hold him & help him & the fact that I can't hurts so much. I knew he was getting depressed again & I am kicking myself for not pushing him to get help before he exploded & pushed everyone away & stopped functioning normally. I just want to know he woke up today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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