Do I have another chance or is it all over?

[yo]

Hello All,

 

To cut a long story short, a girl that I was dating for a couple of months dumps me (for reasons that only she knows!!). First she asked me to stop calling her, asked me to tell her whatever I had to via email. She would reply back to my mails and now she's completely stopped contact!

 

In one of the mails I did mention that if she wasn't ready for committment, we could still be friends. She said that we could be really good friends!! and bang she just goes into complete NC. Doesn't reply back to mails, doesn't pick up my calls, doesn't reply back to my text messasges.

 

So, I gave up and went into NC. 3 days later, I just sent her a text message wishing her happy holidays and a safe trip to CA. No Reply.

 

Today, after a week of NC, I called her from my friend's phone coz I knew she wouldn't pick up my calls. She was really really surprised to hear my voice. This is what happened -

 

Me - Hi xxx

 

She - (silence..was surprised maybe)

 

Me - This is YYY, how are you?

 

She - I am busy

 

Me - I knew you didn't want to talk but you are alright, right?

 

She- Yes

 

Me - (Just gave a pause)

 

She - Byee

 

I just felt soo horrible after this!! Felt like I shot myself in the foot. I really wanted to try LC but the whole thing just backfired.

 

I am back to NC now. So, guys do you think I could try calling her up again maybe after a month or two? Do things change or will she still act cold and hostile? Any help would be appreciated. Thank you.

[Veroni]

Read your signature. Over and over again.

 

She didnt give you a reason, or an excuse for her absense. Her cold behavior to you on the phone is indication enough for you that she doesnt want to talk to you. You can do one of two things.....

 

1. Wait around and go over it again and again in your head and torture yourself.

 

2. You can realize that this is her problem, and Get Better, Keep busy, and be a friend to the people who will appreciate it.

[reasonablegirl]

Stop contacting her. You are making it worse and she probably now sees you as desperate and is describing you to her friends as her psycho-stalker ex. Calling her from a friend's phone does not help your cause in the least.

 

Move on with your life and get yourself together. I'd give it 8-12 months before you should even THINK about looking her up again to see where she is at with her life - and don't expect much even then because she has a negative vibe about you right now and it might never go away.

[SarCareBear]

hey "yo"

 

don't worry i had the EXACT same situation happen recently!! dated this girl for a couple months and she ends it cold.

 

of course i tried (one time about a week later) to find out "why" but we couldn't get to the heart of things. then she says to me, "so now what do we talk about?" my answer? "nothing." i told her we couldn't really be friends right then, and i was going to go think about things.

 

i feel that this is the only way. think about it.. they dump us, (mine was my friend for a YEAR first!!) now they can go live without us. i'm even hesitant to simply be cordial... my ex right after the breakup would IM me to ask me dumb questions that she could have got the answers from elsewhere... i only answered about half the time, which about my success with NC haha.. still feel good remembering the IM's i ignored..

 

in your head say GOODBYE, and one life!! there's another girl (or 2 or 3) just around the corner.

[saltandvinegar]

Me - Hi xxx

 

She - (silence..was surprised maybe)

 

Me - This is YYY, how are you?

 

She - I am busy

 

Me - I knew you didn't want to talk but you are alright, right?

 

She- Yes

 

Me - (Just gave a pause)

 

She - Byee

 

I just felt soo horrible after this!! Felt like I shot myself in the foot. I really wanted to try LC but the whole thing just backfired.

 

I am back to NC now. So, guys do you think I could try calling her up again maybe after a month or two? Do things change or will she still act cold and hostile? Any help would be appreciated. Thank you.

 

 

Oh thats awful. I have had that done to me in the past. Pretty much the EXACT conversation. its really cruel. And unnecessary. Look I just think what goes around comes around and she has some serious karma coming to her. She has all the power and no doubt is loving it. Forget her shes not worth it. NCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNNCNC

[yo]

Read your signature. Over and over again.

 

She didnt give you a reason, or an excuse for her absense. Her cold behavior to you on the phone is indication enough for you that she doesnt want to talk to you. You can do one of two things.....

 

1. Wait around and go over it again and again in your head and torture yourself.

 

2. You can realize that this is her problem, and Get Better, Keep busy, and be a friend to the people who will appreciate it.

 

Veroni,

 

I think you are right. This is her problem and there is nothing I can do about it!! I tried my best, put myself down a one too many times. In a way I am happy I called her today. I was actually planning to send her a nice card for her b'day next month! Now, I am definitely not going to do all that.

[yo]

Move on with your life and get yourself together. I'd give it 8-12 months before you should even THINK about looking her up again to see where she is at with her life - and don't expect much even then because she has a negative vibe about you right now and it might never go away.

 

reasonablegirl,

 

So you're saying she's going to be hating me forever!!?? I don't even know what her problem is and I just thought she would be mature enough to talk it out!! Looks like she isn't! She used to call me when the smallest of things would bother her. This is such a big problem and she doesn't even want to talk about it.

[reasonablegirl]

When you have to trick her to answer the phone by calling from someone else's phone, I think there is little chance that she is going to be willing to talk to you about why the relationship ended. And her reaction when you called indicates that she is not comfortable with you and does not want to have anything to do with you. Who knows, in time she may forget this but I doubt it. If her last memories of you are are you tricking her into answering the phone, I don't think she is going to have a positive feeling when she thinks back on her relationship with you.

 

I think it's best for you if you decide she is not worth your time or effort.

[wiser]

I don't even know what her problem is and I just thought she would be mature enough to talk it out!! Looks like she isn't! She used to call me when the smallest of things would bother her. This is such a big problem and she doesn't even want to talk about it.

 

She doesn't want to talk about it because it's not a problem for her. She's over you and has no concern for you whatsoever. Of course she knows you are upset and want some answers. She doesn't want to give you the time of day.

 

That's what you need to fully accept so you can get past her. You don't call people that want nothing to do with you, you don't send them cards, and you definitely don't expect them to give you the courtesy of explaining their feelings to you.

 

It's not going to happen. Very rarely does the "dumpee" get any answers. Sometimes the "dumper" doesn't even know why. She may only know that you weren't "doing it for her" anymore.

[yo]

When you have to trick her to answer the phone by calling from someone else's phone, I think there is little chance that she is going to be willing to talk to you about why the relationship ended. And her reaction when you called indicates that she is not comfortable with you and does not want to have anything to do with you. Who knows, in time she may forget this but I doubt it. If her last memories of you are are you tricking her into answering the phone, I don't think she is going to have a positive feeling when she thinks back on her relationship with you.

 

Is there anything I can do to correct this? maybe send her an email or leave her a voicemail from my phone! This really wasn't my intention! I just thought if she heard my voice once she would atleast talk to me. She didn't even say a proper hi, she didn't even seem happy and she lied through her teeth!!! She didn't even wait for my reply and didn't care about why I called her!

 

This is truly the WORST way any person has treated me so far.

[wiser]

This really wasn't my intention!

 

What IS your intention? She refuses to talk to you, so that's out. I don't see what else you can possibly accomplish if she doesn't want to speak to you anymore.

 

she lied through her teeth!!! She didn't even wait for my reply and didn't care about why I called her!

 

How did she lie? All she said was that she was busy, and "bye"

 

This is truly the WORST way any person has treated me so far.

 

Right. So forget her and move on. Stop dwelling over her. The sooner the better.

[yo]

It's not going to happen. Very rarely does the "dumpee" get any answers. Sometimes the "dumper" doesn't even know why. She may only know that you weren't "doing it for her" anymore.

 

Wiser,

 

I am really not upset about the reasons. Let her have her own reasons.

 

What's bothering me more is that she dumps me and I (dumpee) ask her (dumper) if we can still be friends and she said yes! And then she starts avoiding me!!

 

From what I keep reading on ENA, isn't it the other way around? The dumper wants to be friends with the dumpee?

 

This is soo confusing

[yo]

What IS your intention?

 

My intention was to just talk to her and NOT look like a psycho stalker!

 

 

How did she lie? All she said was that she was busy, and "bye"

 

Well, I was snooping around a lil bit and I could read her posts on an online website. She was chatting with her ex bf the whole morning and the latest post was that she was sitting at home, doing nothing, getting bored!!

 

I know it's wrong to snoop, I shouldn't have done it. And I also know that whatever she said was just an excuse, but that does make her a liar, doesn't it?

 

 

Right. So forget her and move on. Stop dwelling over her. The sooner the better.

 

That's all I can do now...

[wiser]

My intention was to just talk to her and NOT look like a psycho stalker!

 

At this point it is virtually impossible to do that. The act itself will confirm her current belief.

[wiser]

From what I keep reading on ENA, isn't it the other way around? The dumper wants to be friends with the dumpee?

 

No, you have it backwards. The dumper wants to put the dumpee behind them and move on. Oftentimes to their new partner. The dumpee is in shock and denial and tries to grab at anything, even just "friendship".

 

That's exactly what you are trying to do. It's not going to work, for a whole bunch of reasons.

[yo]

No, you have it backwards. The dumper wants to put the dumpee behind them and move on. Oftentimes to their new partner. The dumpee is in shock and denial and tries to grab at anything, even just "friendship".

 

Wow Wiser I had never seen it from this angle.

 

I always believed that the dumpers wanted to keep the dumpees as friends just to feel less guilty and they also needed a puppet whom they could control and fall on if/when things went bad with their new partners.

[wiser]

Wow Wiser I had never seen it from this angle.

 

I always believed that the dumpers wanted to keep the dumpees as friends just to feel less guilty and they also needed a puppet whom they could control and fall on if/when things went bad with their new partners.

 

Not quite. Again, every situation and every person is different. That much said, the dumper will sometimes tell the dumpee that they will remain friends, just to ease the blow to the dumpee and ease their own guilt at the same time.

 

They may even think they mean when they say it, but it rarely happens, because the dumper is really no longer interested in the dumpee, and more often than not they already have a new partner to spend time with.

 

Sometimes they will string the dumpee along as a "backup" in case the new partner doesn't work out, but of course that's no friendship.

[greensleeves]

Is there anything I can do to correct this? maybe send her an email or leave her a voicemail from my phone! This really wasn't my intention! I just thought if she heard my voice once she would atleast talk to me. She didn't even say a proper hi, she didn't even seem happy and she lied through her teeth!!! She didn't even wait for my reply and didn't care about why I called her!

 

This is truly the WORST way any person has treated me so far.

 

 

No....don't email her, don't call her, don't text her, no cards....nothing. It doesn't matter what your intention was, she clearly does not want to hear from you or talk to you. I know it's confusing and hurtful....there are just no answers for behaviour like this, but it happens. Without a doubt, you deserve to know what went wrong, maybe deep inside you already might know if there were problems that should have been addressed. We all want an explanation, or a better explanation when someone lets us go like that and you're right, it is bad treatment. It's not fair, but it happens...to alot of people. Some people give no reason and some people give reasons that make no sense. All you can do is move on and it's a hard thing to do, but it's the ONLY thing you can do. You need to do this for yourself, it's the only way that you can get over this.

[yo]

Yes, this silent treatment is killing me!! I would have taken it if she yelled, screamed her mind out. But, just ignoring someone in this way is plain inhuman!! But, like Wiser pointed out, she's moved on and she doesn't want anything to do with me, she doesn't care about how I feel either.

 

Do dumpers ever think about the dumpees and how badly they treated them or do they just forget about them and move on?

 

Did she treat me soo badly coz it was just a week and a half after she dumped me. Or would she have treated me the same way even if I'd called say 3-4 months later???

[Veroni]

Thanks for the rep vote!

[Lilacs]

Yo, it doesn't seem like you're treating her very well either. She asked you not to call her and you tricked her into answering her phone. She might've disregarded your feelings, but you disregarded her's also. Seriously, do not contact her. NOTHING good will come of it.

[yo]

Thanks for the rep vote!

You're welcome!

[AngryHeart]

yo, I can relate. My BF..well ex...left saying he's "going for a walk" and never came back. I tried to get him back to talk, he wouldn't...said he would see me later and never did. Just flat out ignored me. Obviously I went through the whole texting and calling for a couple of days(well....not ALL day long, lol) and kept asking for an explanation. All I got was "I cannot and will not give you 100% of my attention" What a nice way to end it with someone you apparently love. He done this before, but not for very long and we ended up getting back togther. He then promised me he would never do that again and even told me "I can't do anything else other than promise you. I won't do it again 'cause I love you...if I have a problem I will talk to you about it, I realise I should talk about my feelings more" Haha. Was I demanding all of his attention? No. Was I sometimes needy and did I seem to want to see him more than he did me? Yes. But I was working on it and getting A LOT better, as he himself said. But then again I can't listen to what he says. He later told me he wanted to be friends, and even randomly text me saying "you can text me if you want" blah blah. So the other day I did - saying I'd like to be friends (atlough now I realise I couldn't be really - hurts yoo bad) And he has not replied.

 

Sorry for going off on one about me, but basicaly my point is - I can relate. It is a harsh way to end it with somebody you are meant to care about. And it hurts. It hurts a whollleee lot. I know. We want answers so badly - and we DESERVE them. But we aren't gonna hear what we wanna hear. Like other people have said - sometimes, the ex doesn't even know why themselves. You need to let her go. I'm not saying just stop caring for her - that won't happen. I'm not even saying let go of the hope she will come running back. You keep that hope, have it there...just realise there is abig chance that it WON'T happen. You need to not contact her. I know how hard it is, I really do. But she doesn't wanna speak to you for whatever reason. And neither does my ex. All we can do is walk away, and if they come back and we have worked on our issues, and they prove theyhave worked on there's, or are willing to. GREAT! But it's in there hands now. All we can do is sit back and not bug them. It's cruel how they are treating us, it really is. I gave my ex my everything - I adored him and he knows it. I don't know about your ex, but I believe mine will be carrying a lot of guilt around - and guilt is NOT a nice thing let me tell you! It's likely your ex will too in time. But they AREN'T going to feel and guilt or whatever if we keep contacting them - they will just see that WE are doing something that THEY don't like. And BOOM! WE are seen as the bad guys in their eyes. They want space for whatever reason, and giving it to them means we can't possibly have done anything wrong! You get me?

[yo]

He then promised me he would never do that again and even told me "I can't do anything else other than promise you. I won't do it again 'cause I love you...if I have a problem I will talk to you about it.

 

Something similar happened..one day I was bugged with her, got drunk and just fell asleep. And guess what happens?? I have 4 voice mails and tons of text messages begging me pick up the phone, asking me to talk to her once etc..I felt really really bad the next morning and I apologized profusely and I promised her I won't ever do it again.

 

I didn't expect her to be doing the same now!!! Who knows maybe what goes, comes around and all this could be her getting back at me

 

He later told me he wanted to be friends, and even randomly text me saying "you can text me if you want" blah blah. So the other day I did - saying I'd like to be friends (atlough now I realise I couldn't be really - hurts yoo bad) And he has not replied.

 

The same thing happened here!! She told me in an email that we can start afresh and we could be the best of friends!! And then I send her a friendly email the next day and I don't even get a reply!! then I text her the next day, no reply..I leave her a voicemail after a few days - saying sorry - I thought she was still angry with one of the hate mails that I'd sent her before we broke up. She texted back saying all that stuff didn't bother her and she was busy and she'd email me when she's free and so far i have NOTHING!!!

 

And it really hurts when people say things that they don't mean!! and now this phone conv 2 days back!! She really crushed my happiness, ego and self respect by hanging up on me like that!!! She'd call me whenever she wanted!! at 3 Am, 5 Am and I would still talk to her, console her about whatever was bothering her!! She couldn't sleep, she'd call me, she had bad dreams, she'd call me!! and now when I call, all she says is she's BUSY and hangs up!! I am really really sad

 

But she doesn't wanna speak to you for whatever reason. And neither does my ex. All we can do is walk away, and if they come back and we have worked on our issues, and they prove theyhave worked on there's, or are willing to. GREAT! But it's in there hands now. All we can do is sit back and not bug them. It's cruel how they are treating us, it really is. I gave my ex my everything - I adored him and he knows it. You get me?

 

Yes, I get you. It's all in their hands and I know for a fact that she's not coming back anymore. They never come back!!! So, I just have to heal and move on. I know its cruel..but it's all our fault you know? We are ones who gave them the right to HURT US!! so if at all we have to blame someone, we have to blame ourselves!! And yes, I did give her my eveything, but it looks like it wasn't enough.

[SarCareBear]

 

Yes, I get you. It's all in their hands and I know for a fact that she's not coming back anymore. They never come back!!! So, I just have to heal and move on. I know its cruel..but it's all our fault you know? We are ones who gave them the right to HURT US!! so if at all we have to blame someone, we have to blame ourselves!! And yes, I did give her my eveything, but it looks like it wasn't enough.

 

 

it's not that your everything wasn't enough.. it's just that she didn't WANT your everything.

 

it took me forever to accept that about my ex's when i was younger. but it turns out that that's one of the hardest aspects about relationships - finding someone who LETS you love them. you can love someone around the world and back, but if they're not ready to accept the love and love you back then it's just not worth your time. YOUR time, and YOUR love, are too valuable to waste on someone who cannot appreciate them for WHATEVER reason!