iambrazilian Posted December 19, 2007 Share Posted December 19, 2007 My gf of one year and three months is VERY anti-girly. I always noticed this, but just now it is really really bugging me...She rarely ever wears make-up, makes herself look nice, fixes her hair, or in general care about her appearance. Don't get me wrong, I am not a shallow person, and think this society has its priorities screwed up with all the lipstick marketing that looks the exact same and glamorous clothes etc etc, but my gf could seriously look like an attractive girl and really pretty if only she would put in some effort...is it really necessary to have that ponytail on everyday and look like you just woke up??? I cant help but look at other girls when I am walking around and not think "I could be with someone like that...' I know that sounds horrible but I cant help it! She always uses the cop out of "no time" excuse, but other girls seem to have plenty of time to get ready and look hot, and they are occupied with gym, salon appointments, spending time in tanning, the beach...alll things my gf is NOT occupied with...what gives? Are some girls just naturaly careless? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parsley Posted December 20, 2007 Share Posted December 20, 2007 Just because she doesn't wear make up or go to the gym or get tanned, does NOT mean she's careless! I rarely ever wear make-up, maybe once or twice a month if that. I am not careless about how I look, I just don't see the point in it. My boyfriend says he thinks I'm gorgeous without make-up, when I've just woken up and my hair is all over the place and wearing my pyjamas, he's the only one I'm out to impress, so why bother every day? It makes getting dressed up less special. Not caring about make-up does not make one instantly a tom-boy and 'anti-girly' it just means that there are better things she could be doing in the morning. I'm sorry, I can't help but take a lot of offense to this post...do you not find your girlfriend attractive at all? You say she "could seriously look like an attractive girl and really pretty if only she would put in some effort" I think maybe you need to re-evaluate your priorities or re-evaluate what you want in a girlfriend and this relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
keenan Posted December 20, 2007 Share Posted December 20, 2007 Girls are all accross the spectrum, just like guys. It's nice that she's comfortable in her own skin. That's actually pretty rare. Is she the kind of person who likes clothes and makeup from afar but either feels intimidated or doesn't have the time or money...or is she the kind who generally expresses no interest in shopping & what goes on inside salons? If the former, you could buy her a spa trip for Christmas--maybe just a massage and a pedicure so that she doesn't get freaked out that you dislike her looks and want her to change. This might prompt more visits, however. If the latter, you may need to find another girl. Some just aren't into this stuff, either because they think it's wasteful and socially unhealthy or because they have too many real things going on to worry about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iambrazilian Posted December 20, 2007 Author Share Posted December 20, 2007 she herself doesnt really like her looks...sometimes she will look at a gorgeous girl that every guy is looking at, and say, "How I wish I looked like that or could turn heads..." but then when she gets in really low moods she wants to get in denial by saying, "I'm beautiful, i dont need anyones' approval...' and as bad as this is gonna sound, I do not really find her attractive. Im sorry, I just dont. I love her, we've been together for a while, no one makes me happier and noone is my best friend, and I would be crushed without her, but really, when it comes down to it, physical attraction is not there at all really...emotional and psychological yes, but physical...no at lll... great, ive succeeded in sounding like a jerk... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeckyllNHyde Posted December 20, 2007 Share Posted December 20, 2007 she probably doesn't see a need to get a tan or go to the gym (maybe lazy or just doesn't like it). as for make up... maybe she doesnt need it? i personally dont bother much with the beach, tans or salons. but i i always make sure my hair looks presentable and i dont leave the house much without makeup. does she look nice at least? i dont see much wrong with wanting someone attractive. i think though (reading you other thread about her sexual style in bed) maybe your slowly seeing more and more things which bug you about her? you don't sound like a jerk, it's just your opinion. i think maybe... it's time to see if you even feel you want to be with heR anymore? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alezia Posted December 20, 2007 Share Posted December 20, 2007 Keeping up your looks is very expensive and not everyone has that type of money to invest in themselves. Especially if they are students. Have you ever looked at the price of these things? Although I will agree that exercise is cheap. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smickly Posted December 20, 2007 Share Posted December 20, 2007 She's not being careless, she's making a conscious choice to spend her money and time elsewhere. When she's wistfully wishing she could turn heads like other girls, what she's really thinking is I wish I could have that without the effort. I've gone back and forth from pony tail girl w/o makeup to dolled up girl that turn's head. The attention is fun every once and a while, but the effort & money are not worth it every day. Add that to the fact that I was treated significantly different, I'd take the pony tail over makeup any day... You can't expect her to put forth effort beyond the basics required for hygene, and you should be able to say you are physically attracted to her. Well now that you understand my opinion on the makeup front, here's my advice... Your best option at influencing her behaviour is to positively reinforce it when she does make an effort. A new outfit make sure you notice it, hair down - ditto. Try a special evening, and say you want to play dress up as a couple... show up in a suit w/ flowers and let her know she's stunning... point out other guys checking her out.. (she might just be programmed not to notice) You might not affect everyday behaviour, but you might get her all dolled up once and a while Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted December 20, 2007 Share Posted December 20, 2007 It's all very well people telling you what you should feel but physical attraction is something you either feel or don't feel. You can't manufacture it and the lack of it is not something you should blame yourself for - it's neither shallow nor selfish - it just is. However, I am wondering why you are with her if she had always been like this? It is also interesting that she seems to be making a conscious effort to dress down - perhaps because she doesn't feel able to compete with girls she considers more attractive. Perhaps you could try some positive reinforcement instead of negativity. Try booking a table at an upmarket restaurant or some activity where dressing up is required. Make it an exciting event - one that she will want to attend. Then, when she is dressed up, make it abundantly clear - without going over the top - how attractive she looks. And, no matter what the temptation, don't even glance at any other woman. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted December 20, 2007 Share Posted December 20, 2007 totally agree with dn, 100% Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
woebegone Posted December 20, 2007 Share Posted December 20, 2007 iambrazilian, I don't think you sound like a jerk. I think it's important to both women and men to want to look nice for their partners. I don't mean going over the top either. I agree with the others that she might need a little boost, and a spa trip or nice dinner might help. You say you are not physically attracted to her at all... is this just because of the fact she doesn't put in effort into her looks, or are you just not attracted to her natural looks? I know that if my boyfriend gave up showering/shaving and dressed in sweats everyday, my attraction to him would go down as well... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Atticus90 Posted December 20, 2007 Share Posted December 20, 2007 She might feel that she doesn't need to get all prettied up for you, because she thinks you'll accept her either way. Who knows? It's a complement in a suttle way Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iambrazilian Posted December 20, 2007 Author Share Posted December 20, 2007 It is also interesting that she seems to be making a conscious effort to dress down - perhaps because she doesn't feel able to compete with girls she considers more attractive. OH MY GOD, YES! she says sometimes..."UGH, I hate coming to the cafeteria, cuz I look at all these girls and the guys checking them out and I cant compete with them...they're all so pretty, hot, and toned..." HER EXACT WORDS! but then again, her dad would sometimes say: "[name], dress up and hide alittle, you look too much like a woman" when she was growing up... * * * ? is she supposed to look like a boy??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Atticus90 Posted December 20, 2007 Share Posted December 20, 2007 but then again, her dad would sometimes say: "[name], dress up and hide alittle, you look too much like a woman" when she was growing up... * * * ? is she supposed to look like a boy??? Her dad may of not wanted guys attracted to her, but then again, what father does? lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted December 20, 2007 Share Posted December 20, 2007 hm, maybe her parents gave her the message at some point that looking too womanly was bad. perhaps she was 13 and they didn't want their little girl looking like she was 21. so, they encouraged the tomboy thing. but maybe she is still stuck in that mentality, instead of embracing the fact that she is a woman now? did you grow up in brazil? i know there is great pressure to be blonde and thin and curvy and feminine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pinkelephant Posted December 20, 2007 Share Posted December 20, 2007 yea, she's probably like me then. DN hit it on the head with trying to hide. it's easier than putting yourself out there. she just needs some guidance and possibly help with her self esteem. i used to try until my self esteem took a big dip. then i started to hide my body, stop wearing make up, let me hair tangle, never brush it, etc. i just felt ugly and if i dressed up - i'd feel ridiculous. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iambrazilian Posted December 20, 2007 Author Share Posted December 20, 2007 she was 17 when the father comment came up, lol... and to the other question, Yes, I grew up in Brazil, at the age of 14 I moved to the US Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iambrazilian Posted December 20, 2007 Author Share Posted December 20, 2007 the girls there are simply... O_O Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JadedStar Posted December 20, 2007 Share Posted December 20, 2007 If you are not physically attracted to her then everything else you mentioned means she is just a good friend. I won't beat you up - you know what you are and are not attracted to. i really think you have some compatibility issues here that won't go away on their own. Are you sure she is the one for you? there are many men who would love her as is, do you think you might owe it to you both to maybe move on? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeckyllNHyde Posted December 20, 2007 Share Posted December 20, 2007 Yea and maybe that way you can find someone who will make you happier and whome you will be happy to be with? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RayKay Posted December 20, 2007 Share Posted December 20, 2007 Well, personally there are plenty of things I would rather spend my time on then hair appointments, tanning (bad for you anyway!) and laying on the beach - like studying, running, cycling, spending time with loved ones.... I still care care of myself - don't wear much makeup at all, and hate doing my hair (either down, or up in a ponytail are my two styles!) but I am tidy, clean and certainly don't consider myself "anti-girl". I'll dress up for certain occasions and enjoy it, but if someone expects me to spend my time "looking pretty" they are not right for me! I practice good hygiene of course, I shave, I like painting my nails time to time and all that...but certainly not to be someone I am not. I do what is comfortable for me. Fortunately I have met enough in my lifetime whom find my "style" perfectly suited and attractive to them (some would even prefer I did NOT wear any makeup, but I like to wear it sometimes or even a little bit like mascara and such most days if I am going to work and school and the like...if I am camping of course I could care less and it's a "dressed up weekend" camping if I even take my hair down once during it..lol). Sounds to me like she may 1) not feel comfortable being "girly" either due to preference or how she grew up 2) feel she can't measure up or 3) it just is not her. You may just be incompatible. Nothing says you have to be attracted to what you aren't - but you can't change her into what she isn't either and in that case it might be better to part ways rather than expect her too and always be looking somewhere else. If you want someone whom does all that (beach, salon appts, tanning...) maybe it is time to go different ways so you BOTH can find someone more compatible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iambrazilian Posted December 20, 2007 Author Share Posted December 20, 2007 but the problem is that I want HER! Her personality (well, not all of it lol...), her humor, the way we conncect, the way we hang out, the way "we are"...I know that was cheesy... what the hell, it seems like I love parts of this girl, and other parts I don't...but maybe love > not so much like then? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted December 20, 2007 Share Posted December 20, 2007 have you tried giving her a certificate to a spa for her birthday, or taking her to a show or fancy restaurant like dn said, where she would have to dress up? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaNg0s Posted December 20, 2007 Share Posted December 20, 2007 My ex was like this. She never wore make up wore jeans and band t-shirts all the time and always i mean always walk like a guy lol but not really bad just I don't know how to explain like a guy. At first I hated walking around with her but after a few days I loved the fact that she was not stressing about her makeup not looking right and all that other bull crap. If they wake up in the morning and still look great without no make up thats true beauty. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iambrazilian Posted December 20, 2007 Author Share Posted December 20, 2007 what happened? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocio Posted December 20, 2007 Share Posted December 20, 2007 how much time do you spend putting makeup on in the morning? doing your hair? tripping around in high heels? i don't think it's fair for you to stay with this woman. you need to let her go so she can find someone who is genuinely attracted to her. would you want someone being intimate with you if they weren't attracted to you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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