yellow_sweater Posted December 16, 2007 Share Posted December 16, 2007 You might find out that: --He misses you. --He regrets the way in which he broke up with you. --He regrets hooking up with an ugly girl right after the break-up. --He desperately wants you to be his friend. --Not only does he not want to get back together with you, he does not want to work on making a relationship work. --You do not share the values that you use to believe that you shared. --He is no longer the person that you believed him to be. --He may never have been the person you hoped he was, or could become. --He is dating someone else exclusively, and he is working on building a relationship with her. --He is dating an acquaintance of yours from your college years, who happens to be one of the best friends of one of your closest friends. --That acquaintance is, to put it mildly, a train wreck who is prone to depression and being in bad relationships. --He is drinking just about seven nights a week. --He has started using cocaine--but just "recreationally." After hearing all of the above, you may find yourself working through emotions of feeling in charge, feeling powerless, feeling hopeful, feeling desperately hopeless, feeling angry, and feeling nothing at all. You will probably regret making the contact. After twenty-four hours, you'll realize that your last hope for reconciliation, some sort of pathetic little charcoal ember that you didn't even realize still existed in your heart, is now completely, utterly extinguished. You'll also realize that the soot from charcoal will stain everything with which it comes into contact. You'll recognize that for the silver lining that it is. Hope isn't all it's cracked up to be, emotions are messier than they're reputed to be, but without extinguishing hope and cleaning up the mess, you'll be stuck with a half-dead ember for a heart instead of a blazing bonfire. You'll realize that it's wiser to remain in the dark than to know, it's stronger to find the closure within than seek it without, and that it's more painful to let go of an idealized image than the person himself. So let go of him. Keep the memories for yourself. There's nothing else he can give you. The answers don't exist. And just don't contact him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Censored Posted December 16, 2007 Share Posted December 16, 2007 Wow. Ok then. that's it in a nutshell. Hmmmm. Interesting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cristal Posted December 16, 2007 Share Posted December 16, 2007 Great post! Some of the things that you mentioned, really resonates with me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
delerium6 Posted December 16, 2007 Share Posted December 16, 2007 Mike: Okay, so what if I don't want to give up on her? Rob: You don't call. Mike: But you said I don't call if I wanted to give up on her. Rob: Right. Mike: So I don't call either way? Rob: Right. Mike: So what's the difference? Rob: There is no difference right now. See, Mike, the only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. But you can't do anything to make her want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back. Mike: So the only difference is if I forget about her or just pretend to forget about her? Rob: Right. Mike: Well that sucks. Rob: Yeah, it sucks. Mike: So it's just like a retroactive decision, then? I mean I could, like, forget about her and then when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her? Rob: Right. Although probably more likely the opposite. Mike: What do you mean? Rob: I mean at first you're going to pretend to forget about her, you'll not call her, I don't know, whatever... but then eventually, you really will forget about her. Mike: Well what if she comes back first? Rob: Mmmm... see, that's the thing, is somehow they know not to come back until you really forget. Mike: There's the rub. Rob: There's the rub. (From the 1994 movie "Swingers") Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovemeorleaveme00 Posted December 16, 2007 Share Posted December 16, 2007 MY ex loves this movie!!He even memorized some of the lines..aha!! Now I get it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yellow_sweater Posted December 16, 2007 Author Share Posted December 16, 2007 Delerium- Awesome reference. Yep. YS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AngryHeart Posted December 16, 2007 Share Posted December 16, 2007 Good post. Basicaly the best thing to do iiiiiiiissssss ladies and gentlemen - NOTHING! God I love this site, it's helped so much Delerium - that is awesome! I want to watch that movie now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yellow_sweater Posted December 16, 2007 Author Share Posted December 16, 2007 I can't stop thinking of them together. I can't believe she can make him happy when I couldn't. That makes me feel like a failure. I failed him, I failed us. Facebook status is changed, too. It's so weird to see that "___ is in a relationship with ___." It use to be "___ is in a relationship with Yellow Sweater." Right there, in black and white. There's even a picture of them together at some nice dinner. Happy. Smiling. This really hurts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AngryHeart Posted December 16, 2007 Share Posted December 16, 2007 Please stop looking at his Facebook, sweetheart. I know it's so tempting, but you are just pouring salt into your own wounds...really. You can do it. You have the strength to stop looking. If you need to, delete her...anything you can to heal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yellow_sweater Posted December 17, 2007 Author Share Posted December 17, 2007 Already did. Were alumni of the same university, all three of us, so I can't delete them (they're in my network). I haven't looked since then, and I hadn't looked for a long time (months) before that. I looked on purpose specifically to see it. To believe that it was real. Well, as real as anything on Facebook can be It still SUCKS to know that I'm replaceable. Expendable. Apparently a "dime a dozen." That it was so easy for him to find someone to fill my role. I also HATE the fact that he still has the power to make me feel poorly. He's out of my life, and I recognize that my life is better without him. But even if I recognize that intellectually, it takes a while for the message to get to my heart. YS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AngryHeart Posted December 17, 2007 Share Posted December 17, 2007 You may be replacable to him - but when you find the right man for you, just the thought of that would be absurd to him! 'Cause when you find him, he will know that there is nobody else as great as you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blue_dahlia Posted December 18, 2007 Share Posted December 18, 2007 You'll realize that it's wiser to remain in the dark than to know, it's stronger to find the closure within than seek it without, and that it's more painful to let go of an idealized image than the person himself. This quote is so true. It is wiser to remain in the dark, stronger to seek closure from within. I understand more deeply now what this means. My ex and I broke up six weeks ago, but we have been seeing each other anyway. He recently began dating, and has gone on three dates with this other woman. He wanted to see me last night, and I asked him if he has had sex with anyone else, and he said yes. This crushed me. I don't need to know that he has gone on three dates with anothe woman and that he has slept with her already. I wish I was in the dark still. I wish I didn't ask those questions. THIS is why I initiated NC as of today. First, so that I may heal. Second, so I can't make any stupid mistakes like asking him questions about his dating and sex life, which do nothing but set me back. Three, so that I can leave this relationship with with dignity. Four, so I can take back the power. Five, so he may realize that I'm gone and can feel the insecurity that I have let creep into my head these past six weeks. Good luck to you all, on your quest for a happier you!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yellow_sweater Posted December 18, 2007 Author Share Posted December 18, 2007 THIS is why I initiated NC as of today. First, so that I may heal. Second, so I can't make any stupid mistakes like asking him questions about his dating and sex life, which do nothing but set me back. Three, so that I can leave this relationship with with dignity. Four, so I can take back the power. Five, so he may realize that I'm gone and can feel the insecurity that I have let creep into my head these past six weeks. Good luck to you all, on your quest for a happier you!! It sounds like NC is definitely in your best interest right now. Regardless of what you would say to him, because you are hurting due to his actions, your contact with him, his words to you, will somehow find a way to hurt you more. Good luck with your healing! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buckdawg Posted December 18, 2007 Share Posted December 18, 2007 there's no magic potion to make the pain better unfortunately. it's there, it's real and the only way to move past the pain is to feel the pain. you can try to bury it but it will come back bigger and better than ever. how do we feel the pain? i guess everyone's different but for me it was sobbing like a baby when i felt like it or sometimes i walked around at work with my heart in my shoes putting on the good face for the benefit of everyone else. but while you're also acknowledging it's presense keep in the back of your mind that no matter what, you'll get through this. i'm not saying to fight the hurt with that thought, allow yourself to feel it yet also know that you'll come out on the other side a better person. sorry for the run on paragraph Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yellow_sweater Posted December 19, 2007 Author Share Posted December 19, 2007 I have a really hard time allowing myself to "feel the pain," as you put it. I hate feeling weak, and I really hate feeling vulnerable. It's strange--I cried one night, a few days after the break-up. Since then I've shed a tear here or there, but haven't actually cried since that one time. I think it's because when I'm in pain, I have a tendency to think about the pain, instead of just feel it. It's like when you're practicing yoga, for example. Your left leg feels like it's going to fall off, so (counter-intuitively) you focus on the pain. And then you realize that it's just pain. It's not going to kill you. You separate yourself from the feeling. And then it doesn't hurt anymore. So, yes, what happened to me really hurt me. I "felt the pain" for about a week, really intensely. Then my brain took over. There are still moments when it hurts, but once again, my brain steps in and shows me why, logically, where I am is the best possible outcome for my situation. Literally, I'm better off without that person in my life. Ok, I have NO idea if any of ^that^ made any sense. Maybe it will strike a chord with someone out there... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buckdawg Posted December 19, 2007 Share Posted December 19, 2007 of course we all handle things differently. i'm not actually used to 'feeling' the pain as i've never had a break up like this so i was trying to relate my feelings at the time. i know historically i would act out on it and do destructive things but this time was different. in your case, it sounds to me, like you're handling it in a healthy way. your heart grieved until your brain kicked it in the rear and told it to get going. lol works for me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lugh Posted December 19, 2007 Share Posted December 19, 2007 One of the ways i try to feel the pain is to set aside some time and write, it frees the mind and i type as if i was writing to my ex or talking to her, i just let it flow and its amazing what comes out , everything from love, infantile gibberish to hateful bile. i think its good to vent in this way every so often as emotions are like a pressure cooker , if you dont vent every so often your gonna blow. i burn all my writings and it defintely helps to get it all out. its all part of the healing process. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yellow_sweater Posted December 19, 2007 Author Share Posted December 19, 2007 One of the ways i try to feel the pain is to set aside some time and write, it frees the mind and i type as if i was writing to my ex or talking to her, i just let it flow and its amazing what comes out , everything from love, infantile gibberish to hateful bile. i think its good to vent in this way every so often as emotions are like a pressure cooker , if you dont vent every so often your gonna blow. i burn all my writings and it defintely helps to get it all out. its all part of the healing process. I can't stress enough how much writing has helped me. I have been journaling since I was old enough to hold a pen--literally! I have my journal entries from when my younger sister was born (and all of the insecurities that a new baby brings to an older sibling--"I hate the baby!!"), the entry after my first period (I didn't tell my mother!), after my first kiss, starting high school, when I lost my virginity, going through the quarter-life crisis, falling in love, going through hell--and always coming out the other side. It's an amazing record, and looking back I can see how cathartic it has been. Consider other forms of art and creation, too. Get some clay and let your hands play, see what they make. Put on a piece of music and create a dance. Paint. Draw. It's the one time that I feel safe enough to turn off my mind and "feel the pain"--except I'm not feeling it. It flows from my heart, up my arm, down my wrist, and out onto the paper. And once it's put down in words, I'm safe from the feelings. It doesn't hurt to write. It hurts NOT to write! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buckdawg Posted December 19, 2007 Share Posted December 19, 2007 i need to start... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lugh Posted December 19, 2007 Share Posted December 19, 2007 Do buckdawg im a few years older than you and i wouldnt be into writing at all, the first day i did it it took me 95 mins and 8 full pages and a river of tears, it really wore me out as well, but it def helps, its a big release and lets you get on with your life till you need to vent again. you will be surprised at what your hand will write if you let yourself go. its not easy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buckdawg Posted December 19, 2007 Share Posted December 19, 2007 Do buckdawg im a few years older than you and i wouldnt be into writing at all, the first day i did it it took me 95 mins and 8 full pages and a river of tears, it really wore me out as well, but it def helps, its a big release and lets you get on with your life till you need to vent again. you will be surprised at what your hand will write if you let yourself go. its not easy. i started last year but it got too depressing lol i'll give it another go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yellow_sweater Posted December 19, 2007 Author Share Posted December 19, 2007 If it's too much at first, try something without words. Painting is great, because you can use colors and shapes to express what you're feeling. Paint the entire canvas black, if you need to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buckdawg Posted December 19, 2007 Share Posted December 19, 2007 If it's too much at first, try something without words. Painting is great, because you can use colors and shapes to express what you're feeling. Paint the entire canvas black, if you need to. painting? eh...dunno about that. i'm pretty left brained (or whatever side it is that doesn't paint lol ) and black really isn't my thing. i like being optimistic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simplicity08 Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 Fantastic post. Just wanted to bump it back up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rapunzel Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 Glad this was bumped up. After reading an account of another ENA'er trying to decide whether to break contact or not on the GBT forum, I wondered if I should "contact" my ex. The caveat here is that I see him once a week roughly anyway for work. So we have "contact" (and yes, it can be agonizing) but I have never initiated contact nor tried to reconcile with him, other than a brief conversation we had in early December (he called, initiated the conversation and I brought up the relationship briefly). Reading this post again reminds me that I'll most likely feel much worse if initiate any contact with my ex. It's hard enough that we've never been able to have a period of complete NC since the break up. The longest I think we've gone without seeing each other for work reasons is maybe 2.5 or 3 weeks. I think I'm making progress though. Yesterday I shed one tear as opposed to copious tears the day before. And I'm able to type this with just a "misting." Part of me wrestles with the whole "what if" "you only live once, you'll never know until you try" "maybe he's waiting for a sign from you" "maybe he thinks you're not interested as you've been coping so well". I've had no choice but to cope well. I have to see him and other people in a work context so I put on my brave face and act 'as if'. I've been successful I think in doing this. So I just continue to have faith, pray and trust that eventually this will all be behind me and I'm going to be fine no matter what. Each day I inch closer to acceptance that it is over, he made his decision and there is absolutely no need for me to contact him to be rejected all over again. Phew, thanks for the reminder! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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