thouse Posted December 15, 2007 Share Posted December 15, 2007 My ex contacted me yesterday and we talked for about an hour. For anyone who doesn't know my story, we dated for 4 years when I pushed for committment he ran, told me he didn't want to ruin my life, I had a bright future and felt he would not amount to much. Anyhow I was a mess and so I went into NC for about 2 months to get my emotions under control and get a clear perspective of the situation. I knew NC could not be forever because he is really close with my family and I would eventually have to interact with him and also we had been friends for 15 years so there was no way I could just cut him out. We have been in LC for months now always intiated by him. Fast Forward yesterday he calls and we talk I ask him to come over as we haven't seen each other in a while. He comes over and we end up sleeping together. This is the weird part, "I felt no emotional connection" This is a man I thought I would die without. The whole visit was just strange like normally we have a whole lot to talk about, well last night I had nothing to really say to him he was talking and for the first time I was looking and listening to him for who he really is, and not from a cloud of emotion and I was like What the f@$%!!! How did this get by me, he's so emotionally damaged and for so many different reasons and is not really all that mature for his age (33). After the whole conversation I wasn't really physically attracted at this point, but he wanted me so I literally said to myself "I don't have anything else to do why not" and just as I suspected it wasn't that great and it's because my feelings have changed and I am starting to see things differently. After he said it was unbelievable and I'm thinking to myself "Well where the hell was I" Bottom Line NC worked IN GETTING MYSELF BACK I am actually excited about the next person that I will meet and I wonder how that relationship will be. I haven't felt this good and this free in a long time. I forced myself to get up and get on with life. Though I love him dearly he really is a good person but he's damaged goods and he could never be what I need it just feels good that mind and heart are finally on the same page. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CatsMeeoow Posted December 15, 2007 Share Posted December 15, 2007 I'm glad you are feeling so much better about the situation and seemed to have reached such clarity! Good job for taking care of you!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thouse Posted December 15, 2007 Author Share Posted December 15, 2007 I'm glad you are feeling so much better about the situation and seemed to have reached such clarity! Good job for taking care of you!!!! Yeah on the up side I clarity, but on the downside it really makes me question was I really ever in love with him. I can now see how people can say they don't know if they ever REALLY loved them because most think that if you love someone then you will always have those intense feelings for them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted December 15, 2007 Share Posted December 15, 2007 Oh man. What did you say to him? Does he know all this? He might come calling trying to repeat this situation. I'm glad you are feeling some closure. It doesn't seem weird at all, to me, that you would feel like that after calling him over ! When he said 'yes' and was all for sleeping with you, the man sealed his fate with you forever. You set him up for the fall. lol. I know this is somewhat heavy stuff for you, but I do find that kind of funny. Do you see how it all comes together? Anyhow, congrats on your new freedom! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thouse Posted December 15, 2007 Author Share Posted December 15, 2007 Oh man. What did you say to him? Does he know all this? He might come calling trying to repeat this situation. I'm glad you are feeling some closure. It doesn't seem weird at all, to me, that you would feel like that after calling him over ! When he said 'yes' and was all for sleeping with you, the man sealed his fate with you forever. You set him up for the fall. lol. I know this is somewhat heavy stuff for you, but I do find that kind of funny. Do you see how it all comes together? Anyhow, congrats on your new freedom! No I haven't said anything to him, when he left he hugged me really tight and kissed me and I sent him on his way. As far as trying a repeat of last night I won't say never but I am doubtful that I will even have a desire to be with him physically again. I just did because I figured it could be awhile before I meet someone else (I know that's really bad to say) Anyway you said that it doesn't seem weird to you, it's very shocking to me as I use to live and breathe this man I guess I am missing something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted December 15, 2007 Share Posted December 15, 2007 Well, I don't find it weird bc you did at a time when you were already pretty much over him. And, no offence meant, but my opinion is you basically used him and 'stuck it to him' by sleeping with him...when you didn't even feel it. People, and you too, can disagree, but I see it as a form of punishment and a way to get back at the person. The sex isn't about love. That's my explanation of my point of view, tho it doesn't mean I am right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted December 15, 2007 Share Posted December 15, 2007 Two wrongs don't make a right. Yes, he may be damaged goods but I find it disturbing that the whole evening you knew the connection was gone and you no longer saw him the same way and yet you slept with him anyway because "what the hell, another man might not come around for a while". He may be emotionally messed up and hurt you but clearly the hug at the end showed that he has some feelings for you...hopefully you won't sleep with him again because that would simply be sending the wrong message. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted December 15, 2007 Share Posted December 15, 2007 I agree with Itsallgrand... your line "he hugged me really tight and I sent him on his way" made me feel sad for him but others may disagree x I agree, I feel very sad for him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thouse Posted December 15, 2007 Author Share Posted December 15, 2007 Well, I don't find it weird bc you did at a time when you were already pretty much over him. And, no offence meant, but my opinion is you basically used him and 'stuck it to him' by sleeping with him...when you didn't even feel it. People, and you too, can disagree, but I see it as a form of punishment and a way to get back at the person. The sex isn't about love. That's my explanation of my point of view, tho it doesn't mean I am right. This may be true, but I don't feel sorry for him. I did not call him over there with the intention of sleeping with him he pushed that issue I just went along with it, I just wanted to see him. We slept together and we probably "used each other" for a good time only mine wasn't that great. Lady D don't feel sorry for him I am sure he's not somewhere in a corner crying over it. I am not offended because I feel you both have some merit to what you are saying. In my mind I just said you to myself "You get what you give" So it may have been some sort revenge but I didn't consciously or plan to do it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted December 15, 2007 Share Posted December 15, 2007 This may be true, but I don't feel sorry for him. I did not call him over there with the intention of sleeping with him he pushed that issue I just went along with it, I just wanted to see him. We slept together and we probably "used each other" for a good time only mine wasn't that great. Lady D don't feel sorry for him I am sure he's not somewhere in a corner crying over it. I am not offended because I feel you both have some merit to what you are saying. In my mind I just said you to myself "You get what you give" So it may have been some sort revenge but I didn't consciously or plan to do it. It doesn't matter that you didn't consciously plan it, you were an active participant and didn't stop things from happening. You say you just went along with it...but nobody twisted your arm to go along with it...saying that you didn't initiate it doesn't change the fact that you did what you did. The fact that you don't even feel bad about it...just an "oh well" reaction is very telling. Taking the high road is better than trying to stick it to an ex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thouse Posted December 15, 2007 Author Share Posted December 15, 2007 CrazyAboutDogs, You are right that two wrongs don't make a right, but I don't think I was wrong because I did not plan any of this, if this had been an elaborate scheme of some sort then you and anyone else would have every right in the world to be disturbed by the situation, Yes, while talking to him I was viewing him differently right then, but he pushed the sex issue I was happy just speaking with him. However just because I viewed him differently doesn't mean I don't care about him, so the fact that I felt no connection with him really shocked me, the whole situation shocked me because I would have never thought we would have reached that point. I didn't connect with him, but if he had connected with me wouldn't I have felt that also?? The fact that he hugged me doesn't mean anything really we will probably be hugging tightly for the rest of our lives. We have been friends most of our time on this earth. I don't link that with love, nor do I link the fact that we had sex with he's in love with me because we all know that is not always the case. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thouse Posted December 15, 2007 Author Share Posted December 15, 2007 You just don't sound as if you care about him that much since you write, sounding very blase, oh we used eachother for a good time but mine wasn't that great! x I do care about him and I guess because I really feel good about not being in emotional hell anymore it comes accross that way, if I felt like he would be scarred by what happened then I would probably feel alot worse but the fact that I feel it was sex and not much more then I feel indifferent about all of it. I am very sure it was time when I was chasing after him that he was blase about any contact that we had with each other, but now that I feel good and strong about myself I won't apologize for that. Emotionally I have come a long way and no one fought that battle but me. I understand some may disagree, but that doesn't change how I feel about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sandyv Posted December 15, 2007 Share Posted December 15, 2007 thouse, I don't think you should feel bad at all.... I understand myself what you are feeling. I've never been out of contact long with my ex, he has also been around. The past couple of weeks I'm just not feeling that "in love" stuff that I did before. I don't know why the change has occurred but I'm very glad it has. Somehow reality must set in and you begin to see things and people in a more realistic light I guess? I say all the power to you! Sandy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thouse Posted December 15, 2007 Author Share Posted December 15, 2007 thouse, I don't think you should feel bad at all.... I understand myself what you are feeling. I've never been out of contact long with my ex, he has also been around. The past couple of weeks I'm just not feeling that "in love" stuff that I did before. I don't know why the change has occurred but I'm very glad it has. Somehow reality must set in and you begin to see things and people in a more realistic light I guess? I say all the power to you! Sandy I guess you articulate it better than me. We have always been in some sort of contact. Yeah I did NC for two months, but anytime I went to see my family for a party or whatever he was there, if this had been a situation where we had been apart 6 months and he came over all lovestruck and we had sex and I knew I felt the way I did then I probably would feel different, but this is not that type of situation. I feel good because I know he doesn't have that hold on me anymore, when he had the hold then the situations were very much reversed and I would be on here posting how "I have been crying all day at work" and believe me he was blase about it. I have just reached a point that he was already at and I am excited about it. Thanks for understanding eventhough I may have worded it wrong, but I will not apologize because no one knows the agony I have been through but me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sandyv Posted December 15, 2007 Share Posted December 15, 2007 No, I agree.... NEVER apologize.... I too, couldn't see straight at one point and was totally devasted wondering about the relationship between him and myself. I was to the point a couple of months ago, that I was here on ENA close to a breakdown emotionally because I couldn't let him go. Somehow .... and I don't know how, reality has struck me, like a bolt of lightening almost, and I feel rather hollow as far as my feelings towards him at this point, and I too, am glad. I'm also wondering if I ever truly loved him or maybe just the idea of him, who knows, all I know is that we are both in a better place! Sandy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovemeorleaveme00 Posted December 15, 2007 Share Posted December 15, 2007 Hey dont feel bad.It happened to me.After 6 months of not seeing each other but LC I asked him out to dinner and he came over ,talked and I became his dinner! All I wanted was to 'talk'.I enjoyed it though and I know he did too because he called again weeks later for another round but It was very late and I rejected him.I know he didnt take that too well..I was chasing after him and I was imagining alot about how sweet its going to be on our first encounter but It didnt turn out the way I wanted it.Second time I rejected him, he ignored me again I knew I have to let go now.During the first,he said some things that now makes me think he was feeling the way I was feeling but of course he was too macho to admit it but I felt it that night.WE were both lonely and it was like when we first did it.It was a nostalgic moment..two emotionally wrecked people meet up and wham bam! I feel a lot better now because of that re-encounter.It helped me.I think it brought some sense of closure and I know I will be fine.Maybe thats how you felt.Now its been 3 weeks of NC and I feel great although sometimes I feel lonely and sad but only for a few minutes and I snap out of it right away! I found this on a christian carter's book: Actively chasing a man is like salmon trying to swim upstream.You struggle and truggle to get to your destination but when you arrive,the ods are that you won't even survive or stay around to enjoy the view... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovemeorleaveme00 Posted December 15, 2007 Share Posted December 15, 2007 sorry about the spellings.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thouse Posted December 15, 2007 Author Share Posted December 15, 2007 That's what's weird to me, I had this fanstasy of what is was going to be like when it happened again, and then when it did I felt nothing. Normally I would be all cuddled up next to him but I just turned over. This is something I would never thought would happen, and this is how I know I'm over it. I needed this to just see how I felt and where I stood with this whole thing, and finally I don't come out of this feeling like crap. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovemeorleaveme00 Posted December 15, 2007 Share Posted December 15, 2007 I think it happens because when we are missing them ,we are so love sick and all we want is another chance to see them again.I felt so depressed that I was wondering why am I the one only feeling this way..we are so emotionally wrecked and we see them and there it is ..it wasnt just us?? anyway,Im just trying to share.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovemeorleaveme00 Posted December 15, 2007 Share Posted December 15, 2007 That's what's weird to me, I had this fanstasy of what is was going to be like when it happened again, and then when it did I felt nothing. Normally I would be all cuddled up next to him but I just turned over. This is something I would never thought would happen, and this is how I know I'm over it. I needed this to just see how I felt and where I stood with this whole thing, and finally I don't come out of this feeling like crap. It validated something..you know that he's still very attracted to you thats why he still wanted to be physically with you..I read somewhere that people break up because they lose the attraction.The rest of the problems are secondary.people stick together despite of big issues because there is still attraction...so I think some men comeback for that...if not they will be disgusted and disappear.Ive seen some guys who were so disgusted with their EX's before..so boy..arent we gorgeous???anyway,whatever it is...let's be happy! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thouse Posted December 15, 2007 Author Share Posted December 15, 2007 It validated something..you know that he's still very attracted to you thats why he still wanted to be physically with you..I read somewhere that people break up because they lose the attraction.The rest of the problems are secondary.people stick together despite of big issues because there is still attraction...so I think some men comeback for that...if not they will be disgusted and disappear.Ive seen some guys who were so disgusted with their EX's before..so boy..arent we gorgeous???anyway,whatever it is...let's be happy! I know that he is physically attracted to me that was not an issue, and he even tells me that he loves me, he feels that he is not any good for me. He is not emotionally mature and have views that don't coincide with mine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted December 15, 2007 Share Posted December 15, 2007 Good for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovemeorleaveme00 Posted December 15, 2007 Share Posted December 15, 2007 same here..!good for you!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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