The open journal of a confined world

[lust4life]

My world is confined to the same places, people, & activities on a day to day basis. My life is best described as stagnant. I'm no longer learning, growing, or experiencing. I have no one to blame but myself...my lack of self confidence, my sometimes rational sometimes irrational guilt, my fear of change. Motivation is there but...yea.

 

I managed to make some huge changes about a year & a half ago that include:

no longer partying 'hard'

ending some friendships

taking a break from a good college(after pretty much failing)

breaking up with my then boyfriend

moving in with my grandparents

quitting my old job

trying to think positively instead of negative all the time(Also known as pulling myself out of depression. My new bf helped me significantly with this)

attempting to be more self confident & find my true self & what I really wanted to do with my life

deciding to begin a relationship with a true friend & good guy

...WOW.

 

It was an awful time period for me then, although all these things had to happen for me to grow, learn & take a step forward. It was progress. Awful, miserable, sometimes incomplete progress with change in tow. I've become a better person because of these things...but I gotta be honest, I hated my life during the change.

 

In addition, I realized (after 20 years) that because of a certain traumatic experience when I was 3 I have come to always expect the worst scenarios to happen to me. It was such a huge lightbulb moment for me, but where do I go from there? I have a spot light shined on a parasite that's come to call me home & I had come to call it comfort...or being "prepared". Prepared so that when the worst scenario does happen, it doesn't surprise me or hurt me.

 

Finally, another hurdle to change is that so many of the people that I interact with depend on me soooo much. It makes me feel guilty for wanting to leave & do something great with my life.

For example, I live with my grandparents who rely on me to help them constantly & also be there to keep them company. My mom relies on me to talk to my brother about things like school, his future, girls...I'm his older sister!! I help her with chores as well, and keep her company. I feel like I have to be there at all times for my brother because my mom isn't. My boyfriend relies on me to help him with his responsibilities. He's also currently trying to break a computer game addiction that I'm helping him with. It's quite overwhelming sometimes.......like I'd ever admit it.

 

Guilt & fear. My cage & lock. I love being a creature of habit, yet I yearn to be able to take another step forward. I'm sick & tired of being here, in this rut, I want to do something honorable & worthwhile with my life...

 

what a rut. & I thought I'd come so far.

 

til next time thanks.

[lust4life]

Haha alright, to all those who read through yesterday's entry/RANT thanks. I'd been bottling that in for quite some time & thought that this was a good way to kind of talk to someone about it. I guess it worked because I feel a little better now.

 

So what's new...

My grandparents got home last night from their day trip to DC. So jealous. I love walking through all the museums & monuments, just walking around the beautiful architecture is great. I have to confess, I lovelovelove history & art. They got to tour the White House, & said they had a great time even with the weather being so crappy here. I've never been in there yet, so that'll go on my things to do list. Word of advice though: get home from DC before it gets dark. Other than that I've had all positive experiences there & it's an awesome place to visit.

 

Wanting to get away for a day...

I've actually been thinking about going hiking somewhere soon before it gets freezing cold outside. More specifically, the Gettysburg battlefields for a day. Great scenery, great history, yeah..my kind of day. Puts me in a great mood just thinking about it. Well, that combined with the up beat music I'm listening to: Basshunter. Oh techno, such a love-hate relationship.

 

My boyfriend's supposed to bring me lunch today (such a sweetheart) with "something special". Maybe the chocolate cheesecake I was craving two nights ago? I'm hopeful.

I guess I can be included in those successful relationship stories.(knock on wood). Crazy to think, as it started out as something that wasn't supposed to be, & was never meant to last.

In all honesty J was my 'affair'(just a kiss & I wanted to die for doing that), although my former boyfriend & I were all but done with each other. We broke up a few days later. J was a back-up, a life boat as I've heard others here call it. Love's crazy I swear. Before I even had my ex boyfriend someone gave me some awesome advice that rang true 100% in my life: Love will find you when you're not looking for it. I was like yea, that's easy for you to say because you have your love. BUT when I first met J, I had a boyfriend & wasn't interested in making friends. He somehow managed to make me consider him as a good friend...& yea lol. *Re-reads what I wrote* & I just became a babbling love struck dork for 2 min, nice.

 

Back to the lovely issue..

As far as that step towards change that I struggle with...another reason I thought about for not wanting to take that first step forward is that I don't know what I want to do...at all.

I'm interested in so many things, as learning in general interests me. Some possible choices include: joining the Air Force-specialize in mental health, or college to become a Police Detective, psychiatrist, graphic designer.....oye...so hopelessly random.

I do know I want my job to be one that helps people in some way & that is honorable.

 

Well, that's about all for today I guess. Going to sit here waiting for calls at my job, then go home, eat, clean, sleep. Exciting I know. I have off tomorrow however, so maybe something exciting will happen then. At least I know I'll be able to catch Dr.Phil with my grandma lol. (She loves it when I watch her shows with her even though I'm 'all grown up') Oh Gran.