Depression

[Maree79]

My boyfriend broke up with me 9 days ago. We were so perfect for each other, but depression overtook him - he had been battling it for a while, and he finally snapped. He says he loves me & he misses me, just can't do a relationship anymore. He stresses over & over that I did nothing wrong & apologizes for hurting me every chance he gets.

 

We had been together for 15 magical months & I supported him through is ups & downs. He always told me that I made those dark hours better.

 

We have remained in contact over the last 9 days, mostly because I am so terrified about his mental state. However, we haven't seen each other. I feel like he is reaching out to me, he text messaged me last night at 3am, he was on a major downer & I think just needed to tell someone. But he seems to be getting worse.

 

I really don't know what to do. There are times when he is so low that I just want to drive over there & hold him. But he doesn't want to see me.

 

I have such turmoil. I am completely heartbroken to the point that I am lost. I have lost a lot of weight & rarely sleep. Is it right to remain friends to help him through this? It is hurting me so much & I worry that it is hurting him more too by remaining in contact. But there are times when he is making the contact. And although I am trying to remain strong for him, he knows how bad I am doing as well.

 

I finally convinced him to see a therapist to deal with his depression. I know I shouldn't think that when/if he gets through this he will want to be more than friends, but I can't help but have hope. I just don't get it. Why did he push me away? I really believed he was the one & he would always tell me how deeply he loved me & that we will be together forever. And then, one day, he takes it away. I cry every few hours, it hurts so much.

 

I would really appreciate all your advise.

 

Thank you.

[Karen33]

I think you should stop worrying about him and make sure you're ok. I know exactly what you're going through and I feel like I've been hit by a bus. Right now its you who needs the care. Him texting you is only doing your head in.

 

Cut him off. However upset he is he isn't near as upset as you are and he's not reaching out to you at all, he's trying to guage your misery. Because he's selfish. You sound like a lovely girl and very caring and so you deserve alot better than him. Give him the shock he needs by telling him to stop contacting you and then start thinking about you xx

[samross]

maree79

 

I just caught your posting as I was scanning through ENA. I have depression and I just watned to tell you that if he has 'major' depression (and that's how it sounds based on yourposting) there is almost nothing you can do to 'bring him out of it'. Having said that, it is a very positive sign that he is going to a therapist!! Is he on medication? If not then he more than likely needs to be. Some people say they can get through depression without meds but in my experience that is whistling in the dark. I know when I have a major depressive episode it is dibilitating. I've sat in a chair and just stared for over an hour. I go to a physician and have had counciling and it has worked wonders for me. Even during the depressive stages I still felt love but I had no desire to get up and do anything about it. Depression is such a terrible disease. But you don't have to suffer.

 

Him pushing you away can be typical of depression. It is so hard to describe to someone that doesn't have it. Most people think it means extreme sadness but that usually isn't how it feels. You can have episodes where you do feel incredible sadness and you cry a lot but more often than not it is just a feeling that comes over you (it may or may not have to be 'triggered' by anything) that engulfs you. You don't want to be around anyone, you shove people that love you away, you might start feeling like you friends would be better off if they didn't have to put up with you. If you look at my postings you'll see it is a critical part of the problmes in my life.

 

I would hang in there. The only way I would tell you to walk away is if his behaviour starts to bring YOU down into depression. Or if his behaviour starts to become aggressive, etc. You don't need to be around someone like that when they are going through it. I've never been that bad but I know there are cases where it can be. The steps he's taking are a very good sign. Tell him not to feel like he's nuts because he's not. It's actually a lot more common than people realize. But the help they can get is so good it's foolish to pass it up. Feel free to PM anytime. I try to respond within a day or so depending on my schedule.

 

Keep in mind, based on what you are telling me, he's not taking anything away. The depression is. ANd when you talk about how it is affecting you, it might do you (and him) a world of good for YOU to talk to a councilor also. Not becasue you are having problems but it will help you deal with someone that is. God bless you. Let me know how things go.

[sara-pezzini]

i am so sorry for the both of you!!

depression is so very hard to deal with...

some people having a depression push away the ones they love the most...

my boyfriend suffers from depression too and first he cut of everything between us,but realized he didn't want to be without me...now he has these periods where he doesn't want,and can't have contact at all,not just with me,he then cuts everyone out of his live,temporarily..

i've always been there for him and understand where this comes from,a lot has to do with an abusive past...so in these periods which are always in the spring and the fall,i give him his space,and when he feels better he comes to me again..giving him this space has made him trust me and love me even more.

i don't know if this would work for you both too,because it is not an easy thing to do

it is very difficult,being the partner of someone depressed,because everything basically revolves around them and their moods,i have chosen this road but it is not something i would recommend,you have to be a very strong person to not let it affect you.

for me,i use the times apart to work on myself,keep busy,exercise,do fun things with friends and family...to recharge the battery sort of...

but the good periods are much longer then the bad periods,and when it's good it is very good!!!

so i would say do what feels right for you,you know him,you know the situation,you know your own character,can you deal with this or not...because the road will be long and difficult.

if you feel you can and you feel he is worth it,then yes stay friends,be there for him,not to win him back but to genuinly help and support him,and then later who knows?

but know that it will always come back...i don't think it can cure fully...he can seek therapy,and maybe medication,and be reasonably well,but if something ever happens,loss of a job or dealing with death or other stress situations,might bring the depression back.

he still seeks contact with you,so maybe he leans on you for support,if you feel you can be there for him,then okay,but if you think it will be too hard,it's better to end it now,before he becomes more dependent on you.

hope this helps at all......

take care and a big hug!!!i know what you are going through!!!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think you should stop worrying about him and make sure you're ok. I know exactly what you're going through and I feel like I've been hit by a bus. Right now its you who needs the care. Him texting you is only doing your head in.

 

Cut him off. However upset he is he isn't near as upset as you are and he's not reaching out to you at all, he's trying to guage your misery. Because he's selfish. You sound like a lovely girl and very caring and so you deserve alot better than him. Give him the shock he needs by telling him to stop contacting you and then start thinking about you xx

 

 

This would be good advice if it was a normal breakup, but he broke up due to his severe depression. In other words, he can't even deal with himself let alone another person. This is not the guy being deliberately selfish...he just can't cope with his life right now.

 

Try to put the relationship out of your head right now...he can't focus on loving you right now because he doesn't even love himself. All his energy right now is devoted to just trying to get through each day. If he wants to talk, let him talk...just be there for him like you would any friend who was in trouble.

[Maree79]

Crazyaboutdogs

 

That makes so much sense. He really doesn't love himself right now. I feel it is right to be there as a friend. Let him know that my phone is always on, my computer is always on & my door is always open. But to also get it straight in my head that we are just friends, which is so very difficult to swallow. He really is my best friend & I want him alive & well more than I want him to be my boyfriend.

[Bisby]

A person has to want to help themselves. The best you can do is to try and provide support in helping him to find his own way to a happier healthier life (therapy, support group, medication, etc...). Although saldy, you can't make him walk that path. He will need to do that for himself.

 

I would certainly suggest that you take time to help yourself as well. It sounds like you have been pulled in to his depression and it is adversely affecting you. Nothing wrong with helping him, but don't forget your own well being in all of this.

 

He is lucky to have some one such as yourself during such a rough patch in his life. Good luck to you and to him!

[wiser]

The right dose of antidepressant medications could do wonders for your boyfriend. I'm no stranger to depression, I've had 3 periods in my life that could be classified as "major", although I never missed a day of work.

 

The current low dose of effexor is doing wonders to keep me afloat as I deal with a horrific divorce situation.

 

As long as you are still in the role of supportive friend, why dont you suggest to him that he see an MD and get something Rxd for him. You dont state his age but if he is a minor than maybe share this information with whoever is legally responsible for him.

[Maree79]

Thank you all for your help. It really helped me get through the day.

 

He called today & wanted to see me. I went by as a friend. He looks terrible. He held my hand & we talked. Just kept it friendly. I really don't think he knows what he wants, so I have decided the best thing to do is to be his shoulder right now & not pressure the relationship. He has his first session with a therapist in a few days...we will take it from there.

 

I have never seen him like this & it really frightens me.

 

Nairobin - I am so sorry about your divorce. I can't even imagine. Stay strong. I agree that medication may be needed, he has been low before but this time he isn't lifting back up.