Loss of Attraction

[GT7212]

Hello all. Great site here for many different reasons.

 

Here is my current situation:

 

I'm 25 yrs old ... been with this girl for about 2 years. We met through mutual friends and she came after me, and I mean really hard. We got together and its been a great 2 years, lots of good times and most importantly trust.

 

She recently broke up with me 2 weeks ago.

 

She's given me a few reasons as to why she doesn't want to be together at the moment, some of which I have a hard time grasping. First, she feels that I do not find her attractive anymore. This girl is super hot, I brush htis one off b/c I'm very attracted to her. Secondly, she feels I spends enough time with her b/c of my job (I work 4 10 hour days ... 7am-5:30pm). I can understand this b/c I do have responsibilities but as much as I would love to just spend all my time with her, I cannot and it kills me everyday. Lastly, she has lost sexual/physical attraction for me. This is the one I cannot understand ... how does it just disappear?

 

After not speaking since the breakup, we hung out all night wednesday and thursday. On wednesday night, she told me there is another guy, someone she finds has a very attractive face but she has no desire to get into a relationship with him. I believe her attraction to this person has caused her to lose physical attraction to me. Anyhow, she told me she misses me and wants to reconsider the relationship but just doesn't know what she wants. On wednesday night, we start getting intimate but during the middle of it, she stops and doesn't want to continue b/c she felt awkward with there being no physical attraction for me. I was understanding and told her I accepted that but wanted to know what she wanted to do.

 

She says she wants to get the physical attraction back but doesn't want to make out until its there. I mean it's there or it's not and I'm not going to force her to change her feelings. We both love each other very much and are willing to try to get things back to normal. She is still very emotionally attracted to me and the thought of another girl hitting on me drives her crazy. I just don't know what to do b/c I know there's this other guy that she thinks is attractive but she has no desire to get into a relationship with him. He has caused her to lose physical attraction for me and I don't know if it's possible for her to get it back despite her telling me she wants to. All I know is it will never happen if she doesn't stop hanging out with him during the time we're not together.

 

So what do I do? My mind is set on not calling her or answering calls / text messages until I know she wants me back and that physical attraction is there. I have not gotten less attractive by any means since the day we met, if anything, I look better than ever. She just doesn't know why its not there, but yet the emotional attraction is very strong. Do I need to just forget this girl or try to make her miss me? This other guy has me concerned although she has specifically said she doesn't want to get into a relationship with him. Any kind words or advice would be greatly appreciated.

[DivineNess]

you should just let her be for now and not try to contact her. NC is a good idea. she needs time to sort out her feelings. she may realize she misses you after some time apart and want to be with you again or she may realize that your relationship has run its course and its time to move on.

[DivineNess]

oh i have to expand on what i said. she probably wants to see how things will go with this other guy as well

[rocio]

She sounds manipulative and insensitive. I'd make a run for it.

[servedcold]

She's using excuses to justify an impulsive attraction to another man and make herself feel better. It's all about the other guy and her infatuation, not about you. The "reasons" she gives subtly switch the blame to you, though. This is immature, selfish and manipulative. IMO, it's time for you to move on from this one, as there is absolutely nothing you can do to change things in these situations unless you are totally gone from her life and she realizes what she lost. This kind of realization almost never happens overnight, and won't happen when you are still giving her any kind of support. Best wishes.

[GT7212]

Thanks for all the replies. It's great to hear the opinion of others on this situation. Believe me, I think about just walking away everyday, but it's hard to when you care about someone so much. These forums will hopefully give me some advice and closure to help me think positively and move forward.

 

I will elaborate some more on this entire situation and explain what I've been dealing with.

 

This girl is 27 and has a very sweet personality. She's been very caring in the past but there's times that I feel she doesn't empathize well with others, and does not realize some of the things she says/does will hurt another feelings. Not saying that she does it purpose, she just does it. I guess insensitive is a great word to describe her.

 

Also, she suffers from a panic disorder, which I have always been there to comfort her through. A lot of what's happened in her life has much to do with the anxiety. She lost her mother at 10 and was raised by a father who did not really offer much emotional support. She was brought up primarily by her grandmother who passed when she was 23. That was devastating to her and I feel she finds it hard to get close to anyone since everyone she's been close is gone.

 

In the 2 years we've been together, we got close very fast, and have lived with each other for over a year. Sometimes I feel that it's caused us to smother each other, but then again, I work 10 hours a day so we usually spend our weekends with each other. The breakup was very sudden and unexpected because the week before thanksgiving, everything was great in the relationship.

 

She has always spoken very highly of me to her friends and family, often saying that she wants to marry me but I haven't asked the question yet. Just 3 weeks ago, we were all at a restuarant eating with friends and she kept going on and on to her friends how great of a guy I was and stating all the good qualities about me that she likes.

 

All this changed suddenly the Saturday after Thanksgiving when she said she did not want to date anymore. In my mind, I feel that her attraction for this other guy has made her lose physical attraction for me and forget everything we've been through. She says I offer her everything she's ever wanted in a guy but just doesn't know why she's not physically attracted to me anymore.

 

In the two nights we spent with each other after the breakup, she's been giving me a lot of mixed messages. Some of the things she has said that have caught my attention are:

 

- "There's still a chance that we get back together. You have nothing to worry about this other guy. I just think he's got a cute face"

 

- "If another girl hits on you, I think I'm gonna scream"

 

- "Make me miss you." ... when I say i'm not gonna come around or call her, she says I want you still hang out with me. .. contradicting right??

 

I find it very hard to not be there for her. She's like a best friend to me and often times, her anxiety causes me to feel sorry and be there to comfort her. I know I need to just stop providing any type of support whatsoever and let her realize what she had. I'm a man with pride and won't tolerate any type of disrespect. Does anyone think this relationship is salvageable? Can physical attraction just come back over time from not being with one another? As much as I want to just walk away, I feel she wants to still hang on to me but not provide the benefits of relationship. We have broken up a few times before, only to get back together when she calls me crying saying she misses me. I think NC is the only route now and the physical attraction is something thats gotta come back to her. I won't try to change her feelings or force it because that's not going to help the situation. It has to be a powerful feeling (the non-attraction) if she's willing to be upfront with me about it. I care so much for her, and she's still very emotionally attracted to me but I can't keep letting her toy with my emotions. Take the NC route? Do you concur?

[tylercdurden2004]

I think shes giving you excuses. Maybe I am not understanding but she has said she doesnt want to make out with you until she feels you are attracted to her?

[GT7212]

She doesn't want to make out until she gets back that physical attraction to ME. I'm very attracte to her and always displayed me affection for her but all of sudden her physical attraction to me is not there.

 

I asked her what she wants to do and the answer was: "I want to have that physical attractino for you again."

 

She admits I'm a very attractive man, as does her friends...but she just doesn't know why that attraction is gone.

[tylercdurden2004]

She doesn't want to make out until she gets back that physical attraction to ME. I'm very attracte to her and always displayed me affection for her but all of sudden her physical attraction to me is not there.

 

I asked her what she wants to do and the answer was: "I want to have that physical attractino for you again."

 

She admits I'm a very attractive man, as does her friends...but she just doesn't know why that attraction is gone.

 

Ok attractive and attraction are 2 different things. Despite how attractive you are and woman may or may not feel attracted to you. My guess is you have been a bit of a pushover with her and she has lost that attraction to you. Are you playful with her? Do you seduce her?

[tylercdurden2004]

In the two nights we spent with each other after the breakup, she's been giving me a lot of mixed messages. Some of the things she has said that have caught my attention are:

 

- "There's still a chance that we get back together. You have nothing to worry about this other guy. I just think he's got a cute face"

 

- "If another girl hits on you, I think I'm gonna scream"

 

- "Make me miss you." ... when I say i'm not gonna come around or call her, she says I want you still hang out with me. .. contradicting right??

 

 

You need to trust your gut on these things. All of these above comments are red flags to me. especially the one regarding the other guy. She is very much trying to maipulate you and push you. If you are a pushover and accept her contracdictory statements I guarentee you that attraction she wants back will not come back. I think you need to stand up for yourself and make a decision for yourself.

 

No more feeling sorry for her and her issues. She owns those you dont. Do not take ownership of her issues and her behaviours.

[GT7212]

Ok attractive and attraction are 2 different things. Despite how attractive you are and woman may or may not feel attracted to you. My guess is you have been a bit of a pushover with her and she has lost that attraction to you. Are you playful with her? Do you seduce her?

 

 

I've always been playful with her and I seduce her on many nights. The last time we got intimate, we had sex 3 times in a day. I haven't been a pushover but I have always been available to her when she needs me. Perhaps I have been too nice and my value has decreased to her. She was previously in a 9 year relationship where she was mistreated and I felt it was time to treat her the way she wants to be treated. Being too nice is probably where I went wrong. Other girls I know appreciate this, maybe she doesnt

[GT7212]

You need to trust your gut on these things. All of these above comments are red flags to me. especially the one regarding the other guy. She is very much trying to maipulate you and push you. If you are a pushover and accept her contracdictory statements I guarentee you that attraction she wants back will not come back. I think you need to stand up for yourself and make a decision for yourself.

 

No more feeling sorry for her and her issues. She owns those you dont. Do not take ownership of her issues and her behaviours.

 

I have kept telling myself I need to just stay away from this girl. What I be any less of a person to just walk away from someone wants me to be there for them despite recently breaking up with me?

 

I am now taking the NC approach. She texted me last night at 4am saying "goodnight pumpkin. Thanks for being there for me."

 

I haven't responded and do not intend to. My path forward can be summarized as this:

 

Do not contact her or reply to any sort of communication from her. In this time, I plan to take time for myself and enjoy doing things with all my friends. I want to try to just lose emotions and feelings for the girl during this time away and if she develops that attraction again, she will call me and let me know but I do not plan to have anything to do with her until I know that attraction is back. If she doesn't get that physical attraction for me back, then by that time, I will not have feelings for her anymore and may consider just being friends with her again. Afterall, this has been the closest person I've been to for 2 years and there will always be that level of companionship. We were nothing less than best of friends during that time. What do you think?

[tylercdurden2004]

I think you are on the right track with the above. But I think you should look at taking it a step further.

 

Make NC about you making a change in your life. That change is your commitment to yourself to always be present with yourself and to look forward. What has happened has happened. There is nothing you can do to change that. She is in the past at least at your relationship partner. Is it possible you will get back together sometime in the future? Yeah maybe. But I will guarantee it wont happen anytime soon based on what she has told you.

 

Think of NC as you making a commitment to yourself not to get involved with a girl that will tell you conflicting things as she has done, not to be with a girl who lacks the integrity to consider your feelings and respect you. Look to the future as a time where you can be with someone who:

 

• Has integrity
  
• Shows you respect
  
• Does not burden you with her issues

But all of the above require you to take responsibility for your actions and your role in creating the realtionship. Do not take ownership of a womans problems and issues. Its not attractive and any healthy woman will not repsect you for it. Only women who have low self esteem and are looking for a life line want a man to take ownership of her issues. Is that the type of woman you want in your life?

[tylercdurden2004]

I've always been playful with her and I seduce her on many nights. The last time we got intimate, we had sex 3 times in a day. I haven't been a pushover but I have always been available to her when she needs me. Perhaps I have been too nice and my value has decreased to her. She was previously in a 9 year relationship where she was mistreated and I felt it was time to treat her the way she wants to be treated. Being too nice is probably where I went wrong. Other girls I know appreciate this, maybe she doesnt

 

Do you create that sexual tension when you seduce her? Do you go for her and back away a bit leaving her wanting more?

 

Being too available is never good. You never allow her to work things out on her own. For your own sanity trust me you want a woman who can work things out on her own.

 

Its not uncommon for woman who were in a relationship where they LET themselves be mistreated to jump into one where they are treated like a queen. There is a balance. As much as some women say they love being treated like a queen (ie overly nice and capitulating) I dont know any who find it attractive. There is a huge difference between treating a woman like a queen and putting her on the proverbial pedestal and being a good gentlemanly man who has flaws and imperfections.

[GT7212]

NO definitely not. I want an independent woman who has high self esteem. Other than looks, there is nothing that turns me on more about a woman than confidence.

 

Unfortunately with her, she has low self esteem .... I will never know why b/c she's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. I'm not joking either. She's a head turner with a beautiful face, gorgeous smile and curves in all the right places. I just do not understand why her self esteem is so low b/c she admits it's always been a problem of hers, but she seriously can probably get any man she wants just based on her looks.

 

I don't really take "ownership" of her problems, but rather I'm there for her through her tough times. I always have and that's somthing she's told me she's always appreciated. She thanks me for being patient with her but at times, I feel like there is no appreciation whatsoever. I will take your advice and not get involved with any of her personal issues.

 

I do have one more question though. She's gonna call me and text me and call me again. When will be the time to answer these calls? I want to let her know I will not accept any disrespect or have anything to do with her, but I also don't want to go about it in a mean, offensive way ya know? This person is very important to me but I also do not want my emotions to be toyed with

[tylercdurden2004]

I understand where you are coming from. You want to be there for her. To do the noble thing. But there is a fine line between really being there for someone and owning their problem. If you are there all the time and too much you are effectively taking ownership.

 

Patience or the use of it is often a power play. People use patience to get what they want and people ask for patience to get what they want. Its again a fine line. Sure she appreciated your patience because it allowed her to continue her disfunctional behaviour of not dealing with her issues. I went through this with my last serious GF. That was almost 2 years ago. I simply could not be patient with her. We were having the same converstaions and she was dealing with the same issues that had occurred a year and a half before. Why? Because I was patient. I realized afterwards that my always being there for her and listening to her problems gave her no incentive to sort her issues out.

 

I have bolded something above I think you should read over a few times. These are conflicting statements in a way. On one hand you are saying you want to stand up for yourself and to have your emotions respected and on the other hand you dont want to offend her.

 

Offensiveness is very subjective. Although there are general rules in society about what is offensive. Much is left to each individuals discretion. You might certain things offensive that your best buddy wouldnt even think about.

 

Those statements tell me a lot and I think they are conflicting because you want to stand up for yourself as you should but at the same time are worried that it might "offend" her. If anything as a rule of life understand that somethings you do not matter how much you try will offend some people. Some people feign being offended as a way of manipulating others. I think if you state you point of veiw without yelling, swearing, name calling etc etc etc you are well within the norm of what is offensive and what isnt.

 

Simply put this is you time. Its time for you to take control and quit giving her the power. If she is upset or "offended" tough shizzle. Thats life. Not everyone will cater to her. Will you?

[GT7212]

alright tyler. thanks for the message. I'm gonna take some time to read over what you've wrote a couple times and get my actions together. You're right, I did write two conflicting statements but I"m pretty firm on standing up for myself. I've been offended so to hell with worrying about offending her. Besides, she comes off as being insensitive so it's time to just do what I feel and not worry about her problems for once. Thanks for the advice and insight into the situation. I'll be back in a day or two to follow up.

[tylercdurden2004]

alright tyler. thanks for the message. I'm gonna take some time to read over what you've wrote a couple times and get my actions together. You're right, I did write two conflicting statements but I"m pretty firm on standing up for myself. I've been offended so to hell with worrying about offending her. Besides, she comes off as being insensitive so it's time to just do what I feel and not worry about her problems for once. Thanks for the advice and insight into the situation. I'll be back in a day or two to follow up.

 

No thats the spirit!

 

All the best and let us know how things work out. Remember go in with a plan of what you want and stick to your guns. I have a feeling you will be surprised.

[GT7212]

Update on the situation ... and I would appreciate as much input from everyone as possible. Thank you in advance for any advice that I will be receiving.

 

******************

 

So I got a call from my ex's sister today, they're twins and very close, but I'm also close to her twin. She cares a lot for me and does not want to see me ever get hurt, which is why she told me today she learned that my ex and that guy she was attracted to have already had sex.

 

Supposedly, they had sex the FIRST week we broke up, that's pretty shocking news to me especially considering that those two had not known each other for more than 3 weeks.

 

For as long as I can remember, my ex has always taken pride to not have sex with anyone that she didn't date. Sounds like complete bullsh#t to me and I'll never believe it. All this stuff she has been saying to me, I don't believe it either.

 

It's to the point that I don't really care about NC anymore. There's no other choice. My strategy to employ NC is not to get her back, however. It's for good b/c I'm just disgusted and disappointed altogether. I just cannot see how a person can have sex with another person...near stranger, after being in a serious relationsihp for 2 years. Is it a rebound? .. I don't think so.

 

Tyler, I appreciate all your input thus far. I don't care about offending her anymore....as matter of fact, I hope she gets offended. This is unacceptable and I don't even plan on confronting her about it. Her sister wouldn't like to me and I value the friendship I have with her sister b/c obviously, she cares about me and does not want to see me get hurt.

 

So let me ask everyone here, have you been in this situation? Is it forgivable if they one day decide to want to get back together? Is all the stuff that she's been tellin me just a bunch of lies to cover up what she has guilt for? I'm truly disgusted at this point and have no intentions of ever making any sort of contact whatsoever. Good people just do not carry out these type of actions, especially during the first week of getting out a 2 year relationship.

[tylercdurden2004]

First off I have bolded some important line you wrote. Yes I have been in this situtation. When ever I here a girl say she never will sleep with a guy unless she is dating him my BS detector goes off. Does that mean ever girl who says this is BSing. NO. But i have heard this enough times, not so much with my own situations but with others to know its usually not true. At some point many of these girls who try to maintain this persona end up doing what you ex did. Which bring me to my next point.

 

Its simple. She met someone who brought out that carnal instinct in her. Made her feel a way in which she couldnt resist. This actually happened rescently with some girl I know who always prided herself on being a one man woman, who only sleeps with guys she dates (has only slept with one guy her BF) and did not want to sleep with someone at work knowing other would think any promotion she got would be seen in a bad light. Well a few weeks back she slept with one of the senior guys at her company. Guess what she blew through 3 of her "standards" in one go. And she waas not subtle with her actions that night. Go figure.

 

As for the sister. I would stop listening to her talk about your ex. You dotn know her intentions. If she is the twin sister and is just as attractive to you maybe you shoudl hook up with her. Maybe she is attracted to you and you just dont know.

 

This is YOU time now. You need to take care of yourself. I think you really need to start being more assertive and not taking people at face value all the time. as pissed as you are your ex owes you nothing in terms of not sleeping with someone after you broke up. My guess though is that this was in the plans before you guys broke up. After what she has said to you and her lies I would not for a minute consider taking this girl back.

[programmer]

I agree with you. Her attraction to that guy is a hindrance for her attraction to you.

 

My ex dumped me while she had feelings for another guy. She denies that she dumped me because with him. She doesn't love me anymore, so it must be the other guy being the barrier. Even though this guy only like her as a friend.

[tylercdurden2004]

I agree with you. Her attraction to that guy is a hindrance for her attraction to you.

 

My ex dumped me while she had feelings for another guy. She denies that she dumped me because with him. She doesn't love me anymore, so it must be the other guy being the barrier. Even though this guy only like her as a friend.

 

but this is not the attitude to have. If you see the other guy as having an effect on your life it does you no good. You have to take resonsibility for why she chose him over you. What is it that you did or didnt do that made her decide this other guy was a better option?

[GT7212]

I'm done with it Tyler, don't you worry. Only a fool would take her back now. I'm not even gonna sweat this situation anymore. There's nothing wrong with the way I am that would make her all of a sudden lose interest in ME.

 

Like someone stated earlier in the forums, it's not me, but rather it's all about her infatuation with him. I know what I offer in a relationship and the week prior to her meeting this guy, I was told I was everything she could ever ask for.

 

The ex clearly said that the only thing she likes about him is that he's got a cute face and smile. Other than that, there's no chemistry between them. She already thinks he's dumb and slow, and has a hard time having conversation with him. It makes me laugh and shrug it off b/c if you are new to someone, it should be very easy to hold conversation with them ... not the other way around.

 

If these two decide to get into a relationship, they're only setting themselves up for disaster. There's no way a relationship can work with only a physical attraction and no chemsitry whatsoever.

 

I'll be fine and I appreciate all the input received from tyler and others. There's millions of other girls that i will have the chance to meet. One dead fish in this ocean will go unnoticed to me.

 

As for the sister, she's hot yes, but I don't know about dating her. For one, just looking at her face would remind me her sister. Secondly, they're TWINS so there's a good possibility of the same genes ... which is definitely a bad thing. Only way I would ever consider dating her is for a good slap in the face to my ex.

 

This is her loss not mine. She has thrown away everything she could ever ask for in a guy and believe me, the day will come when she deeply regrets her decision. I've never met such an insensitive person in my entire life.

[toshiba]

but this is not the attitude to have. If you see the other guy as having an effect on your life it does you no good. You have to take resonsibility for why she chose him over you. What is it that you did or didnt do that made her decide this other guy was a better option?

 

Not so. Just because someone chooses someone else over you doesn't mean that you did anything or that there's anything wrong with you. We have independent minds. Each move we make is not based on what someone else has done or said.

 

Let's say this woman (his GF) has low self-esteem. He might be treating her just great but lately her self-esteem needs an even bigger boost than usual. She then meets a guy that flirts with her and that gives her that much-needed boost and that gets her hooked. She may still like the "old" boyfriend too because she's still getting an ego boost from him as well.

 

Can you say that this is something that HE did? No, this is something that has to do with HER.

[programmer]

but this is not the attitude to have. If you see the other guy as having an effect on your life it does you no good. You have to take resonsibility for why she chose him over you. What is it that you did or didnt do that made her decide this other guy was a better option?

 

My case is really complex. I've written many posts about it, some too long for people to reply to it lol. So if you want, you can read my very first post here:

 

 

 

We had a bad period with many arguments, and then she dumped me twice in just over 1 month's frame.

 

She is having eating disorder before this happened and is assumingly still having it.

 

I have been in NC for over 40 days now. Of course I still love her, but it won't help until she initiate contact again.

 

Btw, the guy she is having feelings for is not interested in her.

 

Read my first thread if you feel for it please.

 

Sorry, I don't intend to hijack this thread.