After almost a year, still can't let go

[houdini]

Hello everyone,

 

Quick recap of my relaitonship:

 

Broken up for almost a year, we have a son together, she lives in Nevada, I live in California.

 

It's been quite awhile since my break up. January 19th of 2008 will be exactly one year. The year has been quite the rollercoaster and at one point I thought I was doing good. After about 6 months which 3 of those months was strict NC I began to live life, be happy, workout, date and just have fun. Arround the middle of june, close to my birthday my ex finally reached out and we had a weekend together and things seemed to be good. The following month after our weekend together she still remained distant, not putting in any effort to any type of reconiliation. I may have panicd and wanted more cause I was so afraid to lose her again but I could see she wasnt into me as much as I was into her.

 

I finally got the courage up to tell her that I deserved more effort than what she was wiling to give and when she was ready to try with me again to reach out to me and we can really make this work. Over the months of Aug.Sept we had little to no contact and she pretty much went totally cold again and blamed me for her falling out of love with me, my ways, my faults, my issues is what she says drove her love to the ground and chipped away at our relationship.

 

I would often break down over these months (aug.Sept) and send text messages and emails and I'd get a cold response from her and sometimes no response. Fast forward to the month of Nov. during the week of thanksgiving I hadnt talked to her in over a week, no emails, no text etc. During thanksgiving week she called me out of the blue to tell me she was in a town near by visiting her grandparents because there was a death in the family and if I wanted to pick up our son. Unfortunately I had turned the phone off and when I got the message it was late and I saved the message. I was to afraid to call her and I was shaking at the thought of seeing her again.

 

I know many of you will say that I have to suck it up and get through it cause the important thing is our child. I totally understand that and it's easy for others to say that are not in my shoes and feel the pain and hurt I still feel till this day. Well after she found out that I got the message she left on my phone (She says she knows my password to voicemail and checked to see if I got her message) I finally called her and she was still in town for the funeral and wouldnt let me see my son. Since she has went back home to nevada I emailed her a few times to explain and express my feelings and she was plain and cold hearted and angry at me for not seeing our son.

 

As of today I've emailed and text message her but she hasnt responded. This makes me more sad and hurting again after all this time. I'm still not over her, miss her and love her and never asked for this to happen. I just dont knwo what to do to get over this and to move on and let go. I'm so afraid of giving up or letting go because I know that once I do it will be gone for good. All I have left is hope and hope is so hard to let go of when you want the person you love. I don't know maybe it's the holidays is what is making me feel this way but as of the past two months it's hit me hard and feels as if it's day one.

 

What can I do to get past this, what do I do to let go of her. I just wish that I knew what the future holds and that maybe, just maybe she'll one day regret giving up on me and our son. She has two daughters from her previous marriage and the father to the girls doesnt come arround at all and lives in the same city as her. My ex had an opportunity to have a family again, to raise our son together, to move here with me and she chose to let me go completely.

 

It hurts so bad and I'm lost.

 

Thank you all for listening to mel

 

God Bless and Happy Holidays

 

 

Houdini

[remainstrong]

O my Friend my heart goes out to you, IMO you really need to stop tortouring yourself and become the happy person you once were and the only option is to let her go. ( a decision im really struggling with to)

[GoodMan]

Im hurting right there with you man. Mine is fresh, split-up a week ago, with 2 yr old son, and she is done with me bc of my ways. She did things, I did things. and now my life is a torture. You are doiing great if it's been a year and you still haven't gone off your rocker.

[houdini]

Good?Man,

 

We can definitely relatio, my son is 4yrs old and we both had our issues and let the past ruin our future together. It's been a year and for awhile things were going good, met a new girl and was living life until she barged her way back into my life or should I say "I" practically rolled out the red carpet and walked her down the aisle back into my life.

 

The crazy thing is I knew exactly what she was doing and everyone else did also. She was only tugging on my heart strings to see how much of a hold she had on me and once she knew that I still loved he, wanted her and would basically change who I am as a person for her. She then took that knowledge and strength to keep moving on without me while I tagged along on her coat tail waiting for any bits and crumbs of her love.

 

My ex told me the same thing, that she's done with me and my ways and my issues. You'd think after one failed marriage (She walked out on him) and then have another child with me and walk out on me because she "fell out of love because of my way". You'd think she'd try extra hard to make things work because now she's a mother with 3 children 2 fathers and either alone or dating someone.

 

It's been so damn hard to deal with everything and to deal with the holidays without her and the kids. It's going to be lonely and I know people will say that we need to pick ourselves up and move on but it's difficult to do so because we feel empty and left for dead by someone we loved. It's as superdave71 has said "we gave ourselves to them and once they're gone we dont want ourselves back because we want them to have us"

 

It's not an easy road to walk and not an easy road ahead but I do hope one day that my ex, all of our ex's realize they made a mistake for hurting the ones that truly loved them no matter what the circumstances were. We all have issues and changing one person for another does no good because it's going to be the same problems but a different person.

 

I wish you all well during these holidays and I know it's going to be difficult for many of us, especially me. Hope we can all stick together and get through this time and pray for a better year in 2008.

 

God bless everyone here at ENA

 

Houdini

[reasonablegirl]

Houdini, do you have a regular schedule of visitation with your son that is court ordered? Perhaps if you had some things set in stone so that she cannot use your son to manipulate you, it will make it easier for you to break away from her emotionally.

[houdini]

Hi reasonablegirl,

 

No we dont have any set visitation schedule. It's kind of hard to set something up due to the distance between us. We both work mon thru fri. and we live in two different states. That pretty much ruins any idea of a normal visitation schedule and soon he'll be starting school.

[reasonablegirl]

That is unfortunate. I think if you had one set weekend per month where you knew your son was coming to visit or that you would be going to see him and that she could not take away from you as well as set times when you get to contact him on the phone, it would decrease the amount of contact you have to have with her which would allow you to focus more on you.

[afrodave]

Houdini,

I feel for you, reading your story brought tears to my eyes as I am going through the same thing only she lives accross the street from me. My ex-fiance and I have a 14month old son. I get to see him often but whenever I see him she is off with another guy. I don't understand either how mothers can not want to give everything they have to salvage a relationship with their child's father and be a family. IT is especially hard to understand how their hearts aren't dissolving like ours are around these holidays. My heart and prayers go out to you, please pray for me as well. God Bless.

 

- Dave

[samross]

houdini,

 

Man, my heart goes out to you. I've been reading about your plight. Each of us here at one time or another have felt what your're feeling. Maybe children are involved, maybe they aren't. In either case know this while she may be out of your life, your child will ALWAYS be your child. That may seem painful to realize that because you think I'll have to face my ex the rest of my life. But down the road it may not be painful at all. I've come to believe that regardless of what anyone says, TIME is the best remedy for a broken heart. Soeone else may come along and make you forget her but you can't deny that TIME does heal. Only time will give you a different perspective, time for your aching heart to heal and it will heal. I've mentioned the following on here a few times and perhaps it might help you. I know one couple that was married and divorced to each other three times over the course of 20 years or so. Long periods in between. They had kids. No real horror stories but they realized they couldn't be apart. Tried it a second time and they let go for a while. Tried it a third time and they stayed together. The last time they were together a long time until he passed away. My point is none of us know what's in store for us. It's possible down the road you and her could be back together. Know that for some time you will feel pain. There's no way around it. Even if she came back if you're like me you would still feel pain for some time, and it would interfere with the relationship getting back off of the ground. We can tell ourselves 'I've learned from this' but in a lot of cases what we learn is love can hurt like hell. We may learn how to deal better with a certain situation, but in the final analysis, there are so many variables in love no one can predict what the future holds. That being said, it might help you to go on for now by telling yourself - ok. she's not here for now. I'm going to work on my life and look ahead. I'm not going to tell you to let go. Because in some ways you can't. Your child will always be there but that is a good thing even though it still hurts like hell. You are a father. You helped bring a life into this world. You can be proud of that.

 

As far as the distance, would you be able or willing to move closer? You never know - maybe that might help things but maybe moreso it will help YOU. A new area, a new place. A new life? Someone you've never met that might turn your love around. Even though you would be close to her in time it might not be as painful as I know you fear it would be. Facing your fear is the only way to overcome it. Avoiding it has never worked for me.

[houdini]

samross,afrodave,

 

Thank you for your comments and my prayers are with you both during this time of year.

 

First I would like to say to afrodave that us fathers and even the mothers here on this site have such a big load to carry emotionally because of the fact that we're forced to face the one that has torn our hearts apart and pretty much left us for dead. I know each and every one of us has different circumstances and different reasons why our loved one left. Some may be valid reason some may be selfish reasons. Either way reality is that we are here left to pick up the pieces alone while they are off enjoying life with their new found freedom.

 

I often wonder how someone that professed undying love for us could leave so cold heartedly for whatever reason they felt was valid. I've broken up with people in the past but the difference is that I had no ties to them like I do to my ex. When I broke up with my ex's from the past (only 2 in my 36yrs of age) we went separate ways and most of the time I borke up because it was something else or someone else that gave me that strength. I know down the road I regretted that decision because most of the time my decision was made from distractoin of the new person or the new single freedom. In time it all gets old, people show their true colors and the fairytale romance is gone, or the single life gets boring and we're faced to realize that we left someone that truly loved us. By the time that realization is made it's far to late (in some cases) the damage has been done and the dumpee has pieced his or her heart back together and they realize their worth and learn to never stoop to that level again.

 

I wanted to give a perspective of what mistake I made in the past as a dumper and maybe this is a classic tale of "what goes arround comes arround" or "karma" who knows!!! All I know is that me and my ex had plenty of good reasons to work this out, to be together, to work through hard times because of our children. People will say that you cant be together just for the kids, unless there was physical or emotional abuse then I'd say that statment is not true at all. It's important today as any day to work through problems especially when kids are involved. Many people are to quick to think that leaving a relationship that has issues for another relationship is the long term remedy but in reality it's a recipe for disaster because everyone has issues some big some small.

 

I pray every night for my ex, that the lord leads her in the right direction and to help clear her mind. I dont pray for her to come back but for her to follow her heart without distraction and to think sensibly for herself and her children. I love her with all my heart and I know that time heals all wounds, what fears me most is that once I'm healed I know that the feelings will be gone. I've had many broken hearts before and I think about if I'd ever go back to any of them and I have to say no, not at all. Knowing that scares me because once I get to that point I know that I won't go back after what shes put me through.

 

My ex has never really dated at all, she only had a few boyfriends through her 35yrs of life. and married one and had a child with another (me). So maybe this is her way of spreading her wings to live life her way. I dont know but I'm letting her go but my heart still is holding on.

 

Samross,

Thank you for your comments, it really hit home and made total sense and it was a sense of relief that people do reconcile even after some time apart. I know I have to move on and do whats best for our son. I have to try as hard as I can to get over that resentment and pain I have for my ex because it drives deep in my heart that pain of knowing she consciously chose to take me out of my sons life for good knowing damn well that me and him would have hundreds of miles between us. I think about that all the time and it kills me inside. To know that I can't see him as much as I should be, that I cant call and pick him up, take him to the park for a few hours then take him home. Yeah I could do that but there would be weeks in between before I got to go see him. My situation is tough and she knows that, she knows that going to see my son would be hard emotionally cause I still love her and it would be hard financially because Las Vegas Nevada isn't a cheap place to visit for a few days.

 

Who knows what the future holds but I hope and I pray that my ex and everyone elses ex's realize the damage they've done, the mistake they are making and that we all heal as fast as possible so that we an enjoy life again as we did before we met them.

 

To all of you again, thank you for your responses and encouragement and know that my prayers are with you all and I hope that in the end when all is said and done that we are the ones that come out stronger and wiser.

 

God Bless,

 

Houdini

[samross]

Houdini,

 

You have a hard road to walk in this life. I have children too. I know the pain you're feeling. Mine are much older. One thing about staying together for the kids. There will come a time when you realize that their lives at some point will go on. During that time, even though you were there for them, inside you may be miserable. You may see opportunity after opportunity pass you by because you've chosen to stay for the kids. In the end you may not feel any better about things. There may be times when the 'right one' comes along and all you can do is watch them walk away. I admire you and I know God will provide what's best for you and your son. I'm gonna post here in a minute about me. This past week I've been giving advice, feelig good about myself but today I'm a wreck. Another valley. I will pray for you. You can count on that.

Also, I don't know the rationale for picking the name Houdini but he is someone I've also admired. He escaped from every situation that held him. One interesting parallel with life is that there were two situations he never escaped from. One was a pair of handcuffs jammed with a bullet that could never be picked. The other is more appropriate for our situations. He was inside a safe trying desparately to pick the lock and get out. He tried and tried but failed. Eventually, he became tired and leaned against the door and it opened. They forgot to lock it when they put him inside. The point is he was trying to escape from a prison that never existed. Sort of like we do to ourselves sometimes. God bless you, Houdini.

[samross]

See my posting

[houdini]

Samross,

 

You're a good man brother and the way you put into description of my username is exactly why I chose the name Houdini which is the nickname that has been given to me by my close friends while growing up. I know it's kind of funny but if you knew me personally you'd understand why they call me Houdini. In my past I've always been known to dissappear from any type of situations whether bad or good. I hated goodbyes and would often leave without saying goodbye and slip out the back door. I figure sometimes goodbyes seem so final and I'd rather leave them knowing that I'll be back.

 

The way you have described the great Houdini is exactly what I feel in many cases that I've been put into these extreme situations that seem impossible to get out of. Like right now, I do feel like a magician in a small cell, handcuffed, blindfolded, shackled and all the lights out. The one that you have refferred to is that Houdini in the case of the safe did not need to do some extravagant escape all he needed was to push the door open!!! In many of our cases and my case we know that we hold the key and all we need to do is push that door open, walk on out and set ourselves free.

 

I was reading the first part of your post and you said you have children and that if we stay together for the kids we will see opportunities pass us by.I'm assuming you mean a possible love or "the right one" passing us by. I understand your thinking and can agree but the more I think about it I do believe there will always be "the right one" out there, someone better. When I was with my ex I met and have seen women who were many times better, beautiful etc but what kept me where I was at even though we argued and she was insecure was the knowledge of knowing that another person,face or body will still have issues,problems,faults etc. So why throw away a family and take the chance on someone you have no idea who they really are and even if you do get to know them you will realize they're just like the last one.

 

I will pray for you also samross and keep your head up. I hope to see you here on xmas day to wish all of you a merry christmas and hope for a better 2008!

 

I'm off to read your post now!

 

Thanks for the words and write back soon

 

Houdini

[samross]

thanks Houdini

 

I will try to be on xmas day if my computer is up & running. If not I'll be here in spirit. I won't give up. Just having a real crappy start on the weekend. Anyone out there know what that's like?

 

As far as letting ourselves out of the prison I know in my case that sometimes it's because I simply don't want to let myself out. If I do it means I'm letting go. The prison walls start to look familiar and safe even though we're miserable. Amzing what we can get used to and accept as normal. We don't move on because of the fear of the unknown.

[afrodave]

Houdini,

 

Please tell me that you have left this sight because you are filled with overwhelming happiness because she returned to you and you are complete again?