We Finally Talked

[thouse]

I took the advice of someone on this forum and decided to listen to what my Ex had to say, I want to say Thanks to DN.

 

Anyhow I have mixed emotions about the talk that we had, but the one thing I do know is he was sincere.

 

I texted him asking him what he felt about us, could he give me an honest answer about what he was feeling when it came to me and him.

 

He then called me and asked me was I asking because I wanted to see another guy. I told him no I wanted to know where we stood because I was thinking about moving. He said he thought it was a good idea because my family really doesn't want to see me succeed (he's right about that).

 

Anyways he said that he loved me so much, but that he has made some bad choices in that has left his life in shambles, and that I have a bright future ahead of me and he couldn't understand why I would want to include him in it. He is 33 and I am 28 , he feels like the choices that he has made has pretty much mapped out the way his life is going to be and he said he doesn't want to ruin my life. I told him I am thinking about moving because I can't fathom seeing him with somebody else, and he said he doesn't want to see me with anyone else either because he knows that most guys would want to marry cause I am a good girl.

 

I told him I understood his reasons and that if he felt he was not good 4 me I had to deal with that because I wanted someone to be with me because they loved me more than anything else in the world. We have been friends for 15 years, but I told him I could not be friends with him because everytime we look at each other the feelings are way too strong.

 

I know he was sincere about the all of what he was saying. In my heart I know he was not BSing me he really feels this way. I love him so much I don't know how I am going to get past this. I told him my biggest fear would be that I would not be able to love another man they way I love him, and it's true I really feel like this is it for me. He was it for me and now I know that it's over.

 

Thanks for listening......

[thouse]

Where is everyone, I can't believe nobody has a comment

[Chris777]

hey, im here.. Im not a guru, but it seems that you guys are just meant to split ways, maybe in the future you'll cross and meet again but for now try to focus on your own goals, maybe in time if he does realize how important you are to him then things can work out during that time anything else can happen. I'm going thru a break up aswell, we just have to stay strong.

[DN]

Anyways he said that he loved me so much, but that he has made some bad choices in that has left his life in shambles, and that I have a bright future ahead of me and he couldn't understand why I would want to include him in it. He is 33 and I am 28 , he feels like the choices that he has made has pretty much mapped out the way his life is going to be and he said he doesn't want to ruin my life.

Was he specific about what those bad choices are or were? Were they to do with his career and does he think he isn't successful enough to be with you?

[thouse]

Was he specific about what those bad choices are or were? Were they to do with his career and does he think he isn't successful enough to be with you?

I know what the bad choices are, and they have to do with career. Also he had a really bad breakup a year ago and he said that it has changed him, he's not the same person he was, he said he would start out alright with me but what if he wasn't able to stay faithful, he doesn't want to put me through that.

[thouse]

I guess the only thing to do is go NC, but that doesn't even seem right. I am not trying to win him back or anything, and we didn't break up badly so I am not sure what to do. I told him I couldn't be his friend maybe he won't contact me very often.

[CatsMeeoow]

It sounds like he needs to figure things out for himself and at least he recognizes that.

 

My ex had some very hard times over the last year too. I probably made the mistake of trying to help too much --- asking about interviews... telling him how great he is and someone out there will recognize that soon... the right job will come at the right time... I even had my mom contact him when job leads where she worked popped up... He was was always nice to my mom but never said anything about it to me... Now I'm thinking maybe I embarrassed him by telling my mother??? I just wanted something so badly for him that I reached out and networked all my friends...

 

I thought it showed how much I do care for him but now I realize that perhaps I only alienated him by trying to fix his problem. I should have left him alone to deal with it.

 

You'll do right to walk away for now. He isn't feeling good about himself though he does care for you. If he can figure things out on his own he'll get his confidence back. I think he will contact you again.

 

I can tell you have feelings for him but you are also feeling very angry with the situation. You seem to have adopted a healthy attitude of letting it go for now.

 

I wish you luck in all this.

[thouse]

Yes, I do love him and I feel he cares about me too. He called me this morning, I could tell he woke right up and called because he still had the sleepy voice, we talked awhile about my family (that is another issue that is a wedge in our relationship) we both just talked and didn't bring up anything about yesterday. I think he feels better that he got it out in the open and that I reacted positively. I am going to leave him alone and walk away and get on with my life, but if he ever wants to talk or call me I don't think just ignoring him is the best solution. I am not trying to get back with him.

[CatsMeeoow]

I think that shows a good plan -----

 

Take care of yourself first!

 

Leave him be to allow him to work through his issues... listen when he needs it... don't judge and don't offer advice or try to fix things for him... I think he'll realize he does love you when he is allowed to do all that.

 

Good for you for not arguing the other night or today! That helps you feel better! You are not being nagged by feelings of guilt.

 

I'm a single parent too! I know how stressful things can be. I do wish you the best!

[thouse]

I think that shows a good plan -----

 

Take care of yourself first!

 

Leave him be to allow him to work through his issues... listen when he needs it... don't judge and don't offer advice or try to fix things for him... I think he'll realize he does love you when he is allowed to do all that.

 

Good for you for not arguing the other night or today! That helps you feel better! You are not being nagged by feelings of guilt.

 

I'm a single parent too! I know how stressful things can be. I do wish you the best!

My son is not his child he is from a previous relationship, but yes being a single Mother is very tough. I feel good about the way I handled things I told him I needed him to be honest about his feelings, and I know that was hard for him. I know he trusts that when I say I want him to be honest with me, he feels like he can be honest without me going off the deep end because he may say something that I don't want to hear.

 

Aside from that I really wanted to know what he was thinking and feeling, it shocked me when he told me that it's been on his mind for awhile, and that him and a mutual friend speak about it all the time. I always thought that it didn't affect him, but I now know that it did.

 

He's looking for his friend, we used to be so close and I am sad at the fact that we may have ruined that, maybe in time things can go back to that, but I know not now. I personally think that it won't though I don't think either of us would want to see the other with somebody else.

[NO1GR8r]

I recently went into "the friend zone" with my "mate" and I combinate our requirements. I call her less and don't speak about "US." Instead of typical dialogue, I grab headlines form news papers and Bible scripture. Here's something from T.D. Jakes that my mom sent to me. I hope that this helps too.

 

By T. D. Jakes

 

There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this!

When people can walk away from you: let them walk.

I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you,

loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you,

staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

 

When people can walk away from you let them walk.

Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

 

The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be

made manifest that they were not for

us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have

continued with us. [1 John 2:19]

 

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not

joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means

that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know

when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep

trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something.

I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe

in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful,

and I know whatever God

means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too

much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!!

 

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you

and was never intended for your life, then you need to......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ......

LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth.....

LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you .

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents

LET IT GO!!!

If you! u have a bad attitude.......

LET IT GO!!!

T.D. Jakes

[thouse]

I have let him go, with love because I know he is not in the best place in his life, I pray for him to see that he can do and be better, I don't pray for him to want to be with me. I want to and basically have moved on. I am just wondering about the contact. I think I will only be in contact with him when he initiates it and then try to limit some of that. I don't think totally shutting him out is the answer being since we know our relationship is over.

[NO1GR8r]

"What were we thinking?" and tell me what you think about it. As for shutting him out, do you think that it may lead to false hope (of starting over) unless that is what you (both) want? To be free means to break the chains of communication until you (both) have totally healed from all aspects of the relationship. This is my opinion and not advise, ok?

==============================

 

 

I have let him go, with love because I know he is not in the best place in his life, I pray for him to see that he can do and be better, I don't pray for him to want to be with me. I want to and basically have moved on. I am just wondering about the contact. I think I will only be in contact with him when he initiates it and then try to limit some of that. I don't think totally shutting him out is the answer being since we know our relationship is over.

[thouse]

"What were we thinking?" and tell me what you think about it. As for shutting him out, do you think that it may lead to false hope (of starting over) unless that is what you (both) want? To be free means to break the chains of communication until you (both) have totally healed from all aspects of the relationship. This is my opinion and not advise, ok?

==============================

I read your post and what I gathered from it was that unless you change the way you think and do things then you can expect the same results. Or by continuing the pattern you shut any chance at something good happening.

 

This is my issue however. I have known him all my life, and before we decided to be personally involved with each other we were best friends. Yes, towards the end our relationship has been strained because of the uncertainty of where our relationship was going. Now that he has given clarity I no longer have hope. He has already told me that he thinks he is not good for me, all I can do is respect his decision and move on. We are not nearly as close as we used to be and it's definitely because we decided to be involved with each other. We don't talk to each other everyday or anything anymore so it's not like I have to endure him all the time, but the fact of the matter is he will always be around( he was raised with us like family) and we have been friends so lond it's just seems that throwing him away is not the best thing. He is not a bad person, we just didn't work out. I'm not in pain or agony when he contacts me I know my worth and that I will find someone for me. My biggest issue is that I will eventually come upon things that I don't want to know about and that's why I plan on limiting contact with him.

[NO1GR8r]

==============

I understand your dilemma. At the same time, what is it you don’t want to know? If he is involved with another woman or how well they get along...etc?

What will happen when you meet someone? You obviously still love this cat, or you would have been like "go on and be happy..." It is good that he acknowledge you in the way that he did by stating that he is not good for you, but you love him through his flaws and whatever else draws you to him. But LISTEN to him. He knows that he can and may possibly one day hurt you and because you grew up together, he wants to maintain the honor and respect of the "clans" and not become the Hatfield’s and McCoy’s - feel me. Listen to the unspoken message and (here's the cliché) move on. Let him become a friend to you - in need and indeed and love him from afar.

 

I hope that this helps. (Check my other posts and let me know what you think...private messages accepted)

[thouse]

Yes, I still love him and that's why I keep my distance from him and my family because he is so close to my cousins, and yes he feels like if he hurts me in anyway that things won't be the same with the family and I understand that, and no I don't want to see him with another woman that's why I keep my distance. At this point I have no desire to date other men, I am basically focused on school and my son. I was fine before him and will be after him just will take some time.

[NO1GR8r]

Ok. I hope that it all works out for you both in the long run. And good luck in school.

 

Yes, I still love him and that's why I keep my distance from him and my family because he is so close to my cousins, and yes he feels like if he hurts me in anyway that things won't be the same with the family and I understand that, and no I don't want to see him with another woman that's why I keep my distance. At this point I have no desire to date other men, I am basically focused on school and my son. I was fine before him and will be after him just will take some time.

[NO1GR8r]

"The Best Part Of Waking Up."

 

If you ever really take the time to think about all that is right in your life, even when you reach a "milestone" of 45 as I was blessed to do so on (12/2) you come to peace with certain events and people in your life - right or wrong - good or bad...all of the experiences (you can't unring a bell) and reflect ...grin and say: "All is as it should be. It is Gods will, not mine and I am blessed."

So, the best part of waking up is knowing that you have been blessed with the chance to make right your transgressions. Bring a smile to someone's face. Forgive your coworker for leaving the coffee pot empty and tell the person that you love (show love to or loves you) that "it's gonna be alright - today. We are gonna be alright when we get past this together." "Let's be alright today."

[thouse]

I know that I am blessed and that good things are goona happen for me because I am a good person, It's just hard sometimes when you see a certain way things should be and the other person doesn't. But the bottom line is he didn't love me enough to be with me, so no matter how much he says he loves me it wasn't enough. Or should I say he loves me to the best of HIS ability. He has some work to do on hisself and I hope he takes a look at his life and makes some changes.

[NO1GR8r]

I know that I am blessed and that good things are goona happen for me because I am a good person, It's just hard sometimes when you see a certain way things should be and the other person doesn't. But the bottom line is he didn't love me enough to be with me, so no matter how much he says he loves me it wasn't enough. Or should I say he loves me to the best of HIS ability. He has some work to do on hisself and I hope he takes a look at his life and makes some changes.

 

I have family there. My late grandmotehr was born there - died here in phily. I will be ther in May for a poetry convention of sorts. The Underground Poets Society is hosting it. Just sharing info.

[NO1GR8r]

I know that I am blessed and that good things are goona happen for me because I am a good person, It's just hard sometimes when you see a certain way things should be and the other person doesn't. But the bottom line is he didn't love me enough to be with me, so no matter how much he says he loves me it wasn't enough. Or should I say he loves me to the best of HIS ability. He has some work to do on hisself and I hope he takes a look at his life and makes some changes.

 

I have family there. My late grandmotehr was born there - died here in Philly. I will be there in May for a poetry convention of sorts. The Underground Poets Society is hosting it. Just sharing info.