Wandering_Sword Posted November 29, 2007 Share Posted November 29, 2007 Well, here it is, exactly one year to the minute that I have last spoken to my EX. The first few months were undoubtedly tough and required patience and determination to ride out. But after giving myself a chance to explore the relationship and trying to see things from her point of view, I developed valuable insight that I would never have found or discovered during those early months. It took a lot of travelling, a job in another country and of course a lot of thinking to feel truly comfortable with where I am. I guess what I’m trying to do with this post is to express to everyone undergoing this difficult point in their lives is that things do get better and you will even get to the point where you say to yourself “Why was it even this bad in the first place?” So you love this person and they leave you. All your hopes and dreams are dashed, where your heart used to be is now an empty space filled with pain and what you perceive of your world has come crashing down around your feet. This is essentially the end. At the core this is true, but it does not mean it is permanent (unless you allow it). When your life with the EX ends, so shall a new life be born from within you. The moment your partner decides to leave, the seeds to a new future have been planted. Whether you nurture it or kill it through neglect in this early stage is entirely up to you. But after all the tears have been shed and the words that needed to be said are said, you have to decide how it will continue. There are a lot of opinions on what to do if you plan on reconciling or getting back together with that person or if you want to forget them. I have read countless posts from many offering solid opinions or courses of action to take to do one thing or the other. And while I think they serve as excellent resources they will never be able to fully serve what is boiling inside the individual. No matter how similar our situations may seem, no breakup is uniform. Each breakup is unique, coloured by our emotions and framed in a landscape particular to us. Even our EXes will put the breakup in his or her own light. But the only thing we all share is to put an end to the pain. The way I see it is this, the worst has already happened and there's not much else you can do but dust yourself off and take those first wobbly steps to getting yourself back. For me it took a year and it was one massive adventure. From Toronto to France, to Hong Kong and then to the Middle East I did things and saw things that reminded me that I was not alone and the possibilities for me or anyone else for that matter (and yes, that includes my EX) are incalculable. When I look back upon my relationship, I think of it as a beautiful dream that at times took my breath away and I'll never forget her smile or how we made love. I have no idea how she is doing now but I hope she is doing well and getting the most of her days and that she has found that special someone that makes her smile like I used to. For all those out there looking for an answer to alleviate the pain, there isn't one. I've searched a whole year hoping to find that "magic pill" and came up empty-handed. But what helped was understanding myself and that was the hardest part of the breakup. The only thing I can really pass on from my year is that you know what you want, forgive yourself (and your EX) and most importantly love yourself. Andy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jess... Posted November 29, 2007 Share Posted November 29, 2007 Very inspiring post WS. I'm sorry I'm not able to say much - but that was really lovely to read Thanks for posting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wandering_Sword Posted November 29, 2007 Author Share Posted November 29, 2007 Thanks Hard to imagine what I went through the same time last year compared to now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cristal Posted November 29, 2007 Share Posted November 29, 2007 You have indeed grown and learned a lot over the last year. This has enriched your life and prepare you for what lies ahead. Thanks for sharing your story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sandyv Posted November 29, 2007 Share Posted November 29, 2007 Andy, I remember way back meeting you here..... Its funny how much things can change in time... and its also strange how sometimes they don't. I haven't even got my ex out of my life in the 1 year plus I've been here, at least you've made some kind of progress... I guess I've prolonged the end on my part to save myself the pain, but this just keeps me here at square 1, and that is nowhere at all. Someday I hope to get to the point you are at. It would have been so much easier if he'd moved on long ago, then I'd never have had a choice. Oh well..... one day at a time. xx Take Care Sandy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FreedomRing Posted November 29, 2007 Share Posted November 29, 2007 WS- congrats on your journey....and your post really hit home for me....one thing is for sure...she has really missed out on a powerful individual...her loss..your gain As another poster has said on here--rejection=God's(higher power or what have you) protection... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CatsMeeoow Posted November 29, 2007 Share Posted November 29, 2007 Interesting though... You have learned to let go and move on... Will you at some point contact her? Catch up with her? Just curious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovemycoffee41 Posted November 29, 2007 Share Posted November 29, 2007 Loved reading your post. It's actually a fantastic journey. That's hard to understand at first with the initial pain and questions, but once you get into finding and honoring yourself, it's amazing. I love how much I have found that I have changed and where I'm going in life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wandering_Sword Posted November 29, 2007 Author Share Posted November 29, 2007 Thanks sandyv, lovemycoffee41, sabreen81, cristal and Ellie2006 Some of you have gave me a different way of looking at my situation and I can't say enough of how much it all helped. CatsMeeow: I don't think I'll ever contact her. The way I see it now is that after a year; I believe that we both have moved in different directions in our lives (me at least) and I also want to maintain the final memories of her in the pristine condition that I see them. And I'm afraid seeing or talking to her may tarnish those memories. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jimbobdaley Posted November 29, 2007 Share Posted November 29, 2007 Wandering Sword Did your travelling help you?? I'm leaving in two weeks to backpack Europe on my lonesome?? I'm scared... lol btw... excellent post You really need to concentrate on your selfhey? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wandering_Sword Posted November 29, 2007 Author Share Posted November 29, 2007 The travelling helped like no other activity Just keep your wits about you, depending on your state of mind I would make the trip about personal discovery. See what is out there and what is inside you. The beauty of going to another place is that you can leave all the familiar trappings behind you and are given no other choice but to be a tourist. And the working on yourself part comes on its own when you are by yourself in foreign territory. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jimbobdaley Posted November 29, 2007 Share Posted November 29, 2007 The travelling helped like no other activity Just keep your wits about you, depending on your state of mind I would make the trip about personal discovery. See what is out there and what is inside you. The beauty of going to another place is that you can leave all the familiar trappings behind you and are given no other choice but to be a tourist. And the working on yourself part comes on its own when you are by yourself in foreign territory. Yeah, being by youself, you are forced to make decisions. It's the time to really re-discover yourself..... thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nixee Posted November 29, 2007 Share Posted November 29, 2007 Very lovely post... thank you. You look at things in exactly the right way, and I hope to be in your shoes very soon. It has been a year since my breakup, but only a couple months without contact. It is always good to hear from someone else taking the journey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iarra Posted November 29, 2007 Share Posted November 29, 2007 Andy, It's good to hear how far you've come in the healing process. We always hear how it's gonna get better, but your post gave us a concrete example of how that happens. It gives all of us here something to look forward to in this journey. Thanks and keep it up! bearnan83, I've done some travelling ever since my breakup. It's been 5 months for me, and I've gone on 2 separate trips. They really did help. You get to meet people and be in a new environment. These definitely help you focus your thoughts on things that have nothing to do with the ex. Have fun on your backpacking trip! I'm sure it'll be awesome Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wandering_Sword Posted November 30, 2007 Author Share Posted November 30, 2007 Thanks Iarra and Nixee It's crazy how frantic I was last year, thinking about it now has me shaking my head and wondering how I could have let myself be a complete fool in front of the EX. I am glad I managed to purge that out of my system. I hope others will see that even at the end of the day, no matter how badly you may behaved in front of the EX there is always redemption. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beebee Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 beautiful post andy... its been a year for me also... NC has helped me so much... the obsession (a sickness), has subsided to the point of not wanting to know about him or his life... this is a tremendous step forward for me... i remembering staring at the phone saying "im not going to call... im not going to call", like a mantra, then as i was saying this, i would pick up the phone and call him... sick sick sick... i dont do that now... in fact i have no desire at all... the one thing i need to understand, even though there is no understanding, is how do i forgive him?... ive spent so much time going over the silliness of the breakup and the fatefullness of it all... it was truly never meant to be... but the forgiving?... i cant seem to get past the deep seeded hate i feel for him and still hoping he is unhappy in his current relationship... why should i care?... any kind of dialogue on this would help... any suggestions or thoughts?... hugs... beebee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CatsMeeoow Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 Thanks sandyv, lovemycoffee41, sabreen81, cristal and Ellie2006 Some of you have gave me a different way of looking at my situation and I can't say enough of how much it all helped. CatsMeeow: I don't think I'll ever contact her. The way I see it now is that after a year; I believe that we both have moved in different directions in our lives (me at least) and I also want to maintain the final memories of her in the pristine condition that I see them. And I'm afraid seeing or talking to her may tarnish those memories. That's a very admirable thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iarra Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 beebee, I've been struggling with the same thing. I'd like to think that I've forgiven him, but yesterday, I overheard him talking on the phone saying "Oh, so it's just first come first served?" (I work with my ex, and he's in the cube next to mine, so sometimes, I can't help but overhear him). When I heard that, I just started feeling resentment again, because I had the feeling that he was planning something with his new girl again. i cant seem to get past the deep seeded hate i feel for him and still hoping he is unhappy in his current relationship A part of me is also wishing that his new relationship doesn't work out. I don't like feeling this way, but that's how I feel. Last night, a friend mentioned that forgiveness is a process. Yes, you would like to forgive him, but you're still feeling the pain. You're not fully healed yet, and that's ok. Depending on the depth of the wound, it takes some time to fully heal. Hearing that from my friend reassured me that even though I'm still feeling like this, I will heal one day. You will, too. Just acknowledge that you're not completely healed yet, and that it's ok. No need to rush. *hugs* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coyote9 Posted December 1, 2007 Share Posted December 1, 2007 Congratulations Wandering...you've put some great stuff up here....time is a great healer of all things. I'm finally finding much of what consumed me for so many months following the breakup is fading like last nights dream....slowly we get ourselves back, let go, and begin become open to life again. Significant days (birthdays, holidays, anniversaries) are tough, but in the long run we just keep moving forward. Thanks for your inspiring words and strength over these many months... Coyote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted December 1, 2007 Share Posted December 1, 2007 When I look back upon my relationship, I think of it as a beautiful dream that at times took my breath away and I'll never forget her smile or how we made love. I have no idea how she is doing now but I hope she is doing well and getting the most of her days and that she has found that special someone that makes her smile like I used to. For all those out there looking for an answer to alleviate the pain, there isn't one. Wandering, this was just such an amazing post/thread. How very striking to me, too, having just returned from a trip (and have been wanting to post here, and will very soon, with some of the exact things you expressed so artfully here.) I especially love the excerpt above. But like beebee and Iarra, though I have taken some giant steps forward in leaving him behind instead of dragging him around everywhere as I was before in my minid, I still can't find myself saying what you have expressed here which I put in bold. It's so very generous and unconditionally loving. I cannot imagine wishing him to be smiling from someone else (especially after lovemaking!) the way he did with me. I have a few moments where I think, "Gee! Maybe I don't even care if he has someone at all!" and it feels like a revelation -- ! But to actually be WANTING him to be loved by someone else...that I can't bring myself to at this point. I have to say, you are magnificent! And how do you get to that point? Give me the secret so that my heart can be as full of love for his wellbeing and happiness as I really want it to be! And you are right. There really is NOTHING to alleviate the pain, even the solace of friends here who stick around and listen time and again, and share their own stories. In the end, each healing is as unique as each breakup, as you were saying. The one thing that I have found to be quite stunning is that if you leave Time to Its own devices, it WILL serve you as a faithful friend in the end. You have to trust it with almost blind faith, put your life literally in Its hands. You cannot ask Time "how long will it take?" Time is silent and will not give you answers until they have been lived out, with you just putting one foot in front of the other. I have learned so much about patience, (even though I already am a very patient person), more patience for myself then I have ever had to have. Patience against the raging sense that I cannot possibly see the light at the end. And now, there is light -- and it's not the end, it's the beginning. As someone said (ironically enough, at a 12-step meeting I went to with my ex, who went to them), "I feel so blessed and light now, knowing that every time a door closes for me, it is another door swinging open." I thought that was so perfect, and I'll always remember that. Wandering, I think it's just so wonderful to have your inspiring words here, they always bring me up. I posted at my one year mark also, and while that was 3 months ago, I still have a ways to go to be able to say all the things you did. Maybe I just have to travel even further? I cannot say enough for travelling, to recover, but I will try in my own thread soon. I am still thinking it all through. But thanks for an echo of all I am feeling now. You're the best! Hugs! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
just M.E. Posted December 1, 2007 Share Posted December 1, 2007 Wow WS, what a wonderful thread, as usual you are the master of the perfect thread, so well written and inspiring!!! I wish the same for my ex, but it is more difficult, because he has never faced his demons and he is an angry man. I am at 6 months, but I am returning the that person who is happy as a way of being, not generated by circumstances, but that it was my natural state. I have learned a lot about myself in these 6 months and I know more clearly now what I want from my future. Whether I get it or not is another subject, but I know that trying to make something less into something more will never work. It is a funny thing, but I feel I am blossoming at 55 more than I have in 20 years. I know that be alone, living alone, I can be truly happy and I won't take a chance of missing life by a blind choice again. I may or may not find love again, I hope I get one more "go round", I am willing to get back on the horse and give a try, but I still have wounds to finish mending before I give it that try. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beebee Posted December 1, 2007 Share Posted December 1, 2007 thank you all for your input... it is always appreciated... hugs... i suppose the main thing that bothers me is that ive heard from people "you MUST forgive him"... i mean, not to get too religious, but it reminds me of God on the cross saying "forgive them for they know not what they do"... or something like that... i mean dont get me wrong, im nowhere near trying to prosalatize about anything, its just that im not God... i cant forgive... and if i need to forgive in order to fully heal, im in deep trouble... its been a long time (ok, dont kill me, 4 years im ashamed to say)... i laugh, i cry, i engage with others, i dont talk about him anymore but i do think of him and this "resentment, betrayal, hate" comes out of me... it scares me... ive tried to forgive... i really have... but it all comes back to the same feeling... HE KNEW what he was doing... he DID IT anyway... his entire time with me makes me feel like a fool... i was a "novelty act"... something to play around with and i just dont forgive him because my trust in him and his words were so absolute!... oh well... maybe in time it will disappear... i dont even want it to fade... i would like for someone to say his name and me respond "who"?, totally wiping him out of my mind... thanks for letting me vent once more... hugs to all... beebee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wandering_Sword Posted December 1, 2007 Author Share Posted December 1, 2007 Thanks coyote9 and just M.E., the travelling and the year to think was great but the support network that is here with everybody helped so much more that I shudder to think what my status would be now without it. I know some others on the forum think that hanging around on ENA has hindered there healing and if you are using the forum looking for similar situations that may provide answers, then yes, I would agree with that accessment. But if you are helping others, even the ones that are not even remotely near your own problems you gain a new set of tools that contribute to your own understanding of your own situation. I think these types of beneficial interactions allow you to step outside of yourself and see things for truly what they are. TOV: From the way you expressed yourself I can tell that you are undergoing the same trip and beginning to see things through that haze that got thrown up during the early phase of your breakup. If nothing else Time is a our greatest asset, but also what we do with it is just as important. "...I still have a ways to go to be able to say all the things you did. Maybe I just have to travel even further?.." I think we need to go as far as we need to go and we will know that distance from our personal "compasses." beebee: When I was trying to understand what was going on, I never had the intention of forgiving my EX since I was not completely sure what I was upset or angry about (other then the breakup). I think the end result is forgiveness that is naturally given and not through active cognizance. I was more concerned about my sanity and how I felt about the whole situation, so my efforts were, I guess, quite selfish. But over the course of my internal dialogue I became less upset over the situation and the indignation I felt initially. I see it as my scars from gentle times as they were not truly as bad as I thought they were and only increased in magnitude because I kept on placing a magnifying glass on it. As soon as I chucked the magnifying glass I was able to see that it was small compared to everything else that was in my life. Remember the tiniest spider becomes a monster under such detail and so does your EX. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wandering_Sword Posted November 29, 2008 Author Share Posted November 29, 2008 It's now been officially two years since my EX and I parted ways. And believe it or not, I actually feel better this year. I thought after one year I went as high as I could go but apparently there's more. As I wrote at the beginning of this thread, a year had passed and I was feeling amazing after taking time out for myself and doing a "reboot" of my life. I had gotten myself back and everything was on an up swing and I thought to myself that it could not get any better. For the first time in my life I'm glad I was wrong. I saw more things and completed more tasks then ever before. I dated a few ladies that were more charming and/or beautiful than the last. And you know what? I had not thought about my EX till I talked to Desiderata (another forum member) and started writing this post. My EX was so far gone out of my head, it seems surreal that the breakup was even a part of my life. I remember distinctly during the first week of the breakup, how I was ever going to make it to the following week much less two years from that point. Things looked grim indeed and that just brought me crashing down even further. I felt like Sisyphus pushing that accursed boulder in Hades and could see no end in sight. So in the end I had nothing but time on my hand and a girl to forget. A year had passed by and I did get exponentially better, thus my start of this thread to help people in a similar position. I've also noticed that many people that get better don't come back to assist or to spread the knowledge they've gained. This is the goal with my thread. Each year I will come back and add what I've learned to this thread hopefully I can help someone out there with their problems. And for those out there wondering if your EXs thing about you... They unequivocally do. If any true measure of love existed between the two of you before the breakup, it will always exist. Maybe not in its original context, but it will be there. I say this because my EX called me back in May and to this very day visits my blog faithfully on a daily basis (as she has been for the past two years). Sadly, I can and will not do anything in regards to her not because I'm vindictive or petty, but rather because I'm indifferent and looking forward to the future and not the past. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cristal Posted November 29, 2008 Share Posted November 29, 2008 Great update WS! Thanks for coming back and sharing your story with us. It has also been 2 yrs. with my ex. I received a text from him yesterday after 1 whole year of NC and it is amazing to me, that my emotions are not going haywire. I plan on not even texting him back! Just goes to show you how time and NC is our greatest healer. Keep truckin' man. You are doing great! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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