always crying... painful... help

[kungfumaster]

Hi everyone,

 

I need some help. Well, I posted before about my selfishness... and there was a deeper issue. I am not spending enough quality time with her and I am worried too much about work.

 

Last night... things went crazy. I was at work, and forgot to call her... I was so busy - many students came in to ask for help, which made me fall behind in my own work, and so I forgot to call her when I should have. We have agreed that I would call her or write her email, once a day when I'm at work, just to "connect" for that few short minutes. But, I was so busy and trying to finish my work for the day that I forgot. I was just trying to finish so I can get home earlier. But she exploded. Again... there was an issue. She feels lonely and isolated, and depressed.

 

Her background: Came to North america for school when she was 14 (parents are from Hong Kong - still there), lived with her uncle who didn't treat her so well. Cousins didnt' treat her well. Her parents went bankrupt so she has to drop out of university to work to pay off her parents debt and help them. Worked really hard at restaurants waitressing... worked so hard, hurt her health. An "old friend" living with her uncle and her in north america helps her parents out by giving her money (to give to her parents)... and sexually molests her. Lost her immigration status because her student visa expired. Later moved to another city to live with an ex-bf, who was also her employer. She worked really hard for her ex-bf's company too. Felt in the end they were not compatible, that she was basically living his life.

 

Then she met me (we went to the same wedding). Moves out here with me after 1 year long distance. We basically decided to move in together and she move to my city because we want to be together.

 

She really misses her parents a lot. Haven't seen them in 2 years. If she goes back, she can't come back to north america due to the fact she has no status here. We are applying for "Common law" sponsored status, but she keeps putting off the application because she is unsure about us.

 

She is not working right now. Hasn't been working for a year now. She feels I don't love her anymore, because it wasn't like at the beginning where I completely devoted my whole mind and heart to her (we were long distance at that time). After we moved in, she says it all changed, and after I proposed, she feels I stopped loving her. She is right in a sense. After I proposed to her, and after she moved in, my mind was serious now. Its like its real now, and I have responsibility to provide for us and a future family. So, I took my work more seriously, and spend more time on it now.

 

It is always a sore point though... my work and my relationship. Every fight we've gotten into has somehow to do with "while I was working" - either I forgot to call when I was at work, or I didn't email her, or I work at home, or I'm stressed about work. All this has, I agree, affected the quality time we should be spending with each other this past year. I understand that. I am beginning to make up for it... every day, little by little. For example, I never take my work home anymore. I try to just leave work at work... and that's it. No point stressing about it at home.

 

I feel she is really demanding. She keeps our place pretty clean... and everything has to be in a certain place, and organized. That is fine. We have our own jobs to do (cleaning dishes, mopping floors are my job) and she does other stuff. That's fine. So I do my job, and its fine.

 

She can sleep in whenever she wants, but I can't because I have to work. But whenever issues come up, she wants to talk to me about them when I am half asleep (1am-7:30am) because she has to talk about it. The last couple of nights, she wouldn't let me sleep because she wanted to talk about our issues... its fine, I want to too, but not when I'm half asleep. I never get enough sleep... I don't remember the last time I got good 8 hr sleep. I might take a nap after I write this. She always complains about me... I don't love her enough, I don't spend enough quality time with her, I don't do this, I don't do that... I don't email her anymore, write little notes, ... etc. I remember she has mentioned this before, so I've done them again because she wants them, i.e., write little notes, write emails... but I don;t do them as often now, because of my work. She feels that I never do it...even though I do, but not as much or equally same volume as when we first met.

 

Big thing when I proposed: she found out that I got her an engagement ring. She didn't like the size of the first diamond. She asks to get a 1 carat diamond because that is what she always wanted. So I get her a one carat diamond, even though, we would be in debt for 6 months. I have almost forgotten the whole incident... but she always is so proud of her 1K diamond ring, and shows it off, and says I'm not proud of it, and I don't gloat over it when she shows other people. This is because I don't feel that was my idea... it was her idea. I am happy in the end, she has a 1K because she is happy with it, I always feel I just don't ever measure up.

 

She is very particular about what she likes and doesn't like, so some of my gifts to her, she has said she doesn't like, and thereforeeee she says, I don't think about her because I don't know what she likes. She is right in a sense... sometimes, I have to pay attention more about what she likes... but I always feel afraid is she will like what I get her, other wise, she will make me feel bad for getting a gift she doesn't like (see "afraid of doing anything" post). I am afraid to do anything nice for her, because if she doesn't like it, or in her specific way she wants it, she'll let me know. I don't know. ITs just really hard because she is so demanding.

 

Last night, I asked her if she thinks she is just "a little bit" demanding... and she cried, and ran out of our apartment. It was cold so I went to search for her and picked her up. She feels attacked by me for saying that.

 

She says she is still in pain from the last 10 years from what happened to her, and that she though I would be the one, the gentle guy that would give her hope. I did at the beginning, but now, I have changed and become another guy. It is true... my love for her has changed from the "teenage/honeymoon" love at the beginning. She says that it should always be like when we first met... the degree of love, and feeling of love as it was in the beginning. I said, yes, but not all the time. IT would take alot of work for that to happen, but she feels that it shouldn't be that hard.

 

I always feel that we have other, more important things to worry about... her immigration application, wedding stuff, my work, but she wants to be "in love" like at the beginning. I just don't have the energy?!?! I have stress from my job, and when I get home, I have to work for our relationship. Its tiring... but I'll do it. But she feels I never try hard enough, or that its never good enough. I'm always the one flubbing up, and she gets mad, or cries, or is depressed. I don't remember the last time she didn't cry or be mad or be depressed in 2 straight days... I don't remmeber the last night she DIDN'T cry. Its hard for me to see her cry. Do I have more of the responsibility for making her cry and depressed than herself?

 

I don't know. Please... any thoughts would be great.

 

Thank you for letting me vent. I'm so tired....

Kung fu

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Hi there -- It is not your fault. Her unhappiness, control, and constant complaining have very little to do with you and everything to do with her own mental status. Does she have friends? Any kind of life outside of the relationship?

 

Relationships are supposed to add to and enrich our lives, not drain the life out of us. Ask yourself what you're getting out of this relationship? What is it doing for you and to you? What is it adding TO your life?

 

Also, do you believe your efforts are reasonable? Do you believe that she's being reasonable?

[Mavis VDSande]

Hi there...

 

I just read something you posted not so long ago. Please take the time to re-read this particular paragraph:

 

Have u ever felt like you can't do anything right for your fiance/partner/gf? Last night, she was sick and she usually cooks dinner, so I thought maybe I'd give it a shot... so I tried, but she woke up and started screaming at me because I wasn't cutting the meat right. She says I am selfish once again, and that I didn't even think of her, because I didn't even ask weather what I'd cook she will like. Its true, what I was going to cook was quick and easy, and I'd like it.

 

And over last summer, I planned a nice 2 year anniversary for us with a boat ride, and a circque du soleil, but she said I spent too much. She didn't mind the boat dinner cruize, but didn't like circque du soleil.

 

Its just frustrating that I try, but I just don't succeed making her happy. I'm to the point that I am always afraid if what I"ll do for her, she'll like it or appreciate it.

 

It is true, I have to listen closely to her, and yes I do try. But, sometimes I forget what she tells me. I guess I have to really listen to her.

 

Anyways, thanks for letting me vent. LIke now, she is asleep, and I don't know whether I should wake her up or not? Anyways, she told me she wanted to be woken up, so I guess I will. Hopefully, it will be OK.

 

It sounds like your fiance has come to make you feel like you're being selfish. In reality it appears that she is being selfish and that her past is not allowing her to let this rels grow.

 

The more you put up with this behaviour the more indulgent she will be, I believe. The bit that breaks my heart/annoys me is her delay in you both getting married because she's unsure of the rels.

 

After all you've strived to do for her and your future!

 

I say stop walking on eggshells. A healthy rels should be loving, caring and full of honest communication. She may be affected by her past but it does not give her the right to make you feel bad day in day out and not try and understand where you're coming from.

 

Rels = compromise. Ask yourself - do you want to live like this for the REST of your life? When you have children and she screams that you're not being a good father? That you're being messy and selfish??

 

This is not looking good.

[Just-a-Girl]

Wow, you really need to step outside of this situation and try to look at it from a different perspective. It sounds like you're really trying to be what she wants and needs and she's being completely selfish about it. This won't change, she is who she is. You need to decide if this is healthy and right for you - I get that you think you're in love, but could it be that she's just put you down so much that you feel like you couldn't do anything right for any women, you might as well stay with this one? Don't let her or anyone else trewat you this way, no one deserves it.

 

Of course the relationship/love has changed, for one thing you've been beaten down constantly, how can your feelings be the same, and it's been a couple of years, things change.

 

Anyway, personally, I think you should get out now before you get sucked into years of feeling the way you do right now. It will hurt to break it off, but once you're away from her for a while, I bet you'll look back and realize that you didn't actually feel as strongly for her as you think.

[nicholas1969]

kungfumaster:

 

I have to say that I agree with both MVDS and just-a-girl. When I first started reading your post, I thought "this guy has to start doing this and that" - but then I see that you ARE doing lots of nice things for her. You are really trying to accommodate her. And you are doing it from your heart and with patience (who else would stay up all night long talking about issues).

 

She has some serious issues with anger. I cannot believe she yelled at you for making her dinner "not the way she likes it" - you were doing something really sweet and she turned on you and called you selfish???? Wow. That is manipulative and mean. Lashing out with anger.

 

She has some serious issues with control. She was out of control her whole life and has an obvious need to control her present - which means you. Example of control: When she crys and storms out of the house because you bring something up. Classic. She is getting a lot of attention and getting what she wants - she wants to "train" you to never bring up her issues.

 

The problem is this: you are in love with her and keep finding the little signs of hope. Am I close? You hope she will see - and then change. But this is unlikely - why - because you are staying and trying and trying. So why would she change? She has no reason to. And know this: YOU CANNOT CHANGE HER. She can only change from within - but has no reason to as long as you or the next guy or the next puts up with her. Why subject yourself to that? Why enable her?

 

So - think of this - if you get married, then she will have even more of a lock on you. Do you think she will get better? No - she will get worse. Don't let that happen. Sorry to be so blunt. I am a Christian and I believe in marriage and that it should be forever. And I also believe that when you love someone, sometimes the best thing you can do for them is to let them go so they have to take responsibility for their life and perhaps see that they need professional help. Love does not have to be miserable for you - it should not be.

 

Don't be the guy who puts up with it for 15 years and then finally can't take it anymore - and whose children are hurt from a nasty divorce. Don't let it go that far.

 

IMO she needs some serious counseling. But you cannot make her. And you may want to get some help, too - to be sure you have support in what you need to do - and to make sure you don't end up in another similar relationship (there is a reason you are putting up with this - fear of being alone - of not finding anyone else - - - - what do you think?) Counseling is not a bad thing - it is great and it helps a lot.

 

Seriously, this woman may have some nice qualities and you may love her - but don't allow her to control you. The only way to do that is to not be there for her to control. I am so sorry to be so harsh - but I have seen this time and time again - the pattern is the same - and the results are the same.

 

Good luck and may God give you the peace, wisdom and strength to do what is right and best.

[RayKay]

Alright...I read this and thought:

 

"He is going to make himself miserable trying to make her happy".

 

I understand you really care about her, but the impression I get is she is more interested in the status, in having someone to dote on her and fill her "expectations" of a "perfect husband" rather than work on a healthy, respectful relationship with you. Do you really want to be with someone whom has no respect for you - only criticism and demands?

 

For you, does a happy marriage and relationship really involve someone whom is critical of every generous thing you do, controlling of every step you take (or don't take) and whom seems to be set on having you as unhappy about life as she seems to be?

 

I am sorry but marriage is not going to change whom she is, and neither will staying and talking anymore.....she seems to play the passive-aggressive role when it suits her - either to confront you or to deny her own responsibility when YOU also have a problem with someone. It's fine for her to have problems with everything about you; but as soon as you have any comment on her, she acts like a child.

 

Seems to me she is doing such a good job at this that you are the one thinking you are doing all the wrong.

 

Sorry, I think she is incredibly selfish and this is never going to be a very loving, respectful relationship.

 

Not sure what you envision for your life, but in your shoes I would be thinking that I want a supportive, loving, respectful, appreciative woman as my life partner - not a passive-aggressive, nagging, critical ungrateful "child".

 

She may indeed have many issues from her past - that SHE needs to deal with and NOT use as an excuse for treating you this way.

[alcide]

Every bit of comment is good couldn't agree more, i think this is an abusive relationship. As nicholas1969 said dont wait 15yrs to fall out where ur children will suffer.

 

She is only for her self and don't care about you. What do you need a woman how doughts you and thinks that you lie to her on your working hours becuase you don't call, i don't think you need that kidda lost.

 

Beside don't you think she's all about vanity? Does she do any thing for you? Think of your self too and i can even see you trying to make excuses for her. But you should stop. Good luck... I know it hard to let go because im in that almost exact situation as you.

 

And finds it so hard to let go, although i know thats wat i need.

[Aleadragonhawk]

This woman is living in a fairytale world that isn't connected to reality, and you can see that through how she refuses to accept your need to work and other things like that. Not calling her at work every single day? That's okay, in a normal relationship. Maybe having a steady date to call her afterwards so she'll know when you'll be home would work, but things do happen, and her instance on making you feel bad for being responsible is part of what makes me think that she's not entirely in touch with reality.

 

EDIT: Look closely at these words. "I need some help. Well, I posted before about my selfishness... and there was a deeper issue. I am not spending enough quality time with her and I am worried too much about work.

" Are they yours, or are they hers?