I think he broke up with me because he fell for me

[dakotaff27]

My boyfriend and I were together for 7 months. Still a young relationship but honestly amazing. Everyday got better and better. I can't pinpoint any major problems in our relationhip except for our age difference. This is something we discussed a lot because I did not want to get into a relationship that he was unsure about. We decided we didn't care and we just wanted to be with each other. Things were going awesome. The same day he came over to break up with me he was leaving me messages how crazy he was about me and the day before how he missed not seeing me. I was completely confident in our relationship.

 

When he came over everything was still normal. No intuition that anything was weird. It started getting late so I told him I was going to go to bed and I knew he couldn't spend the night because he had to take his sister to the airport in the morning. Anway, he told me he was going to lay down with me. (Completely normal) So he lays down with me and then I get that uneasy vibe that something is wrong so I ask him about it. He tells me that he doesn't think our relationship is meant to be and he doesn't want to be with me anymore. I couldn't believe it. We talked for about 3 hours after pretty much just going in circles. I really just didn't understand. He was holding me and kissing me (making out with me kissing) and I could tell he was just trying to play it cool.

 

Well his sister happens to be one of my best friends so of course I called her at 3 am really upset. She couldn't believe it. She didn't have any idea either. My friends are in complete shock because when he was around me they told me wow that guy really adores you.

 

He had given me his email password a long time ago which he thinks I forgot which I honestly never ever check. But this break up was so out of the blue my only conclusion was he met somebody else. I checked his emails and nothing. No contact with anybody. Facebook, myspace, is regular email, no signs of anything. I mean he would usually check his emails in front of me anyway just because my internet was a lot faster than his.

 

Well its been 8 days since we broke up, and there has been zero contact. Its really hard because he honestly became my best friend. We both had each other still on our top friends as of yesterday but I took it off.

 

I really just don't get it. Oh and I was his first relationship too. Honestly I want my relationship back.

[love4life]

Hi dakota. Welcome to eNA! I'm sorry to read this, but your situation sounds very similar to my break-up nearly 5 months ago.

 

The more you read on here the more you'll realize that so many women get dumped by men for no clear reason. The one reason is: he's afraid of the commitment, afraid of making the wrong decision, etc. It's very common, actually, though incredibly painful.

 

As for him falling for you - I believe it. My ex was complimenting me the day after we broke up, which just made me even more confused. His friends told me how happy he was with me and how much he talked about me, too.

 

Bottomline: your ex is afraid to make a decision about being with you, so he realizes he has to let you go altogether.

[dakotaff27]

Just why end something so great. Why is that sooo scary?

[thouse]

Hi dakota. Welcome to eNA! I'm sorry to read this, but your situation sounds very similar to my break-up nearly 5 months ago.

 

The more you read on here the more you'll realize that so many women get dumped by men for no clear reason. The one reason is: he's afraid of the commitment, afraid of making the wrong decision, etc. It's very common, actually, though incredibly painful.

 

As for him falling for you - I believe it. My ex was complimenting me the day after we broke up, which just made me even more confused. His friends told me how happy he was with me and how much he talked about me, too.

 

Bottomline: your ex is afraid to make a decision about being with you, so he realizes he has to let you go altogether.

Love4Life is right, my ex tells me how great, pretty, special, blah blah I am everytime we see each other, but he's scared of the committment and he knows at this point I won't accept anything short of that so here I am on ENA.

[dakotaff27]

I just want it back. Maybe there is no hope for it. I don't know. But I went to the immediate no contact.

[CatsMeeoow]

Give him his space ---- that is the one thing I FAILED at terribly.

 

I know if I had we'd be together today.

 

Keep NC... if it's just that he's scared you'll hear from him... it may be awhile so get yourself busy and keep YOUR life interesting...

 

I wish I had gone NC a long long time ago.

[love4life]

I also didn't do strict NC, and I wish I had now. You're doing the right thing.

 

No, it doesn't make sense to you, because you are a relationship-minded person. He isn't. He has a lot of growing up to do before he can give you the commitment you deserve.

[dakotaff27]

Its also hard because his sister is my best friend.....and i mean truist friend. As much as I wish I could dump her for a little I can't. And she bought nutcracker tickets for me the other day for us to go see, but she is also bringing his little sister and his mom. Ugh, I want to go to this ballet so bad, I don't know why she would invite them too.

[demolition_lover88]

this made me sad! i can understand how you are feeling hun.

 

my boyfriend isnt speaking to me! i wish he'd finish with me face to face!

[bridgid8]

And she bought nutcracker tickets for me the other day for us to go see, but she is also bringing his little sister and his mom. Ugh, I want to go to this ballet so bad, I don't know why she would invite them too.

 

I am so sorry you have to go through this. I was with a commitment-phobe too. I know you want to go to the ballet, but do you think it is a good idea to sit for hours with his family next to you? This is still SO fresh for you. Maybe you could get tickets with another friend on a different day?

[dakotaff27]

Yea, its still 3 weeks away so maybe by then things will be easier. one week down, the rest of my life to go. I just hope he realizes things and misses me. But i know only time will tell.

[S agapo]

I agree 100% with love4life and CatsMeeoow.

 

Give him space, go in LC, if not NC, and try try keep urself busy.

 

If he comes back to you with a honest heart, you have got him, if he hasn't and gives you excuses, then leave him be, and find someone who wants to be in a relationship with u without confusing u.

 

But take one step at a time, and give it some more time of LC/NC and if u do not hear from him after some time, call him. U need to know where u stand.

 

I feel I ruined every single chance by not leaving my ex alone to have his space and to figure what he wanted clearly without me becoming so needy and pushy and always pushing for answers (but, we had LDR, and him asking for to space to me was rediculous so u can se why i reacted so bad).

 

Believe when I say, the more u try for someone who isn't sure at this time, the more you will get nothing from him in return, you'll become so angry and frustrated of the whole situation. End up saying things you do not want to say and regret it when it is too late. You've pushed them away.

 

Just give him some space, and just maybe he will realize what he could loose.

 

I wish with all my heart I dealt my situation a lot better and a lot calmer with Integrity.

 

Its funny how u realize what u had to do when its too late. My heart is broken b'cos I feel I pushed him away when he just needed some time alone. This is how i feel, but i don't know the real answer why he decided his decision.

 

u still have a chance . Keep ur emotions calm, and don't over power your negative thoughts.

 

 

Remember this

Let him come to u

[dakotaff27]

Thank you Gemini for the positivity, I really need it. His sister told me he came home crying after we broke up and he's been moping and not doing anything and pretty sad. I am trying to keep my cool around her but its hard because she has been through all my break ups and my support system. She promised me that anything I told her she would tell him but then again you really never know what she will tell him.

 

I know I need to give him his space. Its just really hard when you talked to someone everyday. It takes a lot of will power not to text him how much I miss him, but it will probably fill a void for him that he should not receive. I have to take it one day at a time. I just don't feel like it was supposed to end.

[S agapo]

I know I need to give him his space. Its just really hard when you talked to someone everyday. It takes a lot of will power not to text him how much I miss him, but it will probably fill a void for him that he should not receive. I have to take it one day at a time. I just don't feel like it was supposed to end.

 

 

God I feel everything u have written here and it has brought tears to my face and pain to my heart b'cos I really miss my ex with all. Its a very odd feeling I can only express deeply emotionally b'cos like urself I felt like it wasn't suppose to end. Thats why I had to fight for him - for us. I believed in what I was doing was right at the tine, but most of what i was actually doing was loosing him further in constantly chasing him for answers. I was ruining my odds in getting us back. What adds to my sadness he didn't fight for me - for us. I should of gone NC staright away, but I did the opposite.

 

Give ur situation a winning chance by stepping back and let him decide what he wants. A life with u, or a life without u. A life to be scared of commitment, or a life to face that fear and (b'cos we all do) to be with someone who loves him. If one doesn't break that shell, one will never know what a great feeling it is.. I broke that shell for him. But he didn't break it completely FOR ME

 

If i knew better I would of stepped back, and made him realize what strong person he had like when he met me, and why he was with me, and that i could handle these kind of siuations better. But I was concerned over the fact, was i being taken for granted or not. . I still dunno what my situation was all about and why it happened to this day, and its been 7.5 months. It was hard to juggle what was the right thing to do. But i clearly lost control and panicked.. and hear i am.

 

Its hard not to make that text/email/call .... U know what i am trying to say here... will they forget us if we don't try vice versa etc etc...

 

I wish u luck. I really do.

[S agapo]

One thing I have learnt from my experience

 

Never begg for love

[TMinCali]

This is a great post and should help alot of those in the same situation with dealing with a commitment-phobe.

 

I'm not sure why guys are like this. Why they can suddenly feel afraid of us and our love. Perhaps it's nature's way of forcing men mate with multiple partners, thus guarantee-ing the human race survives. Who knows... perhaps I watch Animal Planet too much

 

Just hang in there. They do come back once the pressure is gone and once they sort out their heads.

 

I'm currently in contact with my ex (I hate calling him that because it's so negative), but anyway, he's the one making all of the effort. Not me. I just sit back, remain cool and treat him as if he were just a friend. Granted we "got together" a week ago.. doh... but he is just my friend.

 

Remember, slow and steady wins the race. It will take time

[S agapo]

I just hope dakotaff27 hangs in there and stays strong. For herself, and hopefully the man she loves will turn around back in her direction!

 

Q: Do they come back even when things ended in the end on bad terms.. ie.. I couldn't take the way things were going anymore (he ignored me for so loooong) at the end I rudely told him were to go followed by wishing bad luck with it. This was out of so much anger i was feeling towards the siuation. I did apologize for my attentions. My chances are lost arnt they?

I found myself aplogizing all the time..

 

Having said that, if mine did want me back, he would of been back ages ago now

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know i ruined every single chance.

[JadedStar]

I honestly might be a big cynic but when a guy breaks up with a girl there is usually a reason and sometimes it is very sudden and they are pretty good about not showing it prior.

 

I would not waste my time thinking he fell hard and that is why he broke up because that is something you are not sure of and it makes very little sense.

 

There are commitmentphobes, yes, but i think more people use this as an excuse to account for a break up vs it really being an accurate description.

 

I would ask him for an explanation. If things were good in YOUR mind he needs to tell you what went wrong so that perhaps in the future you can not make the same mistakes (if it were anything you did, probably wasn't but it is good to ask him) with someone else in the future.

 

Some guys are just really good at going thru life like nothing at all is wrong when all along they did want to break up. I don't think they are commitmentphobes as much as they are just good actors.

 

Aso for getting him back - sure you can do NC and do some of the other tactics that run around on this site about winning back an ex, but thing long and hard about that dear heart. Do you REALLY want a man back who could pull the rug out form under you like this when you thought it all was wonderful? I'd be really afraid to make a go with a man like that again. I'd always wonder when he was going to come "have that talk". It sounds like immaturity.

[Snoopy24]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Break ups are probably one of the hardest things to go through.

 

It's hard to say exactly why he broke up with you.. It could be that he is afraid of commiments. ..it could also be he was missing something from the relationship. Sometimes everything can be great. Great conversations, sex, have lots of fun together..but sometimes something is missing. And that might be the case here. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong, you just werent "the one" for him.

 

I highly recommend the book "it's called a break up because it's broken" It will help a lot.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yes, the acting bit. What I find hard to swallow about what the OPs ex did was the whole act of saying I love you, lying in bed together and making out when all the while he planned to break up with her. Maybe he does indeed have feelings for you and he just couldn't handle it so that is why he broke up...but that doesn't excuse his behaviour...if you want to break up with someone, you don't string them along right down to the last second. That is cruel. It shows a severe lack of maturity on his part. Give him all the space he needs because he needs tons of space in order to grow up. You really don't want him back unless he has had time to think about how poorly he handled things and how he sincerely regrets doing what he did. I do believe people deserve second chances providing they have grown up and truly regret their actions...but you have to stay in NC in order to heal yourself, not because you hope he will miss you enough to come back.

[thouse]

Something I have noticed is that if the relationship is going good, and they can see how things could work out that's when they get really scared. It's almost like they would rather see people whom they know they will never be serious about than to actually give things a chance.

[Crows]

I have a feeling my ex may have been freaked out too. Dumped me right before our 6 month saying "im scared"

 

shes been hurt alot by guys.. and i think she thought i was turning into one of those or something... ugh

[ellestar]

... It sounds like immaturity.

The only explanation that seems plausible. It's the only one that explains my situation with my ex. He's 29. I was his first real long-term relationship (we lived together too).

 

You said there was an age difference? By how much?

 

The same thing happened with me nearly 5 months ago. I was living with the guy, he was talking about building a family, even recently about my maternity leave, etc., etc. So when he decided he no longer had feelings for me, he was the only one who understood his choice. his mother was even telling her friends and introducing me as the future daughter in-law, so certain we would stay together. well, she wasn't the only one. it came as quite a shock.

 

now, most of our friends are either now living together w/ bf or gf, engaged or, *gasp* getting married - 3 in December alone! he's single and alone and tries to fill his void with lots of "boys nights out" or "PS3 nights - boys only". it's sad.

[SarCareBear]

all i can say is i sympathize.

i was with a girl for about 2 months, we were friends for over a year first and our feelings both changed and it felt magical. we had great chemistry, great conversations, and our mutual friends told us we were the cutest couple that had been waiting to happen.

then i go away for the weekend, get back, and she dumps me just like that. still likes me, couldn't take the thought of getting serious with me and maybe hurting over it one day.

 

thanks to this brilliant site i have been NC since then, and yesterday SHE finally broke it saying "i miss you i don't understand why you won't talk to me". so against my better judgement we started talking and i brought up the breakup and when i started to get really angry about things, i DIDN'T stop talking, like i should have, and effed it up by making her mad.

 

so my true advice: get dumped for no reason??? they DEFINITELY do not deserve your attentions, unless they have searched their soul and feel remorse. this girl had not done either of those beyond an 'i'm sorry this is how it is', and she "just wants me to be her friend", well too bad, people who break my heart are not my friend. think of yourself FIRST FIRST FIRST in times like this, harness your anger into all sorts of other things and STAY STRONG!!! that person may never know what they're missing, but it will truly be their own loss

[dakotaff27]

I am having a stronger day today. Yesterday was rough...it was nuts, like psycho crying nuts, but at least today I can breath. And I have comfort in the fact he will always compare me to everyone else he ever meets. There was no drama or anger, i mean tears on both our parts. I don't really agree with the cynic who posted before. He doesn't really know the relationship, not that any of your really do, but it was just one of those things.

 

Maybe he's a very good actor, very possible, but damn that's a lot of work to pull off what he did. He did this on an impulsive decision. He said he thought about it for 3 days. WOW a whole 3 days. I am not in his head so I don't really know what is going on.

 

I was trying to find a book, not so much about being broken and how to cope with a break up but more of what the dumper is going through. (Defensive play) but of course there are no aftermaths of the dumpers. Anyway, only time will tell. Day 9 of NC.....woo hoo, even though it feels like its been a month.