toshiba Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 I don't want to live. I'll be spending Thanksgiving all alone...my family suddenly rearranged things about the plans to accommodate another family member and they didn't fit with my schedule but did they care? No...they haven't seen me in year but it doesn't matter to them. They accommodate things for certain family members but I'm expendable to them. Then at work my boss has started cutting me down....making me feel stupid....and he did it in front of others. I do have others on my side and they can't stand him, but how he's acted towards me has affected me already and just added to everything else. He's constantly made me feel like I don't measure up. It's good that others there think that i do but like I said, he's a major influence in my day and it's really taken its toll. Also, my family is unsupportive and has never cared what happened to me. The times I've needed help or been sick, they've never bothered to be there for me or even inquire about me. When people say not to end your life because what it'll do to others....mine won't affect others. I'll be forgotten quickly. I just told my mother how hurt I am that the family doesn't care if I can't make it on Thanksgiving and got off the phone upset and she just doesn't care. Between that and the stuff at work going on, I am feeling too weak to keep going on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BellaDonna Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 Hi and welcome to enotalone. I'm glad that you found us, but I'm sorry that it has to be under these circumstances. It sounds like you are in a very dark place. Sometimes when things aren't going well in life, the holiday season just sneaks up on us and can make us feel worse. I'm sorry that you are spending Thanksgiving alone. I recall that another one of our members on the site faced the prospect of having Thanksgiving alone last year, until they came up with a wonderful idea: They decided that they were going to help others and they went to visit people in a nursing home. Most of these people at the home had no one, and were always alone. Helping others on the holiday made that member feel so much better. Of course it will not solve the conflicts you may have with your family, but you will be surprised how good you can feel if you help another person in need. You can make it one of your most memorable holidays. As for your job, no boss is ever worth taking your life over. Is there any chance of starting a job search and seeing what other options are out there for you for employment? I know it seems easier said than done to just "get another job" but least if you start looking it will give you some hope that you can get away from your boss- you'll know that you have one foot out the door and that you will jump at the next comparable job that you find. You should not have to put up with your boss belittling you. If you start looking elsewhere it is a chance for you to take positive steps to remove yourself from this situation. I hope things get better for you and that you stick around BellaDonna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
onewithbooks Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 I am sorry to hear that you are going through a rough time right now. Its difficult when you feel like you dont even rate with the people who helped to give you life. Then to have your crap boss on top of it all. I know what these things feel like. I know that each person is different. I have had my share of dark days as well, where I just wanted to cash in the chips. I didnt though, and times eventually got better. Now I have a better boss and better friends and a better relationship with my family. I dont have any magical words that will make it all better. What I can say is this. I had hope that it would get better and it did. When it still was bad, I tried to look forward to better times. That was hard!! I knew what I was living in would not last forever. I didnt want a permanent solution to temporary problems. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toshiba Posted November 21, 2007 Author Share Posted November 21, 2007 It's knowing that my family doesn't care. No matter where I go Thursday I'll know I wasn't enough for them to fit the schedule so that they could see me. Regarding the job....I have liked the job and I think it'd be hard to find another one similar....esp after he told me how I rate skillwise. I was in the job market earlier this year so i'm familiar with what it's like out there and I don't want to go back out there. I like most of the people where I'm at and I know there are places out there where a lot of the people are awful. I'm afraid I could get something worse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toshiba Posted November 21, 2007 Author Share Posted November 21, 2007 Thanks. To make matters worse, I suffer from depression and the medicine isn't working. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Supa_gurl Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 I suffer from depression too, and mine is not working lately either. But I try my hardest to look for the positive things in life and you should too. Count your blessings instead of ignoring them. Sorry you spend thanksgiving alone. Where do you live? If near me, you are more than welcome to join my family. (((hugs))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toshiba Posted November 21, 2007 Author Share Posted November 21, 2007 I suffer from depression too, and mine is not working lately either. But I try my hardest to look for the positive things in life and you should too. Count your blessings instead of ignoring them. Sorry you spend thanksgiving alone. Where do you live? If near me, you are more than welcome to join my family. (((hugs))) Thanks for the invite but I'm afraid I'm not near you. I'm sure there are positives somewhere. I'm just tired of trying to find them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Supa_gurl Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 I hear ya. I get tired of trying to find them too at times. But it is never an option to give up on life. Even when you feel that it is the ONLY option. I can't begin to tell you how much I miss my sister who did it. She blew her brains out LITERALLY. So, suffice to say, I understand. What made my sister do it, I will never know. But I do know I suffer from the same depression she had (THANKS MOM!). You came to the right place for support. No matter where you are, or what state of depression you are in, we love you. Please don't give up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toshiba Posted November 21, 2007 Author Share Posted November 21, 2007 Also, I had a guy this year that I really liked and now he's gone. The guys who contact me are nothing like him....not even close as far as intelligence, sense of humor, etc..goes. Plus there is no physical attraction with the guys writing to me. They are all old and overweight lately and that makes me feel even worse like that's all that finds me attractive. So not only did I lose him but he also ended up treating me really bad. I would say that most of the time he treated me great (or good) but the times he treated me bad, he could get cold and cruel. My counselor said he fits the description of a true narcissist. And yet, I miss the connection we had which was great most of the time.....a connection I havent' found with anyone else since. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toshiba Posted November 21, 2007 Author Share Posted November 21, 2007 I hear ya. I get tired of trying to find them too at times. But it is never an option to give up on life. Even when you feel that it is the ONLY option. I can't begin to tell you how much I miss my sister who did it. She blew her brains out LITERALLY. So, suffice to say, I understand. What made my sister do it, I will never know. But I do know I suffer from the same depression she had (THANKS MOM!). You came to the right place for support. No matter where you are, or what state of depression you are in, we love you. Please don't give up. Thanks...it's nice to hear that someone cares. But I'm guessing that my depression would get old after awhile. People will cheer someone up and support someone with the hopes that they get better. When someone sees someone not getting any better or getting better but then falling back into depression again, it just makes people mad. Yes, people get mad at depressed people who don't get better. I've experienced it. There are always those people who say "Well, why aren't you better? You're taking those pills aren't you?" Non-depressed people think that you just take a magic pill and poof, it's all fine. Well I stopped taking the magic pills because they weren't working good enough and they wanted to try something new and I had to stay off of the stuff I was on for five weeks before I could try the new stuff. I've been on the new stuff for close to 3 weeks and no benefit yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Supa_gurl Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 When people genuinely love you, the depression does not get "old". They should be there to support you through it all. I have been blessed with family and friends who care. I know there has got to be someone near you who feels the same. I know from experience that the depression "talks" to you and tells you that there is no one. I wish there was a magic pill, I want it. Nothing I have taken has worked on a regular basis. You will make it, you just have to change your thoughts and mind to believe it. I do it regularly, you can too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
k_1971 Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 good advice, almimom. we never tire of reassuring the ones we love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toshiba Posted November 22, 2007 Author Share Posted November 22, 2007 When people genuinely love you, the depression does not get "old". They should be there to support you through it all. I have been blessed with family and friends who care. I know there has got to be someone near you who feels the same. I know from experience that the depression "talks" to you and tells you that there is no one. I wish there was a magic pill, I want it. Nothing I have taken has worked on a regular basis. You will make it, you just have to change your thoughts and mind to believe it. I do it regularly, you can too. There's really only one person who cares and she's very old and I've become a drain on her. The other ones simply do not bother. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toshiba Posted November 22, 2007 Author Share Posted November 22, 2007 wow...just two people responded. I am thinking that's not enough to keep on going. Today I'm spending alone. My mom will get mad at me for not going to the family thing and then the others will get mad at me for upsetting my mom. But they won't care how I feel. On top of that, I really only had work in my life and now that is ruined. I am having anxiety attacks about it now. My boss has made me feel like I'm stupid and I'm having to work with a vendor who he thinks is smart and the vendor is the one telling him I am stupid. I was finally feeling I was good at what I do and now I have no self esteem left. I really have nothing in my life and I'm ready to end it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toshiba Posted November 22, 2007 Author Share Posted November 22, 2007 Doesn't anyone care? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flower99 Posted November 22, 2007 Share Posted November 22, 2007 I was finally feeling I was good at what I do and now I have no self esteem left. I really have nothing in my life and I'm ready to end it. Dont' end it. Find something to live for. There is beauty surrounding us. don't let others tear you down. I'm sorry for your struggles right now...I wish I could help Start to change each day. begin to do volunteer work, make a difference in others lives & make friends, volunteer at a shelter, feed the homless (there are many spending thankgiving alone), I'm sorry you are (hugs) but find others & spend it together. visit the sick & elderly. You'll see the difference you can make in others lives & see how valueable you are. You are a good person with a beautiful heart, don't let that go to waste. If your job is sucking & your boss is being a dink...which it sure sounds like he is, quit & find another job. You don't have to tolerate it. You have friends that see your beauty, you need to search yourself & begin to see your beauty too. Find yourself again & find all you are & how special you are. hugs & love Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toshiba Posted November 22, 2007 Author Share Posted November 22, 2007 I don't really have any good friends....none that are really there for me. The ones I have just want to be there during good times. My job.....I can't leave. The jobs here aren't easy to find and I really liked my job before this happened and I like the people. I'm afraid of getting another place where the people would be mean which I've had happen before. I just called a hotline and had a horrible experience. First the person didn't say a thing after I told them how depressed I was so I said I guess you're not going to say anything and they said "ok. bye" and hung up. Then I called back and got a woman who put me on hold right away and I stayed on hold for 10 mins and I finally hung up. Then I called back and the person I got said I should call a friendship line and that I shouldn't call a crisis line. I told them I didn't want to live and she said I should call the friendship line instead. I kept telling her that's not what I needed and she wouldn't listen and then she hung up on me. I called back and they kept hanging up before answering. I can't believe I called a crisis line and this happened. I actually broke down crying after that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flower99 Posted November 22, 2007 Share Posted November 22, 2007 Wow what a crappy hotline. Seek God. Anytime I'm feeling depressed, I reach out to God. He never leaves you even when we separate ourselves from him....he's always there for you. People I've found can never be depended on, we are all human, we all get selfish & stupid and let others down. But God, is faithful, he gives you strength when we are weak, gives hope, peace,....he knows what's best for us all the time & he knows you better than you know yourself. he's got a purpose for you, he's got a plan for you, You are here for a reason...not by accident. Pray, read the bible. I know you may not be a believer, but it's worth a shot. Nothing else seems to be working for you right now...why not try God. He's done wonders in my life, he's helped me through some real hard crap...when you reach out to him, he pulls you near. take a look at this poem it's beautiful it means a lot to me, maybe it will touch you too. Hugs & love link removed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toshiba Posted November 22, 2007 Author Share Posted November 22, 2007 I don't know if I believe that anymore. I used to be a big believer and gradually started to change. Then this year a guy I met got me to see things a different way and I did some reading (such as Carl Sagan) and now I think that religion is something that people created just to cope with life and to cope with things that they don't understand. Sagan (and others) had a lot of things that really proved this belief. I don't want to get into a discussion of religion here though so please, let's not. To be honest, I wish I still believed in all of that because it was a nice escape and it really does help people get through tough times. But once you have the facts in front of you, you can't believe that stuff anymore. Regarding the hotline, I ended up calling another and they were very nice and kind of helpful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flower99 Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 One thing I've found is when you change your beliefs you change your life. You've changed your beliefs, and well your life has changed....and you aren't happy & are wanting to end your life...just honestly think about that...how is this working for you? no one has all the facts, no matter how much they claim they do.People everywhere try to disprove God or prove God, but neither can truly be done. There are many scientist who believe in God many who don't....It's a matter of the heart. Believe- means finding truth in something without proof. it's taking a risk and following your heart...with much to gain & little to lose. change your beliefs you change your life. The way I see it is if you believe in a good & evil in this world, which I do. than there is root...God & devil. also to me, nature is just too beautiful to come from a bang (: that's it. I won't bother you with this anymore & I know you don't want to discuss religion. I guess i just view God as more of a relationship than I religion, but most people don't....so thats it (: take care hun...Oh and this wonderful news that you found a hotline with kind & happy people. I'm happy to hear that...Hugs & love Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toshiba Posted November 23, 2007 Author Share Posted November 23, 2007 One thing I've found is when you change your beliefs you change your life. You've changed your beliefs, and well your life has changed....and you aren't happy & are wanting to end your life...just honestly think about that...how is this working for you? It's working for me about the same as it did when I had beliefs...nothing's changed. The only thing that's changed is thinking that I would at least be going somewhere better after this. Now, I don't think there's anything good to look forward to. take care hun...Oh and this wonderful news that you found a hotline with kind & happy people. I'm happy to hear that...Hugs & love It didn't really help much. It just was a voice at the moment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BellaDonna Posted November 24, 2007 Share Posted November 24, 2007 Hi there. I am glad to see that you are still here talking with us. I'm sorry that your Thanksgiving was not what you had hoped for but I'm glad that you made it through the day. You did the right thing by calling the hotine. You did the best that you could do. Hang in there, BellaDonna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toshiba Posted November 24, 2007 Author Share Posted November 24, 2007 Thanks Belladonna. Actually things have gotten worse today. I didn't post about it though because I didn't think anyone was listening or really wanted to hear anymore about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BellaDonna Posted November 24, 2007 Share Posted November 24, 2007 You can always post here. We're listening. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toshiba Posted November 24, 2007 Author Share Posted November 24, 2007 Thanks BD. My mom told my family that I wasn't there over work issues that were upsetting me---only part true. She won't tell them it's because of them. That I know they don't care about me. So I called two of them yesterday to tell them why I wasn't there and got ahold of one of them and she wasn't very nice. She tried to act like she's tried being there for me (she hasn't tried to talk to me in years). In fact, there were holidays gatherings where she wouldn't even say "hi" to me. That's one of the reasons that kept me from going. I didn't want to experience that and feel worse. She wouldn't let me talk. She kept rambling on and on about how she's tried. I realized she was doing this because then she could feel guilt free. She was convincing herself that she'd done everything she could. I told her how I told the counselor how difficult it had been growing up in this family and she laughed. The other family member didn't bother to call back after getting my message in which I told her why I didnt show up. My mom is pretty old and I am not going to go on without her and can't go through losing her so that's why I'm wanting to end it before she goes. I know I have no one there for me. Plus my mom helps me with a lot of stuff. On top of all of this there are work problems now and also there are things from a previous relationship that are still upsetting me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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