thouse Posted November 14, 2007 Share Posted November 14, 2007 I left my ex because he didn't feel like he was ready to commit. He had just gotten out of a semi relationship with the mother of his child, and she went and got married and had another baby. Anyhow I got tired of waiting so you know women I pushed and he pulled. I broke it off in August and did NC or very LC for about three months. I seen him at a get together at my cousins house and we talked and laughed like we used too. He then asked could he come over on Sunday and I said yes. We ended up having sex and it was nice, but I have been dating other guys and living life so it wasn't like the sex was the end all for me, I took it for what it was "sex" well after we had sex he starts talking about how he wanted to tell me I was right when I said that he was really hurt when his ex did what she did, but that he really didn't want to show that to me (eventhough I knew that) and that now he has had time to deal with it. He said that he knew that him not wanting to commit to me hurt but he feels like he's ok now that he has had time to deal with the other situation. Well I didn't say much but I could tell he was hinting around in his own way. Well Monday I didn't call him, and I didn't call any on Tuesday. Tuesday evening he calls me and says halfjokingly "Oh so you just use me for sex and then not call" After that comment we laugh and talk for awhile and he's asking me about the guys I'm dating and if I like them. My question is how to I get him to open up more to see if giving things another try is an option. I think he's hinting around to it, but you guys tell me. I don't want to just come out and ask, because I don 't want to put him in the position of power by giving him the option of either saying yes or no. I guess my question is how can I lead him to it, with him actually thinking that he led himself there? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Censored Posted November 14, 2007 Share Posted November 14, 2007 Seed it in his mind, make statements that will lead him to question. We could have been so good together etc. Things that he can rebutt, and say what do you mean "could" have. These sorts of questions will get the dialogue going then just keep it. Don't look at is a power or game playing exercise. There is already history between you two, and if you are looking for committed long term, then game playing is not the way to go. I wish you luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thouse Posted November 14, 2007 Author Share Posted November 14, 2007 Seed it in his mind, make statements that will lead him to question. We could have been so good together etc. Things that he can rebutt, and say what do you mean "could" have. These sorts of questions will get the dialogue going then just keep it. Don't look at is a power or game playing exercise. There is already history between you two, and if you are looking for committed long term, then game playing is not the way to go. I wish you luck What if he already says things like, he knows he made the wrong decision, and that he now sees what I was trying to tell him before about how happy we could have been, but was just wrapped up in this other situation to see it. To me it sounds like he is waiting for me to be like "it's not too late" without actually putting hisself out there for rejection, but I could be wrong and just wanting it to be that. That is why I am asking for advice. And yes we have a long history. Friends for 15 years, and seeing each other on and off for about 4 years Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samross Posted November 14, 2007 Share Posted November 14, 2007 Maybe one option might be for you to proceed passively. In other words, see him but don't focus on raising the issue of "getting back together". I wouldn't play games or try to 'lead' him into something, but try to take the pressure off somehow. Don't make the idea of expressing where you two are together a condition for going on. Show him how you feel but try not to make it seem like he has to do the same. It will be hard, I guarantee. I wouldn't talk about who else you may be seeing. Let him wonder and then he will start the pursuit if he is really interested. If that happens, then I would slowly start moving from a passive role to an active role but very EASY. No pressure, no demands for a comittment. It will be hard for you but when think about it, what choice do you have? If forcing the issue doesn't work (an active approach) then try the passive approach (take the pressure of and see where it goes) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Censored Posted November 14, 2007 Share Posted November 14, 2007 Well respond by asking him what is he saying. Be cuthrough with ambiguos statements, make him clarify them. What do you mean by that? You need to be almost clinical about it so that you do not appear to be open yourself up too much. Pretend that you are trying to find out for someone else, yet you don't actually have too much information from the other person. I know it sounds odd, but e needs to be pressed to clarify and support some of the ambiguos statements he is making. Call him on htem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Censored Posted November 14, 2007 Share Posted November 14, 2007 Just saw samross's post, well there you go, two totally different approaches. See how they go Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WaterIsLife Posted November 14, 2007 Share Posted November 14, 2007 I would take it nice and easy. Enjoy spending time together. I think, with time, you will see if he is truly over past things and is ready or not. That said, its never a bad idea to have a deeper conversation with him. Particularly since you know each other as well as you do. Even if it is hypothetical. Maybe you will see that his outlook on things is different now and that he has grown. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zackinlaw Posted November 14, 2007 Share Posted November 14, 2007 My question is how to I get him to open up more to see if giving things another try is an option. I think he's hinting around to it, but you guys tell me. I don't want to just come out and ask, because I don 't want to put him in the position of power by giving him the option of either saying yes or no. I guess my question is how can I lead him to it, with him actually thinking that he led himself there? If your goal is to take the choice out of his hands, manipulate him and bend him to your will, my question is ... why would you want to be with someone you could actually do that with? It's shameless game playing, thouse and I won't advise you on technique. Why not just let the relationship develop naturally by allowing both of you to be yourselves and make your own decisions? He's shortly out of a relationship, so he's going to naturally be reluctant to jump deeply into a new one. Let things develop at their own pace. Zack. ps ... samross put it very nicely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thouse Posted November 14, 2007 Author Share Posted November 14, 2007 I would take it nice and easy. Enjoy spending time together. I think, with time, you will see if he is truly over past things and is ready or not. That said, its never a bad idea to have a deeper conversation with him. Particularly since you know each other as well as you do. Even if it is hypothetical. Maybe you will see that his outlook on things is different now and that he has grown. Should I always make him initiate the contact, or should I contact him also sometimes. I definitely want him to be the one to pursue me since it has always been the other way around. He made the comment last night that I hardly talk to him (but that is because I have been in LC) I just don't wan to start the pattern over again where I was the one doing all the work in the relationship. I was thinking about calling him today and asking him to go to lunch, we are both off work today. What do you guys think?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thouse Posted November 14, 2007 Author Share Posted November 14, 2007 If your goal is to take the choice out of his hands, manipulate him and bend him to your will, my question is ... why would you want to be with someone you could actually do that with? It's shameless game playing, thouse and I won't advise you on technique. Why not just let the relationship develop naturally by allowing both of you to be yourselves and make your own decisions? He's shortly out of a relationship, so he's going to naturally be reluctant to jump deeply into a new one. Let things develop at their own pace. Zack. ps ... samross put it very nicely. Zackinlaw, I understand your point and maybe my post sounds like I want to play games but I don't. What I actually want is to be sure if what I think he saying is actually the case. I also want him to commit on his own terms without me guiding it. I just want to know I am correct in assumptions before putting myself out there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zackinlaw Posted November 14, 2007 Share Posted November 14, 2007 What I actually want is to be sure if what I think he saying is actually the case. Well then, start seeing him again, take things slowly, and gauge his words to his actions. I would take a fairly passive route on the subject of commitment ... the last thing you want is for him to start saying what he thinks you want to hear. I think you would be correct in assuming he is interested in trying again ... does that mean there is a guarantee that things will go the way you want if you put yourself out there? Of course not. Zack. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thouse Posted November 14, 2007 Author Share Posted November 14, 2007 Well then, start seeing him again, take things slowly, and gauge his words to his actions. I would take a fairly passive route on the subject of commitment ... the last thing you want is for him to start saying what he thinks you want to hear. I think you would be correct in assuming he is interested in trying again ... does that mean there is a guarantee that things will go the way you want if you put yourself out there? Of course not. Zack. I think I am assuming correctly also, and I know that doesn't guarantee anything but I can't believe it is finally happening life sure is funny. Just when I had given up on us forever. Anyhow I understand what you are saying about him saying what he thinks I want to hear, but that is one thing about him, he is brutally honest he would never say anything that he didn't want to just to appease me. I just think he's testing things to see where I'm at so that he won't have to suffer rejection, he doesn't do well with that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zackinlaw Posted November 14, 2007 Share Posted November 14, 2007 I just think he's testing things to see where I'm at so that he won't have to suffer rejection, he doesn't do well with that. I don't know anyone who does. Zack. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WaterIsLife Posted November 14, 2007 Share Posted November 14, 2007 Should I always make him initiate the contact, or should I contact him also sometimes. I definitely want him to be the one to pursue me since it has always been the other way around. He made the comment last night that I hardly talk to him (but that is because I have been in LC) I just don't wan to start the pattern over again where I was the one doing all the work in the relationship. I was thinking about calling him today and asking him to go to lunch, we are both off work today. What do you guys think?? Well, personally I am not one for "strategies." I think you should do what feels right to you. Perhaps enough time has already gone by for the both of you to have perspective on things at this point? I appreciate wanting to keep some distance and not wanting to jump in too fast, but to really find out what could happen you'll have to take a chance at some point, right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thouse Posted November 14, 2007 Author Share Posted November 14, 2007 Well, personally I am not one for "strategies." I think you should do what feels right to you. Perhaps enough time has already gone by for the both of you to have perspective on things at this point? I appreciate wanting to keep some distance and not wanting to jump in too fast, but to really find out what could happen you'll have to take a chance at some point, right? Yes, you are right but I just don't want to rush in too fast. I want him to kind of guide things himself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WaterIsLife Posted November 14, 2007 Share Posted November 14, 2007 Yes, you are right but I just don't want to rush in too fast. I want him to kind of guide things himself. Thats understandable. Trust and faith cannot be rebuilt overnight. I would suggest being as open and honest as you can with him. Even if that means telling him why you would like there to be some space between the two of you at this point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted November 14, 2007 Share Posted November 14, 2007 OK, I'm not a man, but if you really like this guy, and you are confident the mess with his baby's mamma is straightened out, I would date him, but keep the sex out of it until you two are officially back together and are in a relationship. If after dating for a while, and things are going well, I see nothing wrong with asking him what's up, that you are looking for a real relationship, and if he isn't, then you should know so you can part ways. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thouse Posted November 15, 2007 Author Share Posted November 15, 2007 Thats understandable. Trust and faith cannot be rebuilt overnight. I would suggest being as open and honest as you can with him. Even if that means telling him why you would like there to be some space between the two of you at this point. Do you guys think I should let him initiate all contact?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WaterIsLife Posted November 15, 2007 Share Posted November 15, 2007 Do you guys think I should let him initiate all contact?? I think you should do what feels right. I don't know if there is a right answer. But then again, I'm not one for the "strategies" you see posted here on ENA. All I can say is to have patience and to give yourself adequate space so you feel comfortable and can think clearly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thouse Posted November 15, 2007 Author Share Posted November 15, 2007 I think you should do what feels right. I don't know if there is a right answer. But then again, I'm not one for the "strategies" you see posted here on ENA. All I can say is to have patience and to give yourself adequate space so you feel comfortable and can think clearly. I guess I just feel like, if he doesn't atleast do most of the calling then in essense I would be chasing him, which is something that I don't want. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eastend_Chic Posted November 15, 2007 Share Posted November 15, 2007 I appreciate wanting to keep some distance and not wanting to jump in too fast, but to really find out what could happen you'll have to take a chance at some point, right? This is why Im now bored with the whole "dont bring balh blah up, just see how it goes" It's garbage. If he says you two should take things slow and makes it clear that he working things out is definitely an option then fine, all for it but when you think by pretending all is well and taking things slow on YOUR OWN will cause a reaction then you'll just sit and wait til Jesus comes back, you'll keep hoping and hoping and you'll be expecting something that will probably never happen thus wasting such much time for no good reason thouse, im kinda in the same predictment as you however tomorrow im having a talk tomorrow with my ex, ive fooled myself with the whole "im cool with pretending all is well" nonsense, Im gonna lie it out that Im sick of being confused on what's going on between us. One min things are lovey and gravy, the next it's like yea whatever, plus the fact that i've been avoiding many guys who want to date me cos part of me didnt want to destroy any chance, chances i've made up in my head. How the hell would I know if there's a "chance" when i havent even bothered to find out in fear of "pushing him away", kept avoid going down that road. * * * ever..Not anymore, Im tired so im gonna make it all clear and if he thinks things should remind the same, Im gonna start enternal NC, call up a friend and see a movie then move on, date and live my life. I've planned that the talk will take place near a theatre. If effort is only onesided, there's no point in wasting your time thouse, if you are sure this is something he would like to try at then please take things slow and you two should think about what caused the rift the first time and try to overcome it this time if the opportunity knocks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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