What women want?

[Ed1]

Hi ENA Members....

 

Just thought I would post this question in the hope that someone can shed some light on the situation.

 

I split up with my long term g/f earlier this year following my affair with another woman. I came clean, and I split with her - which does not justify or make the affair any more palatable, but just needed to make that clear. Anyway, I had had a couple of casual relationships since, but nothing serious. The main reason for this has been that I have been hooked on the woman that I had the affair with. She stuck with her b/f in the end (that is another story).

 

Anyway, what I am finding totally confusing right now is how women seem to not have a clue what they want. A couple of examples....Last week I went out with a great girl who had been introduced to me via a friend. She had been treated like crap in her last relationship, and was looking for someone 'nice'. I take her out for a nice meal, and drinks after, and we have a great date. She texted / e-mailed me all week saying she would like to meet up again. This weekend I take her out again, and we have a great night. This morning she calls to say that she thinks that I am really nice....too nice.....and she needs someone to treat her mean / keep her keen! I am like what?! I could have done that, but a) I genuinely thought she was a nice girl b) she said she was looking for somone nice

 

Another example, I get off with this girl a few weeks ago, play it totally cool, mainly because I was not that interested, and I am bombarded with calls, texts etc.

 

Is this what I have to look forward to? I am nice and women say I am too nice. How can too nice be, taking a woman for a nice meal, a few drinks, a good laugh / chat etc? I never mentioned getting serious, or gave the impression of being needy - as I am not. Conversely, when I am not interested in get the woman being overly keen!

 

I just want to treat a woman with respect, take them on a nice date, have good conversation and take things slowly. I don't want dates where I am sleeping with them the first night - as I see no long term future with this type of date. It just seems such a crazy situation.

 

The woman that I had the affair with was another example. I get off with her, she wants to sleep with me, I wanted to take things slowly and she was in a relationship. Things develop, emotions grow stronger, I sleep with her. We get very close, she says she is crazy about me, in love with me, can see herself have kids with me, marriage etc. I do what I think is right and split with my partner, and then the woman deciedes she is sticking with her partner!

 

Where am I going wrong?

[Lana0120]

Well, first off... don't date anyone who still has an attachment, either actual or in their mind, to a previous partner. Secondly, I think it's simply the case that you haven't met someone who feels the same as you do yet. Don't give up hope. Just be yourself and it'll happen.

[karvala]

You are encountering the all-too-common and sadly destructive "chase syndrome". If someone isn't available, they must be good, and you must prove to yourself that you can have someone if you try hard enough, so you want them. If someone is available and obviously into you, you can tick that box as done, and don't need to make an effort, and you might also think that they can't be that great if other people aren't into them.

 

Of course, I'm caricaturing somewhat, but there's an element of truth here. It's commonly ascribed to men, but in my experience, both sexes do it equally.

 

You have two choices: either play the game, or look for someone else who, like you, has decided to opt out.

[renaissancewoman101]

the "chase" syndrome is very alive and well. People always seem to want what they cannot have. You seem like you like "taken" women, because you probably don't think you deserve to have a real relationship. Sometimes, our minds will do that to us. If we think we don't "deserve" good things, our minds will bring bad things to us because we think that is all we "deserve".

[Ed1]

Thanks for the replies....

 

I understand the chase syndrome, but in most if not all of my examples, I have been the one that has been pursued by the woman. The cases where I have shown an interest, I have treated the woman with respect, taken her out for a nice meal, drinks, good conversation etc. I then get told I am really nice and that maybe they need someone to treat them mean! The only exception is the woman I had the affair with, who still says she loves me, and feels the same for me, but stays with her partner. I choose not to be bitter, and categorise all women the same, persevere and with the next date try to make them feel special, and get the same. I can play the game.....but I am sick of all the hurt that comes with this, and I want to be true to myself and the woman I am with. Women make out us Men are the insensitive ones, but I beg to differ. Maybe a sweeping generalisation, but I just can't work out what women want now days.

 

The date that I went out with this weekend, had been in a long term relationship, had been single for 9 months, and was really keen. As soon as I am nice, take her out on a nice date, she wants a b*stard again! You treat your date bad, make them pay, don't call to thank them for a nice evening etc, and they love you......but then winge that men are insensitive b*stards!

[SW]

Your story is EXACTLY THE SAME as mine. I believe in treating women with respect. Thats who I am I cant change it.

 

My girlfirend just left me for her abusive ex boyfriend.

[Ed1]

It is the women in my opinion that are making the men the way they are today..... I too will treat women with respect and try my best to make them feel special. I have tried the B*satrd thing and it works, but it just made me miserable knowing I was hurting someone.

 

I am begininig to resdie myself to the fact that this is what women want, and join the ranks of insensitive B*stard......problem is I know that won't be the real me, and I will be living a lie! I just don't understand why all these women are making out us men are the insensitive sex - they should start looking in the mirror.

 

I am in no way needy or desperate, I just want to treat my woman well, and make her feel special. I am just tiring of the casual type relationship and all the pretence and game playing that surrounds such relationships.

[servedcold]

You should always be expressing sexual interest in a woman if you feel it. Most women have no idea what they want from a new person other than to feel wanted sexually while feeling respected at the same time. Remember that if a woman is desirable and attractive, she likely has several guys trying to get in her pants at any given time, and in this day and age, probably has a FWB or ex she sleeps with frequently. This is the way she wants it, and if you aren't doing it, it's a turnoff. Be assertive without being aggressive.

 

The man who wins the early dating game gets the woman emotionally involved. Instead of talking about things, facts and ideas (guy stuff), talk about experiences and the way they make you feel, and prod her to do the same, emphasizing the commonalities and begin feeling things together. Being emotionally engaging with definite sexual overtones from the very start is the way to go, and is usually the very opposite of "niceness." Always be a gentleman, but do this in the context of getting her laughing, then feeling, then touching. You have to be different than the other guys chasing her to get your "resume'" up to the top of the stack. My last ex, an extremely desirable woman (on the surface), actually told me that she kept a spreadsheet of men in her life, and bumped them up or down in rank depending on HOW THEY MADE HER FEEL...

 

Take them on active dates, even silly strange dates, that get you both involved in doing something physical. There's a reason the dates on the dating shows are setup like this. They do something physically/emotionally involved, then have drinks and/or dinner. Another thing is that dancing is a very powerful aphrodisiac, and you don't have to be particularly good at it. The more places you go on a date, the better. Better to go several places on a date than one place for four hours.

 

You have the battle half won, as they are becoming attracted to you enough to start seeking more contact. Take that and learn how to flirtatiously get them talking about life experiences and the feelings that resulted, identify and compare those to yours while escalating casual touching when with them and you will be surprised what you can unleash. Best wishes.

[Ed1]

Hey Servedcold....

 

Thanks for your reply.....I totally relate to what you are saying. I am in no way naive in the dating game or how women feel. Only last week I approached things exactly as you advise, and we got very intimate ;o) My issue is that as soon as you start letting your guard down and being nice, they don't like it. When I say this I don't mean being overly emotional, appearing needy, or full on....I just mean a genuine gesture of taking the woman out for a nice meal etc. As I said in my previous thread, I am tired of just putting on this act simply to get in a womans pants.....I want more than that. The woman I had an affair with.....we were seeing each other for 6 months, when she started talking about love, kids, marriage etc, and I could relate to those feelings, I knew I needed to end my current relationship. I should have ended it before doing anything with this woman, but that is a lesson that I can learn from. Anyway, I finish witth my partner, and then the woman gets scared and deciedes to stay with her long term b/f. Despite telling him everything, and meeting me on a mumber of occasions (and telling him) she is still with him - because she says she can't hurt him!

 

I want to find someone that I can love, cherish, and treat like a princess, yet still have the passion and intamacy of a hot and sensual relationship. I am just wanting love, I want passion and intimacy....without playing and messing with the womans head and heart......just beginning to wonder if this is possible.....

[servedcold]

Ed, it sounds like you just turned up a bad apple with the affair. When women say they can't leave someone because they don't want to hurt him, it's never the sign of a healthy relationship, and let's face it, maybe a majority of women out there actually prefer unhealthy, dysfunctional, clingy, up each other's a__ all the time types of relationships. We just have to find one of the minority who don't. I'm in the same boat with you in some ways, didn't mean to sound preachy, and my comments are as much motivators to myself as anything.

 

As far as giving in to showing your feelings and letting them in some, you really can't do this until they are begging you for a ring, and then maybe not even then. I honestly don't understand this, but those are generally the given realities. We just have to suck it up and distance ourselves to keep them attracted until we are absolutely positive they can't do without us.