What a journey it has been!!!!

[houdini]

Hello everyone, it's been quite awhile since I've last been here and there are so many new people and fresh broken hearts. It make me sad to know that so many of you are going through what I went through and still to this day go through.

 

It's been almost 11 months since my ex broke up with me and in those eleven months I went full NC for about 3 months until she made contact with me on my birthday and we spent time together. I thought WOW, this is the beginning of getting back together but I was wrong. She from what I saw only wanted to check in to see if I still cared and loved her ( I still did and still do) after that birthday trip in june she took a step back and said we need to take things slow but she couldnt give 100%. This put me in a frenzy because I wanted so bad to work things out with her and gave her 150% of me and my heart.

 

After I saw how she was distant and how it was bringing me down even more than before when I was in NC I made the choice to take a step back. I told her that I'm not going to subject my heart and my life to chasng her and waiting for her love. She understoond and let me go easily!! It hurt but I had to let go. We did make contact by phone call and text message because we have a son together and there was small talk about the relationship and basically blaming me for shutting the door to reconciliation this time thereforeeee reliveing her of any guilt because NOW it was my fault.

 

Well since june we have been sort of decent towards eachother with little to no contact between us. We contact eachother, or should I say I contact her atleast once every other week to see how things are going with our son and in between I contact her mother to see how my son is doing. As of late I have gone into a major depression cause I miss my ex more lately and kind of feel like I felt when we first broke up. I can't explain it, I'm going through things with my employment and there are changes going on. I feel lost and abandoned and all alone. My ex lives in another state with our son and I made the mistake the past few days confessing how I feel towards my ex and all she say is that the problems we had, my indifference and the way I was chipped away at her love for me and that she wishes I wouldnt have moved back to CA. I only moved back to establish a life for us and she was suppose to move.

 

I'm sorry everyone for rambling but I'm at the point of confusion, heartache and feel lost again. I want her back, I miss her and love her but from her words and actions towards me says she doesnt feel the same anymore. Do I go NC again and let it go for good or do I keep hope that things will change? I'm lost everyone and I need to find myself again but then again I don't want to give up on her!!!!!!

 

HELP!!!!!!

 

Houdini

[ftheunion]

Evolution means well, and gives us feelings, but realize modern society conflicts nowadays more than ever.

 

 

The only remedy I see is to take hardcore philosophy classes. They will help.

 

I suggest not contacting her much, maybe once a month for your son's sake, but make sure you have him come out if/when he is old enough.

 

Its a tough business. But love is a choice to be truly other-centered. Not a feeling. So as long as you leave her be and let her be happy that is most important. No matter how painful.

 

Its tough but will make you a better person. Maybe NC was the best for you. I feel she is already gone, no matter what she says, women still go off their feelings, so thus their "love" fades.

[crookster_man]

Sorry bro, it can be quite hard. Especially since there is a kid involved. I wish you the best of luck

[houdini]

I know she's gone and that is what hurts the most!!!! to truly love someone like you've never loved anyone only to leave you for good is one of the worst feelings ever. I want her to be happy, to enjoy life. She has 3 kids, one with me and 2 from a previous marriage in which she left him becaue she fell out of love. I often wonder is she told her ex everything she told me only to leave him broken hearted like she has left me.

 

She's a very emotional demanding person and expects a lot from her partner but yet doesn't give much in return if things don't go HER way. Despite the difficulty in having a relationship with her I still love her and would do anything to make things work. I know it's a lost cause, I have to let go of hope and move on. Easier said than done!!! even after 11 months of a nightmare rollercoaster.

 

Houdini

[houdini]

She texted me one last text just now that read. "I just wish you would have never left me and that we would have worked things out together. Distance and rejection killed what we had. I'm sorry"

 

 

Now I'm really feeling the heartache!!!!

 

Houdini

[dreamguy]

You said she expects a lot and doesn't give much in return if things don't go her way ? What kind of love is that ? It's not even love because it's selfish.

 

She seems like she's always trying to put the blame on you. That's not a very mature thing to do... is it ?

 

She texted saying that you left her ? Rejection ? Who rejected who here ?

 

Be strong. Don't reply.

[rokston]

I think that NC is almost impossible for you to do here because of your son. You need to be present in his life even if that means putting yourself on the line and having contact with the person who broke your heart.

 

But it may be possible to regaining yourself through putting barriers on your contact. For example completely ban the idea of discussions regarding the relationship and feelings. You are doing this for your son not for yourself.

 

Your ex sounds like she is trying to put all the emotional burden of the break up on you. Do not accept this - it takes two to make things, it takes two to break things. Despite any shortcomings on your part, you do want to make this work. SHE is the one choosing not to! It is her problem to deal with it.

 

I am not suggesting you go out and tell her this. It is pointless. But it may help your perception of things! It was not your fault.

 

I cannot imagine how difficult the situation must be with a child involved. Only the heartbreak part and that is difficult enough on its own!! But stay strong and positive, you will make it through this!!!

 

Take care!

[Clabs]

Hey houdini - what a journey indeed.

 

Fella - I know just how you feel because throw children into the mix and you win yourself a front row seat on the big boys' rollercoaster!

 

You two are not partners any longer but you will need to continue a relationship with your ex as a parent for a very long time. All I can say is that you need to always put your son first - always.

 

rokston is right - you need to put some barriers on your contact so far as the romantic side of things goes. Refuse to discuss it period.

 

Don't allow her to offload her guilt onto you - she needs to grow up and accept her shortcomings in this. You were willing to work on this and she wasn't. Despite my ex's cheating, I wanted us to try and stay together as a family but if the other person is not in, then they are not in - simple really.

 

Your contact with her needs to be civil for the sake of your son. If she causes a scene when your son is in ear shot - walk away from it.

 

This stuff is very wearing and I am not surprised that you feel depressed about it all. It is so hard to have to continue contact with an ex, especially if you still have romantic feelings, but as has previously been said, there is not much you can do except suck it up.

 

Take care fella - it will get easier - time does heal, even in your difficult circumstances.

 

Mark

[dreamguy]

I just realized my reply was not clear. Just so there are no misunderstandings, I didn't say NC was in order in your case houdini.

 

rokston and Clabs are absolutely right about keeping contact strictly limited to issues related to your son.

 

When I wrote "Don't reply" I was solely referring to her specific message where she was obviously trying to make you feel guilty.

[houdini]

Thanks Dreamguy,Clabs,Rokston...

 

I totally understand that I need to suck it up and be the civil one but trust me it's not an easy thing to do. As you have said it's hard to communicate with someone you still love but no longer loves you. It's just as good as going to the dentist to have a root canal on a weekly basis and everyone to tell you to enjoy it!!!!

 

 

She does try and put a lot of blame on me and I do take responsibility for my mistakes. We had lived together for about 2yrs and had many problems and again put a ton of guilt and blame on me for the problems in our relationship. She was divorced and so was I when we met and after some time we had our son and after some ups and downs I moved to be with her. Only after those first 2yrs I grew tired of being blamed, emotionally beaten for the mistakes I've made in the past. It was as if she opened the door to work on our relationship but sat on the couch and expected me to clean house.

 

At the end of two years of living together which was the end of our apartment lease I told her i was moving back to work on some things I needed to take care of with my life and to establish a home for us and work on our business. The plan was for her to move here, well that short separation that was suppose to be a couple months turned into almost 2yrs which in between she gave excuse after excuse not to move. I think it was her way of slowly detaching because she knew in her heart she could not leave.

 

I have 2 daughters here in my state which was part of the reason, she has two daughters from a previous marriage in which the biological father plays no role in their lives. We have our son and to me that should give her plenty of reason to work through the hard times and to put in the effort or take a chance. ARen't the kids the most important ones here????? she obviously is looking out for herself and at the same time saying her kids will be fine without a father.

 

When she ended things in January she did the whole blame everything on me bit, the old saying "I love you but not in love with you" etc etc. I was devistated, heart broken and yes I turned to blaming myself and was on the brink of giving up on life completely. It took me a long time to pick up the pieces and still are picking up the pieces. Only when she found out that I had been on a date (her sister seen me at the mall with another woman) is when she started to call or text message and thats when we decided to do something for my birthday with our son. I let her back in and I took the bait only to be thrown back in the water.

 

Her frame of mind right now and her feelings are one of that my ways, my mistakes, my faults, issues is the cause of the end of relationship. That my indifference, rejection etc chipped away at her love. We had problems like any couple does, I had issues with her that I needed to work on because a relationship shouldnt be making one person feel they can't confide in the other. That is how I felt.

 

Do I want her back? yes!!! Even after all this time I miss her, I miss the good times, the laughs we shared, I miss everything about her even the bad. She has given up on me and it's hard to accept that she's given up on two fathers and most importantly me because what I'm faced with trying to keep a relationship with my 4yr old son who lives in another state is almost impossible. She refuses to see the damage she is causing her kids, she's content with going to college, working and living with her parents with little to no family responsibility. She had a man that loved her and her 3 kids, I had my faults but that doesnt make me a bad person....

 

Sorry for venting again but it seems this morning the emotions came back rushing in...I've decided to go back to NC, communicate with the grandmother in regards to my son. At this time I can't handle or bare talking to her or finding out that there is another man in the picture, that would literallly throw me off the deep end.

 

Any thoughts or comments are much appreciated!!!

 

 

 

Houdini

[dreamguy]

Houdini, you are a good man!

 

I hate to say this because I know what she means to you but you need to hear it: You should and you will find someone who's emotionally mature enough to appreciate what you have to offer and reciprocate your love.

 

I look at things and I definitely see you as the stronger person in this break up. You are still capable of forgiving her after all she has put you through.

From now on don't take the bait because apparently she doesn't want you to be happy with someone else and she cannot be an adult enough to be with you despite the problems that are part of any relationship.

 

Smart move to communicate with the grandmother in regards to your son.

[houdini]

Thanks Dreamguy for the words of encouragement!!!

 

It's just so weird, I mean we were so close to working things out a few months ago, even went to visit her and spent some romantic time. She even said she still had love for me but wasn't ready to committ 100%. It's like she used my heart as a ping pong ball and threw the paddle down and left my heart to continue bouncing everywhere.

 

I don't know why allllll these emoitons are coming back, it's as if we just broke up yesterday. I don't understand it at all but I feel like I'm back to square one.

 

Dreamguy, is it possible that her feelings are distracted or clouded righ now and the fact that she knows I'm still here waiting for her gives her more strength??? I know she still cares, she has to but I think that her way of life is much easier for her now than to deal with our relatioship that we had (long distance and the thought of moving here to my state) If thats the case and she's chosing the easy way out, what is the best thing I can do to help her understand that she's making a mistake, she has 3 kids for christ sake that have no father!!!!!! how can what she's doing be the right thing!!!

 

THanks dreamguy for your input!!!

 

 

Houdini

[dreamguy]

Yes, knowing you're there waiting is definitely empowering for her. It allows her to take all the time in the world to come to a decision, if any.

 

As to what you should do to help her understand that she's making a mistake: Nothing.

Anything you say will most likely fall on deaf ears for the time being.

You cannot change the way she feels and if you try to change the way she's living her life she might resent you for it.

 

Conclusion: Even if somewhere deep inside you still have this hope that she'll realize what she's doing you should do what's best for you (and for your son of course) and keep her out of the equation. After all, she asked for it by breaking up with you.