the new life of bobsiesprincess

[bobsiesprincess]

had to take my first ever pregnancy test last nite.... and thank god i am not up the duff. i cnt even begin to imagine how id feel if i was.

 

as far as things with the boy are concerned.... its just totally weird. i duno whether its me or if hes messing with my head. i feel like hes blowing hot and cold all the time. like one day hell call and text all the time and be all like i miss u, then the next i wont hardly hear from him. last sunday we had a pure lovely date, we went to the beach and it was all sunny n we just walked n chatted n stuff. that night he called me and was like ive had alot of time to think, today was amazing and its what i want i think you may be the perfect person for me and im ready to make a committment to you. of course i freaked and was like i dont want to hear this (what am i all about?!) but the more i think about it, i dont want him to be with anyone else. i get wee jealous feelings if i think about him and other girls. i want him. my friend says follow your heart, dont let the age thing bother you. so i guess deep down i do want a committment. but at the same time... i duno, i just feel like hes never that botheres about seeing me, he never asks me 2 do things with him or that. he asked me on a date once and then it didnt even happen. it started as f buddies so obviously its a bit weird and we dont know how to act but weve both made it clear that were more than that now. *sigh* i just hate the confusion. i talked to him about it and he said he doesnt mean to blow hot and cold, he says he thinks he might of been tryin 2 play hard 2 get. i just feel like he worked so hard to reel me in, and now that i am he cnt be bothered nemore.

 

i texted him and asked him 2 do somn on saturday. if nothing materialises then i think im done with it. if it does and it goes well i think ill have the committment chat.

 

or maybe if i just went back to not being 2 interested he would want me more again. or i cld try to make him jealous. he says hes not jealous of my guy friends that i go out with just now but if sum1 new came along he would be. omg listen to me?! im going crazy, thinking about stupid games to play to get the guy.

 

im coming off my anti depressants. i can feel it i think and i dont like it.

[bobsiesprincess]

so he made plans and then cancelled them with me. im so done. i feel like hes just past caring.

[bobsiesprincess]

3rd update of the day... haha.. so much boy drama in my life recently.

 

so i was reaaaallllyyyy upset bout him cancelling on me. so i called my friend G, ended up in tears and came to the conclusion that i should just end it cos altho i like him alot and didnt want to, he wasnt treatin me right and i deserve to be with sum1 who makes me happy.

 

so i drove up to speak to him. we got into a looong discussion. he admitted hes been giving me mixed signals constantly and being a complete head * * * * . he apoligised and all that. he said that altho he said on sunday he was ready for committment hes not sure if he is. that made me really angry, cos i wouldnt say somn like that to some1 if i didnt mean it or was gonna change my mind. we split up and i started crying cos obviously i didnt want to. i just wanted him to say the right thing - to tell me that he wanted me and that things would change. i guess he ended up doing those things in a way. he said he thinks splittin up would be making a mistake and that he doesnt want to. he explained to me how he really cares about me, and doesnt want either of us to get other people when i go away to camp america. but hes scared of committment cos he thinks hell get hurt or miss me too much or something. it doesnt really make sense to me, cos if like he says he thinks in the perfect person for him, then surely im worth the risk? and if i am the perfect person for him then whats 3 months out of life? am i not worth the wait? tbh i dont really know where we stand but he asked for another chance and ive given him it. its like if he wants to keep dating me and for us not to be seeing anyone else even when i go away, then is that not a committment in itself? its just the same as going out without the label.

 

one things for sure, im gona take a big step back and try and emotionally detatch myself abit in case the worst does happen.

 

and thinks have gone a bit pear shaped anyway, cos now if he ever does ask me to committ then im gona think that hell change his mind the next week.

 

*sigh* i hate this stuff

 

P.S. RIP Tommy Burns - Celtic Legend

 

P.P.S. the dirty huns were an absolute discrace to scotland with their behaviour in manchester.

[bobsiesprincess]

ok ive thought about this overnight. although i want to give this a go and i dont want him to get other people, ive decided that if i meet sum1 i like, im not gona let him stop me going 4 it until he can make a committment to me. if he doesnt want to committ then he has to take the risk of losing me.

[bobsiesprincess]

something weird just happened...

 

a few weeks ago i asked my boy if he wanted to come see the ting tings. he said no its not really his thing. i was like thats totally fair enough so im now going with my friend who loves them anyway so it worked out better.

 

(sidenote: i guess some part of me at that point thought, aw thats sucky wlda bn nice to do somn like that with him, if ur with sum1 u compromise and do things each other likes even if ur not that into it. but i really wasnt that bothered.)

 

so today he calls me up randomly and is like how does the ting tings next saturday sound? and im like *confused look* eh im already going. and hes like oh right i just thought it would be a nice surprise for you i feel like i have alot of making up to do. like..... as if the ting tings was all his idea and id never mentioned it and hed not said no. lol. it was all very strange.

 

i texted him and was like.... ur a rocket, i asked u if u wanted to go to that gig and u said no. u really must be making an effort...... and hes like i am i thought it would be a nice thing to do for you.

 

im so confused!

[bobsiesprincess]

so me and boytoy (thats what me and my friends refer to him as, kind of like toyboy but backwards haha) had a chat and i feel a bit better.

 

i told him how i feel about the whole if he cant committ hes taking the risk of losing me so i shld be able to get other ppl blahblah stuff. and then he was like well yest i was gutted about failing my exam and didnt give a * * * * about anything, i wish wed had last nites convo today. he said he realised how important i am to him and hes stupid to be scared of committment and getting hurt.

 

so i think basically, we are committed to each other, like we wont get anyone else. and hes going to make a bigger effort. but were not putting the bf/gf label on it, even tho thats really what it is if u know what i mean. kind of suits me. im happy with it.

 

although im scared that now ive promised him i wont get ne1 ill trot off 2 america and meet mr right. i dont want to hurt his feelings cos hes been cheated on before.

[bobsiesprincess]

so all my exams are done now. i think they went alrite but you can never tell. especially cos these exams are different from previous years so i have no experience in them. i just have one essay to go then im done. its a belter of an essay tho.

 

i feel weird. like, kind of sad. im in a place now where i dont know where my life is goin. i dont know what i want to do. i dont know if im gona go back to uni. i dont think im ready for the real world. i dont know whats gona happen with boy toy. i dont know if im gona get to go to america or spain. there is nothin that i know. its a very strange feeling. on top of all that, im sad to be leaving my uni friends. i have become incredibly close to these 5 girls over the past 4 years. but i figure when i left school, i kept in touch with the ones that are important. so hopefully these girls will be friends for life.

 

i had a typical student day yesterday. right i am totally and completely skint right now. my friends asked me 2 come up 2 glasgow so we could go to the library and get stuff for our essay. so i was like sure, cos if 3 of us are doing it we get it dun so much quicker. so i got the train and arrived in ggow and called them to see what level of the library they were in. n they said they were just getting lunch in the pub so meet them there, i was like ok. arrived there and they were drinkin and had a cider (festival strength i may add) sitting there for me. they tricked me into coming up for a day of drinking! cos they knew id say no if i knew cos im skint. so basically they bought me drinks and i ended up kinda drunk. then we went back to one of the girls flat and moved onto a bottle of vodka. then back out to the pub. they wanted me to go clubbing but i so wasnt up 4 that. i just wanted my bed. my frien G is like the best bf ever, she was like go enjoy urself dear and if u miss the last train ill drive up and pick u up. what a sweetie! i didnt miss the last train however, i got it and boytoy picked me up and dropped me home. he was being sooo sweet 2 me last night like saying all this stuff like how i have his heart now and all that. that boy is so confusing.

[bobsiesprincess]

with 25 mins to go we have one hand on the title! a few weeks ago this was almost unimaginable. lets do it in tommy burns memory! mon eh hoops!

 

UPDATE: 3 in a row! yaaas!

[bobsiesprincess]

i got a new phone about a month ago, i didnt insure it. today a bottle of volvic in my bag leaked and the phone isnt working. I honestly feel like crying. cos im just so skint i cant afford a new phone. i hate being uncontactable. i feel like anything could happen to me.

 

boytoy told me that hes falling in love with me...

[bobsiesprincess]

somn happened 2n for the first time since the breakup.... i got the dreaded question...."oh you're k's gf arent u?"

 

a while back if i had been asked that i probably would have burst into tears. but tonight i just laughed it off. she was like oh sorry, i just though you two were like forever, and i was like yeh me too!

[bobsiesprincess]

I just got offered the position of Business Manager in a girl scout camp in Conneticut. I will be leaving in around 2 and a half weeks I think.

 

I don't know how I feel. I'm * * * * tin it a bit.

 

I'm really gonna miss my boy. I've become a bit attatched recently. This is exactly what I didnt want.

 

while im away, i prob won't be updating this journal. if you want to keep a track of my adventure, subscribe here link removed

[bobsiesprincess]

So, I just uploaded my last essay for uni. I am free from honours, I cant believe it. I don't feel happy, or relieved, I feel... well weird. Its a strange feeling which is hard, to describe.

 

I'm really looking forward to this weekend. And the next couple of week tbh. I'm going to have a girly nite 2m, going 4 dinner and cocktails and to see sex and the city. On saturday nite me and boytoy are going away. On Wednesday its my birthday, so ill be havin a wee family dinner and on Thursday I'm going out with the girls for my birthday. Then that Saturday my family are all coming over for my leaving do. The following week boytoy has taken off as its my last week, so were gona do lotsa fun stuff and spend some quality time together.

 

I fly two weeks on Saturday. Now that its happening I am scared. I thought 3 months was nothing, but looking at it now it feels like a long time. I have a really high up job, im basically gona be managing finances, staff and campers. I will have alot of responsibility, I just hope im good enough.

 

Was down in London today getting my Visa sorted. The trip to the embassy was so surreal. Sooo much security and all that.

[bobsiesprincess]

an increasing awareness of my lack of real, decent friends is really bringing me down. but, im probably better with no friends and life this year, so ill hopefully get more studying done, but it just doesnt seem to be working that way.

 

on the first page of my journal, i felt extremely alone. I felt let down and abandoned by my friends.

 

looking back, i think that was a bit harsh. ok, i wasnt their main priority, and maybe they werent as sensitive, attentive and caring as i would have been. but no-ones perfect. and when it comes down to it, initially when i got dumped, they were all there for me to support me and help me get back on my feet. they might not have said the right things etc and might not always be there, but i know if something else bad happens in my life, they will come and help me.

 

i had an amazing bday/leaving night last night. not all the important friends in my life were there, as a few are on holiday and stuff. but it made me realise how much i LOVE my friends, and how i will never let anything take priority over my relationships with friends. boys come and go but friends are hopefully a bit more permanent.

 

had all the girlies over to my house for cocktails and a bbq (even tho it was thunder and lightning!) and we had a ball. so much fun. we then went clubbing and met up with my 2 best guy friends. i honestly had an amazing time. got a bit tipsy and teary cos i realised 3 months without them will be tough.

 

boytoy did totally good for my bday. the nite before it, he took me out for a nice dinner. that night he gave me a 50 quid voucher for a beauty place, so im going to get a hot stone massage and an indian head massage. its like the perfect pressie for me, so thoughtful, i cannot wait. i thought that was it, but on my actual bday he got a gorgeous red rose in a vase, belgian chocs and a wee teddy delivered to my house. it was so sweet.

 

he treats me like an absolute princess and makes me feel so special. he really is amazing. my mum was like "omg im so impressed, this ones a keeper.... thats the last think you wanted to find just before you go!" i told her about the age thing and she thinks im being ridiculous. well everyone does! literally, the only one with a problem is me.

 

the fact that i care what people are going to say about me shows my own immaturity. the people i care about all tell me to go for it, so it shouldnt bother me what the gossips who dont know me or him say.

 

there was a teacher in school who i was really close to, ive probably mentioned him on here before, i still go up and visit him. hes more like a friend than anything else. well i completely trust in everything he says. whether you believe it or not, he is a bit psychic. i have seen this on MANY occasions over the years. he really does know everything. he swore to me id meet someone by christmas, and i met boytoy on christmas night. what worries me however, is he says something is going to happen in america. i really dont want to hurt boytoy.

[bobsiesprincess]

I was out with a mutual friend of me and Ks tonight. we don't usually talk about him, but he came up in convo this evening. basically the friend said to me that everyone is really worries about K - he drinks far too much far too often. this friend says that he thinks im come out of this breakup far better than K. He said that Ks friends have commented on how the break up has REALLY affected K, and that hes not so much as glanced at another girl since we split up. who'd have thought it eh? that id do better out of it.

 

i must admit, i have been thinking about K recently. im doing a big thing in my life, i guess its natural to think about him and our situation just now. i mean i dont want unfinished business here (referring to the place we're at...ignoring each other in clubs) so i decided it was now or never, to forget the grudges and upset and to give him a call to catch up. i guess i kinda wanted to see how far id come. i figured if it upset me talkin 2 him, well ill be gone soon. so yeh, i phoned him. i could hear the sheer shock in his voice when he answered. but it was good just chatting about our lives for a while. admittedly, i felt sad - but not sad like i want him back, sad like i miss talking to him. ive moved on, i have an amazing guy who i love and who loves me, and i would NEVER go back to K.

 

im finding this week so hard. lots of goodbyes. people telling me theyll miss me (alot more ppl than i expected!). so much to do, so little time. im really stressing tbh. gettin spots on my chin and sleep is deteriorating - theyre my stress signs. cant wait to be on that plane with everything sorted.

[bobsiesprincess]

wow... last update on the 10th june.

 

so im back. the summer was really hard work. my boss was a nitemare. but i met alot of amazing people, and had lots of fun times. after camp me and 2 of the girls went to new york and miami for vacation. overall, ive grown alot over the summer and maybe even become stronger.

 

im so depressed to be home now. like, the adventure is over and now all thats left is facing my debts. ive had alot of time to think over the summer. one of my friends got engaged and its induced a sort of quarter life crisis. my friends all own businesses, are becoming lawyers, are getting married... and i dont have a clue where my life is going and im not even in a stable relationship. i dont know what im doing wrong. i just have this overwhelming feeling that i just dont belong here. ive never felt like i do. im not happy here.

 

so im already looking into going away again. id like to work and live in spain for a while. but i guess i need a job to pay my debts and save to go, which will take a while so im trapped.

 

speaking of stable relationships - well.... boytoy. he was so sweet and perfect before i went. long distance is defo hard. and we argued and stuff. he just acted like he didnt care so much when i was gone... yet he was the one who made the committment to me. i didnt expect him to when we'd been together such a short time. it was like i was out of sight out of mind. he disagreed, he said he was tryin to not thinkin about it and keep busy etc. so i was like fine, ill wait til i get back. but i saw him last nite and i dont feel like hes in2 this as much as me nemore (ironic since at the beginnin it was the other way around). he insists hes crazy about me and that he wants a future with me, but actions speak louder than words. he cancelled on me 2n. hes sick, which is fine. but guaranteed he will go 2 the pub and the game 2m with his mates. and that will annoy me cos hes 2 sick to come to mine and do nothin but watch a dvd but by 2moro hell be miraculously recovered.

[RedBranchKnight]

Hey BP, good to hear the update! Glad you had so much fun in America and have grown. I know how you feel about being home and feeling down, I was abroad for the summer for a few weeks and had sucha a great time, feel like Im back in a rut again! lol. and im severely indebted to the bank, but have no job!

 

Sorry about the 'boy' situation, as Im sure you know Ive ben there myself so I can empathise I hope it works out. Take care!

[bobsiesprincess]

so, since the last update things have improved drastically with the boy. they hit rock bottom first though....

 

i wont go into too much detail but he was acting really suspiciously and then flat out lied to my face several times (i knew for a fact he was lying to me). when he realised that im not an idiot, he admitted to the lies. of course this really upset me cos i felt like he had something to hide and i couldnt trust him. at this point, he realised how much he had hurt me and he realised he was losing me. no-one has ever apologised so genuinely and heartfelt as he did that day. he was crying and everything. he said he was disgusted at himself for hurting someone he loves so much. he told me im the best thing thats ever happened to him and he couldnt bare to lose me. he said all this lovely stuff.... he talked about how sick he is with himself over how badly he treated me when i was away and we of course discussed the issue which started it all.

 

but anyway, since then were totally loved up and inseparable. its probably sickening to everyone else but to us its bliss.

 

apart from that i feel like my life is spiralling out of control. i got so upset cos my direct debit for my phonebill bounced. i mean its not a huge deal, the bank reversed my charges etc but i was just panicking cos its never happened to me before. i feel like my debt is taking over my life.... and my debt isnt even bad compared to most students! but this is my nature...im a stresser.

 

i really need a job asap. if i have no money i have no life. cant wait to pay my debts and start saving for a flat. i wish i had the money now, cos now really is the time to buy with the market the way it is. also, i just need money so i can go out with my friends and buy clothes and not be miserable.

 

the problem is though, ive done a law degree, and i guess im aq bit of a job snob now. like, i never was... nowhere was ever not good enough for me... i worked in McDonalds. But i know im gonna be bitter sitting in a crappy job next to people who im far more qualified than. but... i guess i gotta work my way up? *sigh* i sometimes wonder what the point of goin to uni was.

 

also, ive been eating crap since i got back. i need to get motivated and eat healthy and do exercise. i feel sick with myself, its disgusting.

 

anyway... im off to sign on... the joys.

[GetMeBack]

Hi Bobsie,

 

I have read your whole journal today. Just so you know, you are an inspiration to me.

 

I have just gone back to uni, to finish my nursing degree. I took a while out, and I am now in my second year. If you look through some of my posts, I have had a crappy ordeal with ex's and stuff. However, now I am engaged to someone else. Things do get better..

 

Keep your head up!. You have a law degree, You will go far! By the way. what classification did you get? I will start my journal tomorrow ;-)

 

Lots of love,

 

GetMeBack xXx

[bobsiesprincess]

Wow, coming on here and reading ur comment has lifted my spirits! Thank you, its the biggest flattery ever to be an inspiration! Cant believe you read my whole journal, that must have taken a while!! But yeh ive come really far since I first started writing it.

 

I got a 2.1...thats what I was aiming for so i was well chuffed with that. Deep down I know I can be successful, I just need the opportunity to do so. Its just so disheartening when you don't even get interviews for a job so ive become a bit negative and defeatist. Hopefully after a bit of moping ill pick myself up and be raring to go.

 

im so glad to hear that things have worked out for you... going back to uni and being engaged and everything, thats amazing. best of luck with uni. i look forward to you starting your journal!

[bobsiesprincess]

im so confused just now.

 

i dont know whats going on... but all of a sudden my self esteem has hit an all time low. I dont know why... when i was in new york and miami i got hit on more in those couple of weeks than i have in my whole life probably. so i guess that was a bit of a confidence boost. guys literally stopped me in the street to tell me im beautiful...but i guess things are different in the states. since ive been back and with my friends i feel like im just a complete state. i can hardly pick one thing about me that i like physically. i hate feeling like this. insecurity is highly unattractive...everyone likes a confident girl right? but i cant pull myself out of this.

 

feelin so insecure ud think having the boy would help. im his first love and hes very...well...affectionate just now, but the way im feeling the last couple of days i dont want him to touch me and i get mad when he tells me im beautiful cos i feel like hes lying. i could hardly look at him tonight, i dont know whats going on with me. i love him but i feel slightly......smothered.

 

i know this is to do with the fact that im gutted im not doing the diploma and cant get a job. its just everything at once.

 

i know im not gona be more confident til i lose weight. and i wont be happy til im confident. but when im unhappy i eat crap. its a viscious circle. i guess i kinda have a problem with emotional eating.

[GetMeBack]

Hi hun,

 

Thats brilliant, I am hoping to get a 2:1 too, dont feel down.

 

And you have just made a new friend too, me. lol.

 

Its good that we are the same age, and from the UK too. So cool.

 

I met my now best friend from IVILLAGE, when I was going through my break

 

up last November, she was my rock. She too, is now engaged to someone

 

else and is expecting her first baby!.

 

I think its such an excellent achievement to have a LAW degree, well done

 

you. You are doing so much better than your ex, more fool him for letting you

 

go. What a loser! He will regret that.

 

Sometimes when I am down, I try to think about where I would be if I was

 

happy i.e qualified, married children and stuff.It usually works, and it does

 

make me feel better.

 

Before, I thought I needed someone to make me happy, and a lot of

 

problems stemmed from me not believing in myself. You have so much going

 

for you. I dont even have a family that cares for me like yours do. Your very

 

lucky and blessed.

 

p.s I am about to eat a chicken jalrezi, lol, and I am full of cold. Hope there is

 

something decent on the tv tonight. xXx

 

GetMeBack

[bobsiesprincess]

where abouts in the uk are you? how did you meet your now fiance? how long have uz been together?

[bobsiesprincess]

so ive not really spoke about boytoys family. i met them last week for the first time. his mum is just lovely and so welcoming. i think shes just so excited that boytoys finally brought a girl home. and well they think its amazing that he ended up with someone smart (not to blow my own trumpet or anything haha) his dads dead nice too... hes dead interested in me and asks me lots of questions.

 

ive also met his sister who seems like a sweetheart... his cousin who is his best friend, and his aunt and uncle. they all seem so easy to get along with...so im happy with that.

 

me and boytoy counted... and we've been seeing each other for 6 and a half months! and we're only just doing the whole meeting the parents thing. its been like total people meeting overload tho... in the past couple of weeks its been family, friends, workmates and so on. loadsa ppl! im sooo glad my mum and dad like him. i didnt realise how they felt about my ex until we split up and they were introduced to boytoy and theyre like oh hes so much more this than K and that than K.

 

anyway... last nite i had a totally embarrassing scenario at boytoys....

 

so i was in his house...and its his sisters bday 2moro...so all the females in the family r goin 4 lunch like the aunts n stuff. so of course his mum asked me and i was like eh no sorry i cant cos im lookin 4 a job n stuff (didnt wana say im skint cos thats like hintin 4 them 2 pay) so that was ok.

 

then as i was leaving his dads like, y u not going she (his mum) is disappointed...blah blah. n im like im honestly just skint but i was pleased she asked me n stuff. n hes like u wont have to pay anything just go its free grub. but im like no i cant do that.

 

now i feel like such an idiot, as if like i was just bein funny n makin up excuses cos i didnt wana go out with them... when i was being genuine about being skint. i honestly woulda loved to have gone, cos theyre all nice and i woulda got to know every1 so much better n faster if i went out socially with them without boytoy. but at the same time, i cant go..oh yeh since ur paying ill be there. i hardly know them and dont want them 2 pay 4 me, id feel horrible. and just being somewhere when u have no cash isnt good.

 

but now im totally stressing that theyre gona hate me and think im a right weirdo.

*sigh*

 

boytoy says they understand but i duno.

 

oh... the also asked me to go on a cruise in 2 years with them. that took me a bit by surprise. i just cant commit to it... i dont know if well be together in 2 years. because me and K split up at the 2 year point... i am convinced thats when boytoy will freak out and leave me. he will be 21 then and im sure hell think y am i tied down blahblah and take off.

apart from that tho, its alot of money for 1 week... when a cruise isnt even on my list of things i wana do. like, that money could pay for me to go to one of the places on my list.

 

My List of Places To Go

1. L.A.

2. Vegas

3. Mexico

4. Rio de Janeiro

5. Dominican Republic

6.Ireland

this is the top 6.... there is of course LOOOOAAADSSSS more but these are priority!

 

boytoy has a single bed. hes wanted a double 4 ages though. so after the first time i was at his last week, i left and as soon as i went he said to his mum and dad i need a double bed. so of course his mum and dad assumed its cos were doin it up there. so she says eh no, you know what happens when u get a double bed..you make babies. so he says we dont need a double bed to make babies mum. so im mortified cos he basically told his mum and dad were doin it. haha. obviously theyre not born yesterday and know we are, but i always prefer that element of...well u never know maybe theyre not.

 

haha i almost 4got...boytoy was cookin last nite and all of a sudden says "ur so lucky to be marrying me..i can cook" and i just look at him like "marrying u eh?" n he was like"OMG did i just say that" it was well funny.

[GetMeBack]

where abouts in the uk are you? how did you meet your now fiance? how long have uz been together?

 

I am in Kingston, London. I met him on a night out in London with my mates. We have only been together 6 months. He proposed a few weeks ago. xXx

[bobsiesprincess]

 

I am in Kingston, London. I met him on a night out in London with my mates. We have only been together 6 months. He proposed a few weeks ago. xXx

 

uck thats lovely! read ur journal btw... some childhood.... im engrossed, lookin 4ward to your next update!