the new life of bobsiesprincess

[bobsiesprincess]

so the last week has been good for me. i so hope this is the start of things being better for me, not just a good week.

 

ive always been kind of weird about going out with a friend when theyre going with their friends who I don't know so well, cos i feel like ill be a spare part. but over the past couple of weeks ive done it twice and had a ball and realised i was being stupid before. went to a gig with my friend G and her friends L & D. we went to the pub afterwards and the banter was great. it was such a good nite.

 

on tuesday I went out with R & 3 of his girl mates and it was great. i felt so comfortable with them all and we talked about like everything. 2 of the girls put entries on their livejournals saying how lovely i am and that they dont see me enough and it meant soooo much to me for them 2 say that.

 

ive been getting 2 the stage where im getting over K. I've started to look at other boys and its been 4 months so lets face it i need a bit of lovin! lol. so i went out with my uni girls on thur nite. we got veeeery drunk and had such a laugh. this guy kept paying me attention and asking me 2 dance. i guess i was just flattered and even though he so wasnt my type i just wanted to get the hurdle of getting sum1 out the way so i did it. and it was DISGUSTING. how can ppl be such bad kissers? so i got kind of sad like what am i doing getting ppl i dont like blah blah.

 

me & D walked back to her flat in our bare feet cos the heels were so sore!! it was freezin. met loadsa randoms on the way back & got some good chat. i called this guy i have a soft spot for, wish i hadnt cos god knows what i was saying in my drunken state, i was prob talking so much crap. when we got back D decided to ask this guy she likes over with his mate for some drinks.

 

they got here and the mate seemed so perfect...... he said ALL the right things and seemed so so sweet. i was gonae write all about the night but basically i got upset bout K and didnt sleep with the guy, but then i kinda wished i had 2 get that hurdle out t way, but im just not a casual sex kinda girl..... and it turns out he was on coke and he swore on my life he wasnt so i guess he wasnt that great of a guy. but he was sweet and good looking and an amazing kisser. i shlda prob just done it? i duno.

 

but i guess im back in the game!

[bobsiesprincess]

ive been thinking alot/obsessing about this guy the other nite. I mean, he was perfectly nice (aside from the fact he was a liar and a cokehead) is there somn wrong with me? y wouldnt i sleep with him? i mean i feel like i should be doing what my single girlfriend is doing and sleep about and have fun (safely of course) but i just dont think its me.

 

maybe i have this idea of a fairytale thatll never come true. i think to myself, y should i settle for a lying cokehead?? i deserve more. but then........ maybe theres not more out there 4 me. maybe i wont find my loyal, honest, nice man whos in love with me, will never let me go and is not on drugs. maybe my expectations r too high.

 

i got upset last night. a mutual friend of me and Ks started talking 2 me. hre wants to meet up and stuff, and he just represents memories of k. i told him if we do he cant mention k cos he doesnt exist to me. i wish it was as simple as that, i wish i could erase him and never have to deal with this situation again.

 

im sad generally, cos evey nite ive been out ive had a ball. im having the single girls life i wish i had. and i guess i know its not going to last. its kind of hard.

 

hey i see i get views of this journal! comment or pm me and let me know who u r just out of curiosity.

 

i love this site, dont know where id be without it.

[Beginningandend]

In regards to the first paragraph: The fact that he was a liar and a coke head IMO are red flags too big to overlook, nice or not. The only thing wrong(if you want to call it that) is that you respect yourself enough to not make a decision like that. Chances are you'd later regret it.

 

Second paragraph: There is a LOT more out there for you. Just because you haven't met them yet does not mean you won't. I have doubts about that as well sometimes, but I know that thinking that would only put me in a relationship that would make me, and eventually them, unhappy. You do deserve more, so don't stop looking until you find that guy with those attributes. Trust me they really do exist, and they look for the same things you do.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[bobsiesprincess]

Thank you so much for posting beginningandend. I guess I know deep down ur right, if he lied to me that quickly i could never ever trust him and would doubt everything. sometimes u just get a feeling about people, and i had it with him he just didnt seem that nice.

 

I so hope your right that these people im looking for do exist. i guess they are just harder to find!

[bobsiesprincess]

Last night was the worst chistmas night ever.

 

So its been almost 5 months, and ive been doing so much better. But ive been really avoiding bumping into the ex. Tonight i went out clubbing and i did. He tried to talk to me and i just ignored it and walked away. Everyone said to me when you meet him just act happy and be like hey, but i couldnt. i was just so shocked and i knew id cry so i walked away. Its had been left in his his court to text me when he was ready to be friends and he didnt text me to say happy xmas or anything, so why should i have spoken to him. He obviously spoke to his cousin about it cos she came up to me and said, please talk to him. and he was right there with her. I did the same again and said no and walked away.

 

I know i was in the wrong. I should have acted more mature and spoken to him but I just didn't want to ruin my night any more than it already was. But now i want to call him and see what he wanted. Everythings so fresh again now. I feel as bad as i did on the night he dumped me.

 

I realised tonight how much i still love that boy with all my heart. i honestly think ill never ever get over him, he means so much to me. but i have so much anger towards him now for how much he hurt me and how he dealt with our breakup, as if i meant nothing to him. i know i did mean alot to him though. But i just cant be friends and make small talk and kid on everythings ok. I hope hes hurting as much as me tonight. I dont think ive ever felt so much anger as i do right now, ive said i hope hes lonely forever but i know thats not fair cos hes an amazing guy - i just wasnt good enuf for him. i know he had every right to dump me, and that if he needed to do that for himself to be happy he should have, but I just can't get rid of the feeling pure anger for what hes put me through and done to me.

 

Oh and another friend came and told me he thinks my ex is going to get off with this girl. So now i have so much anger towards her too. When i know it aint her fault. i wish i cld be normal again.

 

i guess anger is a normal stage, everyone gets it at some point. i just wish it didnt take me soooo long or was so intense.

[bobsiesprincess]

so i got really upset about the whole thing this afternoon, because i found out he texted his friend to tell him i was ignoring him so it obv affected him. i nearly called him to ask him to come out a drive. but after texting a couple of friends realised it wasnt a great idea. i texted him saying "sorry for ignoring you last night. im sure you know why and realise i wasnt being a * * * * * " he text back straight away saying "yeh i know its ok. sorry about my cousin, I dont think she realised we had broken up and she was trying to lighten the mood" it really hit me hard, i mean obviously i know we've broken up, but to read it in a text from him was weird. man i miss him so much.

 

i cannot wait for june 2008 so i can run away from this place and this situation for good and ill never have to deal with it again.

[bobsiesprincess]

I know this is cheesy and that ive posted on this journal like 4 times today but i dont care......

 

I got the Kate Nash album yesterday as a present and these lyrics sum up me right now.......

 

I wish I was your favourite girl

I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world

I wish I was your favourite smile

I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style

I wish you couldn't figure me out

But you always wanna know what I was about

I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset

I wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met

 

I wish you had a favourite beauty spot that you loved secretly

'Cause it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see

Basically, I wish that you loved me

I wish that you needed me

I wish that you knew when I said two sugars

Actually, I meant three

 

I wish that without me your heart would break

I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake

I wish that without me you couldn't eat

I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

[bobsiesprincess]

Its his birthday today. I did so much last year to make sure he had the best birthday ever. I hope he notices this year somethings missing.

 

For the first time since we split up, I looked at photos of us. It was so hard. We looked so happy in them all.

 

I feel worse than I ever have. This is worse than when we first split up cos back then people were flooding round me........ now im alone. Hopefully after new year is over I get back on my feet. Christmas, combined with seeing him, texting him, his birthday, and new year has just set me back to stage 1.

 

I cant go out in town cos i cant risk seeing him again. Especially if he does start going out with this new girl. It will kill me.

 

I just dont know what to do with myself.

[bobsiesprincess]

I feel like ive been on a complete bender for the past 2 weeks. ive been trying to keep busy at all times to avoid my feelings. but 2day i have nothing to do, not for lack of trying. i had arrangements with 2 different people who have both cancelled. so i guess im gona have a day moping about thinking about things.

 

all i can say is thank god 2007 is almost over. 2007 kicked my ass. this time last year i could never have imagined that things would be like this now. i wish i could see myself in a year. i just want to know things are going to be ok.

 

2008 is going to be my year. im going to improve myself in every way possible. 2008 is the start of the rest of my life.

 

2007 has been hard and has definetly taught me alot. I'm not as naive as I once was and don't believe life can be the fairytale i previously thought it could be. I've lost faith in people. My guard is definetly up and I don't know if it will ever come down. People change. They grow apart. People will always disappoint you and let you down. You cant rely on anyone. No-one will always be there for you. There is no-one that can be trusted 100%. Thats just life.

 

Hopefully a year from now ill be a happier person. Thats all I want from the next year.

[Beginningandend]

The part I put in bold is one part I hope does change. Faith in people after a breakup can definitely be shaken, but to not put that faith in anyone I think will only make you feel alone after a while.

 

People change: This is true, but not always for the worse. We all change even in small ways almost every day but that doesn't make us worse, just different.

 

They grow apart: Again, true but not always.

 

People will always disappoint you and let you down: Most likely every person will at least once, because they are human. We all make mistakes, we do things sometimes without thinking them through or say things with thinking of how the other person might take it, etc., etc., but that doesn't mean we should condemn them for being human. That only sets them up for the fall.

 

You can't rely on anyone: See previous statement, you can but if they make a mistake it's only because it is our nature. Remember: "If at first you don't succeed, you are running about average"

 

No one will always be there for you: Parents? Relatives? Has this caused you so much pain that you really believe NO one will? I do believe there are those who will always TRY to be there whenever you need them. Sometimes things get in the way and they may not be there exactly when you want them to be but they are always there.

 

There is no one that can be trusted %100: Everything I said prior to this I think can fit here as well so I won't add any more here.

 

I hope you realize I'm not saying any of this to sound critical, demeaning or rude. I just believe that thinking this way will only lead to you being unhappy more than you should be. Not putting faith in others, not trusting them in time will make you feel completely alone and isolated from everyone. Is it a risk to put this faith in people? Yes, every time you do it, but the rewards can far outweigh the risks if you give it a chance.

[bobsiesprincess]

I hope you realize I'm not saying any of this to sound critical, demeaning or rude. I just believe that thinking this way will only lead to you being unhappy more than you should be. Not putting faith in others, not trusting them in time will make you feel completely alone and isolated from everyone. Is it a risk to put this faith in people? Yes, every time you do it, but the rewards can far outweigh the risks if you give it a chance.

 

I don't think you are being critical, demeaning or rude........ i appreciate your input. I know that you are right in saying that thinking this way will lead me to being more unhappy than i need to be, but I guess i've been hurt by people too many times now its just my way of protecting myself. But I do need to try and change that a bit so i dont isolate myself.

[bobsiesprincess]

I really don't know if I can wait 6 more months to graduate before i get away from here. I need to go now. I cant take anymore. This next sememster at uni is going to be the most hellish of my life. Friends wise as i imagined every1 has dissappeared again now the party season is over. My family are annoyed at me for being quiet over the festive season. Perhaps they forget that 5 months ago i lost the most important thing in my life. But how could they possibly understand?? None of them have been through it. I told my nana something in confidence and as usual she cant keep her big mouth shut and told my parents so theyre mad because i didnt tell them. my brother was horrible to me for the first time in months....... i thought we were over that whole thing but obv were not.

 

im just so stressed right now. I honestly don't think im cut out for this uni malarky.

 

im such a failure, ive ate so much crap over the past few weeks and havent been exercising. probably put all the weight back on that ive lost.

 

i need to eat like nothing all january and exercise like an hour every day.

 

i dont know what to do with myself right now, im just so upset. the only thing that could make me feel better right now is a hug from k. i miss him so much.

 

i just want money to get away from here, on my own. fresh start. obv i cnt tho.

 

i really do need to get out of this house though. i need to find somewhere to stay.

 

im sorry i just needed to vent.

[stranded247]

hey hang in there, life wont always be like this for you.

I reckon it takes a long time to heal but your doing well, eventually you will be numbed to the pain. I've never had a long term boyfriend (i'm awful like that) but I've lost a friend and I know what its like when someone is completely out of your life. I just felt like saying something because I've been reading this for a while and I just want to read your journal and here how well everything is going for you, i'm rooting for ya

[bobsiesprincess]

hey hang in there, life wont always be like this for you.

I reckon it takes a long time to heal but your doing well, eventually you will be numbed to the pain. I've never had a long term boyfriend (i'm awful like that) but I've lost a friend and I know what its like when someone is completely out of your life. I just felt like saying something because I've been reading this for a while and I just want to read your journal and here how well everything is going for you, i'm rooting for ya

 

aw wow thank you so much for commenting. it means so much when ppl like u that i dont even know say positive things to me. ur right, life can only get better from here i guess. i shall start following your journal 2!

[bobsiesprincess]

Im feeling a bit better now.......... my dad came into my room and we had a big heart to heart about all the family stuff and now everything is back to normal with the family which is good.

 

however, i do have the january blues. this whole month has to be spent in my room working on my dissertation. one chapter has to be in by the end of the month. im totally overwhelmed by the amount of work i have to do. im really feeling the stress big time. but i just need to get my head down until june. its only 6 months - it will be a hard, miserably 6 months but once its over im free. life begins and i get a fresh start!

 

speaking of which, i was supposed to have my camp america interview yesterday but because of the storms the trains were all cancelled and the roads were shut and stuff so i couldnt make it now i need to arrange another. hope i get one soon, i just wana get all my plans for after uni finalised.

 

ive also started the healthy eating and exercise big time.

 

so basically until june its uniuniuni and losing weight. then come june the fun begins!

[bobsiesprincess]

i hate the media and celebrity culture. Why do we have to be thin to be beautiful??? Its not fair. No wonder so many people have eating disorders these days.

 

Ive seen so many bigger girls who are absolutely beautiful. i wish things would change.

 

I bought a dress last week. and i wanted to wear it tomorrow night. So i tried it on tonight and its not too tight. I'm so upset. Ive been trying really hard this week with exercise and healthier eating. So im going to have to eat hardly anything for a while. I hate this.

[bobsiesprincess]

i did an extremely silly thing. i was so upset about not fitting into the dress that i didnt eat anything all friday night or saturday all day. I managed to get into the dress, but I was going on a night out with an empty stomach and ended up spewing cos i was so drunk. NOT CLEVER! i wont do that again.

 

i just went on msn there and one of my guy mates had a pure go at me cos he hasnt heard from me in a week or somn. but the last time I texted him he didnt reply. it kind of upset me cos he was being so mean about it, and im hungover so not in the mood for crap!

[bobsiesprincess]

I really hope I meet a man who is as good a person as my dad.

 

When I was young, I swear I was the Spice Girls biggest fan ever. i LOVED them. I had the baby spice bunchies and put on concerts in school singing their song. I've always still like their songs, i think they are really catchy. Although cheesey pop is so not my type of music these days, I've always still had my spice girls soft spot.

 

So when I heard they were doing the reunion tour of course I wanted to go. So me and K registered for tickets and were gonna go to London together to see them. Then of course we split up. He broke NC to text me and email me about tickets. But I was so gutted and had just quit my job so didn't buy them.

 

Then my friend A got tickets from her bf for christmas. It made me sad cos a) i LOVE the spice girls and b) i was supposed to go with K.

 

Well my dad, being the star that he is, got me tickets!!! So me and G are going to Manchester a week tomorrow to see the Spice Girls. I'm so excited! The last time I saw them I was so young!! I have my Ginger Spice tshirt at the ready......... yes ppl I am that kool! I think it will be a good show........Roberto Cavalli designed the costumes and it will just be a good girly trip. G is going to split up with her bf so I think she needs a girly trip as much as I do.

 

If I could be anyone else in the world I would so be geri halliwell at the peak of the Spice Girls career.

[stranded247]

wow law at glasgow! that must be challenging? I've heard to study law its a seven year course or something? Are you going to be an apprentice barrister after univercity or something along those lines?

[bobsiesprincess]

yeh well to be a lawyer you do 4 years on the course im doing, then a years diploma, a years traineeship at a firm then your a lawyer so 6 years. but im not gona do the extra 2 years cos i worked in a lawyers and realised that so not what i wanna do with my life... so i guess ill just see what happens! it really is a hellish course, same marks needed as medicine to get in.

[bobsiesprincess]

I have to vent here or i will break NC.

 

I have been so proud of how I handled this break up in certain ways. I have been sooo good with NC. After the 1st week I went completely 100% NC. A couple of months after the break up he texted me and i text back. Then I was completely NC until boxing day when I texted him to aplogise for ignoring him.

 

Tonight he came on msn, he hardly ever comes on... but I have him blocked just in case. I unblocked him to see out of curiosity if he would talk to me since he seemed so desparate to talk to me at christmas. Of course he didnt. And it has made me angry.

 

I think its good for me to be angry though.... cos every1 talks about the stages of grief and i gave the anger a bodyswerve.

 

However....... whats not so good is I really want to give him a piece of my mind. Which I know wouldnt be a good move because I dont want to lose my dignity.

 

So ill do it here........

 

K,

 

I used to think so much of you. But you really have shown your true colours since this break up. I feel so let down by you because I really thought you were a better person.

 

You never tried to explain to me WHY we were splitting up. You didnt care if I understood or not. Talking to me was just a hassle for you. You constantly contradicted yourself when you were splitting up with me, it made no sense, but you didnt care as long as you were rid of me. I think I deserved more than that after 2 years.

 

My aunt died a few days after we split up. You knew. Yet you didnt try and find out how I was.

 

I wrote you a letter pouring my heart out to you........ you texted me to tell me about tickets and didnt have the courtesy to acknowledge the letter at all. That made me so mad, I thought it was so disrespectful because I put everything I had into that letter.

 

We both know, that the ball was always in your court to text me to be friends and stuff, cos I wanted to give you your space. And although Im not ready to be friends, I would have so appreciated you to text me or something just to show you cared how I am. But you never ever have. Then you expect to waltz up to me in a club on christmas night and be all pally? Youve made no effort since, like on msn. And I know you never will.

 

I just have so much anger towards you. Youve hurt me so badly.

[bobsiesprincess]

oh i have more.

 

2 weeks before we split up I spent all my 21st bday money on taking us to Paris because you were skint, but just after we split up you can afford to go away with your friends? thats so disrespectful.

 

as was the public bebo flirting within days of us spliting up.

 

i did so much for you. i feel like youve taken me for a complete ride. i wish id never met you.

[bobsiesprincess]

So I'm back from my Manchester trip with G. It was only one night but it was soooo good to get away from this place. To be somwhere that Im anonymous and no-one knows me. We had sooo much fun 2gether, good girly trip!

 

But now I'm really down. I guess its the whole back to reality thing. I have to hand a chapter of my dissertation in next week and I have nothing done. Im screwed, and its not through lack of trying. I've studied almost every day in January, I just cant get into it. Don't know how im going to pull this off.

 

My anger towards K has also subsided and im just sad about him now. I miss him alot. I miss the good times. I had a realistic dream last night that I was chatting to him and told him how I feel about everything. Its made me want to break NC again. But I'm sure he doesnt want to hear what I have to say. *sigh*

[bobsiesprincess]

I'm in the computer lab at uni and im actually FREEZING. Usually im too hot if anything!

 

So I have my interview for Camp America tonight, so I thought oh ill go up and spend the day in the library and try to get work done. It was raining so i took my coat and its got a hood n all that but i was soaked right through by the time i got to the train. So when I got off the train I had to walk over to Primark to get an umbrella *queue even more wetness* then had to treck all the way up to uni. SOOOOO now I have wet feet, socks and shoes (yuck nothing worse) the bottom of my jeans are soaked and my hair is a state! aaaa! im gona have to go to loadsa toilets b4 my interview and see if any of them have straightners. On top of that I'm skint and have no money to buy food! ah well. Its just gona be one of those days *cries*

 

I met a very interesting character on the bus home from Manchester. Me and my friend G were puuure hungover/still drunk and hadnt had enough sleep and just wanted to sleep the whole way home on the bus. This guy right behind us was pure talking 2 everyone going past, just making convo and stuff like that. We were like please dont let this guy talk to us we need to sleep. neway we got to sleep for a couple of hours luckily. When we woke up he started talking to us and he was sooo nice. Turns out he is a happiness coach or something like that. He goes round schools in Australia and talks to children about positivity, having goals, making friends and so on. I was brought up with good parents and was taught all this stuff but so many children arent. Such a good idea!

[bobsiesprincess]

Tonigh my brother walks in with his ex girlfriend who he split up with round about the same time i got dumped. This kinda stirred up alot of emotions inside me and I thought to myself... its almost been 6 months... text him cos ur strong enough to be friends

 

WRONG! im not. ive been in tears all night. we texted back and forth for a while filling each other in on our lives now. its made me REALLY sad cos i realise i know nothing about him anymore and he knows nothing about me.

 

hes going to be an uncle again. and hes now jobless and dropped out of uni.

at least ive achieved alot more in the past 6 months and have better plans for the next year or so....

 

i miss him soooo much. i wish more than anything things could go back to how they were.