Coming undone....

[Shadows Light]

Coming undone.... and not in a good way......

 

 

It's 12:43am... and I can't sleep. I've set my alarm for 4:00. I've got a 10am meeting that I need to beef myself up for. I hate hate hate the thought of having to go into work tomorrow. Can I call off? no. Its raining outside.. what are the odds that a tornado will hit that building and I wouldn't have to go in tomorrow.... slim to none. (wry grin).

 

I've written on the career board about my trials and tribulations with my job.... so I won't expound here all over again. I think I named it "divorcing my job." lol It feels that way... like going through a divorce. ONLY... I am the one getting dumped. eeeeeeek. Karma??? hmmm possibly.

 

I can't think that way. I've spent months and months trying to figure out ways to please my boss. Nothing. I've spend countless hours trying to figure out... WHERE am I going wrong. I've beat the crap out of myself. Feeling stupid, incompetant and just plain dumb.

 

And then I have friends and family trying to boost me and tell me NOT to believe him. NOT to give it any credence. Telling me how intelligent I am... and to look at HIS (my boss's) track record of firing people who rub him the wrong way. I try to tell myself they are right... and then I revert and feel beaten down. I've lost my believe in myself is what it amounts to.

 

And I don't know how to pull out of it.

 

I am so tired of fighting. I am so tired of one crisis after another. They say that a measure of a person is how they handle crisis... geeze louise... I should be a pro at this. I've gotten through every single one of them with about as much grace as I can muster. I just don't think I have anymore left in me.

 

Counseling. Yes... I've gone to counseling. As soon as I started feeling those feelings of beling lost, out of control, out to sea without a sail or rudder. Yeahhhh rahhhhhhh.... it doesn't seem to be doing me any good. I'm stuck.

 

This year has been, one hell of a year. The beginning of the year saw me facing major surgery. Knee replacement surgery. About the same time I put in notice for medical leave, my boss started giving me hell. All of a sudden I was on his sh*t list.... I received the crappiest review I have ever gotten in my career. AND then I went on medical leave. I tried to concentrate on my health then and not on the job.

 

The surgery was a success...albeit a very painful one. Put it this way... I'd rather give birth to 10 kids without an epidural in a row rather than face knee replacement sugery again. My goal at the beginning of the year was learning to walk again.

 

Humble. I learned what the word being humble means. When you can not do anything for yourself and have to count on other people to do for you... you are humbled. When you have two small children who need care and you can't do it... you are humbled. When you're body betray's you and doesn't function properly and the pain gets so bad you spit nails.... you are humbled. When in order to walk again, you have to move that new knee.... gritting your teeth, tears flowing silently and pushing as hard as you can. You are humbled. When you wake up in the middle of the night with muscle spasms..... and you are already on pain meds and can't safely take another dose and you scream in your pillow in pain so your children don't wake... you are humbled.

 

That was the start of my year.

 

And then you hear about how great you're doing from friends and family. And think... I'm falling a part here, I can't walk, I can't function, I have to provide for my family... and I can't even walk. And when ... and when I do get better... I might not have a job waiting for me.

 

grrrrrrrrrrrr

 

I got over the knee thing. I made it. I laughed with joy the first time I could lift my leg up to the couch without assiting it. It felt like it weighed 300 lbs... but I did it!!!!!

 

And then... back to work. I was bound and determined to make this work. To put my best foot forward. (no pun intended.) And its been like I'm beating myself against a wall. Every single day. ](*,)

 

Yes... I probably should have started looking a few months ago. I should have looked for another job. But I felt like I could prove to them that I could do this. Like I can battle through this... and prove to him that I wasn't as rotten an employee as he made me out to be. After all... I've been there for 15 years. Have a good track record and have gotten good reviews all along. Ohhhh I've pointed that out to him. Said.."How is this possible?" and he said that my previous supervisors are great liars.... or just unkind by not telling me the truth. wonderful eh????

 

As the summer progressed and I continued to battle with my job. I was starting to have other health issues. Tests tests and more tests... the "C" word.. CANCER came about. Freakin A... wonderful. Thats all I need. Find another job??? when???? I got a little preoccupied trying to take care of my two children, working 40 plus hours a week and visiting my doctor for a plethora of tests and blood letting. I went through a small surgery in August.... and I'm happy to say that I am clean. Two surgeries within a year... lol. I think someone said in my last post in the career section.... the situation at work is toxic. Ya think?

 

ohhh did I mention that at the end of August... I had a brief meeting with my boss and I was golden. God I wish I had a tape recorder for that session. I wish I had taped the conversation.... if nothing for MY PIECE of mind. And only a few short weeks later... what??? I'm garbage again.

 

grrrrrrrrrrrr

 

LOL... they gave me a project to work on at work that is a complete DOG. Prove yourself with this one they said. Wonderful... a PHD worked on this for 10 years and couldn't find a solution and I am expected to figure it out in how long???? lol Talk about set up for failure. And I press on.

 

Last week... we danced again. And this time... my 40 plus hours are NOT ENOUGH. They want more. hmmmmmm lets see. I put in 8 or more hours a day at work. I frequently bring work home... I'm on call nights and weekends and its NOT enough. "Are you telling us that you can't do this job???" eeeeeek. Its insane. The sheer amount of work is unmanagable.

 

I'm discouraged. I'm miserable. I'm disapointed in myself. Even though I know I've given it my all and there's no more I have to give.... I feel defective. Not good enough.

 

And there it is. Not good enough. I was defective and not good enough for my dad. I was defective and not good enough for my "X".... and I am defective and not good enough in my career. I feel like a friggin lemon. which by the way my "X" used to say to me all the time... that he got a "LEMON".

 

Love life? Well... I'm screwing that up as well. I'm not carring baggage... I'm carrying steamer trunks. lol. big ol steamer trunks.

 

I keep getting told that I have people in my corner.... "I'm here for you..." and yet... I feel so very alone. I feel alone alone alone.

 

 

Insight? Advice? Direction?

[Shadows Light]

Did I mention that through out my little dance this year. My "X" has been his usual charming self??? Oh yes. I'm on constant vigil watchng my children for abuse. My "X" is an alcholic... he's verbally, emotionally and physically abusive to the kids. ahhhh haaaaa you say.... report him. hmmmm well, you see he's smart... he doesn't leave marks. Yelling, screaming and using profanity at the kids doesn't leave a mark. Spanking them for silly infractions... hmmmm well thats a fine line. SIlly?? ohhh how about he spanks the 5 year old because she changed the TV channel. Is that NORMAL????? Or yelling proffanities at an 8 year old because she's acting out a commerical to him.. and uses a southern accent. She got in trouble for putting on a southern drawl... ya'll !!!! is that normal????

 

Yes... I've tried every legal angle. He walks the razors edge of being proper. grrrrrrrrrrr.

 

So add that to my happy mix of life sucks stew.

[Shadows Light]

It's been one hell of a week. I feel as though I've run through the pits of HELL this week. I think I put in more work this week than I do in 2 or 3 weeks. The pressure slow cooker is building.

 

I had a presentation yesterday I spent the better part of a week preparing for. And in the end.... it wasn't good enough. Does that surprise me? No not really. What did surprise me is that yet once again, I caught my supervisor. How do I word this???? He's shown me yet once again where he is...."CLUELESS". I used to think when he did this it was to test me. To test my competancy. I'm not so sure anymore....he used to do it privately, now it happens infront of an audience. And everytime he does it... I have to explain "WHY" such an such is not this....but that, because what I am explaining is of a technical nature and crucial to the project work. These things are usually rudimentary science. The comments he'll make are just.... DOH. you can't help but have to correct him. annnnd....I don't think that goes over to well.

 

At this point.... does it really matter?

 

The heat is set so high for me at work... its readily apparent what is going on.

 

Whats amazing is... I've watched my boss do this time and again to people. It management by fear. You make an example of one and make that person squirm before you set them on fire... and then the rest of the troops fall in line. What also happens is that employee turns into a LEPAR. Everyone keeps their distance less they catch the same disease. The person becomes one of the walking dead.... a ghost.

 

I'm being set up and the deck is being stacked against me. I am finding small bits of this to laugh about. My supervisor quite regularly cloisters himself in with the Boss... and I can see my bosses face inside his fish bowl office turn to stark raving PISSED, when yet again... .I've hit a mark. When yet again.. I've jumped an obstacle or hurdle. I'm becoming quite a nusance to him... he's having to dig deep to find a reason to ditch me. AND THAT... is what keeps me going. Give's me that little umph... and spring in my step, I need to keep going.

 

I wonder though... how long the WHIP... my supervisor will be able to hold out after this is all done. Will his conscience get the better of him, will he tire of being used as bullet, will he too surcomb to my fate or.... will the WHIP wize up and take on the old codger and beat him at his own game?

 

Meanwhile, back at the ranch. Third quarter earnings just came out for the corporation. They are abysmal, which only means one thing to the troops.... a shuffle and a lay-off is about to happen. We're about to play musical chairs again. Whooo hooo. And I know exactly where my chair will be. Yikes.

 

I received a tip from a colleque yesterday prior to my meeting that a shuffle was happening or about to happen at another facility. Later I found out that it had taken place this past week. The informant also told me that rumor has it... my facility is expected to go to the mat mid-November. ahhhhaaaa!!!! finally and end date to this charade.

 

It makes sense now.... my supervisor asked me a few weeks ago if I could HANG ON at this pace till mid-November. If I can keep up the battle till mid-November... and I said yes. I wondered why. I wondered what he knew that I did not know. He asked me if I can make a few adjustments and keep it up till then. I told him YES.... I will NOT QUIT. I AM NOT A QUITER. Put your boot on my neck and knock me down... but I will keep on fighting and I will keep on getting up.

 

Mid-November.... why?? because if there is a lay-off planned they usually let you go with a "package". I guess its to sooth their conscience and make it all better. Hey...its better than.. ZERO.. I guess. lol.

 

When a company has to SLIM down in order to appease Wall Street....one of the quickest ways to do it is by divesting themselves of assets, that include facilities and personel. It makes the biggest dent in shifting the books to appear... better.

 

When you get rid of personel....you have to be careful of law suits. Oh there is some you can get rid of who have put themselves in a precarious position. Not to much documentation needed. Then you start looking for the most expendable people in your organization. Me? I am expendable. I've outlived my usage. One of my product lines that used to be a cash cow... has moved from maturity into a rapidly declining market due to technolgical advancements. THANK-YOU INTERNET AND EMAIL... My love and my nemisis. Since my technical expertise in this area is no longer of value.... and I carry a relatively high salary...you could pay someone out of college to do what I do... easiily. ahhhaaa!!!! but you lose the technical knowledge that I have accumilated in 15 years of service. That is the rub... and that is the chance they take... time and again.

 

Over the years watching this happen... and seeing NEW BLOOD introduced into the company it amazed me how we go to re-invent the wheel every few years. The newbies come in... and they have a CONCEPT... A FRESH IDEA.... and you have to chuckle a bit to yourself. Its like they are resurrecting the DEAD... resurrecting old projects. Ohhh don't get me wrong... great ideas.... but if your assets haven't changed in the last 20 years... and you are still working with the same dated equipment you did then.... none of the variables changed except the dance partners...then how much success can you hope to get???

 

I've been able to reach out to alumni... others who have gone before me. And the amazing thing is... its like I'm hearing my story from their lips. What the heII do they have a class in business school for this??? do they write a standard operating procedure on how to stack the deck against an expendable employee??? WOW. all I can say is WOW.

 

I'm sounding rather cocky here arn't I? well.... don't sweat it. I'm dying inside. My self worth is hanging by a thread and my level of trust in my fellow man is just about NILL.

 

On the home front.....there are turbulant times as well. I have a friendship that is sitting precariously on the fence. A friend of mine is very upset with me..... and won't tell me why. I guess they'll wait to deliver that blow once my focus on my career and job isn't at the fore front. In the grand scheme of things.... it upsets me but I can care less right now.

 

My love life? well....it is what it is. There too my trust levels are NIL. And if people don't understand that then.... I really don't care. I seriously don't care. I was married and alone for so many years... and I can continue on by myself without qualm. I don't know why it is so difficult for people to understand that about me..... I don't know why it is so difficult for people to understand that I am not NEEDY. I can't stand clingy, viney, ooey gooey nothing. I have enough to deal with without trying to deciminate a personal relationship. If you are here.. great. If you are not... its ok. I'm not one of those... I will wither up and die on the vine without you type of gals. Never have been....and maybe thats part of my charm and allure. A challenge if you will. grrrrrr.

 

My kids.... beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. I thank my lucky stars up above everyday that I have them in my life. I went to "OPEN HOUSE" this week... and was pleasantly surprised. My D8 was asked to write 3-5 sentences about Halloween. She chose to write a short story... 6 pages long. It very well written with charchters, plot, setting, litterary illumination... I was dumb-founded. WHERE DID THIS COME FROM? How???? My D8.... a writer. I'm tickled. And then D5... well the comments I received from her teacher were equally a pleasant surprise. "A joy to have in class" "Mannerly" "Courteous" "Funny" "Talented" "Hard working" ....... I had to stop her and ask her if we were talking about my kid???? lol. And both teachers praised me on my parenting. They said they wished more parents would take as much time with their children. GULP. Are you kidding??? I don't think I spend nearly as much time as I should with them. I kick myself all the time for "coulda, woulda, shoulda" at the end of a weekend. I try.... I try my best to be a good parent and pass down as much learning as I can. But since the rest of my life is like a juggling act.... I don't feel I spend as much time with them as I should be. To hear from the teachers that my parenting shows.. .and that other parents don't sit and read to their kids, or work with flash cards, homework or teach kids rules and consquences.... amazes me. Here I am thinking that I am doing the bare minimum.... only to learn there are those who do far less with thier kids. Kudo's for me... but jeeze... what does it say about our children in the school systems????

 

Anyway... I'm quite proud of my children. They seem happy for the most part and healthy. The situation with their dad not withstanding. When I think about thier father... My head aches. How can you NOT love these kids? How can you NOT want to see them everyday and see thier smiles, get thier hugs, watch them grow into young ladies? How do you give that up? I don't understand. I'm doing the best that I can as a divorced single mom. My feelings about thier father are held in check. there are many times I'd like to cut loose and just tell them... but I can't. D8 is getting to an age where she knows. She's starting to question. Its a matter of time before she forms her opinion and starts voicing them to her father. Its a matter of time before she stops wanting to see him. Sometimes I can see the pain in her eyes as she triies to figure out the "WHY's?" Her little mind is so black and white... full of innocence. Its painful to watch the realization of REALITY coming into focus inside of her. The only way I can combat that is to try my damnest to create a happy loving safe home for them. This house is their safe haven. This house is full of love and a place they can relax. I don't ever want it to be a war zone again. I don't ever want to hear my child say... "mommy its ok.. when I hear daddy screaming, I just hide in my closet and if I put a pillow over my head.. .I don't hear him." THAT will not happen again. There is enough to fear outside of this house in the world without them having to fear home.

 

So you see...I'm juggling. Juggling on all fronts. One of my bits of happiness is about to take a vacation. I've taken up the sport of MOTORCYCLE riding. I have a HARLEY that just does things for me when I twist the throttle. When the world seems like its kicking the crap out of me.... I take a deep breath...sit on my bike and twist that throttle. I head off into the metro parks and take on the twists and turns of the road. I am in the moment on that bike.... can't think of anything else except what I am doing at that moment. To think of anything else would put me at great risk. The focus I have to have on my bike... sounds as if I should be paranoid... and yet... I'm relaxed. Its the ONE THING that takes me away. Takes me away from the everyday. Fall is here and with that... Winter on its heals. In the winter we have what is called...PMS.. Parked Motorcycle Syndrome. lol. today its cloudy and raining. Not condusive to riding. I guess I can't run away for a few hours and get lost in nature can I. lol. Thats why I'm at this computer... sitting with my thoughts.