Crushing Losses

[Lynxdn]

Wed 10/10/07

 

Seattle.

 

Awoke yesterday with a flashback to one of the stories of the attack on the twin towers. A company I owned stock in, Cantor Fitzgerald, owned a company named Espeed that occupied the 104th floor of one of the towers.

 

Wiped out. Most of staff killed. Families contested settlement company offered. Messy stuff. And as I continued to try to trade amidst other personal losses I soon wiped out my accumulated life savings, as well. THIS dried up my dreams for what that money could do and with my dreams went my innate sense of my direction for my life. I'm living as a walking shadow today.

 

Cut to today. My remaining investments are going south, still. I'm chronically feeling that I lost something internal, intangible, magical that I'll never feel again. This affects my life confidence, This still matters financially as I'm a contract 1099 worker. I can't trust just coasting along as I must constantly be "out there" promoting my work.

 

Had a Reiki massage yesterday and my healer suggested telling and telling my story until I get done with it.

 

This reminded me of the Rime of the Ancient Mariner that I listened to perhaps 30 times in high school for research on a paper about Coleridge. Printed it out. Read it out loud. Requested that any spells or curses or trances internalized so long ago be broken, and burned it.

 

This is telling no. 1. I have unknown many more to go.

 

Lynx

[Lynxdn]

For a flash began to list in my mind what triggers painful grief

 

watching Apple keep rising in share price ... had owned, sold, rebot, sold again

 

seeing a blackberry ... had the stock and got frightened and sold before its steep rise

 

passing krispy kreme - thought to short it at $30, hesitated and watched it plummet to $20 very fast

 

getting my financial statements

 

any flash to the dreams my wealth would have supported ... allowing me to pick my projects more carefully, allowing me to take my mom someplace where she's always wanted to do, my own international travel, paying off the mortgage, enough set aside for an endowment, freedom to pursue/produce my creative efforts,

 

i miss the sheer fun of successful investing, do i ever.

 

anytime i feel I'm just toiling along taking up space using resources till i die

 

anytime i have to spend any money and it becomes a exercise in priority setting (I'm speaking about relatively small amounts).

 

seeing an investor business daily or a wall street journal

 

see the financial pages of the local paper

 

mypage on yahoo (need to edit out all the stock quotes, still lack the stamina)

 

seeing anyone who kept their wealth doing fabulous things (Social Venture Partners members comes to mind)

 

holding onto worn out clothes yet another season due to lack of money to get new ones

 

paying debts and bills out of sense of duty rather than joyfully and gratefully for the benefits I've received.

 

i miss my core confidence about my life and how my skills would keep my life ever improving. I miss my Mojo.

 

I miss my co-counseling partner. I really have no one close to me who get it. I feel alone and that I must carry this grief in secret.

 

I hate pretending in public among casual friends that life just floats along. I hate have to account for those years. I now call them my "tragic years." People winch. I don't have much to share of break-through positivity about those times.

 

I annoys me to hear about other peoples travels.

 

I hate telling my life partner that yet another home remodeling idea has to remain just an idea because I lack the funds.

 

I hate that, for a brief spell in my life, I could actually picture myself without needing to put every single spending decision through a frugal filter and now that has evaporated to my utter disbelief and horror.

 

I dislike making myself get out there due to financial necessity. I'd rather curl up and hide my shame and embarrassment.

 

Lynx

[Lynxdn]

Just cleared out my "My Yahoo!" portfolios. All of them. Some true gems, and interesting selections. One consolation--my "old flames" portfolio of a few stocks I'd once had and dropped at some stage had very minimal gains. Those decisions were sound, at least.

 

That's a start.