Just for me

[superc]

For once I'm doing something for me.

 

I've allowed you to haunt me for a year and a half. I hold no ill will to you for that. I made the conscious effort to allow these feelings, not you.

 

I remember the initial six months or so. Every part of me, truly wanted to die. I thought I was alone because no one, I felt, could feel as insane as I did when we broke up. The longer I felt like wanting to die, the more I felt alone. Why couldn't I just GET OVER YOU?

 

Finally a year ago September, I knew I had to begin NC. Wow that hurt like crazy. I maintained NC but only in the sense of not talking. I cheated sometimes and checked on your myspace to see a recent picture of you at least (that's all I could see cause your page was private), but it was ok.

 

Funny enough, I told M that I'd hear from you at Thanksgiving last year. That date will always, forever, mean something to me. Like clockwork, you reappeared. I wish I could say that while I knew you'd speak to me, it didn't hurt. No amount of preparation actually prepared me yanno? It was ok for a few days, until you started to get nosey and, once becoming nosey, didn't like the forthcoming answers. Then you started getting all pissy and angry and we went into NC again.

 

Man that made me feel horrible. I was, I thought, starting to do better and then wham.

 

Then you came back again just before your birthday the end of February, but got all pissy again and disappeared before mine in March. Once again you returned in May and disappeared again. Same same.

 

Now you returned again the end of August.

 

What sticks out this time, are a few things.

 

You got all pissy at me again but, for the FIRST time, we talked through it. Hey, I even commented to you how proud I was of the fact we had that moment, we TALKED it through, and you didn't run again. Things were even ok for a week or two after that. Oh sure, you keep accusing me of make believe things, but it doesn't bother me much anymore.

 

So, what's this all about?

 

Well, you know what? It's all about me this time.

 

For the last two weeks, despite my few brief notes here and there, you've started NC again. I'm super proud of myself because it doesn't hurt like it use to anymore. God help me, I've grown a thicker skin. The thing is though, I still love you...however I'm not accepting the fact this time that I'll hear from you again, at Thanksgiving. That's like, not ok with me.

 

So, with much help from people here, I've sent you a note and told you how I feel. I told you I love you. I told you I really think we can work. I also told you that what ever YOU decide, I'll accept and move on but I wasn't going to die with the regret of not telling you I'm still in love with you.

 

This is my reminder...that I WILL be strong enough with what ever you say in return. I WILL be strong enough if you say no. I WILL be strong enough if you don't ever reply or simply ignore the question. YOU, however, need to understand that should you not reply, or not want to work this out, I'm moving on with my life and will never, despite your two month interval reappearing acts, be in contact with you again. I'm NOT living the remainder of my days, waiting for every two months to reappear. Not an ultimatium, cause I didn't even TELL you that in my note. It's just... a fact.

 

If I'm strong enough to know this, believe this, and do this today - I'll be strong enough no matter WHAT happens, WHEN it happens...and this will be my reminder of that when ever I need it.

[superc]

Wow.

 

To read your note today was both kinda sad but, at the same time, felt like a burden had been lifted.

 

You told me you were seeing someone. I won't analize that but, I kinda feel sorry for the girl you're with. With the things you said to me this last time, when you came back, you are emotionally cheating on her. Having said THAT, I do wish you all the best. I really do.

 

I didn't cry when I read your note, and I'm kinda proud of that. I've shed an entire ocean of tears over you this last year and a half...maybe I'm all dried up.

 

It's not to say my heart doesn't hurt though. But hey...I took a risk. I can now be hit by a bus tomorrow and be ok with myself.

 

So now the real NC begins. I know you'll be back in November. I'm fortunate enough, I guess, to know that no matter what, I HAVE to do NC with you...so at least I'm prepared already for November. I can practice the next month being strong enough. I know though that you don't realize I have to do the NC and I know, even if I told you, you don't think I'm strong enough to do it. I guess maybe you'll be surprised in November.