Relationship With X

[sky09]

Is she trying to ship you out of the country? I'm missing something here. I've already provided my input and stay by it. Nothing new to add, other than you need to stay your ground and not be her door mat. You need to get a legal opinion asap!

[Jeffbobo]

Myrivera, you've been given a lot of good advice by people that have gone through what you're going through.

 

What you need to do is come up with a plan and execute on it. Write it down if that helps as a stepwise process. I know it's hard but you need to step back and think of you and only you. Make tomorrow the first day of the rest of your new life. Be a man with a plan. Listening to your story, if I were you, my plan would be:

 

Take charge...

1. Consult an attorney and file for divorce.

2. Come up with a plan to get away from her and get her out of your life. Thoughts?

A. You're from IL and have family there? Talk to them about going to IL. You'll have the support of family while getting your life together.

B. I don't know divorce laws in the U.K. but if you can execute on point (A), then I'd do that as quickly as possible.

3. Close the door on your old life and don't look back.

 

I know it's hard now but see this as a new beginning. Become the man that she fell for in the beginning but not for her but for you and your future life. Follow lost and other posters advice on this. Strength and courage.

[Myrivera]

Yes. That is the plan so far. Go home to IL and stay with my mom for a max of 3 months while I find a Federal job, start going to school, and find a place to live.

 

Things my wife has said to me in two short months:

 

- ILYBINILWY

- We just grew apart

- I can't see a future with you anymore

- Staying together means only one of us would be happy

- My therapist asked me if you do all the things I asked of you in the time that I wanted, would I be happy? Honestly? No.

- I want to focus on me

- We're just not compatible

- I'm sorry I can't be your home anymore, just like you're not mine

- You're going to do great things, I can see it. You'll make more money than me and have a happy successful life

- My therapist said that it sounds like you have a lot of growing up to do. She said you're emotionally immature.

- I have to say goodbye to my dreams of having children with you. Of raising them with vacations in the Philippines. Of being a part of such a huge and loving family.

- I want someone secure. Someone I can let my walls down with and who will understand me.

- You're a good man. But being a good man is not enough.

- I worry that I won't find another man that will treat me like you did. Who'll be kind to me and gentle with me.

- I'm not interested in vanilla sex anymore.I want a man who'll be into the things I'm into (bdsm)

- I regret that we married so quickly

- I wish we had waited for our church wedding

- I saw the red flags before we got married but I ignored them because I was scared of losing you

- You trapped me in this marriage by using my own hope against me. My hope that you would change and man up and be a good partner.

- I wanted to go to that marriage retreat not to give you false hope but so I can pick up skills that I can use in my next relationship (she wanted us to go to make the paperwork look more solid, to show the military that we've exhausted all avenues at trying to make it work)

- I know I say all these harsh things to you but I find that consistency is the only thing that will work with you. You need a constant push to believe something. Believe me, this divorce is happening.

 

So yeah, all this was said to me over the past 8 weeks and I didn't know that I could feel so low. Thank you for all the advice. I decided over the past two days that I'm leaving and not coming back to make a life for myself here. I don't think I'll really be able to move on if I hang around being so close. She said my leaving would be the healthiest thing for us. She would miss me, but it's for the best. That seems to be the most care and concern she can muster for me. So let's get healthy then.

[lostandhurt]

You are missing many signs she is giving you. EVERYTHING she has said is selfish. It is to make HER life easier, HER guilt less and her decision solid.

 

I can tell you right now that she still isn't sure she is doing the right thing and I can tell you right now that your vision has cleared enough to see that even if you could repair this perhaps you would not be happy.

 

Many of us that have been on this thread realized later that our ex's did us a favor. Of course we were like you in the beginning wanting desperately to fix it at all costs because we allowed fear to control our emotions. If we knew we would be okay when it was all over and happier then it would have made it all so much easier and faster.

 

As you spend more time away from her and start seeing her in a different light you are starting to see that she views you in ways that are not very nice. Are they justified? Is that really who you are? In your mind she is coming down off the pedestal you placed her on when you took all the blame for what happened and things are simply looking much clearer for you.

 

She wants you to finish the choice she has made which you should not do. You should decide what you want to do and then do it like Jeff suggested. Make a plan for your life, not hers with you as an afterthought. At this point it is been all about what is best for her and nothing about what is best for you. Sure she makes veiled attempts at making it sound like she is doing you a favor like a parent kicking their child out when they turn 18 "for their own good" but it is all just a selfish move on her part.

 

From what you have written you have no ties to the country you reside in, no children and no assets really. If you choose to end this it sounds like it will be less complicated than most except that you are in a foreign land. She seems in a hurry for you to leave so I think she is getting advice from someone else and possibly has a guy on the side she has been confiding in and would like to start a romantic relationship with.

 

Don't get rushed into anything.

Make sure you know ALL your rights?

Just because you are the male on this doesn't mean you have no rights and the military should have resources for you as a spouse of an active soldier. Look into it.

 

Time to decide. What do you want to do? Stay or leave?

 

If you stay what is your goal?

 

If you leave what do you absolutely have to do before you leave the country? Make sure it is all done BEFORE you depart!!!

 

If I were you I would tell her to file the paperwork and you will seek legal aid when you are served. Call her bluff as it were. She wants this so bad make her do the dirty work.

 

Drive you to the airport??? How gracious of her....

 

Lost

[Jeffbobo]

Myrivera, I heard some of the same BS from my ex wife six years ago. Differences were that we had twenty three years together, four kids, I was highly successful in my career, we had successful side businesses and lived the dream. The hardest thing for me was that she didn't want to even try and it left me feeling that as far as we'd come, all that was and what could be, ultimately I was not worth it. To boot, since she hadn't officially worked out of the home for 20 years, I lost everything and was ordered to pay an insane amount of alimony and child support. Nice kick in the nards!

 

I've come a long way and learned a lot in reflection since then. This forum and people that have gone through similar experiences like lost have been invaluable. Listen, learn and act. In that order. And continue to reach out for help here and through friends and family.

[Myrivera]

Thank you all. I have been listening. She texted me today that she had been in conversation with a lawyer in IL and he has started the process of filing. I was not as crushed as I thought I would be. Maybe I'm just exhausted but I know I'm not numb. Resigned to our fate I guess. I know that her actions are selfish and like our counselor has said when he saw that my wife was resolute, it's time for me to think about myself now and not "us". I'm surrounded by a good group of people that keep me fed and at times buzzed with drink (though not to excess) after hours at the restaurant. I regret not hanging out with them sooner last year when I first started to come here for good Filipino food. So what I've been practicing is mindfulness to get back to my calm easy-going nature.

[lostandhurt]

Good

Your reaction or lack of one is a good sign believe it or not. What was your response to her when she texted you she started the divorce process?

 

Do you know your rights? Time to educate yourself. As the spouse of an active duty soldier what is available to you as far as counseling? Find out.

 

Your worst enemy during a divorce is ignorance!!!

 

Don't respond to texts unless needed and when you do keep them short and to the point.

 

Lost

[Myrivera]

I just said ok. Then she barraged me with texts on what she was doing. I just said ok. My only question was to clarify if I had to be in IL for 90 days before filing can be finalized. She said that no, since I've lived in IL since I was 10, I'm considered a resident so there really is no delay. She's actually doing me a favor since her we got married in GA and she changed her home of record from NJ to GA. That means I won't have to drive to GA to go to court to finalize our divorce. I think she's really champing at bit to get this done. She said she doesn't want to just go out and find some random to bring home and bang but she does miss sex (our last time was back in November). Makes me sad that it all boils down to that with her. Which just highlights her selfishness more.

 

I don't have to answer to the military anymore and now that I live away from her, it would be easy to find and pick up a girl at the local bar. But the thought of doing that or being with a woman other than my wife is so not a turn on for me right now. I consider my vows sacred.

[lostandhurt]

Don't even consider dating or even a casual thing until you are in a better place. It will mess you up if you do.

 

She is chomping at the bit and bringing up sex more than likely because she has her eyes on someone already and wants the legal part done and you out of the country so she can do what she wants with what she thinks is a clear conscience. I would guess her choice to end the marriage was partly driven by the fact that she has been talking to another guy. It sucks but it really doesn't change anything.

 

From what you have written you two were not on the same page on some pretty important life choices.

 

If I were you I would polish up my resume and start looking for a job in IL.

 

Lost

[Myrivera]

Oh I know. Honestly not looking forward to jumping back into the dating pool. I know that I need to give myself some time to fully detach but also to really know who I am as a person. At my core. I'm unhappy with me right now and bringing another person into the mess my life currently is and will be soon after the divorce decree, will just drag her down and me further down into anxiety.

[Myrivera]

So after two days of not talking to me, I get a text from my wife saying "Hey, you're not driving around after drinking are you?" Which was weird since I was just messaging my friend on FB about having a glass of wine and chatting after work at her place before I headed to wherever I was going to end up that night. I said no why? and left it at that. I'm not much of a drinker but I've had a glass or half glass of wine with dinner and had been perfectly fine.

 

She then asked "Are you sure? I know you drink at work sometimes with your boss especially with karaoke night". I explained to her that when I do that, I either get a ride or ask my buddy down the street from the restaurant if I can crash at his place. That she can ask my boss if I leave my car parked in front of the restaurant whenever I take shots with my coworkers. Not often but it has happened.

 

She said "ok just wanted to make sure. I can still get in trouble if you are irresponsible and get a dui."

 

Thanks. Not that I also want to avoid a DUI that would follow me for the rest of my life or God forbid I run over an innocent person. Not that I'm a responsible adult that rarely drinks and usually is the first to offer to DD whenever we're out at bars or pubs. That the last 6 times we've gone out, I purposely stayed sober to get us home safely and to protect you and take care of you. Make sure you have fluids and food to get over your massive hangovers. That I'm a person that deserves respect and not condescension.

[cherrygarcia]

Hi Myrivera,

Some of your stories here reminds me of a moments few years ago when I was crying, wishing that the pain would just end. But thankfully, I'm in a better position now, not completely healed but getting there.

May I remind you that even in our darkest moments, do your best to cling to hope- you have to be okay being on your own, find peace within you and begin to love yourself enough to know that this is the right thing for you. Find yourself again. Tomorrow is a new day, you'll experience brighter days again..

Cherry

[Myrivera]

Thank you Cherry. It's getting better everyday. I still have interactions with my wife on the weekends. We had lunch today to discuss some things she offered to buy off of me. I can say without regrets that I let her just have them (a heavy duty car jack and a transformer for 220 to 110v). I didn't take any money because it's not important to me right now. Plus she works on her car more often than I do on mine.

 

I know some of you are cringing or shaking your heads but I chose to get back to my nature as a person. I am generous to a fault but I am now armed with some very important boundaries. My wife remarked that I seemed to be adopting a false bravado and that I now have a wall up. I don't think I do. I feel more like my old self everyday. I let her comment wash over me and I realized I'm not reacting the way I used to. I choose to remain positive and upbeat about my circumstances because I don't really have it as hard as some of the people here who have gone through a high conflict divorce. I truly want for my wife to be happy and I know that I will be ok whatever comes my way.

 

She said that she's consistent in her convictions because it's the healthiest way for us to move past this. That she's doing the opposite of what she wants because it's the only way she can cope with the coming change. That she misses me everyday and wants to hug me and cuddle with me but she's not going to because it would just muddy the waters. I took her revelations in stride (believe only 50% of what she says and none of what she does) because I'm finding myself stronger emotionally and mentally as I live my life separate from my wife. Do I miss her? Everyday. Do I love her? Completely. Will I let her go to find her happiness? Absolutely.

[lostandhurt]

Do you see what is happening?

 

She is keeping tabs on you and her excuse to contact you was just that and it was a selfish reason anyways. She wasn't concerned about you, she was concerned your actions would harm her.

 

The fact that she keeps trying to convince you are remind you why she is doing and acting the way she is tells a lot to me. She is still trying to convince herself that she is dong the right thing and she is also justifying her actions. I would guess actions she is not proud of but will have to live with the rest of her life.

 

A jack and an inverter would cost more to ship home than they are worth plus if you want to walk away from this feeling good about who you are taking the high road is always best. Keep going in that direction but don't give away anything of real value.

 

As time marches on and your days are filled with working on yourself and thinking of your future back home you will change inside and out and her comments are proof that they are visible to her. I get the feeling that in a few years she will regret her choice but you will not. From what you have said you are not the guy you used to be, the guy you liked a lot better and now that you are discovering him again the joy in life is awakening inside you once more. I am happy this tragic thing in your life is being turned into a positive.

 

Lost

[Myrivera]

Thanks lost! I always enjoy hearing from you. The shipment of my things will be paid for by the AF. So I'm not too worried.

 

My wife relayed to me that she had talked to her boss at her part time job and that he knows someone willing to rent me a room for £110 a week and that she was willing to pay it. She said she was concerned with my transient couch surfing lifestyle and that she'd like for me to have a place to call my own while we wait for my ticket. I refused the offer. Because I actually like hanging out with my new friends and they're always offering, insisting almost. It lets me connect with people again and share some amusing and sad stories.

 

My boss told me that it sounds like she's just covering her ass again. That if the military found out I've been kicked out of the house and just moved from place to place, that she'd get in big trouble. After all, why not just let me stay in the guest bedroom? My name is still on the lease and she's still getting married pay. So yeah selfishness mixed with concern. She actually accused me of sleeping in my car at times and she looked ready to cry. Probably her guilt at what she's doing to me. I just laughed at the ridiculousness of that statement. I have the means to at least rent a room for the night at a local motel if my situation got that bad.

 

But really I don't feel bad. I am grateful everyday that I have my health and I have friends who make me laugh and sometimes can use me as a sounding board for their own troubles.

 

I also found out that she's joined fetlife and is just "doing research" for the things she's into for the "future". Things she's convinced herself that I could never fulfill. That she's looking for a strong, dominant, and secure partner after this relationship legally ends. Hurtful but ah well. Not my concern anymore. I carry myself with newfound dignity and I respect myself enough not to rise to the bait that emotional conversation would bring.

[cherrygarcia]

Gracies for sharing your strength and courage Myrivera.

I am thinking of you as I go through your message. A heartfelt experience like yours can keep a person (who maybe in a similar situation) going.

Take this time to think and focus on all the good things. You have all the courage and strength and the decision to move forward is always yours.

I know how painful it is and it can get lonely sometimes but I want to be your friend through this. I just don’t know how.

Please reach out to me if you want someone to talk or go for a walk.. I'm based in Singapore kabayan

[Myrivera]

Salamat Cherry. I am still in the U.K. but will be heading back to Chicago in two months or less. I do take frequent trips to the Philippines though because I love my pinsans. I may take you up on going for walks and talking. I am doing much better these days thank you for your thoughts. I'm not sure how to send PMs on this forum and I'm not sure about the etiquette for revealing personal contact info. If anyone has some guidance, it would be appreciated.

[lostandhurt]

To send a private message a poster has to have a certain amount of posts and cherry does not yet. You left click on their username and a window pops up and you select private message.

 

It is good that you aren't taking the bait and staying true to yourself. Your stbx is up to something for sure and has ulterior motives for sure. Stay strong and continue on the 180.

 

Lost

[Myrivera]

Well I mean she's been pretty transparent about it now. She's admitted that she joined a few different dating sites for swingers and fetishists. I'm not really surprised. This is something she felt she's been missing for so long. I understood this about her when I married her and I try not to let it bother me that she's looking for a replacement for me as soon as I leave.

 

Really I just feel sad for her. That she thinks these pursuits will bring her happiness. I've read enough on here and other places that a person will never be happy with another until they become happy with themselves. That is something that I've been working on everyday. I am lazy most times when I don't have a focus (but so are most humans), I work like a man possessed when I do have a job, I'm a decent person who is kind and polite to strangers, I make friends easily, and I have a lot to laugh and learn about. What's really there to be unhappy about? I have my health and the love and support of a big family.

 

I don't know if I can post a link here for YouTube but this video helped me put things in perspective:

 

I've been single before but not happily so, I'm not afraid to be single again. The happiness during it? I'm working to change that.

[cherrygarcia]

Welcome Myrivera. I resonate very much with your story.

It's good to explore/enjoy UK before moving back to the states.

I've been travelling frequently to PH nowadays as my family is there although I live permanently in SG.

I like to walk in a tree-lined, pine-scented Camp John Hay in Baguio, have you been there?

Glad to know you love your pinsans, wondering how many are they. Family is really love.They give us a sense of hope and belonging that sometimes carries us through some of the rough spots in our life.

 

I don't think I can use PMs here but I'm grateful for this forum. It has a lot of interesting perspective especially reading Lost insights.

Thanks Lost, this forum has a lot of soul!

[lostandhurt]

If you find yourself always trying to make your partner happy or having to entertain them so they are happy something is wrong. I tried for 20 years to MAKE my ex happy but was blind to the facts in front of me.

 

Looking at the overall situation what do you see now? I know you love her but if other than your love for her what do you see?

 

From what you have written your life goals seem to be going in opposite directions. You want a happy loving relationship with marriage and children and she wants to play sex games and be free.

 

Have you started on your resume? You will want to hit the ground running when you get back in the states.

 

Lost

[Myrivera]

You want a happy loving relationship with marriage and children and she wants to play sex games and be free

 

That is the most succinct way to put our situation. Thank you. What muddies the waters are the emotions.

 

My resume has been updated and I've sent it off to my cousin, a Human Resources director for Starwood Hotels for the past 15 years, to review. She's a tough boss and will pick apart my resume and give me pointers on what to improve.

[cherrygarcia]

I don't know if I can post a link here for YouTube but this video helped me put things in perspective:

Thanks for sharing the video, it has great content and I instantly subscribed to it

[Kemp48]

I've been reading this thread for weeks, since I'm in the similar situation as most. I get the benefit of seeing how some of your stories unfolded over the years, and find Nick's story to be inspiring. I also find comments from others advising Nick to be interesting since they've disagreed with him, yet, he managed to reconcile.

 

I think we are all well intentioned here to support and help each other, but I'd imagine for those that are hurting, all advice seem like good advice.

 

Nick, with the benefit of hindsight, were you able to ask your ex-wife(now wife 2.0) how she felt when you were nice to her during the process? Did she really think you were weak and indecisive, and used that to manipulate you like waffle suggested?

 

Thank you, this thread has been such an amazing resource.

[nick66]

For some reason I decided to look at the forum today and saw your post Kemp.

 

My reason to be nice wasn't based on her, but just how I felt I should act towards her. What does being a total do? Make the situation worse? I will say this, being nice did work out in my favor regarding the divorce. I got the house, my pension, my retirement account, everything. I was just paying child support for my kids, which I was happy to do. She has never stated that she felt I was weak or indecisive. I did my thing everyday and followed my regular schedule. My advice is this, do whatever feels right for you, as you're the person going through everything. Just because someone else did it one way, their situation isn't yours. You have to live your life, and you have to be comfortable making the decisions you feel are best for you. Now, there are plenty of people here who ended up divorcing an absolutely horrible person, and I would never suggest staying with someone like that. Especially if they are emotionally and/or physically abusive.

 

I knew my wife had lost focus, and turned into a completely different person than I married. She has stated numerous times that everything I said about her was correct. The person she is now is even better than the one I married the first time. Here's what we both found out that was a major problem for the both of us the first time. We put the kids first before us. You have to put your spouse before your kids. Your kids will grow up and become adults, but your spouse will be with you a lifetime.

 

I don't regret anything I did, and that's all that matters as I live my life how I want to. There are some posters here that I just ignore, and there are some that truly try to help with thoughtful and sincere advice.