Relationship With X

[nick66]

Hi, thanks for replying.

I have read this entire thread and it has been good for me to see I am not alone and that most of your stories are what I am going through. My wife has also re written history and said all of the things that most of your ex or stbx spouses have said to you. I noticed yesterday that the last post i see was from last year and was wondering if it was the end of the tread. The last date I see is 6/22/15. This thread has great information and has given me hope with the stories of benga and nick. benga's story blows me away because of how long the time frame was for him - years. nicks story blew me away because I thought for sure there was no way his marriage could be saved, by the things his wife did and said to him I thought for sure he could not save his marriage alone - . I think both benga and nick were divorce at the time their WAS came back and wanted back.

 

Thank you for any info you can give about the updating of this thread

 

Thought I'd check in and look around, I haven't been here for awhile now. I don't have much time right now, at work. I can post back on Sunday when I have some time. I have been remarried again to my wife now for a year and 5 months and things couldn't be better between us.

 

Again, I'll check in again this Sunday.

[speed racer]

Thought I'd check in and look around, I haven't been here for awhile now. I don't have much time right now, at work. I can post back on Sunday when I have some time. I have been remarried again to my wife now for a year and 5 months and things couldn't be better between us.

 

Again, I'll check in again this Sunday.

 

Hi Nick,

I remember seeing some of your post, but can't remember your specific details.

Could you please give me a brief timeline and background of your situation?

I would like to hear how the "R" started, progressed and any info you could give about it.

 

I have been implementing a lot of suggestions from others on this sight. It is weird that most of what I have read has happened so long ago to

these folks.

 

The frequency of replies has died off but as you do I still check in.

 

I believe you were one of the first thread members -

Any info from you sir would be medicine for my soul....

 

Thank you Nick

Speed

[nick66]

Speed,

 

Well, I definitely wasn't one of the first one's posting in this thread, benga, lost, Jeff, and others were here before me. I didn't look, but I think I started around 2013 or so? Doesn't matter really. I think I went about my divorce differently than others here, but everyone needs to do whats best for their situation.

 

I had three kids with my wife, along with a stepson, and I was determined to make my marriage work. The strange part about everything I went through was that we actually only lived apart for around 8 months, and during that time, we still spent time together frequently.

 

I'm not sure what stage you're in, but as others have stated, you need to concentrate on yourself first. I'm not sure if you have kids, but make them a priority as well. I never talked bad about their Mom, as they loved her and it's just not right to do in my opinion. My oldest daughter knew who was to blame for the mess, so nothing needed to be said anyway.

 

You know when my then ex-wife wanted to try and make things work again? It was when I had moved on and she no longer was a priority in my life. She stated that she knew she had made a big mistake, and that she missed me. As others have stated, let her go. She might not come back, most don't I imagine. If she does though, it's your decision if in fact you want her.

 

The best thing we ever did was counseling after we got back together. We had a female, and she let my wife know when she was wrong. It was so nice just being able to talk with a third party involved.

 

Again, update me on where you're at, as I'm not up-to-date with your current situation.

 

Take care.

[lostandhurt]

speed racer,

 

There is no magic pill that will fix this other than letting her go and getting on with your life. We have all told you the same thing so please listen.

 

Begging, being super nice, bailing her out of problems, supporting her emotionally or financially, being there for her anytime and professing your undying love to her will only drive her farther away.

 

Be strong, be confident and make your life healthy and exciting like YOU want it to be. She may notice and realize how stupid she has been or she may dig her heels in and never admit she screwed up. Either way it is her choice...

 

Keep posting updates so we can help you.

 

Lost

[nick66]

Hey lost, hope everything is going well for you. I don't stop by much anymore, as I like to keep it in the past, but it's good to see that you're still around helping others out.

 

Take care my friend.

[speed racer]

Hi everyone,

I am way past the begging, pleading stage.

I do not initiate contact with her at all.

 

I don’t text her, there are no phone calls.

I only return answers to her text. (kids text only)

 

I have no idea if any of this is hard on her.

I have no idea if she wants to contact me at all.

 

I have no idea if the NC approach will allow her

to get further away from me. I’m worried this will

justify her reasoning - one of the things she made up and

used as 1 of her many excuses was “We don’t communicate, we live

parallel lives.” I know this was BS, I know this was just a BS

line to use.

 

I have always made my kids priority, I have never said anything negative

to them about their mother. I do know that they both know who caused all of this.

They are 12 and 18. They go through the motions of the 50/50 thing, but I can

tell deep down they know that Dad didn’t want this at all.

 

The way my wife told my kids was another indication to me on how

bazaar she had become. She did it so “matter of factly.”

 

I won’t go into all of it (which lasted a total of 10 min) but here is how

she started the conversation.

 

“Kids come here, Mom and Dad are getting a divorce. Dad don’t want to but Mom Does.”

 

My kids know who stands where.

 

I have been taking care of myself. Eating, working out, keeping myself busy.

I have to tell you all though - I feel like I am just masking my happiness.

I think of my wife and this situation all the time. I think of all the goodness we had in our marriage - that is why I am always thinking about her and my family. There was so much goodness and good times in our marriage.

 

She only brings up negative memories, I know better and she knows better,

everyone we know - knows better.

 

I’m just hanging in there. I’m trying to stand firm with hope.

I don’t really know what else to do.

 

Thanks everyone,

Speed

[speed racer]

Nick,

Is there anyway I could search your story - and also search your steps to getting back together?

If you'll like to leave it in the past, I completely understand.

 

Good luck to you and your family with everything.

Speed

[Janb]

Hi everyone,

 

She only brings up negative memories, I know better and she knows better,

everyone we know - knows better.

 

 

Unfortunately, its what she thinks that counts for her. She will make the "right" decisions for her based on her take away from your marriage. Have you tried counselling?

[lostandhurt]

speed,

 

As far as Nick's story just click on his name, go to "view profile" and you will see everything he has replied to or posted. If you open it in a new tab you can keep going back as you read each post.

 

What you are doing is exactly what you need to be doing. In time you will find that you are no longer faking it till you make it and there will be no masking of your happiness. None of us has asked you to be happy, in fact we all know to well how much this sucks and hurts but we also know it is not the end of your life and you will be happy once again.

 

The re-writing of your marriage is a defense mechanism to justify her actions. Could you imagine your ex telling you and anyone that will listen. "Oh Speed Racer is the best husband ever, our lives have been perfect and I couldn't be happier but I am leaving Speed for some other guy and getting divorced." No she cannot say that so she has to keep searching through the years for any tid bit of something bad that happened to remind herself that what she did was okay and to justify and put the blame on you for her actions. It is classic and happens all the time. Just don't give it any thought and see right through it as it is all BS for her own sake.

 

Keep doing what you are doing but turn it up a notch or two. Your life is not over and it sounds like you have put it on hold waiting for her to snap out of this. The best way to get through this is to live your life as if she died. Mourn her loss, regroup and then get your butt moving again.

 

If there is any chance that she will change her mind and come back it will be because your life is full of happiness and excitement, not because it is full of sadness and despair. Giving up hope is not easy but it needs to be done for your own sake.

 

 

Lost

[speed racer]

Thanks your Jan and Lost.

 

Hurt: Yes we went to MC but both partners must really want it to work. I believe my wife went so she could tell everyone "we tried marriage counseling."

She went, but wasn't there. She only went with me once a week (about 5 times total) the week before Christmas was the last session she would go to.

 

Thanks for the info about everything. I do a lot of activities and do not just walk around in dispair. Inside it hurts, but you wouldn't know it by seeing me in public.

If there is no contact - how will she ever get the chance to see me in a different light. If we have no contact, how will she know my life is full of happiness and excitement?

I mean I was always happy before, and as far as excitement, I don't really get it - I've never jumped out of planes, but we did a lot of activities together - we would go to the lake,

boating - vacations - I don't know what else we could have done to make it more exciting - other than totally changing who we were.

 

There are only so many hours in the day, our schedules were filled but we still had time together.

I'm going to keep on coarse with what I'm doing. I've been doing NC now for 2.5 months, and still haven't seen any results at all.

I figured that she would at least text me more about small talk about the kids, but nothing.

 

Thanks everyone,

Speed

[lostandhurt]

Speed,

It will get back to her in time how your life is going so don't worry about that. You really need to do these things for yourself and your kids and not as a way of getting her back. If she does ever contact you play it cool like you could care less either way.

 

There is one thing you need to remember. It doesn't matter what kind of life you had with her because once they decide to stray they always find reasons for it. This wasn't your fault, it was her fault in no uncertain terms.

 

Stay on the high road, be who you are, have friends over like always and be sure to accept invites and be around people that are good for your soul.

 

One day you will accept that waiting is not good for you and you will start noticing women and begin thinking what it would be like to date.

 

You are doing fine so hang in there and keep posting when you need to.

 

Lost

[Jeffbobo]

Speed,

It will get back to her in time how your life is going so don't worry about that. You really need to do these things for yourself and your kids and not as a way of getting her back. If she does ever contact you play it cool like you could care less either way.

 

There is one thing you need to remember. It doesn't matter what kind of life you had with her because once they decide to stray they always find reasons for it. This wasn't your fault, it was her fault in no uncertain terms.

 

Stay on the high road, be who you are, have friends over like always and be sure to accept invites and be around people that are good for your soul.

 

One day you will accept that waiting is not good for you and you will start noticing women and begin thinking what it would be like to date.

 

You are doing fine so hang in there and keep posting when you need to.

 

Lost

 

I know I've said this before but I'll say it again because what lost is saying is so spot on... Read this post carefully 10 times so that it sinks in. Then come back next week and read it again 10 times.

 

There will come a day when you will look back and think, "Why did I waste all that time and energy wanting her back?" Time is precious. This is a process you have to go through. I fully understand that. There will also come a day for true reflection to effectively sort things out and look at things objectively. You may even look back one day and think what a true blessing this all was.

[nick66]

Speed,

 

Everything in this thread that has been written is from people that have been through your situation. Of course there are variables, but for the most part, this thread is for wives that left their husbands. The advise given is proven and solid, however, I believe that every person has to do what's right for them.

 

It's your life, and only you can decide how to live it. My wife regretted her decision immediately after moving out. We still did things together however, and we only lived about two minutes apart.

 

We got back together six months after her moving out, and things progressed slowly for me. She agreed to and took a polygraph, and passed it. Every questions I had were answered. Now, are they 100% reliable? No, but they are pretty accurate for detecting deception. The counselling was her idea, and she demanded that we do it. It was the best thing we've ever done. She realized that her decisions were her fault, not mine.

 

It took me months to tell her I loved her again, but she said it everyday and never expected me to say it unless I meant it. The wife I have now is not only the person I fell in love with 18 years ago, but she's better in every way. She even tells me know she has never been more in love with me than she is right now.

 

As others have mentioned, you need to take care of yourself first. I don't even know how your wife treats you now. The odds are she isn't coming back, so again, do what you're doing. There's nothing wrong with having hope, as long as it isn't controlling your everyday life. I know it's hard, especially with kids involved. A lot of husbands hate their ex-wives, and I can understand it, but I never hated her. I hated what she did, but never her.

 

The decisions you make are yours, and you have to live with them. You do what you feel you need to do Speed.

[lostandhurt]

Hi Nick,

 

I am sure I can speak for all of us when I say I am thrilled your family is doing so well and things are better than before. I am genuinely happy for both of you.

 

Personally I am doing well. Life is good and things roll right along. I volunteer with 2 organizations that help disabled persons engage in sports of all types and it takes up a great deal of my time but it is extremely good for my soul.

My son is 16 now and learning to drive and our relationship continues to become closer and closer as he matures into adulthood.

 

Although I haven't dated in over 2 1/2 years my personal life is full of loving friends and family and I am very happy and smile more now than I can remember. All in all my life is pretty darn good.

 

Interactions with the ex are few and very far between which is good for me. Child support ends in about a year and a half and then there will be no real reason to ever have any contact with her which is okay with me. She is still somewhat toxic and blames me for her lot in life and the lack of closeness to our son. It is sad that she let so many opportunities pass by without getting closer to him...

 

I am seriously considering dating again but just haven't pulled the trigger on it for some reason. Not sure why but it could be that I don't want to take a chance on screwing up what I have going right now

 

Lost

[nick66]

Lost,

 

I'm happy that everything is going well for both you and your son. I understand the not dating. It's funny, when I was going through everything, I really had no feelings towards other women. I just had no interest in them. I think when it comes to women, don't look, it will happen when it happens. You sound like you're doing well with your family and friends, and it's great that you have all of them in your life.

 

It sounds like your ex is someone your better off not having in your life. She still sounds toxic, and you don't need that. Your son knows what happened, who was at fault, and knows who has been there for him. You sound like a great Dad, and I know you're a great person as well.

 

Just keep doing what your doing and that day is coming when a fantastic women is going to unexpectedly enter your life.

 

Take care my friend!

[Myrivera]

Hi everybody. I know the last post was August last year but just wondering if there are any lurkers still around. I am going through a separation right now overseas in the U.K. and having a hard time dealing. Feb 3 was ILYBINILWY and I want a Divorce day. I didn't beg because this was the second time it came up. I did cry copiously in front of my wife. Last time was last Feb (2016). This time is for real I guess.

 

I moved out of the house voluntarily a week later with one of my wife's coworkers who feels bad this is happening to us. I wanted to do the right thing and I saw how uncomfortable my wife was around me. She would take longer and longer to come home from work. I'm a veteran and my wife is still active duty. I was a dependapotamus so there's no avoiding responsibility for that. I admit to that.

 

I stayed home and kept the house clean, cooked breakfast and dinner, and minded our dogs. Then the criticisms came. The cleanliness wasn't to her standard, the food was the same thing all the time and either over or under salted or too spicy or I wasn't thinking about her or keeping her tastes in mind when I cooked. I started getting treated like an inept adult/child. Have I fed the dogs? How many times? Did we go for walks? How many times? Did I eat that day and how many times? I don't know how it happened but I became conflict avoidant. I just wanted to keep the peace.

 

Then it was about school. I just started using my GI Bill in Jan of this year and have been getting disability since June of last year so I have income. My wife told me that I didn't step up or man up to be a partner and help her with bills so that's why she's divorcing me along with me avoiding "discussions" (arguments because discussions in my mind means not yelling and cussing out your partner or telling them to shut the f up and walking out of the room without giving them a chance to rebut).

 

At the beginning of last year after we went through MC (April) she told me to not worry about a job just yet and just focus on what I wanted my future career to be. She told me to take my time and I guess a year was too much. I was told by my therapist that it usually takes about 2 years for former active duty to fully adjust to civilian life so I don't know if that's a general guideline or just another rationalized excuse from me. I'm not sure anymore. I remember being confident about what I wanted and sticking to my guns but I've been so indecisive since sometime in August of last year. I started relying on trying to keep my wife happy and was scared of making decisions for fear of upsetting her. There's a lot more story but I don't want you guys to read a wall of text. I'll continue it in another post.

 

So for now: I'm unemployed (well I actually found a part time "job" at a restaurant but mostly they just feed me and get me drunk on weekends and throw me the odd bit of gas money), not in classes anymore (my wife asked me to cancel the rest of the semester because she wanted me out of here) so I have to pay back what the VA gave me and bouncing from place to place using a car that sometimes doesn't start. I'm far from home and the few friends I have are my wife's coworkers and I've been chastised by my wife to stop crying to her coworkers and friends because she would still like to have friends when I'm gone. My only solace is the restaurant owner who has basically adopted me and has given me a different outlook on the crap fest I've been going through.

 

You guys are so incredibly supportive and I love the community in this thread. Thank you.

[lostandhurt]

Welcome to ENA,

 

First off having a spouse that is fed up and has basically given up trying is extremely hard to recover from. Not impossible but pretty darn hard.

 

You shouldn't have moved out but that cannot be undone now.

 

Right now the best advice I can get you started with is to get your butt moving! Find a real job, any job you can land that has a regular paycheck. While you are looking you need a total attitude change. You need to do what is called a total 180. That means everything you do from now on is opposite of what you were, or in this case not doing while married. Get cleaned up, no more drinking, talk to friends but don't whine about your situation talk to them about what you are planning and how hard you are working to be the man you should have been all these years. Most importantly you need to actually do it!!! Don't just talk about it.

 

If you have no skills to get a decent job get what you can and start thinking about what you want to do with your life. Basically plan for the worst and hope for the best. This isn't so much about saving your marriage, it is about saving you and while that is going on she may just notice and soften her stance some. But don't go around trying to show her or prove to her that you are changed. She has to see it on her own. No more trying to make her happy, no more crying to her, no more crying to her friends for sympathy and no more wallowing in self pity. Turn your life around for you and things will look much better each day.

 

As far as divorce goes the best thing is time. Don't stall but don't help it along either. The longer things are drawn out the better chance you have of changing and her noticing. That means don't bring up the divorce and work hard on yourself.

 

Keep posting and we will try and help you the best we can. Where is your family? In the states?

 

Lost

[Myrivera]

My family is in IL. I just spent the afternoon with her today. She had a really crappy trip to Switzerland and felt like a 3rd wheel the entire time. I controlled my emotions and never brought up the pending separation and just let her vent. She got really sick and her 2 "friends" were really into themselves individually and were kind of callous in the way they treated her when she had a fever of 104. They left her hanging and didn't bring her food when she asked politely. She said she spent her delirium just looking at my photo on her phone wishing I was there with her because she knew I would be right beside her taking care of her.

 

She told me she missed me and she loves me but isn't in love with me. She doesn't want me to go but she doesn't want me to stay. She wants me to find my own path to happiness and she wants the same for herself. I just listened and tried to empathize. It wasn't about me.

 

We were watching Netflix and she was drifting in and out of sleep. She suddenly sat up and teared up and asked what I was doing there? I said I liked being around her and I wanted to take care of her if she needed me. I asked if I made her feel uncomfortable and should I go? She said no it was the complete opposite, that I felt like home.

 

Then she said, "I'm not gonna sleep with you". I laughed and said that was the furthest from my intention. I was there because I love her and care about her and we left it at that. Am I doing ok? I still have plans with new friends I made tomorrow that I intend to keep. I'm starting to feel like myself again. Easygoing and easy to relate to people. I have a job that doesn't pay much but is healing me because I'm getting my self-assuredness back. I try to bring positivity in my every day life nowadays regardless of whether it will impact her decision or not.

 

I've been doing the 180. And it helps keep me focused in my limited interactions with my wife. Thank you guys for the suggestions. I am truly humbled that you reach out to strangers in need.

[lostandhurt]

You handled that pretty well.

 

I would caution you about telling her you love her and will be there for her. She needs to start feeling that you will not be around for her if she continues down the path she has chosen. It would be okay if you told her "We have been together a long time, of course I would make sure you were okay before I left" Be a little more aloof but not a jerk.

 

Keep your distance physically and don't try and cuddle or stroke her hair, let her make those moves towards you.

 

You did really well on her comments and actions. Can you see how the way you acted and responded drew her closer to you? Keep working on yourself and be sure to always be clean shaven, smell good and dress nice. This isn't all for her it is for your self respect, attitude and it gives you a good positive feeling. If she ever asks why you are always so nicely dressed and smell good simply tell her "Part of being successful in life is feeling and looking the part and besides I like the attention I get when I look good" and then drop it. Never hint that it is for her, only for you.

 

Keep working on yourself and work on a plan to get your life straight. If you are lucky her life will be full of sucky days like she just had and you will not be there for her. By the way if she ever calls and wants to talk or asks you to come over tell her you are busy at the moment but can come by in an hour or so. If she asks what is so important just be vague and tell her you are working on some personal stuff and will try and get by (or call back) when you can. This will leave her wondering what you are up to. The more she is thinking about you in a non lazy, unmotivated way the better it is for you. Basically you need to be always busy. You are going for a walk, reading a great book, meeting friends, going to a show......get the idea?

 

Keep going on the 180 and posting

 

Lost

[Myrivera]

Thanks. I'm kind of treating every interaction as an experiment. Seeing what works and doesn't work. A few months ago, I would be appalled at the manipulation-like mentality of this game. But my marriage is important to me and so I'll treat it like a game I intend to win. I worked today and afterwards, I dropped by the house to say hello to my little doggies and bring some food from the restaurant to my wife. I know, I know, I'm making myself too available. I wasn't planning on being there when she got home but I've had a very busy day today (gym, groceries, gym, work, intense therapy, work, then dogs). I passed out on the couch and woke up when she was pulling up. I told her that I left her food and walked the dogs and she surprised me by giving me a tight hug. I tried not to let it show. She said she had a great day at work and her hair appointment this afternoon was helping her feel beautiful. She invited me in and we sat and talked while she ate. Well, rather she talked about her day and I listened intently and gave input when asked.

 

We went out back to have a cig and she started staring at the stars. She pointed one out as a planet and we had a playful banter on why I thought it was a star. After a couple of minutes, I don't know why but I just took her in hand and just started dancing. Her mood was infectious and I was feeling good about my productive day. Back inside and she fed the dogs and we sat and talked some more. She started to ask if I thought the dogs loved her. I said of course, why? She was evasive but I pushed. I said "throughout the years we've been together, you've asked me that continuously about the dogs, do you feel like you don't deserve love?" She said "maybe" really quietly. I was bewildered and said there are many who love her. I was screaming in my head "like me!!!". She tried to change the subject but I kept at it. She said "of course I want to be loved, I want someone to love me." I let it go at that because I can see that she's looking with fear on her future without me and the uncertainty of finding a new person (hi I'm chopped liver) and she still hasn't truly felt it because I'm still around and too available.

 

She did comment that she's really glad to see I've been going to the gym and taking care of myself, but confessed that she doesn't trust the changes. She thinks I'm faking it to try and influence her. I didn't dignify her with an answer because I felt like she's trying to bait me again into an argument. I probably would have a couple of weeks ago, but I just let it go. I am not a child. I am a man and can take care of myself. She did say that I keep causing her to be defensive. Throughout all this (3 hours) she didn't ask me to leave. Actually asked me to stay awhile and keep her company because she saw how tired I was and wanted to make sure I didn't attempt to drive back to my roommate's place 30 mins away. I kept waiting for her to ask me to leave but she never did. She kept commenting on how tired she was but never outright said "you should get going". A month ago, I would have left out of respect for her but this time, I decided I was fine where I was. She fell asleep on the couch while we were watching YouTube and that's when I slid her legs out from me and I tucked her in and left.

 

So my wife is fully convinced that I'm not the man for her because she's not in love with me. But at the same time, she's lonely and she wants to be with someone. But she can't, not because of some moral compass (if I was just a boyfriend or fiancé, all bets would be off) but because she would be in really big trouble and her career would be over. The military does not look kindly on adultery no matter the justification. So I decided that though my wife misses me at times and cares about me, I'm just hurting myself by being around to listen to her pine for her future lover even if he's just a concept at the moment. So I will be back to low contact/no contact and just focus on my life and the new friendships I've started to cultivate.

 

Interesting tidbit; she's now asking me to file for the divorce myself when I get back to IL. She still has not told me if she had filed for the ERD (early release of dependent) which will effectively kick me and my belongings out of the country on the AF's dime. She said she's trusting me to do it. I did not respond. I just let her say her piece. To me this smacks of someone placing responsibility on another person to avoid the guilt it would bring. Am I correct in that assessment? Anyway, I'm going to be logging off for now, thank you for the support and motivation!

[sky09]

Myrivera, do it while she's nice - re: file for it yourself. It will look better that way, anyway. I'm going to be blunt now: do not be her tampon. You cannot force somebody to be with you. The more attention you give her now, the less she wants you. I was given the same line about 3 years ago and also thought there was nobody there. Believe me, in a high percentage of cases, there is somebody out there. It doesn't have to be someone she's already with, but simply someone that could be showing her attention/affection, etc. She just needed a little taste, and now she's hooked looking for that hit. Leave. Life is short and does not need to be wasted on somebody that doesn't want to be with you.

[Myrivera]

Well I'm sure there isn't anybody right now because trust me, the military is a fishbowl. Even if you think you can trust your friends and coworkers, it just takes a little whisper from lips loosened by drink and your career's down the tubes.

 

My wife knows what's out there for her if she gets kicked out. Namely, supporting a mother and sister living just above the poverty line. Plus a dishonorable discharge will null her GI bill. That's why she was so gung ho about me leaving. Being legally separated allows her to date even if it's still frowned upon by the military.

 

Our separation right now was by my own volition. There is no paperwork to protect her and she knows that. Our neighbors know we are still legally married. It would look terrible if I suddenly filed for divorce following gossip about indiscretions. She's not used to dealing with her loneliness without sex as an outlet or the ability to drive to a close by beach to meditate. Again, with her being wishy-washy about her feelings (I love you, but not in love with you. I want you to stay but I want you to leave. I want you to move back in, I don't want you around.) but still steadfast in her decision (this divorce has to happen because I'll never be happy with you because I'm not attracted to you).

 

I've been inundated with people on both sides of the fence, though mostly people just tell me to leave. It's not worth fighting for a marriage with someone who mistreats me and doesn't appreciate me. I have maybe one or two skeptics who tell me to be cautious but admire that I'm fighting for my marriage. So in the spirit of the 180, I'm forging a life of my own separate from my wife. The limited interactions we have is when I have to be the most cautious with my words (now sparse rather than my usual verbal diarrhea) and actions (no more intense smothering curiosity but more detached and focused on personal boundaries).

 

Believe me, it would be easier to quit now and just start over but that is a pattern I've been repeating my entire life and I'm tired of telling myself I'm not good enough. That I'm inadequate. That I am unloveable. So I'm determined to see this through. Thank you for the advice though. I'll have to use some of that to temper my next couple of moves.

[lostandhurt]

So you see signs that her actions and body language do not match her words. This means your vision on all this is clearing and you are now able to see a LITTLE clearer than you did when she dropped the bomb on you.

 

I cringed when I read that you brought her food and waited for her and then told her all the things you did while there. I know she responded in a way that seemed positive but you have to remember that it took her a long time to get so fed up that she decided she wasn't in love with you any longer and it will take a long time to reverse that thinking. Be patient and follow my advice please. After all in just a short amount of time she has softened right?

 

I told you earlier she isn't going to trust the changes in you so remember that and keep these things to yourself. Let her discover them on her own so they will be real to her. Next no more bringing her food. I think going by to walk the dogs is a great idea for you and the dogs but make sure you are out of there before she comes home. You can leave a simple note that you were there and walked the dogs and that is it. While there you may want to do some simple chore but nothing extravagant. Take the trash out, pick up dog poop, brush the dogs, wash the dishes in the sink or something simple but don't tell her you did it.

 

To those that say leave now I would say what does he have to loose by trying? Right now you are getting your life right (which you need to do anyways) so why not stick around and see if it saves your marriage. You really have zero to loose.

 

As far as the divorce goes and her asking you to do the dirty work. If she brings it up again you need to phrase it very carefully but tell her that you do not want OUR marriage to end so if she is so convinced there are absolutely no feelings for you any longer that she needs to be the one to file. It is not easier to quit, in fact a divorce is not the easy way out.

 

Continue on the 180, get yourself a good job, keep working out and keep your distance. One day she is going to have a crappy day and want to reach out to you. Be ready, be confident and know that you will be okay no matter what happens.

 

Lost

[Myrivera]

I really appreciate your advice lost. I've been struggling to figure out the correct course of action for me. She asked me to stay over last night because I apparently have been annoying my roommate and his girlfriend with my incessant preoccupation with my relationship woes. I've been finding other people to crash with to help minimize my presence at each place. The only ones who seem to have no problem with my constant dark clouds are my boss and her adopted daughter. They're Filipinos like me and they are constantly checking on me and trying to get me to hang out with them and giving me food and a sounding board.

 

I'm starting to feel myself pull away more and more. The feelings aren't as intense day by day and I don't know if I like what that might mean. I by no means am not noticing other women nor am I interested in any besides my wife. Still, I feel a little disturbed that I'm more accepting day by day of a future without my wife. We had lunch today and I tried to stay off the topic of my leaving. Then Phil Collins' "Against All Odds (Take a look at me now)" started playing and we sat and listened and she started crying. Thanks Phil. I asked what was wrong? She said she thinks it's better I go sooner rather than later because it's the healthy thing to do for the both of us. But she also doesn't want me to leave because she'll miss me. Plus I'll be around to watch over the dogs in case she gets deployed or when she goes traveling around Europe (which she plans on doing a lot of this year). I felt incredibly bad about the prospect of her traveling without me and she noticed. 5 years of constant road trips and seeing so many new places and sharing the experience, is now about to come to an end. I said she seems to find the right words to say that will hurt me the most and she replied that she knows that consistency is the only thing that'll work with me. She says she knows what she says hurts but she has to do it to kill any hope I have. That she talks to me about what she wants in her future relationship and the type of guy she's looking for because I'm her best friend and it drives home the fact that this divorce is going to happen no matter what.

 

She's delaying filing the early release of dependent paperwork because she wants to know my plans. I'm starting to build a life here and I've been making a lot of connections. Some are possible work related connections (prospective employment) while others are more social (trips around Europe and other fun activities). She said that's all she ever asked of me since last year. To foster a life for myself, drop roots, make friends. The fact I'm doing it now is "too little too late" in her mind. She's not attracted to me and she'd been starved from sex for so long (I never pushed her because of her background but I guess I've been too neglectful, not that I had never signaled to her that I was interested, I often did) that all she can think about is sex but not with me. Can't act on it because she'll get in trouble (her words).

 

She said she's worried that if I go home, I'll fall back into bad habits and just stay with my mom and brother and isolate myself. Prevent myself from truly realizing my potential. So she wants to know if I want to stay and she'll help me find a place and really start a new life here. I was actually insulted. Insulted that it's yet another thinly veiled assault on my character. That I'm a child that needs someone to hold my hand to help me become an adult. I'm questioning now if maybe everyone who's ever viewed me as someone who doesn't have their act together is right. That people I've connected with just pity me while judging me as a helpless idiot. My sister said that I'm just a genuinely nice person that is open with my feelings to the point that people can't help but empathize with me. That it's my genuine nature that draws people in. I guess it's a stark difference between my wife and I. I'm softhearted and can easily empathize with people. With their joys and sorrows. My wife seems to think that everyone has an agenda and is out to screw her over if she lets them, so she keeps her walls up, stays private, doesn't make connections easily.

 

So these next two weeks, I have to really think hard about what it is I really want to do with my life. I'm 33 and she's 26. We have no children and I don't really have anything keeping me here. The UK has never really felt like home to me. My home is wherever my wife is and she told me today with tears in her eyes that she can't be my home anymore. So in the face of all of this, my resolve to stay and fight for our marriage weakens every day. I have no idea yet what I ultimately want to do. Stay or go. I know that going back stateside will help me fully utilize my GI bill. I can build a new life and meet new people. But at my core, I know that I want to start a family, to pass on the lessons my grandfather taught me on what it is to be a decent person and a gentleman and the lessons I've learned in my life so far to my children, to share my life with a partner that will cherish me and is fully committed to a life of growing while growing older. I want that so much with my wife. But I know I can't force her to see that. So I just feel stuck. For now at least.

[Myrivera]

Just got a text from my wife that she set the date of my leaving for June 1st. I called her and in panic, said I could leave earlier. This started an argument where she says that whatever she says doesn't seem to translate well with me and that she just can't understand what I'm trying to tell her. That this is the problem with us. She reiterated that she just wants me to go away. She told me 3 or 4 times that I "need to go figure my s*** out" that that's the problem with me. That she's giving me 2 weeks to get my s*** together. She offered to drive me to the airport because that'll give her a day off work. Made me feel like a friggin afterthought. That I should stop trying to read too much into what she tells me. I kind of just want to ghost with no warning. So confused and hurt.