Relationship With X

[John Bendix]

To all those who have followed this thread, thank you and I hope it has helped.

 

My saga continues without me being in contact with my X. My children still suffer with her irrational and destructive ways. they are all adults but miss the compassion of a mother. when I left Tx, my middle son moved in with her for economic reasons. She has used him as she has needed him. she recently threw him out for no apparent reason. "I want my house back", is all she could say. He left but still works with her. He called me last night crying that his co-workers told him that his mother was dishing him to all of them. When he left she called him to ask why he left. She started crying and yelling at him that her kids do not want to see her, and never came to see her after she left our house and more of being the victim non-sense. My other too sons are really upset. They have tried to over look her rants of irrationality, selfishness and lack of compassion but I think they have reached their limit.

 

The surreal nature of her actions continues-----

[lostandhurt]

John,

It is unfortunate that her spiral continues but it is time to accept that this isn't a choice for her, I believe she has mental health issues that are driving these actions. You and your boys may very well have been the calming force in her life and now that she has pushed all that away she has nothing to look to for normalcy. Of course I am no expert but I have learned a lot here and from you and others and there seems to be a component in all the WAS behavior. It could be pure selfishness or something much deeper or a combination of the two. Some people make extremely selfish choices and then realize they made a mistake but cannot bring themselves to admit it to anyone so they stay on the fringes. To what extant no one can never know unless help is sought.

 

When do you let go is the question. I myself had to disown my own birth mother because of drinking and irrational behavior that was damaging the rest of the family. If they will not accept help what is gained by staying close to them? We both know someone that when he finally packed up and left the country his WAS took a big step towards repairing the damage done and by all accounts it is a happy ending.

 

When a WAS walks we try and fix it, we try and stay cordial but if that is not possible isn't it best to accept they way things are, not the way we want them to be and simply walk away ourselves? After all isn't our life and our children's valuable too? My son struggles with his relationship with his mother all the time and I keep encouraging him to take the high road and to go the extra step and accept that this is the way she is. Unfortunately the way she is continues to fuel the discord. He will be driving soon enough and with it comes the freedom to choose more and more. In the end he may have to choose to walk away from his own mother so he can live his life without all the dysfunction. I hope not but I will not force him to do anything that damages him.

 

The past is best left where it lays but what to do when it keeps rearing its ugly head? That is the question...

 

I hope your life in the sunshine state is going well and your boys are prospering. You are not defined by what happened John, just wiser.

 

Lost

[John Bendix]

Lost,

 

Thank you for your insight my old friend. I feel for my boys. I have nothing to live for but three to die for.

[lostandhurt]

John,

We spend or lives teaching our children about the dangers in life and protecting them from those dangers. There are times when danger comes in the form of a loved one or friend and we must step between them to shield them so they can live their lives unencumbered from it.

I know you would run into a burning building to rescue your sons and this is no different.

 

I have taken a new approach to helping my son deal with his mothers "episodes". Now we both just ride them out and wait for the storm to pass and then move on with our lives. There is no fixing anything or working anything out any longer, it is just dealing with an unpleasant situation we are currently tied to. My son will have his freedom one day soon and can then choose how often he wants to be around his mother. Interestingly enough I teach him often about the ego to the point he is sick of hearing it but it has sunk in whether he wants to admit it or not.

 

Your children may miss the compassion of a mother but you can fill in and do double duty like you have in the past. The old saying "Is the juice worth the squeeze" comes to mind to me for your sons. Is the small amount of good they get from staying in contact worth all the dysfunction. Only they can answer that and if they choose to walk away it is not a selfish act to distance themselves from the dysfunction, it is self preservation.

 

From what you described John your middle son is in a building filling with smoke and you need to rush in before it bursts into flames.

 

Lost

[beautflstruggl]

I registered to write specifically on this very forum, as I was amazed at how I am in such similar company. I’ve read through most of this thread and it is beautiful and very therapeutic believe it or not to know that there is affirmation that people like my wife are truly conflicted, and it’s not just my imagination. Currently in the midst of a WAS situation which i am incredibly relating to most of your posts in this board. here's my story.

 

I'm 31 years old and I have been in a relationship with my wife for 7 years. We have been married for a total of 10 months (!). No kids, no house, no real assets. I love my wife with everything i have, I serve her any chance I get and I shower her with as much blessing I can imagine. I grew up in a family of 6, my parents were happily married.

 

Wife just turned 30, she came from a dysfunctional family, and never knew her father for any extended period of time. She was molested and was never given any closure or emotional support from family when she revealed it to them (they denied it, and refused to accept the harsh reality of that event..what terrible people). Without a father she was forced to help her mom raise her other siblings so she was forced to skip her childhood (she barely remembers any memories of her childhood, it was weird). She grew up poor, but driven, has an astounding work ethic. She is very insecure and has very low self esteem. She needs constant reassurance from me on her beauty and her performance in life. She is physically beautiful, so I wonder frequently why she doesn’t believe it when she looks in the mirror. (I figure a description of her upbringing can bring out some ideas on the cause of her behavior, which I’m sure is rooted from all this)

 

During our brief married life, of course we would bicker about money, having children, and my some-what controlling nature (I’m an engineer, go figure). A switch suddenly flipped on our 6th month (01/2015). She told me she was not in love with me anymore and wanted a divorce. I proceeded for the next 4 months to fix it. I turned up my love game a notch and served her and showed her love from the deepest parts of my heart. She did practically nothing around the house, because I committed to reduce the stress in her life to get back down to earth. I pulled out all the tricks in the bag in an attempt to help her regain that 'love' that she lost. She tried to get back in the game, kindof, but it was probably a show... more to help appease my hurt. Nothing changed on her part.

 

She said I am the perfect husband and i have done absolutely nothing but give her love that any woman would want, and it's her fault, she is just done emotionally, not in love with me anymore, she lost the loving feeling, and she doesn't look at me the same. She still loves me as a friend and wants me to move on to find someone who will happily accept the love I give, because she doesn't want it. To me, that was logically unacceptable, love is more than just a feeling, you can't base such a critical decision especially on a marriage on what your heart feels at the time.

 

After 4 months of struggle, she eventually brought pro-say divorce papers, which in my bout of sadness and final act of love to release her i considered signing, but my strong belief in fighting for vows to this marriage would not allow me to contribute or support an amicable divorce. So I didn’t sign. If we were to divorce, she would have to cause all this herself, I will have no part in it. In the mean time, I’ve been praying.

 

I went to a new therapist to give it one last shot, to at least get some closure, (she agreed to attend to tell her side of the story), and after hearing both stories, therapist says right now she is just incapable of marriage and is not willing to accept marital responsibilities. He says it is not that she doesn’t like me, she doesn’t like what I represent (husband, responsibilities, accountability, make decisions together). He says he doesn’t see her changing her feelings. He claims she also shows many red flags of infidelity, but she outwardly says there is no one (she went ahead and said she couldn’t do something like that to me as long as we were married), and I, knowing her all this time, she absolutely hates the concept of cheating, so I would be shocked if I found out she was cheating.

 

Since we were separated a month ago, she has proceeded to remove absolutely everything in her life connected to our relationship from our place. She took everything she owns, pictures, blankets, toiletries, even the pictures in our fridge. She removed herself from all our joint accounts, got a new phone with new phone number. As if it was her attempt to cut me off so she can move on.

 

I guess from the boards, my situation is almost exactly the same to just about everyone else, except for the following:

1. We are young, our marriage is only 6 months old, before things started to go off the reservation. This is a 7 year relationship, but a 6 month marriage.

2. She blames me for absolutely nothing. She goes as far to say that she credits me for everything good that has happened and learned in her life. She wants me in her life, because I am her best friend, but just not as a lover. Her only reason is she is not in love with me anymore and wants out to pursue what she wants to pursue as a single woman such as starting a business finally getting her degree (as if she couldn’t do all that with me around). The point is she doesn’t want accountability for the decisions she is making.

3. She is absolutely calm, emotional on occasion, but pretty confident about her decisions and seems to be at peace with herself. She doesn’t contact me often, but when she does its to request something menial like recipes of food I used to make her, etc. Our conversations have been cordial, but to me tear my heart apart inside. She seems to be ok though, and even goes to say how free she feels.

 

I’m sorry if I’ve turned this into a novel, I should have shortened it, because I’m sure it’s a repeat of every post since this thread started. But I figured I’d try to give as much critical detail as I can. I have much to say, but this should be sufficient to digest. Any feedback would be helpful. Thank you.

[Jeffbobo]

Hey beautflstruggl,

I'm an engineer as well. Your wife's background and upbringing sounds like my ex-wife's background to a T.

 

As you've come to understand, pouring on the affection, courting her and doing the things you've done to win her back are pointless. She has put up her wall and blocked you emotionally. At this point, you must do the same. Do not try to be her friend either. Pointless and fruitless. You must put up your wall at this point as well. Easier said then done. You and your kids come first. That is what matters. Be cordial and friendly as if she's just another person off the street with as little contact as possible. These are the things that I did and I was married to her for 20 years (together for 23 since high school). These are the things I used to detach from her. Look forward, with your kids and without her, don't look back. Assume you do not know her.

 

Other than that, read this thread and continue to post. There are some really great people here that have gone through what you are beginning to go through.

[lostandhurt]

Welcome to ENA

 

I know all to well how you are feeling right now and the hopes you have of fixing this so your life will return to normal. I wish I could tell you some magic spell that could undo this or fix it but the reality is that she has (for whatever reason good or bad) decided to end the marriage. Many times the reasons seem silly or even dysfunctional to us and yes many times they are just that but to them they are good enough.

 

You may have seen a selfish side of her you hadn't seen before or strange behavior you cannot understand. She may have taken on new personality traits and habits. These are all part of the coping mechanism. If you put yourself in her shoes and dropped this bomb on her how would you feel? I would feel terrible and could hardly stand to see the person I care so deeply for hurting over what I had decided. In an attempt to make what they have done or decided okay they build a case in their heads and then construct a wall as Jeff has said to keep you and anyone else out that might challenge their reasoning. This is why "good time friends" seem to come into their lives, friends that support what they are doing no matter what.

In the end it matters little why she has chosen this path as once the WAS starts down it they rarely look back.

 

Where does that leave you? You have found out you cannot love them back into your arms or perform acts of service, buy gifts or trick them into staying for long. Your best bet at this point is to fully accept that your marriage and any kind of relationship is over between the two of you. This is very important for your well being. You cannot be friends and since you have no children that means not even acquaintances. For you to heal and grow you must remove her from your life, grow and learn and improve who you are mentally, physically and socially. She wants out so she is all the way out, no fallback guy, no back up plan and no savoir when her dreams of freedom begin to implode.

This does 2 things" 1. It gives you the gift of not letting hope hinder your healing. 2. It makes her see the reality of her choice much faster.

 

Being her friend or her go to guy will not bring her back so stop that right now! This is all about your healing and acceptance right now.

 

It sounds like she has some demons in her closet that she has never confronted and you are a causality of her past. If she is ever to be in a healthy relationship she needs to want and seek help to overcome what happened in her family. She may have believed marrying you would quash all those feelings and let her be truly happy but when that didn't happen she had no choice but to try something else...

 

Can you go total No Contact on her?

 

Lost

[John Bendix]

Welcome to this thread.

 

You are right. The familiarity of the stories here are eerie. My X also came from a emotionally dysfunctional family. Love was only given in material items. I have longed suspected that she was molested as a teen. Depression and alcohol problems were rampant.

 

The part of your story, "therapist says right now she is just incapable of marriage and is not willing to accept marital responsibilities. He says it is not that she doesn’t like me, she doesn’t like what I represent (husband, responsibilities, accountability, make decisions together).", hits home. the raising of children is added in my case.

 

I would take the advice that Lost has given you and run with it. He knows of what he speaks. please let us know how things are going with you. We have been through very similar situations.

[sky09]

It sounds like she has some demons in her closet that she has never confronted and you are a causality of her past. If she is ever to be in a healthy relationship she needs to want and seek help to overcome what happened in her family. She may have believed marrying you would quash all those feelings and let her be truly happy but when that didn't happen she had no choice but to try something else...

 

This. "You" can't fix her or anyone else. You are only responsible for yourself. Do not become her doormat, as she's fired you as her husband. Appeasement won't work. Get an attorney (or at least a consultation), as you never know which way things can go.

Do not drag this out either, and try to get out as soon as you can. There is a bunch of good literature out there that could prove helpful during this time. Try "Love must be tough" and "Boundaries in Marriage" for starters.

Do not be surprised if you find out there's somebody else in the picture, or soon will be. Usually, when women drop the "not in love" line, they are either actively involved in an affair or are/will be looking for somebody to be "in love" with. I was fed that line, so speaking from experience here...

[Tind]

I'm trying to get back to where I was

[nick66]

Hello all, thought I'd stop by to check in on everyone. I have gone through quite a bit since my last post, including remarrying my ex-wife. We have been back together now for 8 months and everything is going great.

 

I will say this for those wondering, you do yourself no good trying to win your spouse back. Move on with your life, and if it's meant to be, reconciliation can happen.

[Jeffbobo]

Hey nick. Great to hear that things are going well for you.

 

As far as your comment about reconciliation, there is a point of no return. In my case, more damage was caused post divorce so there is no chance whatsoever of reconciliation. Nor do I want to. I'm greatful for my kids but I'd rather forget that she ever happened, other than just for reflection and learning. I don't believe in "if it's meant to be", soulmates, "the one" or any of that other BS. Rather, there are thousands of potential "ones" out there and nothing lasts forever.

 

Good luck.

[lostandhurt]

Nick,

Great to hear from you. I suspect you are not the man you once were. Am I correct? You have learned and grown and hopefully found who you are and what you want for and in your life. When that happens it allows you to be more in control of your life and help steer the direction it is going. Before your divorce I didn't see that happening.

 

Sometimes a "Do Over" works and I am truly happy for you.

 

Like Jeff there is zero chance I would ever take her back. Funny how all those years ago I dreamed of that very thing and now I simply do not like the person she is. She has changed and not for the good and I have certainly changed and believe it is for the good. 2 1/2 more years and my son will be 18 and then there will be no real reason to have any contact with her.

 

Please always remember the things you have learned and keep the communication open and honest between you and your wife. We often don't say something just to keep the peace which in the long run ends up severely damaging the relationship.

 

I have been single for over a year now and actually enjoy it a lot. I do look at women on dating sites but I have found that not that many interest me like they once did. I guess my tastes have been refined by experience and knowledge. One day maybe....

 

Lost

[beautflstruggl]

Hello all, thought I'd stop by to check in on everyone. I have gone through quite a bit since my last post, including remarrying my ex-wife. We have been back together now for 8 months and everything is going great.

 

I will say this for those wondering, you do yourself no good trying to win your spouse back. Move on with your life, and if it's meant to be, reconciliation can happen.

 

Hey nick, new member here, but your post has encouraged me for the day. I am starting to learn this, that I need to just drop this woe is me garbage, and try and prepare myself for a future without her. Worrying about trying to win her back or feeling all lonely has just made my life worse, and I realize that just letting it go and letting God deal with this is much less burdensome. I don't mean to put spirituality in this, and I'm sure there's a lot that disagree, but my faith has definitely pulled me out of my dark place frequently since this fiasco with the estranged wife. I am surrendering this to God and just trying to improve myself and preparing for the journey ahead. I am hoping for restoration just like you nick, but I am not expecting it. Thanks for the uplifting words!

 

Your story has definitely given me hope for what I pray for, which is reconciliation.

[beautflstruggl]

Jeff, lost, JB, and sky, thanks so much for responding and giving your wisdom. I have been incredibly encouraged by this forum and you guys have taught me a lot. I understand what I must do, it is just hard to face it on a daily basis. I know the direction I must take from this point forward, Ive compiled it through counsel with many of my trusted loved ones, and unsurprisingly aligns with yours. There is definitely a right way out of this. Before, I used to be in a twilight zone and just got lost in all the things I wanted to do or could have done for the marriage, but I now realize that quickly acknowledging the situation and moving past it has helped me arrive at a more peaceful demeanor. I still have my downs, but my ups are slowly catching up. I think this forum really helped me figure out and confirm my wife's behavior, but dealing with it has become another issue entirely until recently.

 

I know this may be a little cliche/taboo (in a forum about mental health, go figure), but have you all ever tried to look about dealing with all this from a spiritual perspective (in my case, Christianity)? Not pursuing god to fix the relationship, but pursuing god period. To fix and heal yourself. to release the burden that is the broken marriage/divorce, and to make the transition to a single life much easier. I've found that relying on God to fill all those gaps and holes prior and created by the marriage has me feeling like i'm gonna be alright. There's just something overly calming about releasing my desire to control something I have no control over to someone who I believe does. The burden is much lighter.

 

Edit: BTW, I am NC with wife right now, I've realized that trying to talk to her is too painful (she is cold and rude almost), and trying to attempt to fix anything in any way is just pushing her away even more. Releasing her from my life and allowing her to 'find herself' is best bet, and in the mean time, I pray for her, and I pray for peace in my heart and find abundant hope in something bigger than my broken marriage, which is god. It has kept me encouraged, and less alone.

[lostandhurt]

You are slowly finding your way but don't get discouraged by setbacks or when things don't go as you had hoped or imagined. Take each day as it comes to you, enjoy the things you DO HAVE in your life and don't dwell on what you do not have. Once you begin to clear your vision you will see that your life is pretty darn good even without her in your life and possibly even better. Love holds us together but there are times when one person simply doesn't want to improve the marriage and choses only to blame instead of looking inward for answers and that is when we must give up.

 

There are many places to get help in your life which includes your faith. In the end it is up to you as we have all been given free will.

 

I myself find answers and help in many different places and spiritual leaders. Help is only good if you will accept it...

 

Lost

[beautflstruggl]

Thanks for the encouragement lost! I will keep trudging on, hopefully this trudge becomes a smooth pace. I just re-read your previous comment to me about my situation a few days past and wow, you hit it right on the money. I'm blessed by you guys, really, there's a sense of uplifting knowing that I'm understood by people who have gone through the same thing. I am not in full NC with her, I will respond if she tries to communicate (unconditional love they say), and it's not a big deal for me. I'm not trying to be her friend, but I did commit to be there for her as long as we were still legally married (I'm sure you all will disagree about this decision, and maybe I will disagree with myself soon enough, but I want to try it out for myself). The real pain is when I actually try to engage, which I have since stopped doing. I think I am taking the right steps. thanks again guys! I will check in and provide feedback as needed.

[sky09]

No judgement here on the path you've chosen. If it is faith that can carry you on towards the future, then so be it. But it is you, yourself, the catalyst that will keeping pushing you forward. You can thank yourself or God later. As long as you are aware, it is all gravy, almost, from here.

[lostandhurt]

As soon as she sees you have changed she will look at you differently. It is human nature...

 

You may be legally married and still bound by the vows you spoke but she has long since abandoned them. Holding on only tells her that she can get you back anytime she wants which is good for her and very bad for you. Like when a child is as brave as could be with mom or dad right there but if they are out of sight the reality of what they are doing comes crashing in on them and they realize this is for real. If you need to take your time cutting contact so be it. This is all done at a pace we can handle even if it isn't what is exactly best for us. This is once again human nature.

 

Knowing that we all went through this crap and are doing just fine is a blessing so don't forget it. You too will be fine and come out the other side even better I would bet.

 

Ask yourself this: What good comes from staying in contact with her? Only a brutally honest answer will help you see.

 

Lost

[nick66]

I get it Jeff, trust me, I do. Reconciliation is something each individual must decide on. Only you know what's best for you and your kids. I hope this post finds you doing well.

 

Lost, thanks, and yes, I'm a different person now. Like all of us here, I've been to the bottom, but time and God allowed me to get back to where I am now, and that's stronger as a person than ever.

 

Life is great, the kids are doing great, and my future with my family looks better than ever.

 

It's good to hear from you again.

[nick66]

A word of advice, don't ever apologize for speaking about God and what he's done for you. God is what helped me through everything.

 

As far as you, the best advice I can give you is what others have stated, just move on with your life the very best you can. I haven't read your story, so I'm not familiar with the details. I'll assume that since you're posting in this thread that it's pretty much like all of ours though.

 

It's very easy to wake up everyday and ask 'why me?" You must focus on yourself, and if you have kids, them as well. Your wife wanted this, not you, so give it to her. It's not your job to take care of her anymore. You'll find that in a lot of cases, once your attention is focused away from her, she'll start missing it. Once she see's that you're doing fine without her, she might start becoming more interested in you.

 

I do need to read your story, because what I'm saying may not even apply in your situation. Keep praying daily though, God, unlike your wife, won't ever abandon you.

[beautflstruggl]

Nick, u see it exactly the way I do and I'm totally relying on god to get me through it. By releasing my wife, I felt alone, but having god to live for rather than her/the broken marriage made me change me perspective in this entirely. My days became much better and I was able to release her much easier as days passed. As my relationship w god got better my attention to her became less.

 

I am reluctant to talk about faith and god as a way to 'curb' the pain on this forum as I'm sure spirituality is a touchy subject. But Yea my faith in god is all I need and has been getting me through this rough time. I'm fine being alone now, because in actuality.... I'm not! Ur story continues to inspire me nick!

[Jeffbobo]

At the time of my separation and subsequent divorce, I was heavily involved in the church. I played guitar and sang in a contemporary Christian rock group for my home church as well as a handful of others. I sought counceling through my pastor at the time and through much discussion, the thing that he said that stuck was, "If you love her, then let her go". So I did. I slammed the door shut. When she said, "Jeff, we've been friends since high school", I said not anymore, we can't be friends. I would not be her safety net. Got her out of the house, got her to stop coming over to the house, shut phone conversations down, everything. I did this to protect myself, grieve, heal, etc. that progression and during that time was some of the most insane crap from her imaginable and I took each one of those steps to shut that insanity down.

 

I turned my back on the church coming out of my divorce but I did and *do* have faith in God. Draw strength to make it through however you can. I have faith in myself and mainly drew strength from within. Some believe that strength and hope is only through God. One thing is for sure, you do a lot of soul searching at the point you're at.

 

I'd recommend that you not hang hope on reconciliation. The changes you make in yourself have to be for you, not to try to win her back or in the hope of winning her back.

[beautflstruggl]

Thx Jeff! Yea reconciliation is def not my goal. Recent events have her on the fence w us, so the idea has come accross lately. Obviously I want to keep the marriage together but I'm ready for the worst. I'm definitely not doing anything to win her back nor do I have any intention to for myself. I will let God lay out his plans and I'll just follow.

[lostandhurt]

Be very careful when talk of working things out come up. If it is truly real the idea can wait while you continue to learn and grow.

 

Isn't it interesting that as you move away she has second thoughts. Stay on the path you are on and don't get lured off by wishful thinking. If you want your marriage to become more than it ever was you need to keep working on yourself for yourself. Just going back to the way things were will only lead you back to the same place.

 

You are seeing and feeling a change taking place so keep going but be smart. Of course don't close the door to the possibility of working things out but it cannot be her saying "Ok, I will take you back now" it has to be a mutual decision based on strength not weakness.

 

 

Lost