Anon333 Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 Hi, Ive posted here awhile back about a guy I have been dating for a couple months having OCD, which causes him to have trouble cleaning, going near trash, and a number of other obsessive-compulsive issues...I am moving away in December, and besides from the OCD, we get along better than I have ever gotten along with any of my past boyfriends....I think the fact that I dont have to worry about us being long term, and how I will have to deal with his OCD in the future..makes it easier for me to worry less and enjoy his company..However, I have grown to love this person... My boyfriend does not cook, in fact does not really go in kitchens, he does not clean, does not own a garbage can or trash bags (he cant go near them).He lives very very minimally, and orders take out food...He keeps the take out food bags in his kitchen, and someone comes in and picks up and cleans for him....He is very sensitive about talking about his issues with OCD cause it upsets him so much..He is trying a new medication right now, but so far nothing is improving... Here is my question: Recently I looked over on his side of the bed where the wall is, and noticed there was throw-up from who knows how long ago and old condoms from us. None of this he picked up or has cleaned up....This really bothers me....I told him that was really gross and he needs to clean it up..He agreed it is gross, but a week has gone by and he has yet to clean it up....(because he doesnt clean)..Im sure he would not want to ask the cleaning lady to clean it up either.....What should I do? He got defensive today when I asked him when he would clean it up, and he said why dont I just not come over then...I said, fine....This is a problem..I dont want to have to clean it up..it grosses me out, and should gross him out too..What should I do? He doesnt even remembr throwing up there, and doesnt seem to be sure it is throw up..whatever it is, itis gross.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Firecracker Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 Either clean it up for him or just stay away. He is extremely ill. No need to be angry because it will not change a thing. My son has OCD in the worst way. It's not contamination OCD, but it's very serious. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beauty21 Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 The thing to remember is that your boyfriend will always have these problems. So, you know how he is and how his disorder affects his thinking, either you live with it or without it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Firecracker Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 He could improve in a decade or two. But there are certainly no guarantees with this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beec Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 My wife has a thing with bugs, and I have forced her to clean then up. Recently, a crciket, which was dead, but other times, I jsut refused to do it. Now, I have a choice, leave the bug and live with it, until she cleans it up, or not. If i clean it, she will not improve. But a big nasty hairy ugly spider is not teh place on which I am going to get her to start. Fears are faced bit by bit, or under extreme stress, when you have no other choice. He is not going to attack really asnty things right off the bat getting over his issues. I do not get the issues, and I think I would put a dumpster under his window for his take out bags, but you will not simply be able to push him to clean up these things. Accept it for now, or break it off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hearts Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 I'm no near to give advice about this situation but I'm gonna tell the things in my mind anyways. He can't go near the trashes yet he doesn't clean, well then if never cleans, the place he lives gonna be like the trash he can't go near I guess, he can't always find someone to clean for him I believe. So I think, why doesn't he use some gloves to clean around then he can throw those gloves to the trash when he is done with cleaning, and maybe he can use some other stuff to not directly touch the things like trashes. I mean he needs to start little by little. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dan39 Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 Could he not see a therapist to try to sort his OCD issues out? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Samedy Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 I think the OCD is one thing, but not throwing out used condoms, or cleaning up throw-up is a completely different issue. Having used condoms and throw-up laying around is extremely unhygienic and could really get someone (yourself included) sick. If I was with someone like that, I would not be able to stick around. It would just gross me out way too much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momene Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 I know there was a thread about not changing people but he needs treatment for this whether you're with him or not. Don't move onto the next stage of your relationship until this is sorted out. Imagine this sort of thing if you have kids. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MyNinja Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 FIrst of all I give you major props for putting up with something that is so unhygenic and having patience with his condition. Unless he seeks professional help for this disorder, theres little to no chance of him changing on his own. I suggest that you consider getting him the help he needs, that is, if you haven't attempted already. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted September 27, 2007 Author Share Posted September 27, 2007 Thank You all for your responses... I do not get grossed out too easily..and compared to my other relationships (cheaters, verbal abusers, alcoholics, crack heads) he is wonderful besides from his OCD...The throw up and condoms did kinda throw me for a loop though...He has many many issues, and since I care about him and have such a good time with him, I want to enjoy his company until I leave (move cross country) in December....I actually asked him again if he would clean it up, and he said he was going to try, and that it takes him awhile to get up to doing something like that..I hope he does it soon..it is very unhygeinic and gross..... I made it clear that if I ever did move back to his area in the future,..I could not be in a real relationship with him unless he had gotten better to an extent..And I know he wants this for himself even more than I want it for our relationship....Right now he does not have health insurance or money to see a therapist regularly, but I think he will very soon...I hope to talk to him about it more, and help him get the help he needs........It can be very frustrating at times....(him running up and down stairs, always thinking he dropped something, not cleaning up, not wanting certain things to touch other things)...But so far I am just trying not to let it get to me and taking it day by day... I really appreciate everyone's feedback..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Firecracker Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 Anon, What kind of insurance is he applying for? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted September 27, 2007 Author Share Posted September 27, 2007 he just started school again, so he should be getting health insurance under the school..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MadGenius Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 I had (it's better now) OCD, definitely not this bad. I could function, but it was annoying. I actually cleaned ALOT because I wanted to get rid of it, and did the running back and checking thing, and counted out how many times I did things, and breathed funny when looking at different colors. Besides getting professional therapy and the right meds, I honestly think that a great tool for overcoming this is WILLPOWER. He has to be exposed to what he irrationaly fears and learn it won't hurt him. You have to try to stop him from running back and checking things, so that when he comes home later he will see that the house is still okay. Try to help him clean this thing up. Take him in there and make him do it. Don't be angry, tell him you are trying to help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Firecracker Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 he just started school again, so he should be getting health insurance under the school..... That is good news. I hope he does well in school. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted September 27, 2007 Author Share Posted September 27, 2007 Thank you madgenius...He definitely has strange quirks and habits that is beyond my understanding...It is good to hear from someone who has experienced it first hand..I agree with you that it must be beaten through willpoer and forcing yourself to do things that make you uncomfortable until your brain gets used to it..even if your head is telling you to go back and check the lock....That is why it is frustrating, because it is hard to know how much effort he is putting into getting better..He is 36, so he has had some time to work on what meds work best, and how to cognitively try to work around the obsessions.....I dont want to get mad or frustrated at him if he is really trying hard..But it is difficult to know if he just gives up and gives in too much.....I will work with him and try to be patient... Miss Firecracker, Thank you for your concern, and yes, it is hopefull news he is back in school and seems to want to try harder to get things more under control and work on these issues...Since I am moving away in December, and dont know when or if I come back..it will all be a personal struggle for him while I am away...and perhaps him getting better may be a reason Id want to move back eventually and give it another try, if we were both single and willing...Everything is kinda up in the air right now...OCD is such a strange disorder...I dont wish it upon anyone..I can see how much it is a struggle in ones head... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MargaretK Posted September 28, 2007 Share Posted September 28, 2007 I think the OCD is one thing, but not throwing out used condoms, or cleaning up throw-up is a completely different issue. Having used condoms and throw-up laying around is extremely unhygienic and could really get someone (yourself included) sick. If I was with someone like that, I would not be able to stick around. It would just gross me out way too much. What the hell? Are you people crazy? He has OCD!! Do some research. And to the OP on the one hand you are saying you understand his illness and go into detail about what he does to avoid cleaning and going near garbage and then you are confused as to why he wont clean up vomit and used condoms??? I don't understand this post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Firecracker Posted September 28, 2007 Share Posted September 28, 2007 Most people do not understand OCD. Even the families of sufferers can treat them very cruelly because they never accept it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momene Posted September 28, 2007 Share Posted September 28, 2007 Is fear of rush hours a form of OCD? I usually time my journeys to work to avoid them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted September 28, 2007 Author Share Posted September 28, 2007 Margaret...As Miss firecracker responded to your post "most people do not understand OCD"....I wrote on here to try and get an understanding of how other people would feel, and if anyone else has had experienced OCD themselves, or with a significant other. Im sorry you dont understand the post.....But it is difficult for me to understand how someone (anyone), would leave throw up by the side of their bed for a significant amount of time..I know the fact that he has OCD explains it...But I was not sure how to go about getting it cleaned up and dealing with this coming up..I am trying to be understanding...As Ive written in the past..I always thought people with OCD couldnt stand anything dirty like that, so I would have thought he'd find a way to clean it right away (somehow)..But maybe it is just stressing him out and he doesnt know what to do because he cant deal with going anywhere near it.... Momene..Im really not sure if fear of rush hour traffic is OCD..It might be more of an anxiety disorder....I know OCD has such a broad range of symptoms though...I never knew how disabling it could be.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Firecracker Posted September 28, 2007 Share Posted September 28, 2007 Someone with contamination OCD can get so bad they won't go outdoors because of a fear they will come in contact with a particular thing, such as blood. I've read posts from some who have that fear so badly that all they think of night and day is that maybe there is a speck of someone's blood on something, maybe the sidewalk. Maybe, just maybe, they could step on the spatter. Then possibly when they take their shoe off they could get it on their hand, then it could brush by their mouth. Some fear bathrooms, and they cannot clean a toilet. They can't sit on the toilet for fear of what may be there. If they drip they won't wipe it up, just walk away and leave it. They may have to take showers all day long to get rid of contamination. There is one woman I know who is afraid of honey. She has a young child and heard the story that honey can cause botulism poisoning in children under the age of two. So if she shops she worries the whole time that there could be a speck of honey on something in the store. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Firecracker Posted September 28, 2007 Share Posted September 28, 2007 Is fear of rush hours a form of OCD? I usually time my journeys to work to avoid them. No, that isn't OCD. That's good sense. This man has OCD in the worst way I think. Many people clean excessively, but it gets to the point in a few that they just sit down and give up the fear is so bad. This poor guy really needs help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted September 28, 2007 Author Share Posted September 28, 2007 Oh miss Firecracker..Thank you for your input..It really makes me sad that he has it so bad, and really tries to hide it when we go out in public...It must drive him crazy...It makes me sad for him, and sad for any possible relationship that would be possible for us in the future.....I am worried that I am motivating him to go get help, and that when I go away in January, he will loose that motivation.....I feel like I almost have to be his mother in some ways....Its too bad, because he is so caring and giving towards me many times as well....I guess I can only wait and see..Thank You again for all your responses.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Firecracker Posted September 28, 2007 Share Posted September 28, 2007 How much does he depend on his family? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted September 28, 2007 Author Share Posted September 28, 2007 he depends ALOT on his family.....They live not far from him and help him with medical bills for therapy and medication and help pay for his rent and pretty much other basic things like a cleaning lady (im not sure if his sister comes in and helps clean)....and take out food.....It makes me sad to think about....It is not attractive attribute to be 36 years old without a job and dependant on family.....I could see myself having less and less feelings for him if we were to take the relationship to the next level...But I do truly care about him, and have the best time with him than anyone else Ive ever dated....He cant help he has this disorder...Be he does know it is up to him to get as much help as possible....I asked him about health insurance and therapy today, and he said his insurance doesnt cover the therapy and he has to pay (his parent's) out of pocket.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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