lonelycatlover Posted September 25, 2007 Share Posted September 25, 2007 sept. 24, 2007. I still don't have you yet. I haven't. I never have. I want to have yu so bad. =( I'm tired of going so many nights without having you. so lonely without you. =( please come to me. please be in my life now. =( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KG Posted September 26, 2007 Share Posted September 26, 2007 Awww..feel your lonliness... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelycatlover Posted September 27, 2007 Author Share Posted September 27, 2007 "the changing of the times" album -underoath bored out of my mind. fall is finally making its appearance. eff this effing lonliness. I live in a van traveling to places that don't stand out much from the last. everynight playing the same damn songs that used to be the * * * * to me. the same parts get the sing alongs and pile ups. I just want to be obliviously happy. I want to fast forward. get a glimpse of my future just a glimpse. why wouldn't I deserve god what I feel in my heart. I'm putting up with each day towards the hope it pays off. how dare I doubt. gods providing the words. hell provide the music. why else would he provide the dreams. I keep this paper journal. discussing days on this tour. when that is not enough I turn here. with the faint hope somehow someone out there will care/ be interested I would die for a friend like myself. I need someone. god please help. not that I won't always be this crazy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelycatlover Posted September 28, 2007 Author Share Posted September 28, 2007 its like I knew.. my intuition picked it up. show tonight blows. in every way possible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelycatlover Posted October 1, 2007 Author Share Posted October 1, 2007 I want to cuss. I'm exhausted and depressed. my voice * * * *ing hurts. its bumming me out. depressing me. I don't feel like and shouldn't be talking. I feel like going home and getting my voice back. I don't feel like staying out playing these pathetic * * * *in no good shows with a hurt * * * *ed up voice AND being around stupid * * * *n negative fat * * * * Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelycatlover Posted October 20, 2007 Author Share Posted October 20, 2007 so I've been home for lets call it a month now. no one bothers to text me. I'm sick of people. god, is this really worthit? not that I have any regrets, just sadness. it won't let up. won't leave. today I'm laying here with nothing to do, no friends , no money and my mind won't stop. as if buying things will bring me happiness. no. what will? I don't even know anymore. people are so using and fake. I can't take even an ounce of it. where do I even live. I feel barely alive. been glued to this pathetic phone . I have no life. I completely understand. how and why rock stars and celebrities are messed up. fame or attention doesn't bring happiness. just lots of emptiness. all I want is an adventure to make me feel alive. I want to help. live this dream. never stop. I've been living this "dream", this "rock star" dream and it hasn't been all its cracked up to be. we don't even make money. should that make any sense? its way too hard to live. and so easy to think of hurting yourself for sympathy attention. to get people to open their eyes to u and appreciate u and give your life some meaning, your Being some significance. all I can do is lay here and let go and trust and be patient god u will take this. I have done what is in my power. save me eh. I have only been the best person I could be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelycatlover Posted October 26, 2007 Author Share Posted October 26, 2007 I love/hate myself. but doesn't everyone? I'm tired of worrying. tired of the acne from the stress. the stress of worrying. it's just... going to be the end of me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelycatlover Posted October 27, 2007 Author Share Posted October 27, 2007 I'm feeling the same way I felt this morning. This is only day # 1,000,000 feeling this way. experiencing this bull * * * *. why do i have to undergo this. why have i had to live so long with this heavy * * * *ing bull * * * * disease weighing me down so much i'm so pushed to the edge. I have NO ONE to * * * *ing turn to. NO ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! no one who gives a * * * * whether i live or die. no one in my life to tell me they think i'm great, that I should live. and how many years has it been this way. i'm so * * * *ing angry. i'm so fed up feeling this way. * * * * you mom and dad for making me this way. * * * * you. i'm sick of playing it off like i like the person i am. no. i dont. generally dont. * * * *. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelycatlover Posted November 3, 2007 Author Share Posted November 3, 2007 so i'm pretty sure i was here last friday/weekend. feeling the same way. last night i actually got proactive and went down to cvs and bought sleeping pills to help put myself out of my misery. but i dreamed things i wish i hadnt. a past that i dont want to exist to me anymore. it just hurts. my past shaped/shapes my future. nothing ever changes. it goes around and around. a vicious cycle. nothing new. i still hate my own reflection. want so badly to shave my head. want so badly to be my someone else. but no. i'm stuck dealing with the same over and over and only dreaming of things that i think could make me happy but of which some i have tried and.... ijdk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelycatlover Posted November 3, 2007 Author Share Posted November 3, 2007 dear mom and dad- i'm writing this but I know I won't ever show you it, ever. I could never bring myself to let you all know how i feel, and that is how I feel you all failed me. i was your first born, you didn't know any better. but boy do I wish someone had wrote a book titled "if you can, avoid moving your first born around to a new place every year" because it will * * * * them up in the social/emotional playing field realm. but yeah, i'm 22 today and i need you all to know that what you all did in my formative/impressionable years... it had this lasting effect. I've figured out that it started ten years ago. 7th grade I can remember clear as day. what awful lonely loser feelings I had. I never got any help from you all. but perhaps you all just didnt know any better. how were you to know, huh. anyways whatever. so I've had depresssion for ten years. I dont think you guys will ever... well I wonder if i'll ever get up the guts to tell you all... how much it has affected me but you all have seen it. i'm 22 mom and dad and I still feel suicidal. the way i feel inside is the way a suicidal person feels. but i never go thru with it because I actually want you all to experience the pain I have. i want you all to understand me. me me me. this disease, it's in me. you helped get it there. you birthed me. i want you all to feel it, and then see my face. still alive, but merely just been breathing for the past ten years. TEN * * * *ING YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU STOLE MY CHILDHOOD. you stole my chance at happiness. I make up stories in my head; i always have. I make up happy stories, i make up sad stories to explain to people why I am the way I am. i can't stop making them and I want to. I want my reality to be something like my dreams. my dreams aren't impossible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelycatlover Posted November 3, 2007 Author Share Posted November 3, 2007 my paranoia levels are out the roof. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BYOB Posted November 6, 2007 Share Posted November 6, 2007 What do you have to lose if you tell them? Your life, maybe? I had nothing else to lose. I gambled my life and I won. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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