Life Hurts.

[blueangel]

I can never get the people I want to talk to me.

No one really wants to talk to me.

I must come off as unapproachable, intimidating, or weird.

Or just quiet.

 

I want to change though.

[deleted_x]

Reading this reminds me of a saying, and I know that it is quite true in your case. Sadley, this saying has become cliche due to MySpace and FaceBook.

 

Girls, are like appleson trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they're afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they get the rotten apples from the ground that arent as good, but easy. So the apples up top think something is wrong with them, when in reality they're simply amazing. They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who's brave enough to risk climbing all the way to the top.

 

Change is good and welcome, when it comes from the heart and the soul. Change is great, when you want to change to be happier with yourself. But not all change is wonderful and jolly. No, just like pleasure, some change can be evil and sinister. Conformity and adaptation are unfortunate changes that occur because of those around us.

 

We feel as if we aren't good enough, so we try to be better than the person next to us. We will say things and avoid people, just to raise our self esteem. To fool ourselves into feeling strong, because we have a large 'possie'. But we forget to look back at all those people that we hurt in the process, all the people that get hurt and refuse to change and continue the visious cycle. Yet, it is those people, those few people that are really strong. So strong that they refuse to change, even when those around them have a downcast eye upon them.

 

It's kind of ironic that you suggest that you come off as quiet, among other things. For, my cousin was talking to me about this one girl the other day in his interior design class. Her started describing her: a silent girl, a shy girl, a girl that sits off on the side in class, a girl that doesn't seem to fit in with the others. This girl's name, Christine. Suddenly, his tone changed - he continued his description of her with spectacular statments. Statements that were so moving, that one would desire to speak with her, even if for only to say 'hello'. The most accurate tag to categorize his description of her would be 'a queen'.

 

"A diamond, she is. Sitting in the back and isolated from the rest. Hardly speaking but her name, her voice becomes the fantasy of every man."

[blueangel]

Thank you, Omar. Ever since I gained a sexbuddy, I've changed a bit. Though one change has been good, I have taken life a lot less seriously than I had taken it before. When you just live it, you figure it out. The mindgames and soap operas in your head fade.

 

But I do feel messed up a little. Not messed up, just confused, like I am waiting. Waiting for someone to really see me and want to love me. Someone that I want to love back. My prince charming. I am starting to wish he was here.

 

Though this sexbuddy of mine is a friend, he is immature for me, and in trying to please him, be close to him and have experiences with him, I have been changing ever so slightly.

 

I want the nighttime love. I want the warmth of laying to another body. I want eyes on me, loving me. Simple sex is no substitute for this, but it is some human touch, it is some need fufilled. I cannot let it go thereforeeee no matter how many times you tell me it is wrong.

 

The only pain at this moment I am caused from it is wishing I had love instead. But I do not have love. I would not have love with or without my sexbuddy so he is no factor in holding me back from it- only a distraction from suffering it. And we have good times, both accepting it will not always last.

 

I'm sorry you had to learn of this as well. It is not something I would want you to normally know about me, Omar, only because I know how you would feel about it and that affects me. I care what you think because I care about you. But now you know, and I guess you are still talking to me, so it did not become a train wreck. I am thankful for that.