confused about what to do...

[kekep]

I met someone via a post on craigslist in March of this year. It turned out to be this sweet, intelligent and cute guy from New York who happened to only be in town for one night. We had drinks and really hit it off--I'm talking a major connection here. We emailed, texted and phoned each other constantly for about 2 months after we met. The problem was, at that point in my life, I was still reeling from the breakup of a 5-year relationship. My ex was still sporadically appearing in my life, generally late at night after several drinks. One particular night the ex showed up to my place and one thing led to another and we slept together. I just knew at that point I hadn't fully moved on from the relationship. I told NY guy the next day and said I needed more time to move on from this before I started up another relationship. He said he understood, but I could tell he was very hurt. I cutoff communication, but he did not attempt to get in touch with me either.

 

Fast forward to about a month ago...I am fully over the breakup and have planned a trip up to NYC with two friends. I texted him that I'd be up there at the end of October and wanted to see him, to which he replied "This is a surprise! Would love to see you, but need to tell you something. I've got a girlfriend now." Wow, wasn't expecting that. We've chatted on AIM, email, texted and phoned each other a little bit (probably 10 times total in the last month). He told me he had almost texted/called/emailed me a thousand times in the past few months but wasn't sure how I'd react. In our last phone conversation he said if I ever moved up to NYC, we would for sure be boyfriend and girlfriend. Not sure how to take that, as I have no plans to move up north. He also revealed that he was angry for some time about the way things ended between us due to my ex, and that he considered never speaking to me again, which I told him I understood. Also, he said he was going to try very hard not to cheat on his girlfriend while I am in town He made it plain that his commitment to her wasn't exactly rock-steady. I have started to become interested in him again, but don't want to be "the other woman," and I have a feeling when I see him, there is a possibility something physical could happen between us.

 

Does anyone have advice as to what I should do? Should I not see him while I'm up there? I'll be in NYC for 6 days. I think it will be hard to see him and not act on my feelings.

[Lana0120]

If you think you would meet him and end up putting yourself in a position where you would be 'the other woman'. Don't meet him. Alternatively, if you're going with friends, you could meet him up while you're with your friends. You're less likely to do anything you regret then. Bear in mind, that if you do anything you regret now, it could ruin anything good later on. Better to be patient, and if his current relationship is on the rocks, you'll get your chance anyway.

[Daligal83]

I agree with Lana. Only meet up with him with your friends around. And let them know that under no circumstances are you to be alone with him. I think you'd regret it in the long run. Are you looking for a relationship with this guy? Because if neither one of you want to move and he's the type of guy who would cheat on his girlfriend...I would second think that.

[annie24]

If you think you would meet him and end up putting yourself in a position where you would be 'the other woman'. Don't meet him. Alternatively, if you're going with friends, you could meet him up while you're with your friends. You're less likely to do anything you regret then. Bear in mind, that if you do anything you regret now, it could ruin anything good later on. Better to be patient, and if his current relationship is on the rocks, you'll get your chance anyway.

 

I have been in that position before and I agree with 90% of what Lana is saying. I was that "other woman" and you know where it got me? nowhere. it was stupid and I'm never doing that again. Pretty much the same thing - met a guy who lived far away, amazing chemistry, but then he got a gf, but once in a while we would still see each other if one of us happened to be in the other's town.

 

Anyways, the part that I disagree with is:

 

Better to be patient, and if his current relationship is on the rocks, you'll get your chance anyway.

 

Ha. in my case, he wound up breaking up with his gf, and he still didn't come to me. I wasted a lot of time being patient on him when I shouldn't have. I should have moved on a lot earlier, freeing myself up to meet local men, and let him come to me and CONVINCE ME if he wanted to be my boyfriend. That's what all my friends told me and I didn't listen. Anyways, I've learned my lesson now.

 

I would suggest that keeping in contact with this man is a can of worms. I understand that there is chemistry and whatnot, but let's face it... if he wanted to be with you, he would. but he's not. I think by going up to NYC to see him, you could make a mess and find yourself heartbroken for months for a man who has no intent to move to your city nor has he invited you to move to his.

 

I say move on.