Caught In Limbo what to do.....

[houdini]

Well it's been quite a long time and so much has happened since the last time I've posted. Thanks to Super Dave for his steady advice during this roller coaster of a ride.

 

Here's a quick update, me and my ex broke up in the middle of january of this year and we started talking again in june on my birthday. since then we've had constand communication in regards to my son and about us. The thing is she is very standoffish and doesnt give any more than what she's capable of giving which is not much. Me on the other hand give her everything she wanted in a relationship. I have to admit that during our relationshi I didnt give much becaue of my persnal issues. I know now that in order to love you have to love with no expectations and without fear.

 

What I'm asking from my fellow enotalone members is there opinon on what to do when you love someone who is not willing to give the same in return. below is the most recent email from my ex. please analyze and let me know if I should let it go and and let her come to me or should I just keep plugging away and put effort in.

 

My Intial Email to My ex

 

I have concerns about us and it's a lot of things but I think a lot of it has to do with some of the comments you made the other day...."We're a lost cause" and the other comment that you wouldnt tell me if you were seeing someone or talking to someone... I dont' like that I have trust issues with you now and insecurities....I never had that problem with you and I had a lot of value in having that trust with you and your faithfulness..... I guess to sum

it all up as easy as possible...I feel like the tables are turned now... I

feel that I have all this love that I want to give to you and you're not open

to it...and that there is something keeping you from helping me build this

back up if its even possible.... I dont want to be like you once were.....

where you're hitting a wall over and over again trying ot get to me until one

day you open your eyes and realize that theres no hope and you give up and

walk away... I love you and I hope that you feel the love I have for you just

a bit with the time we've spent together recently....but I won't settle

for anything less than equal love in return because you know firsthand that

feeling that way is pure misery...... we both have the right to make a

choice on what to do with our lives and I won't hit that wall over and

over again...I'd rather deal with it now......and as you know it's a crappy

feeling to have, to love and not be loved back the same.....

 

 

My ex's email

 

I'm not seeing anyone. I would tell you if I was. I made that comment

because I know from a good source that you are. But like you once said,

we are broken up, you don't owe me anything. It just shocked me because

it was so quick that in my heart, I feel you already had her. But I

guess I can understand how you feel the way you do.

 

Houdini, I do still have love for you in my heart but don't feel I'm ready

to commit to anything for a couple of reasons. I would rather take it

one day at a time and I'm sorry that you feel its not enough.

 

It's just not easy to deal with it all over again. Especially in our

situation. I still have issues about you leaving back to California and

leaving us again. This weekend you admitted that you left because of

the way the relationship was going. I just wish you would have been honest and had saved

us a lot of heartache. Instead of making me think otherwise and not

putting any effort to seeing us or meeting me half way. You really hurt

me. If I could get over those issues, I would definitely move to

California and be with you. But I don't know if I

can because of all that has happened in between. We've been apart for

too long.

 

I do feel that you are trying this time and when I see you and spend

time with you it makes me happy (not when we fight or argue though). It

feels different because I never knew you like that. I feel you are

rushing things a bit. I feel like you are pressuring me to decide now.

Let me tell you this, if you feel like you are in a real hurry or maybe

want to know before you commit to her, I don't know what to tell you

other than don't wait on me. Do what's in your heart. If she makes you

happy and you feel she can help you buy a house and get you where you

want to be, then go with it. I can't not assure you where our

relationship is going. Only God knows And don't think it's because I

don't care because I do. It would hurt me to know that you are married

to someone else but I can't be selfish and I won't stop you from being

happy. You know that of me.

 

And the reason why I don't think about stuff is because in the past I

spent and wasted so much time wondering when we were going to marry and

when we would be together and look at us know. I now live day by day

without expectations.

 

After that I text her

 

Ex, I dont have any plans with anyone...you're the one that I wan to have a future with but you should know that the more you fight for that goal to happen and the further it gets the more discouraging it gets. I had so much fun with you the past week and it suchand exhilirating feeling to finally love somoene without fear...I woll take it one day at a time like you and I need to learn ot give equal to what you give to me cuz thats where my heartaches comes from...giving more than what is given bck to me in regards to love. When you're ready to commit more and give more then we will get better as a couple some day...I guess our future is in your hands..I promise no pressure and whatever the future holds so be it...all I ask form you is acountability on how this effort on working together to rebuild is dictated cuz im followin you're lead for as lon as my heart lets me.

 

 

After that text she never responded back so what do I do?????? Whats your opinons everyone!!!!

 

Thank you,

 

Houdini

[p_fred]

it looked positive to me except you put the pressure back on her when you replied "I guess our future is in your hands"

 

I think you may need to go with her feelings of :

 

Houdini, I do still have love for you in my heart but don't feel I'm ready

to commit to anything for a couple of reasons. I would rather take it

one day at a time and I'm sorry that you feel its not enough

 

I think you need to back off and take the pressure away from her to make a decision for "us" tell her it was unfair of you to put so much pressure on her and that she should keep in touch. Start talking about day to day things instead of the relationship issues and once the trust is built back up then you can talk about issues.

 

Think of SuperDave's squeezing a bar of soap story.

[dreamguy]

I think there are a few things you should have not said (but it's ok because I might have made the mistake of saying them to ). The difference being that it's easier to see things clearly when you are giving advice to someone else because your heart is out of the equation.

 

Do not text her anymore. You texted and she did not reply. Give it some time (talking about 2 to 3 weeks not a few days) to see what happens.

And if she does reply, then next time you talk to her make sure you DO NOT say things like "I dont have any plans with anyone...you're the one that I wan to have a future with" and "When you're ready to commit more and give more then we will get better as a couple some day...I guess our future is in your hands".

 

This only restores her confidence and thus it reinforces her decision not to commit to anything for the time being.

You do not have to lie and take it to the other extreme. Just stop comforting her and constantly reminding her that you are and will ALWAYS be there.

 

I used to think the same way: That if I eased my ex's mind by saying I'll be there she will think "Oh what an exceptional and faithful man !"

Trust me it doesn't work this way. You see it and read it everywhere: Humans want what they don't have or what they fear losing.

 

If you had a 1 million dollar car that you knew would be in your garage for the rest of your life, would you feel eager to take it for a spin every day ? What if I told you this car will not be here tomorrow ? Would you postpone other plans to take it for a test drive ?

 

I think you got the idea mate...

[rokston]

I agree with the above posts...

 

One thing that I am not clear on though is ... do you actually have someone else in your life? Maybe I missed something in your post but I came off with the impression that you did..

 

IF this is the case, it may prove a stumbling block. She needs time and space to think but if during that time you are playing around and her 'reliable' source is telling... it's unlikely to help your situation...

[houdini]

Thank you everyone for your responses, much appreciated!!!!

 

I have dated a few times and have a close friend whom I spend time with but she knows my situation and is well aware of the fact that I want to reconcile with my ex. My ex on the other hand from the information she's received takes it as that I'm seriously dating this girl and that is far from the truth. I dont think that it's wrong to have friends of the oppossite sex.

 

Me and my ex live in two different states (her in vegas me in calif.) so what information she knows can't be much at all.

 

Dream Guy and Pfred, you both have some very good advice and it makes total sense. I've told myself the same thing on how to handle my situation but it's hard to tell yourself one thing and another to ask your heart to follow through with it, especially when your heart is hurting.

 

I know what she's doing, I know that she tugs on my heart strings to make sure I'm still there and once she knows I am she can go about business and not have to make any choices. Do you think that it's fair of me to step back and walk away because I've proven that after she shattered my heart that I'm still her, made changes in my life and love her like she wanted to be loved???? Do you think it's ok to step away now and let her come to me????

 

I guess what I'm afraid of is sticking arround, holding on only to be thrown aside when someone else comes a long or if she gets tired of me again or worse if I get thrown into the friends zone.

 

Any advice is appreciated!!

 

Houdini

[houdini]

PS.........

 

I keep reading her email above and it's like knives going through my heart because she says she loves me but to much has happened and she can't get over the past (which was a BIG issue when we were together) I keep analyzing her words and it's heart wrenching to say the least. It just seems as if she doesn't care anymore

[Wandering_Sword]

How are you doing bru? Glad to here that you're still on one piece

 

Ex, I dont have any plans with anyone...you're the one that I wan to have a future with but you should know that the more you fight for that goal to happen and the further it gets the more discouraging it gets. I had so much fun with you the past week and it suchand exhilirating feeling to finally love somoene without fear...I woll take it one day at a time like you and I need to learn ot give equal to what you give to me cuz thats where my heartaches comes from...giving more than what is given bck to me in regards to love. When you're ready to commit more and give more then we will get better as a couple some day...I guess our future is in your hands..I promise no pressure and whatever the future holds so be it...all I ask form you is acountability on how this effort on working together to rebuild is dictated cuz im followin you're lead for as lon as my heart lets me.

 

It seems you've been rather busy these last few months, but let's get to the meat of the matter. I bolded the section that stood out to me the most in your reply text.

Are you sure this is what you want? I understand that you want to make things work but placing your happiness and life in the hands of a person that broke you in the first place is giving way too much of yourself here. Don't you remember the pain you went through the first few months? The anguish? The torment? Are you willing to relinquish it all again for a person that took the kids and messed with your head?

Yes, she said she had no rights to hold you back and that you should do what you should do to make you happy. Do you honestly think she would say that if she knew you were going? She already stated that these things to keep you on the hook and by her saying these things to you in your current state, she knows (in your mind) that she'll look like a hero because she is so giving and selfless. That is not the case. Look at the way she reacted to the news you maybe dating someone else, does that look like the same person that could say "Do not wait for me," if she knew you were not waiting for her?

Now I'm basing my statement on what has been written here. To me this is watching the first season of a television program and then watching the last season. But from what I can piece together, you gave up too much of yourself and she's using that info to her advantage.

But if this is what you want, then I can't dissuade you. But can only tell you to be careful. Take care.

 

Andy

[houdini]

Hello WS, It's been quite awhile and yes I've been piecing my life and heart back together the past few months and have been dealt a few set back because of my ex.

 

You're right too WS in regards to your opinion of her acting like the hero who is not selfish when in fact to me it's the total opposite, it shows me that she could care less about me. I dont think a person if they truly love the other will let them go off with another or let them go completely especially if that person is practically begging to stay and love them. My ex pretty much keeps pushing me away only to certain distance and when she feels that I may be getting further she pulls on those strings connected to my heart and draws me back in. I need to fight that and respect myself better than that.

 

What do I do the next time she tries to make me feel guilty for the mistakes i made or if she tries to bring up me dating again? Would it be ok to plainly state to her that unless she's willing to help me with this relationship to let me be unless she's ready to give 100%?

 

Houdini

[Wandering_Sword]

There is nothing to be said. This situation has not changed or budged one significant iota since you first posted on ENA. Your EX is set on her path and by telling her all that you have mentioned in those texts will lead her to eventually wean herself off of you and by then you'll have been spent and used to make HER life easier.

 

I know you can't go NC because of the children and you have to make contact, but to let her convince you that the relationship issues lie within you is purely ridiculous, "...What do I do the next time she tries to make me feel guilty for the mistakes i made or if she tries to bring up me dating again?"

Right now your EX is Godzilla and you're the population of Japan running scared. You're too worried about saying the wrong thing and losing her. That being the key issue is that you have already lost her, and if she had any feelings or slight inclination to reunite with you it would have been amply demonstrated by now. But it hasn't. She knows how you feel about her, yet still makes you go through all of this, what does that tell you about her?

 

Instead, you're telling her everything she needs to hear. You still love her, you want a future with her and all those things that a dumper (insecure about their decision) wants to hear.

 

You need to keep this professional, deal with the children and only the children. Any topic comes up that doesn't involve the children, steer away from it. Your private lives should not be drawn into this. She's using you to make herself feel better.

 

"...My ex pretty much keeps pushing me away only to certain distance and when she feels that I may be getting further she pulls on those strings connected to my heart and draws me back in. I need to fight that and respect myself better than that."

She does not do that to you, you do that to yourself. She is manipulating you and doing it for her own benefit. AND (I'm say this with a very big AND) she is aware of it and consciously doing it. Does that sound like love or someone that deserves what you have to offer?

 

Please listen to what you have wrote thus far and it's been what? Six months? That is a long time to be dangling on a hook.

[houdini]

WS, thanks for the reality check. I know I tend to find away to make all that is happening shine a brighter light when in fact it's a dark situation that I choose to stay in because I love her and care about her. The difference is she doesnt have the same feelings for me anymore as she once did and if she did she would have let me know by now.

 

I know that I'm the cause of my own heartache because there was a period of about 3 months where we didnt talk at all, I often thought about her and wondered but I was able to move on with life and started dating again. I did my part in communicating with the kids through the grandmother. Only when she found out that I had moved on and started dating again is when she knocked on the door of my heart, better yet she kicked the door down, we the truth is the door was wide open and she walked in and rattled my emotions again to make sure that the new girl or girls I had been dating were no threat to her. Once she knew that i loved her still she was content and self satisfied at the cost of my heartache.

 

Im going back to NC as of today and will go back to how I was living my life. I hadn't contacted her at all today and she texted me after she got off work and said "Hi there, hope you had a wonderful day, I was very busy todat at work, I'm not feeling sick anymore and neither is my daughter, hope you feel better too" I waited about 3hrs until I responded with "I'm doing good, thanks" and that was the last.

 

I think I panic when she texts me or tries to call because I dont know how to act because she will act as if everything is ok and that we're on good terms and thats far from the truth. If going NC do I ignore her contact effort with me? If not then what do I say when she tries to make small talk?

 

Thanks again WS and everyone else!!

 

Houdini

[Wandering_Sword]

I would ignore her attempts at contact unless it is strictly about the children. If for some reason you are engaged in "small talk," then treat it as such, "small talk." Do not under any circumstances reveal your personal life to her. If the conversation is long, cut it short. And if she presses on about your personal life, stonewall her with "It's all good" or "Things are going well" and beat a hasty retreat with a number of convenient excuses like:

 

1.) "I have to get to an appointment."

 

2.) "I have something burning on the stove"

 

3.) "I'm heading to the gym"

 

4.) "I'm meeting a friend (s) for lunch ( or dinner)"

 

5.) "I'm hungry and I'm going to make something"

 

6.) "Just got back from work an hour ago and I'm tired"

 

You just need to step away till you get back on your feet, after that if you feel that talking to her won't lead you down to a bad place then by all means chit chat with the EX.

 

Andy

[houdini]

Hello WS,

 

Thanks for the tips. I've made the choice to completely step away from the emotional situation I've put myself in with my ex. I'm going back to NC and from now on its up to her to prove herself to me that she wants to reconcile. The positive thing from the most recent events is that I was on my best behavior and showed her nothing but love and was totally different from what she was use to with me. She even admitted that she never knew this side of me!

 

I leave her with only good memories of the changes I've made and the man I am now from this experience. So in the end it wil be her loss if she continues to not try and as of today I'm done trying with her.

 

Thank you WS and the others who have given me great advice.

 

Houdini

[Ripples]

Your decision is the correct decision.

 

True "love" between two mature adults, although always up and down should never be as complex as this. Your ability to empathise is something she appears to be lacking and the absense of that one ingredient alone would suggest that, at this stage the relationship is doomed.

 

I waited way too long for my ex to sort herself out. I stupidly believed the rubbish she dished out to keep me hanging on. One day I woke up and realised that everything she was saying was utter bull * * * *. It was then, 11 months ago that I told her to respect my emotions and privacy and leave me alone. I have not heard a word since!

 

I now have my answer and so will you!

[houdini]

Hello everyone!

 

Thanks ripples for your comment on my situation. It's been 3 days since I've last spoken to her which was only a text from her. It's sad to feel as if I was scavaging for bits and crumbs of love from her. I do love her but as you said it's not a mature love that she knows how to give. My ex with 3 kids with two fathers I would have thought she would put in more effort with me to have atleast one of the fathers in her kids lives. Her ex, the father of the two girls is no where to be found and she has now excluded me from the picture.

 

Who knows what the future holds but I'm content knowing that I gave my all and maybe it was just a little to late. Feelin kind of down today!!!!

 

Houdini

[Ripples]

It doesn't take a genius to see that with that much baggage this woman probably has some fundemental flaws.

 

It's great that you see that you were fighting for crumbs of attention from her. In reality that is all she can give. You, as a loving, caring person with the ability to empathise need to focus on identifying equally loving, caring people with the ability to empathise. It is not easy but given time you can find your way out of the maze. Don't loose heart because you got lost this time. Miss right is closer than you think!

[bacci]

Houdini,

I see things differently but I only know the email she sent you, that she has a child with you, and that she has not told you its really over. which i believe she would if she wasn't torn between her desire to get back togehter and her fear of getting hurt. I would do as others tell you but instead of full NC do LC, and give it a break discussing the relationship, just do as she is doing, trying to keep no expectations but with the goal of finding out if you still could make things work out, there seems to be a love connection, from what i read.

It takes time, it takes mostly being healed enough to try again, I have been separated for nearly two years now, divorced for a month, and still in some sort of limbo, but my now EX is finally able to tell me he loves me, and he would like to see where things go, spend time together, and tell me he doesn't want to lose his chances with me,

and its taken all i am to see where I needed to change, for myself for my kids, to have a chance to have a peaceful life. and he needed time alone too, to see where he needed to change

I wouldn't close the door on anything, i wouldn't push things one way or the other, it has to be clear to you that you are ready to close the door or to enter it, same goes for her. but it has to come from a place within you where ou fel balanced and centered, not imposed by your mind, or you'll go back and forth.

So in short my advise, is to not create more drama, to not interpret everything, she is confused, she does care, you are still in a process of transformation, god knows where it will all lead you, but this things are not a short story, but a novel and need time to play out. Give yourselves time to heal and keep writing, keep some healthy space and stop talking about the relaionship for now, I think you guys need more time. Dating, well, i wasn't ready neither was my ex, but you do what feels good for you, what brings you peace. Take care of yourself, it will be fine trust me.

We can talk more if you want.

Bacci