tuxthecutey: this is me

[d24]

thought it might be a good way to contribute a bit, maybe someone can learn from my mistakes. hell... maybe i can learn from them.

you can comment or question or give feedback to me via the pm function if you like

 

i'll start from today and write about yesterday.

 

Sunday 19th August

 

i'm 23 and live with my girlfriend (22) in Blackpool England. She's sweet and funny and cute but it's all undone because of her poor self image. she is overweight but i'd never admit that to her. she says she's trying to lose 2 stone. i think i'd be more attracted to her if she did, but again - i'd never admit it. this can base the foundations for a lot of our arguments.

 

i woke up sunday morning all snotty and grotty and she knew i was feeling rough. all day she was trying to convince me to have a nap - I resisted for a while but did in the end from exhaustion. i like being looked after, but when she uses that baby voice on me it makes me angry. she's learning not to baby me though - she just wants to be a mother. again, this is another foundation for arguments.

 

she made me eggs for breakfast (in bed i might add) and we did an hour's worth of house hunting online. we need to find a house in less than a month because our rent now is too much. i think we may have found a couple we want to look at. it's very stressful but i'm trying to keep calm for her because she is very highly strung.

 

we spent most of the day in the same room doing our own things. i was playing games - i'm quite addicted to them - and she was playing on facebook and who wants to be a millionaire. every so often she'd ask a question and maybe half the time id be able to help. that made me feel good. i like being helpful.

 

we listened to the football and had soup for lunch. we argued about something trivial like my inability to take things seriously (like worrying about bills or my lack of job - another major thing going on in my life) but made up quickly. i had my nap and that made us both feel better. she wouldn't let me help with the chores, but I stole some time to do some ironing. i think she appreciated it but is too stubborn to admit it.

 

she had a nap on the bed, i played games next to her. she snored loudly, i stroked her till she stopped. it was nice. i was getting horny though and really wanted a blowjob - i tried to ignore this feeling (as rare as it is for a guy with a low sex drive).

 

we tried watching 'The Bodyguard' but got distracted midway through. I was laying behind her and couldn't resist her breasts - fondling turned to sucking which turned to a writhing girl infront of me. i didn't want sex, i still wanted a blowjob but she did - i couldn't say no to her panting "i want you inside me". i didn't last even 60 seconds inside her which made me feel awful. i think it was a combination of my not wanting to have sex, the 30mins of foreplay and her being extremely wet. apparently she didn't mind - she encouraged me to pound her as hard and fast as i could because she had just fingered herself to orgasm while i was playing with her breasts. in a way it felt unfulfilling, because i wanted to last a good 15-20mins by doing her slowly - but she was visibly happy and considering how wet and randy she was i couldn't have gone 'nice and slow'.

 

we never watched the rest of the movie - instead we played games, watched some TV and the football highlights. Before the last match she went to bed and gave me a kiss. she left in the spare room because she was complaining of a poorly stomach.

 

after the football was over i went to bed a little upset that she was in the other room. and also i suppose i was angry with myself for not asking my girlfriend for what i wanted sexually, but that's my fault. Work the next day, I'm not looking forward to it.

[d24]

Monday 20th August

 

So I woke up at 7am on the wrong side of the bed, it felt strange and was confusing because I couldn't find the chirping alarm next to me. I started to get changed and my girlfriend awoke with her alarm at 7:15 and came to give me a hug as I was making breakfast. Left-over spaghetti from last night - delicious.

i watched the news and ate as she got dressed and checked her emails. we barely said 3 words to eachother, but this is normal for us. We're not morning people.

I kept thinking about wanting that blowjob still and knew that I didn't have time (and that she would say no) so I gave her a kiss, told her my plans for the day (she told me hers) and i went to walk to catch the bus to work.

 

i work at a very large company but my contract expires in 4 weeks. i have interviewed with them and i think i have a job offer coming but have not discussed it with the hiring manager yet. as a result i'm not telling my gf... yet. i dont want her to get her hopes up and then dash them. in the meantime i have 3 job interviews scheduled over the next couple of weeks.

 

at work i was so horny that after an hour i had to go 'relieve myself' in the restroom. i felt so dirty and disgusting, but it was getting to the point where i couldn't concentrate and was idly surfing through singles sites at one point. i felt guilty and sick to my stomach and closed them down - i'm not sure why i even looked because i love my girlfriend very much - my main problem is that i don't look at her and think "wow she's hot" which i want to do. so fantasising rarely makes me think of her but I'd give anything for her head to be in my head when thinking of things like that. that's an awful thing to admit but i'm trying to be as honest as possible in this journal.

 

i arranged for 2 house viewings (lettings/rentals) for her on wednesday. she currently works half days so she's going to see them alone. i trust her not to pick something we dont like, or something out of budget. i've told her she can say yes on the spot if she likes one of them (i saw some pictures online). i'm glad she's going alone because i dont like looking at houses with her.

 

when we last went out together she constantly undermined me and kept telling the agents more than they needed to know (i.e. giving them ammo) - then when I told her not to do that in the car afterwards we had a blazing row about my not being allowed to 'control' her which i thought was very unfair. we made up for now but i know this will come up again soon... still - only 38 days till we're homeless - i hope she likes one of them.

 

my job hunting isn't going too well... i dont want to contact the internal guy about the potential job because it was only thursday when we spoke. i presume he will contact me. i'll email tomoro if he doesn't.

 

my girlfriend is starting to work for this company also - in a month - it is nice and infuriating at the same time - nice that she's now going to be able to contribute to the bills and has been down about being unemployed for nearly a year. infuriating because i'm having a VERY hard time finding soemthing internally and they are recruiting like mad EXTERNALLY. i have issues with this... i'll leave it for now but i'm sure it will come out later.

 

...continued...

 

my girlfriend arrived at my work around 4pm and I snuck out for a hug and a kiss. she needed to have some security forms checked so i took her to the security house and got her sorted. Hopefully she'll start in about 3 weeks. I should have gone back into work but instead I decided to go with her over the road and get a drink and have a chat. I told her that I had arranged for her to see two houses on wednesday afternoon and she seemed excited. again, i was pleased because i didnt have to deal with her while she goes house hunting.

 

she said she brought a book and would wait in the car park for me (because half the time she picks me up from work, rest of the time I get a bus). i thanked her and returned to work to burn another hour before i could leave - just as i was closing my PC at about 5:03pm she texted me saying "are you coming or what?" - i didnt have time to fire a reply out because i got called by an estate agent about arranging a viewing for her tuesday afternoon. 5:05 the call was done and I get a second call about another viewing on friday afternoon. I hangup around 5:10 and get out to the car park - in the meantime she sends me a text saying "i guess you want to get the bus home then" and she's starting to pull out of the car park as i arrive.

 

I wanted to yell at her and question why she would leave when she's been waiting an hour but i refrained... instead i apologised for taking the calls and explained about the houses she'll now see Tuesday afternoon and Friday afternoon. She acted weird towards me all the way home and said she was angry at me for 'standing her up' - i wanted to throw the whole 'well you were willing to strand me' argument in her face but i bit my lip and took it.

 

at home we looked at the houses and by this time i was tired of the house hunting and job talk and all that crap - i just wanted to lay on the bed and watch some tv and give her a hug. she kept bleeting on saying 'i know you want to relax now but we need to sort this' - i know she was right but i wasn't enthused - i wish she could have waited an hour or something. another thing that pissed me off was when my mate Steve called and wanted to talk and she was saying "what does he have to say anyway, he calls you too much" etc... and I asked him to call back. he never did but my dad called (he lives abroad) and i got to speak to him about everything for about 40mins. that perked me up.

 

we watched some tv, had some time to play some games, then she said that her stomach still hurt and she needed to sleep in the spare room again. I made a joke about her always wanting to sleep in there and she didn't take it well. I went to bed and read for a bit and she came in, kissed me goodnight and I got to sleep before 11pm for once. I asked her not to set her alarm in the morning so i could wake her up, I think she'd like that.

[d24]

Tuesday 21st August

 

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed again, it kind of threw me. I got changed, made breakfast (grapefruit for me) and put the kettle on for tea/coffee and woke her up. She was groggy but very cute and kept stroking my face, it was nice.

 

I'm trying to lose some weight myself and decided (in my mind) that I want to lose about 20-30lbs. I'm 6'4 and very broad but I weigh almost 245lbs. I think I look a bit chubby these days and she says she likes me how I am. As a result she stops me from dieting by giving me big meals (and she knows I hate seeing food go to waste) and buying things she knows I want to eat (again, this is down to my willpower). This time I've decided to not tell her.

 

Nearly everyday for lunch I take into work a sandwhich, potato chips, a chocolate biscuit bar, an apple and something random we have in the house - be it flapjacks, nuts, candy, yoghurts, etc... What I'm going to do is only eat the perishable things - everything else I'm going to keep in my desk drawer. Hopefully it will cut out 400 calories a day, which may help a little - if I do start to lose weight I hope she doesn't notice or try to stop me.

 

So today she's going to see a house in a really scummy area of town, but it is a very very nice house from the pictures I've seen, and within our budget. I told her again, if she likes it to say yes on the spot. We're not really in a position to wait and see what else turns up.

 

On the way out of the house I was looking for my misplaced watch and she was following me around every room saying things like "you're going to be late" and "i've never seen so much faffing"... it annoyed me and i snapped "why are you following me around" to which she replied in a sarcastic tone "sorry"... she refused to give me a kiss when i left so i went and got the bus.

 

Banging my mp3 player made it work for once and I got into work relatively early. My boss comes back from holiday today and I hope he doesn't give me too much work to do. I have a project I'm working on and I want to concentrate. I'm also eagerly waiting a phone call or email from my internal contact about possibly finding me something when my contract ends here.

 

thought i'd update it now since something great has happened

 

So I'm debating on whether or not to call this guy about my job and I decided to call him - worst he could say was no... so I called and he basically said to stop worrying that he was impressed with me and that I had the job. Not only that but I was going to get a promotion (up one grade) and a £2000 ($4000) raise... I was ecstatic and called my friends and family - tonight we plan to celebrate.

 

On a downer - this started a new argument with my GF about money... She said that splitting the bills 50-50 was unfair and we should go by the amount we earn. actually i was suggesting 50-50 and I pay in my savings account to our joint account (£1700/$3400) but she's being stubborn and at a cost of £34/$68 cheaper for her per month, that £1700/$3400 is mine. it would take her 50months to save that much extra into our joint account. if she expects me to pay 54% to 46% (wow big difference) and give up my savings i will have to have words with her re:selfishness and money.

 

continued

For reference - I got the house viewing days wrong, she has 2 Weds, 1 Thurs, 1 Friday.

 

i tried talking to her later that night about the money - first she had a go at me for telling her where she has to put her money - I didn't suggest - I merely showed her how she could afford to save and pay for everything without worrying.... she took it as me trying to run her finances - and started with the whole 'it's my money i can do what i want with it'...

 

i calmed her down and talked rationally for a little bit about what she realistically wants to do with her money and how much she can 'afford' to save.... she was insistent on paying her parents back ASAP and as much as possible, and I was trying desperately to show her that her parents dont NEED the money back any time soon. She kept throwing in my face that I paid my Dad back the money I owed him as soon as possible and that she should be able to do the same if she wanted.

 

The reason why we're moving house next month is so that we have less to pay on rent (which is a waste of money) and can save up money for a deposit on a house. She's now saying that we should stay in rented accommodation for maybe more than a year so she can pay back her parents and then save up for the mortgage. meaning that settling her personal debts (which can wait) is more important than saving for the deposit.

 

here's the thing that really made me very very angry...

she then said - by the time i've paid my parents back (£3000/$6000) you'll have saved up about the same, and with your savings you can pay that money as deposit for the house.

 

HER money is HERS

and

MY money is OURS????

 

***???

 

I said flatly NO, that we need to sit down and go through the numbers together and work out what we can do - and try to save HALF the deposit each. She threw a tantrum, shouted at me for controlling her life and finances and then went to the spare room and slept for an hour.

 

I despaired and tried to work on a project together - when she woke up we made a shoe rack together and didn't speak of this worry... then we went out for a meal and watched Evan Almighty. Before we went into the cinema her Mum called and said they were going to visit next Sunday and then they congratulated me on getting a promotion/pay-rise. we went home and watched some Friends on the bed and had a cuddle - but my mind was ALWAYS on the money issue.

 

We went to bed in the same room for the first time in 5days but she woke up at 2am and woke me up to tell me she couldnt get to sleep and went to the spare room. I'm despairing as to what to do on this level so I saind OK and rolled over back to sleep. Another day

[d24]

Wednesday 22nd August

 

So I wake up alone in my bed. Again. This is getting far too frequent an occurrence. I get changed, I make breakfast and I wake her up. Everything is seemingly fine between us despite the looming of the money problems we're in the middle of. She offers to drive me to work but I take the bus - I need the exercise.

 

With the problem of finding a house sorted I'm now confronted with a girlfriend who doesn't want to share our financial burdens and having to find a house with her....

 

I called her after lunch (a very boring slow day with no work) and asked her to swing by on the way to this afternoon's house viewing. In the meantime I login to facebook and tell her friends that I don't fancy going to Leicester with them and I have 'plans of my own' - I don't actually have any plans - I just don't enjoy their company too much and could do with a weekend of relaxation.

 

My gf then emails me asking why I aren't coming? Am I going to have sex with another girl etc... which is a bit crazy - I ask her why she says this and find out that she's upset that my profile on myspace still says single and she thinks I'm planning to meet someone for sex or something. I'd never do that, and besides, she has my password. It annoyed me a lot. Then when I send a reply back saying "stop being so immature" she says something along the lines of "im in a position to look after myself now so if you want out this is the perfect time". i got VERY angry at this but decided not to answer... it wouldn't make anything better.

 

she came by work at 2:15 ish and i went down to say hi and go thro the pricing etc of this house she was about to view. i was still very angry and upset with her but i didnt talk about that. she gave me some cookies she bought and said she'd see me later.

 

3pm came and she was due to view the first house but there was a mixup at the office and the agent didnt get there till 3:30. in the interim she accused me of getting the times wrong and forcing her to sit around doing nothing waiting (wasting her time etc) and said it was probably my fault as i got the days wrong yesterday - at least i didnt make her wait though... anyways i call her up to calm her down and as im talking my hand slips and hits the receiver, and the line hangs up. i figure there's nothing left to talk about so i dont call back, i text her saying i accidnetally hungup and id call her in 30mins after the viewing.

 

just as i send my text she sends a torrent of abuse to me in text calling me every name under the sun and cursing like mad. i am shocked and VERY angry but send back a calm text saying calm down, stop sending me abuse, and i'll call you later..... more abusive texts follow.

 

for the first time in a long time i'm actually angry enough to want a blazing row, and am seriously considering dumping her, but i try to calm down and ignore her for now. 3:30 comes and the agent shows her that and another property and she doesnt like either, but she calls up apologising being all peaches and cream. i wanted to be mad with her but i dont like holding grudges so i forgave, and she picked me up early from work at 4:30.

 

on the way home i tell her that it's upsetting how it seems like straight after she has a job she seems to be picking fights about everything, and how it feels like she's trying to make me leave her. she counters saying the same things to me about her feeling less loved and that we're more like friends than a couple because we never have sex. she also says ive been less affectionate and as a result has become less affectionate - i told her she's witholding it voluntarily and making a downward spiral and she blames me for starting it... i dont feel like i changed, maybe i have?

 

i admit, she's right. i told her she's probably right. she cried and told me how she couldnt think of one good thing in our relationship while i listed about 4 or 5 really good points. i feel as though she doesnt love me anymore, that she's paying lipservice. we argued again about the money and in the end i gave up and said - look what's yours is yours just please tell me what you plan to do - and explained how i felt she was being unreasonable with her money - but again i didnt care what she did as long as she told me.

 

she then tried to make me feel bad by saying we dont want the same things, that she never feels loved or wanted, that i dont love her anymore because she's put on so much weight, etc.... i gave up and just listened to her and said sorry and made dinner. 'listened' though - as in grunted and for the most part tuned out, because she was saying so much crap.

 

later on she sat next to me and gave me a hug and started to talk about the house she was viewing tomoro and asked if i would skip work and go with her. I told her that she was giving me REALLY mixed signals and she said she knew, she just wanted to see if I'd hug her back or make her go away. I'm very confused as to what I want and she seems equally messed up.

 

We slept in the same bed for the first time in a week. All night. It was nice.

[d24]

Thursday 23rd August

 

I woke up a bit late and she had to drive me into work but we agreed that I would go with her for this next house viewing - only problem was that it was at 3pm - smack in the middle of my day and I know my boss would not let me go. I busied myself with work and just as the time came I said I needed to pop over to another building to help my former colleagues. He said no problems and I was gone basically 2pm-4pm.... thankfully nobody cared too much.

 

We went to see this house and it was in a quite grotty area with kids lining the roads playing football and jumprope etc... I suppose it wasn't gangs of teens or something... so we we're too fazed.

 

The landlady came and showed us around and inside, it was a really decent size. 2 beds, 2 baths, dining, living, kitchen and a 20ft garden. my gf was obviously excited about it (mostly because they said she'd be allowed to have a cat and she's been bugging me to get one for months) and we talked in the garden about it - then I started negotiating. We managed to persuade her to repair the walls, put up curtains and install a washing machine and she agreed - not putting the price up. all that was left was to sort out the move-in date.

 

She wanted us to move in 28th/Aug but I had just paid my rent for the last month and couldn't afford double rent. I kept asking her if she could wit till the 10th Sep or something but she wouldn't. We didn't want to walk away without saying yes (and lose it) so we managed to get her to agree not to take the deposit from us till we could afford it. Only problem was that she still needed £400/$800 on the 28th and £200/$400 to hold it.

 

We dont have that sort of money so we called her parents and got them to loan us enough. everything seemed fine and we agreed to meet her tuesday and give her the full £600 - all we had was her word she wouldnt let it go to someone else, and all she had was our word that we'd come back with the money.

 

we went home and she called saying she really needed some deposit tomorrow so we're going to have to see her tomorrow and give her £200/$400 or so. only thing im worried about is that she's insistant on cash - i'm hoping there's no scam involved.

 

at home we had a horrible dinner, but i ate it anyway - the cabbage was undercooked and gross, we had no milk for the mash so it tasted very weird, and the reformed turkey things were... bleh... but i ate it all anyway and thanked her - only problem is i now have a bit of a stomach ache

 

we watched some friends and just as we were going to bed i worked up enough 'courage' to ask her to play with me - she started to give me a handjob but rolled over for me to play with her boobs. it was really nice to play with her while she was playing with me - it must have been about a week or 10 days since we last did anything sexual - and she was getting very wet. We moved to the bedroom and i told her to use her vibrator and stop just as she was about to cum so i could feel her squeeze me, and so i could push her over the edge. didn't exactly work to plan but it felt very good, and we felt very close.

 

True man style, i was asleep within about 20mins of cleaning up with a smile on my face!

[d24]

Fri/24 Sat/25 Sun/26

 

Friday I only stayed in work till mid-day and left early to collect some lunch for the gf and i. she picked me up and we had a mini picnic in the car and then left to the new house. we handed over the £200 cash and signed a tennancy agreement which looked fine and took a couple pictures of the house for our parents. we went home and watched the big brother eviction and played some games, played cards for a bit, had snacks for dinner, then watched Friends and went to sleep very early at around 9pm.

 

Saturday we woke up 8am and I made her bacon butties with egg on pitta. She quite liked it. We then cleaned the spare bedroom out of all the junk i'd collected over the years and got my 18 folders down to just 3. We made a big mess but it paid off as we'll have less to do when the moving time actually comes. so everything is in boxes for her to pack now. we went to the tip to throw away a broken chair and i bought stuff to make lasagne. we listened to the football and she had a nap - I was playing games online (LOTRO) from about 12:30 to 6pm - almost non-stop. I didn't realise to be honest, and thankfully neither did she. we had the lasagne which was delicious and watched the xfactor, then we watched some friends and went to sleep.

 

Sunday we woke up 7:30am and made some breakfast. We hoovered the house and packed some more things and had an argument about something stupid like which house we'd live at and when. she thought we'd stay at the new place and i thought we'd stay here. basically because i didnt think the same as her (and she is ALWAYS right [/sarcasm]) i was the one in the doghouse for choosing phone/internet/beds/fridge freezer over staying at the new place which has no fridge freezer, no beds, no phone and no internet. apparently i was picking luxuries over her. i was. because i know i'd have been bored senseless if we had nothing to do/watch over there all week.

 

she'll move in Sept 10th and I'll move in Sept 27th.

 

Her parents came up to visit us and we went out to a pub restraunt for a nice meal - we had a chat and they managed to persuade her that having some time apart would be good for each other. after all we have lived together for a year now and could do with some time to recharge our batteries. she's now excited about us being bf/gf again, living in different places and all that stuff. thank God for the inlaws eh? lol

 

they went home and we played on our laptops, i stupidely let my character die - but in the heat of the moment i didn't know what to do and was just desperately trying to escape. wahtever. i felt so stupid for the rest of the night. i stopped playing and we spent somet ime together, we snacked on leftover lasagne for dinner and went to bed before 10pm.

 

It's a bank holiday monday and she doesn't have to work, but I do... so I'm not very excited about that. On the plus side I'll soon know my starting salary for my new job - I think it should be in the £22000/$44000 region. Might be as high as £23500/$47000 if I am lucky. We'll see tomorrow!

[d24]

Monday 27th august

 

I had to work on a bank holiday which was pretty bad, worse still was that nobody was in and I had no work to do. My girlfriend did drop me off though so at least I didn't have to get the bus. I wasted time at work and did pretty much nothing all day. I met with my new boss and he said my wages would be £22,170/$44,340 - the minimum for my grade. i will accept because i cant be bothered to complain for an extra £400/$800. the work email system was playing up all day and I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I kept missing emails from my gf all day.

 

I took the bus home and the door was unlocked... well sometimes she leaves it like that. I look for her but she isn't in. I look outside and the car is there, I have a look around and her car keys aren't around. But her bag is. I call her twice and text her, and discover her phone is in the living room. I try to figure out where she was and looked in the laundry room, the elevator, outside and everywhere around. Nowhere to be found.

 

She has however loaded a bookcase into her car. I wondered if it was too heavy for her, if she asked for help and then something bad happened.... God only knew. This wasn't like her at all. I phone 'last number dialed' and speak with her Gran who was delighted I'd called. Still no gf tho.... ARGGH!

 

i have a shower and start looking at some webpages, it's been about an hour and i dont know whether to panic or not - but she comes in and says she tried to surprise me by waiting by the bus stop. but she was at the wrong one. ARGH!

 

my dad calls and we talk for 30mins and make dinner, we watch corrie and 'my name is earl' cos i was too bored of friends constantly. then we played games and laptop etc and relaxed for the rest of the night.

 

I still can't stop thinking about asking for a bj, i know she hates doing it though. she complained that we dont have sex as much - well i dont want sex, i want a bj. i cant exactly say that. sometimes a guy just wants one specific thing and cant focus till it gets done. I'm so horny for it but I know she'd say no.

 

Work again tomorrow, noly 14 days left till i start my new job.

 

gf is going to the new house after work to pay our rent tomorrow (money loaned from her parents) and clean the house a little. we've made provisional plans to look at cat shelters friday afternoon.

[d24]

Tuesday 28th August

 

Oh my God, today was horrendous. I did no work all day and my horniness was overflowing - I couldn't help but look at scantily clad women all day - It was a very stupid thing to do cos it could mean disciplinary action, but I'm getting to a point where I can't take it anymore. Nothing happened thankfully.

 

The gf was 40mins late to the new house but handed over the cheque and got the keys - so the house is officially ours. A few things were wrong (hangers, picture frames, lawnmower) but all-in-all it was fine. She unpacked a few boxes and did some washing in our VERY FIRST washing machine. what a luxury lol!

 

I called the HR team here to see when her start date would be and after a lot of faffing and hassle they told her NEXT MONDAY - so that's great that she can finally start, but bad because she loses out on one week's worth of temping - she's in a real bad financial situation right now.

 

When we got home I showed her how we could afford everything and she went ABSOLUTELY MENTAL. She kept saying she couldn't afford to have the car and she had to sell it whilst I was telling her 5 ways in which she could keep it. After the 20th time of trying to explain it to her I shouted "you must be stupid or stubborn if you don't understand this" and she left the house. i called after her telling her she's being immature and she came back and demanded an apology for me calling her stupid. i said under no circumstances would i be apologising to her because i had done nothing wrong and hadn't called her stupid. maybe i implied it, but i didn't. i told her she had till the liverpool match started to listen to me without going mental and if not i'd go out to watch the game in a bar and have a serious think about our relationship.

 

She finally apologised and listened and asked if we were still together. Combined with all the other things I really didn't know what I wanted. I told her she made me happier and sadder than anyone before, and it wasn't a decision for now, but for the future also.

 

i also talked to her about the sex thing, saying i dont enjoy it because she's stopped being herself, and that i'm missing certain aspects of our sex life, she apologised and said that because she's put on some weight she doesn't feel confident enough to get naked anymore.

 

It was very stressful but in the end she also admitted that she didn't want to fail financially and thats why she never listens to my advice - because she feels like she is old enough to know what to do, but knows she isnt number savvy. i told her i'd help, she just needs to trust me - then she spilled trust issues with her previous relationship and said how she thought i was going to be the same. understandable but very unfair on me, we discussed that also.

 

She wanted makeup sex but i wasnt in the mood so we called it off. we played some games, went to sleep and well... tomorrow is another day.

[d24]

Weds 29th - Sunday 2nd

I haven't had a net connection and things have been a bit mental recently but here's a quick catch-up...

 

Wednesday I woke up very horny and we ended up having sex, it was nice but rushed because we needed to get out of the house and get to work. At work I started my new job and met everyone - they were very friendly but I can't remember half their names.

 

Thursday we had a massive argument about our future and when asked if we should keep dating I said yes. It was a very heated argument but it got sorted in the end. She said she'd try to be more loving and not see things as a 'well he did this so ill do that' sort of situation. so that might get sorted. Thursday night we saw some cats and one old cat who was 18 made me cry because he was so loving and affectionate and it reminded me of our old cat Jinx. We also saw some naughty twin girls and a bunch of others. We decided to think about it.

 

Friday I went to the dentist who told me I needed 5 fillings done and he will refer me to somewhere else. I took the whole day off work and met Ceri for lunch at McDonalds. We moved things to the new house and decided to give the twin girls a chance after spending all day at cat rehoming centres. the people were happy and it meant we needed to grab a bunch of stuff for the cats.

 

Saturday morning we collected the girls - Pip and Topsy we named them - and took another car load to the new house. I also arranged for the internet to transfer there on wednesday. we played with the cats and had chinese for dinner and watched the xfactor. it was a good relaxing day asides from all the cleaning and moving.

 

Sunday I woke up horny again and she started to give me a handjob but FELL ASLEEP DURING - I was really frustrated all day and kept making jokes about it to make her feel guilty. Later we walked into the centre of Preston to investigate it for the first time. We ended up having McDonalds again and bought a bunch of stuff for the house. It takes about 30mins to walk to the city centre, I'm not very impressed. I'll need to buy a bike or something. The cats were getting into the cupboards all day so we went out later to try and buy baby locks for the doors. Couldn't find any... ugh... we decided to go back to the old house and eat there - I made pasta and still haven't cleaned up yet! She took another car load and cried when she had to leave - turns out it's the first time she's had to live alone so she was very upset. I watched LOTR on the tv whilst playing LOTRO, and went to bed around 11pm. At least I KNOW I'm waking up alone tomorrow and she hasn't moved in the middle of the night.

 

She's really nervous about tomorrow because it's her first day - I'm nervous for her too because she's not the most social but I keep telling her it will be OK. I'll call her tomorro morning.

[d24]

Monday 3rd September

gf had her first day today, she texted me a lot all day and called me as I left the office. They weren't expecting her but she started anyway - on the plus side I think she will get paid this month so I won't have a huge financial strain. At work today I got a piece of work to do and it kept me busy most of the day which was different and nice.

 

New graduates start tomorrow and I'm still very bitter that I'm not part of the GDF scheme. Whatever, I'll have to deal with it. At least there will be 2 in my department and I can compare myself directly with them. And then I can prove to myself that I AM better.

 

I got home and made a nice tea (cooked not just heated!) and cleared up the mess from yesterday. I watched corrie and i was playing LOTRO from maybe 7pm to 11pm. It was great fun, I miss long gaming sessions like that. gf called around 8 and 10 and i tried to talk to her while i was playing lotro (she called at times when i couldn't logout/find a safe spot), but chances are i wasnt being a very good bf because i was concentrating more on the game than what she was saying. it's nice she wants to talk but i know she misses me a lot more than i miss her. i'll admit i will get bored of playing games eventually, but till then i'm quite happy to have my own space. on the other hand she's almost crying on the phone saying she misses spending time with me and i wonder why she's so bored that she cant occupy herself for a few nights a week. i often wonder if we moved in together too quickly. whatever.

 

on a side note i've been looking at a lot of porn recently. i think its because i can now that she's not around to judge me, and I'm using the excuse that it's to try and kick start my sexdrive which has pretty much dwindled to nothingness.

 

Tomorrow is another day!

[d24]

Tuesday 4th and Wednesday 5th September

Tuesday was a rubbish day and absolutely nothing happened. I realised that without my gf the days really are boring. During the day I kept busy at work trying to ge my head around my new job and met the new graduates. They were both sheepish and I'm really angry I'm not on the grad scheme - I'm better than them because I'm highly qualified and have a year's experience. Why the hell wasn't I picked for development? I mean seriosuly? I must have done something extremely stupid/wrong/arrogant at the interview.

 

Later on I made a nice curry at night which I knew my gf wouldn't have liked and I watched TV and played LOTRO all night till I got tired and went to bed.

 

On Wednesday I decided not to make breakfast and got a sausage bap and a muffin on the way to the bus, so the day started off well. I got gf's grandma a birthday card and arranged to visit a different work site tomorrow afternoon. I tried to cash a cheque from ARCADIA but the banks wouldn't let me do it. Later on gf came over and spent the evening with me. I made her a really nice dinner and made a lot of effort - i wore the shirt she likes, aftershave, and cooked from scratch - the meal was delicious. She stayed for about 2hrs total and spent most of the time laying on me on the couch watching TV. It was nice to have her there to stroke her hair and give her a hug and a kiss. We packed the car up and sent her home. I realised that I do miss her, I miss having xompany around and someone to talk to. And the hugs and kisses haha!

 

I then played LOTRO till around midnight and went to sleep. Was a nice night. (but I still haven't done the washing up for the meal so i guess i'll need to do that tomorrow!)

[d24]

Thu 6th - Mon 10th

Wow, I've been swamped at work so I haven't been able to find time to post here.

Thursday I spent half my day at another site and learnt how to do the major component of my job.

Friday I left work early to go to the new house and let the gas man in. It was a nice night and we had Chinese and chips together.

Saturday she went to see her friends in Leicester and I spent the day going to furniture shops and getting her a table and bookshelf. it was quite cheap. i made the table and bookshelf and then the drawers and bed arrived but i was bored of constructing so i played LOTRO for the rest of the night. she kept texting and calling and in all honesty it got annoying after a while so i ignored them.

Sunday I made the bed and the drawers then went into town to pick her up. we had KFC and took a cab home - was VERY expensive. we then watched xfactor and hells kitchen and i talked to my mum about my sisters and their plans for uni. i despair but she's going to call back. at night i said sorry for not trying to have sex with her, because i knew it was making her upset. we've had sex only 4 times in the past 4 months now. she says nobody is perfect and although its something i cant give her she would never risk what we have for sex on the side.

monday i woke up with her for the first time in ages and we went to work together. i didnt bring lunch so i had to buy crap and ended up eating too much chocolate. alone at home, im hoping i can use someone's internet for a few weeks before i leave that house.

[d24]

Tues 11th

So today I went to work, got a bit bored, went home, played some games, went to sleep. Boring.

 

Well, I am going to Tesco with one of the grads Larissa, and I am still not telling my gf that I have the net because I know we'll argue about random crap if I do. So I'll just stay under the pretence that I'm internetless - she'll complain less if she thinks I'm not gaming too.

 

Boring but I guess that's fine. Looking forward to Hell's Kitchen tonight though!

 

update

I wrote this in advance, anticipating my night to be uneventful but it became very very eventful.

 

My gf calls me up saying how she was talking to her Mum about me and my situation with my Mum (which to be honest made me a little upset because i didnt want her to do that). I'm not going to go into it or lie and say we have a good relationship because in all honesty she's failed at being a parent to me, and has failed at trying to be a friend to me which is what she's tried for the past 6yrs. Everytime I try and I make the effort but she doesn't care - but at the same time she expects me to try, and like a sucker I do. I don't want to isolate a part of my family because it would make the others in my family question me, and i cant be bothered to deal with that.

 

So the gf calls me and tells me that she doesn't want my mum to be at her wedding (bare in mind this is all hypothetical because i've not even proposed, nor do i plan to any time soon) and i basically say to her - well my Mum IS going to be at my wedding. She hung up saying she couldn't talk to me right now. I text her saying when she gets a little perspective she can call me and we'll figure things out and she calls me back and we have this ridiculous 45min conversation going round and round of her saying "i dont understand why you'd want her there, she's always been mean to me" (which is true, my mum hates her, but i try to not let it affect us) and me saying "for god's sake she's my mum" (and she doesnt seem to understand that even though shes a b!tch, i want her to be there) - till i got so exasperated i was pretty much crying saying if she hates my mum this much then she should 'get out' of the relationship and find someone who doesnt have family baggage. She hung up after i asked her "can we talk about this another time" for the 50th time and I thought she was in a huff with me.

 

Turns out I was wrong, she drove 20miles to come give me a hug and say sorry for making me cry and that she was over-reacting and who knows what the future will bring. i didnt understand her reaction but i was overjoyed.

 

but later that night after she'd gone back home to sleep and go to work the next morning I COULD NOT sleep wondering if i've just deferred this argument to another day... this will come up again, and I don't want to have the same argument again.

 

As much as I love her, she is my Mum and I want her to be there for those happy days and special occasions. I hope she understands that and can let it be.

[d24]

Wed 12 and Thurs 13

I've still not told my gf I have internet - is this wrong? I'm starting to feel like it is, but I know how clingy she is on MSN messenger and how we get into so many stupid 'semantics' related arguments when we're chatting online.

I'm still watching Hells Kitchen and it's the first 'reality tv' show i've ever actually really enjoyed. It's weird.... but I love it.

I've been eating weirdly recently and I think I'm gaining weight, and this may be in part to HAZSLENUT FLAVOURED RICE MILK which is absolutely delicious, but about 200 calroies a glass!!!

 

I've also really started to enjoy LOTRO on my minstrel character because I get to help everyone - that's when I realised that the game and the characters you create are in a way a reflection of yourself in real-life:

 

Burglar - this class steals and sneaks around - i thought this was the class for me for a long time, but i got bored - because at the end of the day i want the 'truth'.

 

Loremaster - this is a magic class that hangs back and tries not to get involved. I was drawn to it because you can have pets (Ravens, Bears, etc) and I thought it was fun - but I didn't feel involved.

 

Captain - next time i tried a class which was helpful but could hold its own. it can heal other players occasionally, it can do a decent amount of damage, and you can have 'followers' or peasants help you. i do enjoy it but i figured out why - it was because I liked HELPING people and being actively involved.

 

Minstrel - this class of player is ALL ABOUT being in the middle of things, helping other characters out and disregarding your own safety in the process! I LOVE it, and I love being the one who helps everyone, the thanks they give me and the genuine feeling that I can help others.

 

There's also a couple classes which didn't appeal to me:

Hunter - attacking from a far (bleh, whats the point?)

Guardian - very strong attacker (im not into killing so much)

 

Anyways the MINSTREL which is my real-life character is exactly who i am... I love to help. I love to be thanked and appreciated. I love to be in the thick of things, contributing. I love saving others. I want to help. I'm always just trying to help in any way.

 

And my online persona is reflecting this.

Interesting huh?

[d24]

I've decided that it'd be nice to start writing my online journal again.

I'll try to write looking back on the day before, and mondays i'll have to try my best to remember fri/sat/sun.

 

so...

Weds 16th

I'm having troubles with her and this guy 'Tony' who's trying to get her to meet him. He's a random she's met online and he's blatently after more than friendship but he's being so 'nice' to her that she's not seeing sense.

 

During the day my gf made me put my foot down and tell my dad i needed to know the dates were over. turned out she was right, and he got me the dates. i also arranged to buy 2 arsenal tickets for the game in derby. i wanted 3 because i'm worried if i leave her alone she'll go out with Tony who I'm convinced is either a 40yo rapist or wants more than friendship with my gf. I hate how paranoid and untrusting I've become over the past week. I didn't hear about him for once on Weds night though, which was a nice change.

 

I came in and completed what she started by cooking dinner (kievs, chips and peas) while she played bingo. she had eaten the rest of the munchies without saving me any which i was a little annoyed at seeing as she went ballistic over me eating the malteasers, but I forgave her because she said sorry.

 

We watched some trash TV while I played Risk online and she played bingo, then Corrie. She was playing bingo throughout which is fine. It's just, if I played while we were watching something she'd have a real go at me. After Corrie I went to play LOTRO for a while. I loaded my Warg and led a raid for 35mins or so - got one kill but it was disappointing and very dull. I was also killed by an NPC which was very embarrasing!!

 

At 9 'the apprentice' came on so i watched that downstairs with her. she was on the computer the whole time which again frustrated me (as i really dont think she was watching or paying much attention).

 

After I played a little more LOTRO first on my weaver, then on my warg again. I'm just 12,000 DP away from getting my warg signature now - I didn't lead the raid, I decided to follow - freeps were on in force going crazy around TR so although I got another kill it was a pretty dull night as we couldn't do what we wanted. I'm also very close to rank 4 - my target being rank 5. It'll take me another month to get it i think.

 

went to sleep with my gf afterwards, she was being very cute pretending to be a silk worm and rolling around in the covers. no plans for tomorrow yet soon it'll be the weekend! (thank god)

[d24]

Thurs 17th April

 

I meant to set an alarm so I could make something nice for breakfast but I forgot. I woke up a little late and we got out of te house prety fast. Today in work I figured out I had 5hrs of actual work to do, and mentally decided I'd spread it out over 2 days so I could relax while doing it.

 

On the way home I got a text from my gf telling me she was in a really foul mood, so I came back and started making dinner. Most of the night she kept appologising for feeling rubbish and told me to leave her alone. She wasn't alone of course, 'Tony' was there mailing her all night. I tried to be nice but she didn't want me cuddling her, or watching TV with her - she preferred to watch trash TV and play bingo and talk to him online. This made me very upset but I tried my best to hide it.

 

I literally played game all night to give her some space like she asked. 8pm-11pm I'd say. She came up and said she wanted to go to bed.... we got in and she started poking at my arm and saying "why do you have a lovebite there?".... it wasn't a love bite, it was a blood spot from where I'd been waxed. You see, for her birthday the week before I'd got my back waxed for her like she likes. She wouldn;t hear reason that I wasn't cheating and rolled over. with a lot (and I mean a LOT) of prodding I managed to get her to roll over and admit she knew it was a blood spot/rash and that she had seen it the day I got it over a week ago (I had been complaining that my arm hurt because it had 2 of these patches). She wouldnt tell me why she had overreacted/lied about it though

 

I fell asleep thinking to myself -- does she have a guilty conscience for what she's doing to me or was she just mistaken/forgetful?

[d24]

Bear in mind these posts are always going to be hazy as I try to remember what happened and when over a weekend...

 

Fri 18

So Friday I can't remember too much happening pre-afternoon. I woke up early enough to make a sausage butty for the morning which was great, and I took the remainder of the beans to work for lunch. I was very very horny at work and tried my best to contain myself (important later).

 

My gf wanted to go to a charity event that lunch time after she ended work 1/2 day which I said was fine, but I was wondering if she really was going, or if it was a lie to see Tony. Thankfully she didn't go and we met at home maybe 3:30. I really hate how little I trust her now.

 

I came in and checked my emails and facebook and saw her status which says "x needs a large one". It's not something she would put on her status so I asked her what it meant and she said "oh sorry I'll change it".... I thought about it for a little while longer and asked again what it meant. She said she wanted a large drink, and a large **ck (referencing our sex life) to take away the stress of the day. I shrugged it off and thought to myself great, she's horny too I finnished what I was doing and said :

 

"when you're done let me know" .... "why" .... "because we need to go upstairs and give you a large one" .... "no i dont want to any more" .... "but you just said you were horny?" .... "yeah that was before you started questioning what was writing and why" .... "ok fine, do you want a drink instead then?" .... "no, just leave me alone" ....

 

I then couldn't help but thinking maybe that message wasn't meant for me. Maybe she was hinting to people that she wanted to go out. I asked and she said no. Maybe that mesage was meant as a prompt for Tony to ask her out again? I don't know. I got very upset and left her alone.

 

We were meant to get Chinese and before I left to get it she started saying how I'm acting like her parent always checking up on her. I ca see her point of view and told her why - that Tony is a big wedge between us by all these inappropriate invites and she said I was being stupid. I said I'd go get the food and have a walk. I left in a really foul mood and went for a 25min walk around the area and picked up some chinese. While I was out the phone company who think I owe them £140 (despite me cancelling my contract) called to say they'd be a few more days. I hate those guys so much. I was in an even worse mood than when I left so I gave her the food and sat in silence. She said if I didn't stop being mad at her she'd call her boss up and see if she wouldn't mind some company til I felt bettter. I said all I wanted was for her to udnerstand that I have a huge problem with a random guy off the internet asking my gf out all the time.

 

After a while she appologised for having a go at me, and we lay down and watched some trash TV. Had a late night playing game but she'd fallen asleep anyway so she didn't mind.

 

Sat/19

Saturday morning we lounged around the house and did nothing. Had some makeupsex from the night before when she was too tired, we watched TV, played games, chatted, etc.... She went out to a local shop and came back with some McDonalds which was nic. I didn't fancy it because I was still in a bit of a mood with her, and didn't wanna stand around while she tried on clothes. when she came back at maybe 7pm after we'd watched the football tony messaged her asing if he could pick her up and take her out tonight. THANKFULLY she said no because she wanted to drive if they did meet so that she wouldnt drink. This just set me off again because I'm stating to get really p'd off at how rude this guy is - I said to her if he was a good guy he'd make the effort to get to know both of us, not keep inviting my gf out for nights out on the town, that something about him strikes me as wrong and really creepy.

 

She didn't agree, but for once she listened. She told me she loved me and wouldn't ever do anything, but she felt as though I was vetting her friends. She didn't seem to understand that it's weird for a random guy off the net to message an attractive girl complimenting her, then asking her out for a drink.

 

We watched a movie, had some drinks and calmed down eventually and had some more great makeup sex, but I have to admit I was livid that Tony had done that AGAIN.

 

Sun/20

I didn't hear about him all day which was great. We skipped breakfast and went food shopping and picked up some KFC on the way home. Ate that and had a sex session which tired us out so much that we actually both fell asleep after (1pm). I woke up at 3:30 and played some game while she slept till maybe 4:30. We watched soem trash tv, she played bingo on her laptop, and we relaxed. I said I was bored and we watched an episode of the OC, which was so long that I got bored, started groping her, and accomplished what I'd wanted to do for a while now.... I was very forceful and I told her waht I wanted. I gave her a lot of foreplay to get her to the point that she wouldn't say no.... blowjob, titwank, penetrative, then anal.... then she used toys for me, on with a condom, and god... i've never felt her so wet. she must have cum a couple times and was absolutely shattered afterwards. probably one of the best sexual experiences of my life.

 

later she cooked dinner and i did the ironing and inplayed game while she watched her show. both got in bed for a hug and a chat by 11, and after 45mins we decided to roll over and call it a night. Was a very nice day

[d24]

Monday 21st April

Today I promised that I would wake up early, make eggs, and make an effort to be as ungrumpy as possible. In return my gf was grumpy enough for the both of us, ate the eggs I made, and then apologised when she realised what she'd done - everything she asked me not to!

No worries - I went to work and got caught surfing ENA by my boss and thought I was about to get completely berrated. By a complete stroke of luck I was at the time reading a thread about Myers/Briggs personality tests which my boss is apparently very interested in - and I actually got praised for initiative in researching soemthing new! LOL

Had a good day and left relatively early around 5pm. Got home and made hotdogs for us and then we went out to buy a birthday card for one of my gf's work colleagues and some towels to create a nest for the cat at tetop of the stairs.

Came home and ate some lovely Rhubarb Crumble and watched the TV we ha taped. Then she watched her trash shows which was my Q to go upstairs and play some game.

Got myself 3 kills lastnight which was good/rare, and I logged out before I got overly confident.

Lay in bed chatting with gf, and accidentally the phone slipped and hit her in the eye. She was pretending to cry and said she'd have to wear a pirate patch and we had a real laugh over it. Before we went to bed we had a peek out to see if the cat was using the towels, which she was, which made my gf all gooey and lovey knowing the cat loves us... cute...

Nice day!